@slfcare

Hiii angel 💙 I hope you are doing well and I wanted to thank you for being so kind and wonderful. I want to ask you something and I completely understand if you chose to not answer.

TW : Self Harming

Some 7 years ago, I was a severely depressed teenager & I ended up cutting myself. It was a very dark time. I'm much stronger and better mentally now and I haven't cut since . Unfortunately the scars - obviously are still on my thighs and a really awful reminder. It doesn't trigger me or anything (im so sorry if this sounds stupid and petty) but it makes me very very insecure. I often think about how will I ever wear short dresses and bikinis and that this will be a huge issue when it comes to having sex. This literally keeps me up and night , im not exaggerating. I wish I hadn't done this :( I wanted to ask if you have heard of treatments that can reduce scars or just have any tips on how to deal with this? If any of your followers have tips on the aforementioned I'd really truly appreciate their input too. Of course if you chose not to answer I FULLY UNDERSTAND 💙 Thanks sm for everything you do tho ! Take care x

Hi love,

I’m personally not experienced with things like this and know very little on the subject, and as the very last thing I want to do is pretend otherwise or give you completely wrong advice, I don’t think I’m really the right person to ask. I will open my ask box so that if any of my followers know how to help or have some tips for you, they can send it my way and I’ll post it for you!

Also, I’m super super proud of you for having been clean of sh, I hope you know how amazing that is and that you can be so immensely proud of yourself! I’m cheering for you from my little tiny internet corner, you’re doing so great :)

don’t live a life waiting for the next. recognize the delicacy and the rareness of your being here. cradle the possibilities you have, the senses with which you may experience the beauty of this world. you don’t have the promise of tomorrow, but apparently you do have that of today: you’re worth everything.

💚 anon here, that's good to know i hope days ahead are also lovely for you. Abt the q, my friend has depression & tends to not reply for few months which is ok w/ me bc i do the same when i get depressed so i get where they're coming from. we both gradually found common ground. But this time it hurt bc it was their bday recently, they told me they'll check what i gave them but they still haven't said anything abt it. on day of their bday they replied to others wishes. I don't know i just feel like i'm not in their priority list anymore. i feel hurt, also stupid for thinking like this bc ik they trust me but i can't help but feel hurt. i have no other friend anymore and the one who completely understands me feels like is slowly leaving from my life. i don't want to bring up 'replying' topic again bc we've talked about it already in past & also bc it might make them feel more worse, I don want to be another thing which causes them hurt in their life. My mind is telling me two things : 1. whatever worse i'm thinking is true. 2. i shouldn't be thinking this way because for all i know they must be under work-life stress and may reply some day.

I feel very hurt and bothered idk what to do.

Hi angel,

I’m so sorry you feel this way, regardless of what they might be struggling with at the moment, anyone would feel cast aside and bothered. Especially since it sounds like you really put some effort into their gift and were excited about what their reaction could be.

This doesn’t have to bring up so much negativity. I respect the fact that you guys have discussed things like this, but I don’t think that having a conversation about replying means that you have to just accept something that’s genuinely upsetting you. And by that I don’t mean that you have to start a whole other discussion again, but that it’s okay to check in once more. You could send them something like, “Hey, did you get my gift? What did you think?” or “Hey, just checking if you got the gift I sent you?”

Aside from the gift incident, neither you nor I know what they’re thinking or struggling with when they don’t reply to you, and whether they’re purposely avoiding or ignoring you or if they just don’t know what to say or don’t have the energy to say anything at all. But especially because you’re sometimes struggling with the same thing, try to recognise how their depression tends to manifest in their social life, maybe even how that aligns with your own tendencies.

I bet that when you find yourself in a dark place, you aren’t actively or even purposely shoving people aside and selecting people you do and don’t want to be in your life. I don’t think that’s what they’re doing, either. I think it’s just them dealing with life and needing time (I agree with your mind’s second suggestion).

