torturing myself

what must esa be thinking when we drop him off at daycare?

“oh my parents hate me again”

“oh no, they’re abandoning me again”

“wonder if they’ll come back tonight if this is it”

“what sort of parents are these?”

and at pick up what must esa be thinking?

“oh thank god i’ll be good tonight”

“i’ll sleep as much as they want just so they’ll keep me”

“i’ll make sure to be happy and play and be happy so they won’t want to abandon me anymore”

“my parents are accepting me back”

these are the thoughts that i’m constantly thinking about all day as esa is in daycare. so if you thought that by calling me a cruel parent or loveless mother that you’d try and guilt me into not sending my kid to daycare….just know that the guilt is self inflicted and already there. but i truly believe i’m doing right by my kid. i’m doing right by his needs because when i start work i will have to divide my attention. i’m doing right by letting him socialize with the other kids because we live in a pandemic stricken world and he hasn’t had any interaction.

i’m doing right or what i believe to be best for my kid. and how dare you or i or anyone doubt my intention towards my kid who is the single most important entity in my life from the second he was born to the rest of my life.

how dare you?

dropping esa off at daycare was the single most difficult thing i’ve had to do probably in my entire 30 years of life so far

and that includes birthing him. i wanted to stand there and scream and yell and throw a fit and bury myself in a hole because how could i be doing that to my kid. how can i be doing this to myself? how am i the worst parent in the history of the world?!

work starts next week and currently i’m just sitting at home feeling so useless. the daycare has a little app thing that they use to keep us in touch with what’s happening…i’ve been stalking it like my life depended on it. so…urgh.

it’s been a shitty morning. but i did just call and they said he’s happy and he had his snack and he is playing.

i cannot explain how happy those three little sentences made me.

that’s it. i’ll just be staring at the clock until it’s time to go pick him up.

much love,

k

sometimes the enormity of being a parent really hits hard at home! is that really what i am?

when i think back to the pregnancy and even birth…it almost feels surreal. as if someone else went through that whole ordeal, and here i am almost a year later with an almost-toddler baby taking his first steps and making his first sounds! can you believe it?! one whole year later and it’s still difficult to come to grips with this!

being a parent, like having the responsibility of another human being pretty much forever.

being responsible for teaching them how to poo in a toilet to how to be a decent and kind human being towards other people.

how will i do that?! what have i gotten myself into?! i’m barely a decent human being myself, HOW IN THE WORLD WILL I PROTECT MY KID FROM ME?!

today i’m having a self-doubt day.

it doesn’t help that my MiL keeps trying to guilt me into keeping esa at home (hire a nanny of sorts) when i go back to work. but i don’t want to second guess my decision.

i’ve decided daycare is the way to go, and i’m pretty much sticking to it at this time. i don’t want to change my mind unless esa absolutely hates daycare and cannot adjust at all. in that case, yes i will consider alternatives. but for now…it’s just not a path i want to go down.

anyway. ya. done.

peace.

-k

every night he lies down on the couch to watch tv (as do i, after esa’s asleep) and falls asleep around 10 pm. 

every night - BEFORE he falls asleep i tell him, hey man, just go upstairs, you’re going to fall asleep…

and every night he claims - oh no it’s only [between 9:30 to 10:00 pm] - i’m not sleepy yet!

and then he proceeds to sleep on the couch until roughly 11:30 to midnight at which point he’s finally okay to come to bed.

i think in his own mind he sleeps SLEEPS for the night at the second timeframe - so around 11:30-12:00…which. i mean. he’s 37….i think it’s high time both of us recognize that old age is coming and if we can’t stay up till 11:30 pm every night that IT IS OKAY! lol

that is all. 

much love,

-k

“raising your daughter the same as your son” does not mean the following things:

1. not caring about what she does in her future as far as career is related, but being extra super invested in all career-related paths of your son

2. claiming that she’s spoilt at home compared to her brother because it is apparently okay to spoil your daughter while she’s in her “maika”

3. having zero expectations of her as far as her education goes

4. only asking her to learn the cooking and cleaning aspect of housework, whereas for the son it’s just a hobby which if he picks up, great, if not, no harm no foul

this sentiment of “oh ya we’re raising both gendered children the same way because of [all 4 reasons listed above]” needs to be corrected.

