yasir and i were talking recently about our life during this covid time. for context, the conversation started out with me confessing to yasir that i took a shower while yasir was out and esa cried throughout the whole time…and i continued to shower.
before anyone judges me; i do know that it’s too early to try the cry it out (CIO) techniques on a 2 month old, however i also know that my kid (or any kid cries for a few select reasons: hunger, wet/poopy diaper/sleepy…and before i started my shower, i had ensured that he wasn’t hungry or wet or poopy. in fact it was his nap time so if he was irritable, it was because he was sleepy.
in any case, while i was taking a shower, i let him cry and i was alright. but later on that night, i felt like a big shit because my poor innocent child didn’t know any better and just wanted to be held and comforted and i blatantly ignored it.
also note, i deliberately took the shortest shower that i’ve probably ever taken because i couldn’t really handle it all that well. in any case, at night i broke down and confessed what i’d done to yasir and a bunch of other feelings came blubbering out.
e.g. i love him, and i’m a bad mother and i miss him while he’s sleeping but also i miss my old life so so so much! and i’m so tired! not even because he’s a generally fussy baby - cause he isn’t! but just the general pauses in nighttime sleep that i have to face because it’s tiring to have your sleep disturbed every 3-5 hours….
IN ANY CASE, i digress. the point is, i was a teary mess while confessing all of this to yasir and of course he tried to comfort me. one of the points that he made was…think about what you’d be doing during this quarantine time if you didn’t have esa…if we didn’t have esa. we would be bored AF. he’s a lot of work, but also he’s constant entertainment…
to which i replied yes i’d be bored but i did have a life before covid time that i miss! and i asked him the same question; “don’t you miss your life before esa?!”
and the reply that yasir gave me broke my heart….momentarily.
he said: what life? i didn’t have any life [in canada, he means] before esa.
initially, i wanted to restart my crying because what a terrible way to feel! that he has no life, that he was bored in his life here in canada that he missed pakistan and his friends so much that he felt like there was nothing worth keeping him here.
then, it occurred to me that he’s just being a big fucking drama queen. what does he mean what life?! i’ve tried my honest to god hardest to get him to MAKE a life for himself here! people make their lives by making friends! by socializing! making their own social circle. i’ve tried time and again to get him to be friends with my friends’ husbands, or my cousins, or even get him to stay in touch with the people he meets at his workplace. but yasir is the person who doesn’t put in any effort.
he claims that at this point in his life it’s too difficult to make friends - and while i agree with this to some extent, i can’t say that if i were uprooting myself from one country (hell continent, hemisphere, TOTAL OPPOSITE TIMEZONE) to another, i would hold on to that particular philosophy.
aside from his social circle, i’ve always tried to travel with him (near or far) or make sure he finds things to do. but yasir is sometimes honestly the most ungrateful person i feel like i’ve ever known because he refuses to acknowledge these things.
when he came to canada, his life was sort of handed to him on a silver platter. so much of his family is here, his wife is here….he’s totally able to socialize and make friends. but the man doesn’t want to put in any effort to actually build something worth staying for in canada.
i mean, that’s not totally true. he has a job here and he works hard at it and i appreciate that, honestly. but i mean. this particular trait of my husband’s drives me insane.
how ungrateful can you be. sitting in your cushy life in canada claiming you would take any chance you could get to go back to your crusty life in pakistan? well i don’t see anyone stopping him - why doesn’t he go? because everyone and their mothers know that the life here is better in almost every single aspect.
in any case, normally i would just fight with him and get the rant out of my system….but i guess my initial heartbreak delayed my angry reaction. so i had to let it out here.
this rant is simply to let it out of my head.
i still care deeply for my husband. he’s my kid’s father and he’s a good man. just sometimes he can be a big baby….but then, so can all of us.
my rant is done.