Keep in mind that this is my advice based on limited information, and you can do or not do with it what you please, but I’d say: don’t sit in this feeling. Take action, even if it’s just sending one more message, and know that what someone else does is not something you can control. If they’re not replying to you, give them some time. If it’s taking too long or if you’re getting concerned, check in. And while you have every right to feel rejected and to feel hurt, they have every right to feel what they’re feeling, too, and to reply to you when they’re ready, when they want to and feel like they’re in a better state of mind. 

Hiii angel 💙 I hope you are doing well and I wanted to thank you for being so kind and wonderful. I want to ask you something and I completely understand if you chose to not answer.

TW : Self Harming

Some 7 years ago, I was a severely depressed teenager & I ended up cutting myself. It was a very dark time. I'm much stronger and better mentally now and I haven't cut since . Unfortunately the scars - obviously are still on my thighs and a really awful reminder. It doesn't trigger me or anything (im so sorry if this sounds stupid and petty) but it makes me very very insecure. I often think about how will I ever wear short dresses and bikinis and that this will be a huge issue when it comes to having sex. This literally keeps me up and night , im not exaggerating. I wish I hadn't done this :( I wanted to ask if you have heard of treatments that can reduce scars or just have any tips on how to deal with this? If any of your followers have tips on the aforementioned I'd really truly appreciate their input too. Of course if you chose not to answer I FULLY UNDERSTAND 💙 Thanks sm for everything you do tho ! Take care x

Hi love,

I’m personally not experienced with things like this and know very little on the subject, and as the very last thing I want to do is pretend otherwise or give you completely wrong advice, I don’t think I’m really the right person to ask. I will open my ask box so that if any of my followers know how to help or have some tips for you, they can send it my way and I’ll post it for you!

Also, I’m super super proud of you for having been clean of sh, I hope you know how amazing that is and that you can be so immensely proud of yourself! I’m cheering for you from my little tiny internet corner, you’re doing so great :)

has your disability made it harder for you to be positive about your body? ik people generally feel insecure about their bodies but i always wonder how or if being disabled makes that a bigger thing for people. love your blog and ty for everything :)

Most definitely.

I’ve always struggled with body image like everyone else, but it was even a subconscious thing for me when I was very young. Even if I couldn’t comprehend what my disability was as a child, I still understood how different I was than every single person in my life/environment.

I remember that when I was maybe around seven years old, I’d imagine my teacher calling me up to the front of the classroom and handing me a pair of scissors, and I’d just imagine pinching my skin just by my hairline and cutting/tearing it off, hair included, kind off like ripping off a sticker or something. And that I’d step out of it and look and sound different (read: normal) and I’d announce to everyone that this is who I really was, and they’d just understand.

Seven-year-old me considered that a harmless wish, that I’d someday just know what to do, and that I’d have something to point to, or to blame, when asked why or how I was like this. Mostly I wished for it to end. I didn’t know what it was about me but I wanted it to stop.

Now that I’m older, I realize that those issues that I had with my body were always there because I’d always been perceptive enough to know that this wasn’t normal. As I grew older I stopped wishing to literally step out of it but I imagined something a bit more realistic each time– from a genie granting me the opportunity to wish it away to a fatal car crash and reincarnation. It’s difficult being positive about a body you’ve spent your entire life struggling in, knowing that it’s not something to be cured or improved, or something that’ll hurt less someday.

In my case, I didn’t wish to be taller or shorter or bigger or smaller as it was never an issue in terms of looks. I just wished for normally functioning limbs and a mouth that didn’t tremble when I spoke. To answer your question, for me it didn’t make body issues bigger than other people (I think? I don’t know if they’re comparable), but it did make them look different. I can’t speak for every disabled person out there, but that’s what it was like for me.

These past few days have been particularly hard for me majorly due to the pandemic. I know I've dealt with tougher situations before, but in times like these every challenge seems harder than before. Do you have any tips on how I can console myself despite all that is happening?

I’d say, don’t hold yourself to the same standards you’ve held yourself to before all this. If you manage to do less than what you’re used to or if ‘normal’ things suddenly ask more of you, don’t see it as a failure. Your productivity and your feelings are all products of your circumstances, and nobody will hold you at fault for feeling and experiencing the effects of this highly unusual and affecting situation.

My advice: recognize that your best looks different right now, and forgive yourself for it if you’re subconsciously blaming yourself for not being 'good enough’ or 'productive enough’. Your best is enough, even if it looks different. Keep telling yourself that, assure yourself of it like you’re speaking to a friend, and try to start and end your day identifying what your best looks like and accepting it regardless of how many goals reached and how much progress made.

Do you have any tips on dealing with anxiety about the future?

You’ve got to try to set your mind to the fact that the future isn’t yet yours to worry about. And if you’re still unable to remove it from your mind, then ask yourself the following: how can I affect tomorrow, today? How can I make sure I get what I want tomorrow? How can I work for what I want?

It’s okay to worry, because you have dreams that can be so strong that the mere idea of not getting them can stress you out: but the idea you have in your head of how to get there is one of billions. Not getting what you want today will not mean that all hope is lost. You have possibilities, you have roads to choose, you have ideas to adjust to your situations.

All in all: find some peace within the idea that your current best is enough, that what comes tomorrow is for the you of tomorrow, and that both indicate that doing your best to help the future you today is good enough. You do not have any more responsibilities. You don’t have more weight to carry.

To the anon whose mum got breast cancer,

I don’t know where you are from, but look into organisations involved with cancer or breast cancer. One of my childhoods friends’s mum got breats cancer (she is fully recovered today) and my friend found new friends and support in a organisation/interest group. So if you can find one, there is probably really good advice and support there.

I’m so so sorry to hear about your mum.

Thank you for sending this in, you’re an angel ♡︎

let go of the idea that you have to be the best or do the most to be worth something.

i hope you manage to take comfort in the fact that it’ll end. that your pain will slip away even if it feels so heavy and all-consuming, that a bad day will wrap itself up into a memory, that a toxic and hurtful friendship will someday be a story to tell when you’re asked for advice. we are small and days and experiences and pain are big, but we’re also more. we have the power to leave behind what harms us, to go forward through bad days and good ones, to feel everything and then come to peace with it and let go. you’re stronger, more resilient and forever on the move. it’ll be alright.

How do you motivate yourself to get up when you reach a low point in your life..?

I allow myself to experience it. I think the wrong way to go about it is guilting yourself for being in such a spot to begin with, thinking stuff like, “See? You’re so worthless” or “You shouldn’t be this way, you’re so weird, this is why nobody puts up with you”, essentially using the way you’re feeling as some sort of example as to why you’re a failure, as if it confirms anything of the sort.

It doesn’t work that way, so knowing that, I pull myself out of that mindset. I say to myself, “You’re going through a lot, even if no-one sees, and this is you surviving.” I try not to estrange myself from being sad sometimes. It’s not a bad thing to be sad or hit a low point, the bad part is if you let it define you and tell you what you are or aren’t.

Sometimes I just need some time and I take it. And by not shoving it all away or somehow painting my emotions as something unreasonable, I come to peace with it easier and manage to make sense of it.

People tend to believe that strength means blocking out all the bad things, or never feeling sad or unmotivated, but it’s about learning how to deal with that. And being able to. It requires strength to let yourself feel everything in its entirety, and to be able to live with that without it being a hindrance to you, but rather a sort of lesson about yourself, your values and your needs.

hey! thank you for opening your asks today. ^^ how are you, though? i hope you're well!

i just feel kind of tired, lately. there's nothing to it, just tired. it sort of feels like you were hollowed out and hastily put back together again, and i don't really know how to deal with it? there's just been this itch inside of my chest and i feel tired, bone tired. i don't really want to call it a burn out, but to be honest? it really does feel like that.

(tw: self-harm)

i want to cut again, by all means, but i can't because someone's trust depends on it. but still, i think it would be the only way to put myself back together again.

thank you again! i needed to vent for a little. thank you so much, and i hope that you have a great day.

Hi! You’re welcome :) I’ve been well, it’s been very suffocating with exams and final projects and wrapping up everything, but somehow it tends to fall into place every time, and I trust that it will again.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re experiencing this feeling of fatigue, and that it physically affects you as well. I know what you’re describing, I had it last summer and it’s tough to navigate. It very well might be a burnout. I understand not wanting to call it that, but identifying it does make it more actionable. 

(tw: mention of self-harm)

Self harm might feel like a solution, but it will not put you back together, even if it feels like it will. It doesn’t have the power to. It merely unravels you, which might feel like a relief for a split second, but doesn’t turn back time or relieve pressure in the way that you need long-term. It’s a temporary escape that can’t solve the real issue and will only captivate you in a cycle. I know that the urge to do it goes way beyond a simple “I want to”, but I need you to truly think about how damaging and unresolving it is, and what you really want, which is a solution. Harming yourself is not that solution.

Instead of cutting yourself, use ice to rub on your skin or markers to draw on it, or get a rubber band you can pull to get rid of (or satisfy) that urge to feel something on your skin. And talk about it to that person you mentioned. The most important thing you can do with this is tell someone in your environment what you just told me. You deserve more tangible and direct help with this that I can’t give you.

I’m proud of you for admitting that you’re not okay, but please don’t leave it like this. You deserve better, you deserve a real solution, and vocalizing your feelings is the first step to getting it. I genuinely hope things get better for you ♡

Hey. I'm sorry if this isn't the kind of question you respond to. But I've been ruminating about this for the past week. So I read a post on IG and this guy said that if the only way a guy can have sex with a girl is by getting her intoxicated then he's predatory. So my recent ex fwb did this like 5 times. He'd tell me to buy alcohol and that I should have started drinking by the time he reached my place. Thing is, he'd never drink himself, maybe smoke MJ but not drink. So I listened to him (idk why). And now knowing this info I just feel weird. Do you think he was predatory and are my feelings of disgust and anger warranted?

(tw)

I think if you have to get someone intoxicated to get them to sleep with you, that’s definitely predatory. Your feelings are warranted, 100%. You cannot consent when you’re intoxicated, it doesn’t matter what happened beforehand. If you’d say no sober, but you said yes because you were drunk (plus, he knew that you’d say yes if you were), that’s not consent either. Please do not feel guilty or start doubting yourself, that wasn’t okay and it was on him. 

I felt overwhelmed lately too, worries about people that are important to me, new added responsibilities due to pandemic, lockdown, things I used to enjoy broke off...it made me feel irritable and stressed. I want to find a way for myself to be kind and stay calm despite it all.

Hi there,

A lot is out of your control right now, which is what causes great stress and irritability. And it makes sense that considering the state of the world right now, doing things that you used to enjoy now seems pointless or less exciting. We’re not made to sit inside all day, and the fact that we have been for a year now has taken its toll on us. It’s overwhelming to have everything change this drastically this fast, and it’s not something that we were built to withstand because it’s not something that’s normal.

But there are also things that are in your control, and I advise to grasp onto those things with both hands. You can control how you care for yourself: by listening to your body. Going to sleep when tired, having a warm shower and taking a walk in the sun. And be expressive. Don’t bottle this all up, keep in touch with people so you don’t forget that you aren’t alone. Talk it out. Maintain routines so at least some aspects of life have a feeling of normalcy to them, stay social.

This situation is not okay. And you can feel that, and you can acknowledge that, but you’re not alone in this. Keep that close to you and actively take care of yourself, and it’ll affect your mind and the way you cope.

how would you keep your mindset positive when it feels like everyone is rejecting you and it's hard to reach out to people?

the way i’d go about it is not taking it personally. obviously you can feel rejected and upset, but you gotta keep in mind that (assuming covid is still raging on in your country, as well) these are tough times for everyone, especially now that we’re learning to prioritize ourselves. the way i see it is this:

pre-pandemic, we were emerged in the hussle of everyday life. of traveling to work and school, hitting the mall, running for the bus. but now, we’ve been stuck with ourselves in our homes for over a year, and that distraction has fallen away. when you stop seeing crowds everyday and when you stop people-watching and having little exchanges with strangers, all that’s left is you. and that’s scary and confrontational.

this is a time when you need people, but those people are also dealing with what this pandemic has taken from them and simultaneously shoved into their faces. i genuinely don’t think that they’re rejecting you in the sense of consciously turning you away, but it’s just hard to keep up with everyone the way we used to, and this situation is asking more of them than they’re used to.

my advice is to keep that in mind. know that everyone is dealing with stuff and that when they’re ready, they’ll have an awesome friend in you. in the meantime, you’ll keep doing the things you enjoy, you journal and be creative and curious. things will fall back into place and it’ll be okay again.

how do you deal with your problems everyday??? do you have an important motto/mantra that you always keep in mind??

For me it’s all about that inner dialogue. When I was younger and I had intrusive/negative thoughts, I preferred to keep it to myself. This resulted in me sitting in that feeling and wallowing while nobody around me knew what I was going through. I knew that I needed someone to talk some sense into me, to calm me and understand me enough to save me, but I didn’t know how or where to find that person.

My turning point was when I circled it all back to myself. So, when I figured that nobody else but me understood me perfectly, and that nobody else would understand my thoughts and my needs and what I needed to hear. So I split it up and I started that inner dialogue, that’s also kind of what this blog represents.

I deal with my problems by splitting the narrative, by allowing myself to be irrational and sad and then pulling myself out of it and translating that to what I know I need to hear and internalize. I think it’s very important to do so, because as much as you can strive for it, you won’t always be this happy-go-lucky, positive, confident human being.

I got help where I needed it, because that rational, blog-side of me knew when to ask for it, and that’s the greatest part about this inner-dialogue thing. You learn to encourage yourself, to listen to yourself, to identify your needs and wants and to strengthen the relationship you have with yourself first. That’s how I deal with my problems every day :)

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday. I just don't know how to help her not panic and it's worrying me because I see her unraveling.

I am so so sorry to hear that, that must’ve been so difficult to hear for the both of you. The best thing you can do is be there for her, take care of her and love her. I’m wishing you both all the best ♡

How do prevent yourself from indulging in unhealthy competition and comparison?

I think it’s about changing your perception. Competition and comparison often tend to come from a place of wanting and longing: you either want to be someone, or beat them. But it’s about co-existing, kind of. Being able to celebrate someone else’s success and turn your jealousy into drive, knowing that you aren’t them but you have as much potential. So maybe start by practicing that: the ability to say “they’re amazing, but so am i”, celebrating your individuality and theirs, and thinking of it as co-existence rather than a race you’re running.

Hello. I have been so productive for 2-4 months, acing my uni stuff, exercising regularly, learning 2 languages, making time for my family and friends, reading books, etc. But one day I made a small mistake and suddenly I feel hopeless. Like I broke. I feel like I bothered many people with my mistake, let them down. I cried fot half a day. I also started postponing stuff for later (sometime before the mistake; around exam session). I am fairly organized but it just keeps happening. Also I struggle with lack of confidence and I have been single for like 3 years. Pitiful, truly.

Hi! If you’ve been overly productive or super busy for that long, it’s really not weird to experience a feeling of hopelessness when you ‘break’ that kind of streak you had going on. With such great performance comes the tendency to hold yourself to higher standards. It’s very likely that you’ve started viewing your achievements as the new normal, when it’s actually very impressive and also asks a lot of you when it comes to energy and time and commitment.

You’ve been doing amazing, and you should recognize that. Stop seeing this as normal, or as average, so you can credit yourself, and know your limits. You deserve breaks and off-days, and making mistakes adds to your productivity as well.

Is it valid to just feel like you can't take anything anymore? Bc of the pandemic. I really can't handle all the stress on me but I have no choice but to do it. Feelsbadman

That’s a 100% valid. You’ve seen the world collapse around you, but your responsibilities and workload have remained. Of course that’s going to affect you, it may seem like it’s all worthless or like it’s gotten a thousand times heavier to bear. It’s a lot, and it’s okay and realistic to experience that.

“there’s a world beyond your fears and feelings. what you’re experiencing is not all there is.”

+ i’m on instagram!

slfcare :

gentle reminder that nerves don’t mean you can’t do it, just that you care. you got this.

slfcare">mirahkhaii:

slfcare :

you might have this idea in your head of who you want to be– someone calmer with a different hairstyle and a better posture, fuller eyebrows and a smile with less teeth, lengthy eyelashes and long fingers for playing the piano. you might have spent your entire life kind of waiting for them to find you, for a rebirth of some kind. you might have secretly hoped to die young so you can awake as anyone else.

it takes time to change that idea, and even then it’s okay if you can’t bring yourself to love every detail, blemish and flaw, but one thing to know about yourself is that in some hard-to-imagine way, in a hidden manner, you are exactly who you’re supposed to be, and what you look like or what you wish to change about yourself won’t make you less of a person or any less worthy of good things.

whether you love yourself or not, whether you want to be who you are right now or not and whether you believe yourself to be good enough or not: who you are right now is just as good as who you’d be as that person in your mind.

I think about this post a lot. In my head my more improved imagined version of me is a girl with long thick wavy hair with curtain bangs, rocking an hourglass figure and super long eyelashes.

I always associate looking like that to being well loved by every single person and more specifically, attracting people in my real life right now which aren’t attracted to me. This characteristic that I associate that version of me with is such a weird and flawed concept by itself. LIKE having EVERYONE ? attracted to you ???

I’m starting to break that down and realise that HEY you can’t attract everyone and not every person’s simple response to you shows their attraction to you. I’m RAMBLING and GOING IN CIRCLES but essentially, behind that imagined person there tends to be an associated characteristic, and realizing what it is can help you a lot.

i promise you this: whoever you’re becoming, however much effort you’re putting in everyday, whatever it is you’re working towards outweighs the person you’ve been and the mistakes you’ve made. who you are today matters. you are not ruined.

there is no weight class for beauty. there’s not just one look, and i bet there’s not even merely one type of person you find beautiful. beauty is not a thing to achieve, it’s not something to identify and adopt, it’s you. you don’t possess it, you are it. in all of your humanity, carrying all your ideas, all of your flaws, all of your hopes and all of your excitement and experiences— you are it. you don’t need to become it, you need to recognize it.

your disability doesn’t make you less. you are whole regardless of the things you struggle with, you are whole with your leg braces and your cane and your wheelchair and your meds. you are whole with your spasms and your tensions and your attacks and your pain. none of these things will ever make you less of a person. you are whole and loved exactly how you are.

you’re allowed to speak up whenever you feel like someone’s crossing the line, especially if it happens a lot. your boundaries are far more important than keeping the peace in a relationship.

i know how crazy time can feel sometimes, like how last march has melted into this year’s march, how days are suddenly weeks are suddenly months. but the funny thing about time is that it’s on the move, perpetually, and things are changing in ways we can sometimes only see in hindsight. i don’t know how long this is going to take, but it won’t be forever. time moves us forward and will better our situations, and that’s worth it. always, forever.

for whoever needs to hear this today: the definition of being a good person is not putting others before yourself all the time, and it is not disregarding your own problems as less important or less urgent than those of who you love. you are a person, too, and you will need help and advice, too, and that is just as worthy of a thing to work for and prioritize. it isn’t selfless and beautiful to neglect yourself and it won’t make you better.

the future doesn’t exist yet. everyone around you who seems so certain of who they’ll be in ten years is harboring an idea, hoping, but all we have is right now is our current reality inching forward with time. if you don’t know who you want to be yet and can’t even imagine a future with you in it: it’s okay. you aren’t supposed to know everything, or have this detailed view of what you want it to be like. but there’s no harm in hoping for a future that fits you, and watching it shape itself into a more tangible reality as it comes. most importantly, you don’t have to feel guilty for not feeling like you’re able to see past tomorrow. you can take it one day at a time.