you are not raising your children the same way. you are molding them into their stereotypical roles and you cannot claim equality. 

keh diya na? bus. keh diya. 

but this behaviour in people drives me so batshit crazy (and i’m fairly certain i’m near my period) that i can’t help but re-hash this topic over here!

one of my friends wanted to order a product and asked me for my opinion. i think if you’ve known me for 10 minutes you’d know that I HATE TO GIVE ADVICE. even when asked. 

so instead, i like to fall back on the things i know to be true. when she asked for my opinion, all i said was “looks good, but are you sure? it’s got very bad reviews”. it had 1 star out of 5 and pretty bad reviews overall when i had a look. 

that is all i said; in saying this i:

1. was not judging her for choosing to go with that item despite the reviews

2. was not judging her for choosing to go with another item

3. was not defending or defaming the product in question

in the end, she chose to go with the product she had originally chosen. to which i had 0 reaction because i didn’t care/judge whatever her decision was. I WAS ONLY ADVISING THE REVIEWS WHICH I WOULD DO FOR ANYONE. 

today she tried the product for the first time and decided that using it once was enough to give me her reviews and sent me not 1, not 2, but THREE voice note glowing reviews on the product. 

i feel like this behaviour is just SO SMALL AND PETTY because a) I NEVER FUCKING CARED and b) YOU’RE MAKING THIS ABOUT YOUR EGO! 

*note i could be totally wrong about this whole thing and then i’m just going around in circles in my head - but what’s new there honestly. 

IN ANY CASE, i told her she didn’t have to defend her decision because when you’re 110% on the defensive all the time it just feels like it’s you against the world. 

whereas i am not against anything as far as my friend is concerned. AND i’ve known her long enough and she’s known me long enough to KNOW THIS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY. 

and yet still. 

i feel like her behaviour is trying to justify her decision to me and prove me wrong about something, which i had zero vested interest in the first place. and it just makes. me. crazy. 

and that’s it. 

i’m done. 

goodnight. 

-k

you know that thing where you tell someone about something that’s unknown to them? and they ask you all about it….

only to then go and start defending their own decision to do things a certain way? as if you were giving them unsolicited advice when REALLY you were just answering their questions?

PS: for context, i told one of my friends about sleep training. she asked me all about it. and then decided to defend her decision not to sleep train as if i were giving her advice on how to do it….SHE ASKED ME THE QUESTIONS! 

i hate giving or receiving unsolicited advice. 

during the middle of november, esa’s schedule just flipped. since he was born (after the couple of rough nb months), he’s always been a good sleeper. sleeping through the night, on his own, etc. 

but in november, it just sort of turned off. now granted, we always used to have occasional days (growth spurt, etc) when his sleep wasn’t as great even before then - so whenever something out of the ordinary happened, he was usually able to revert it fairly quickly!

so i kept thinking, this is temporary, it’ll go back, it’ll go back. but it didn’t. 

fast forward to early january, with the second lockdown and our own family even stopped meeting because my mom and my khala both got covid….well yasir and i sort of were going insane. 

esa wasn’t sleeping, and we had been experiencing a legit stay at home order so….it was not fun. 

that was when i finally decided (with the SERIOUS help of my friend) to do it. i finally decided to give sleep training a go. my thinking was….this could either work and we would go back to sleeping through the night and our own sleep would be much less disturbed…or it could not and we’d really just end up back where we are. 

which means…well that just means no loss really. i mean….at the point where you haven’t got much to lose, why wouldn’t you try everything! and just so everyone’s clear, we did try a bunch of other stuff before we landed on ST.

and today i am SO HAPPY to report that it actually seems to be working! my baby has gone back to his regular sleep schedule and it’s EVEN BETTER than it was before! i mean….i am kind of in awe myself and literally just thinking about how it’ll revert every other day. and truly, it might revert. but the biggest thing we can do is stay consistent. 

here’s a brief summary of how it went.

jan 16 (i think) - when we finally decided to start. he cried for around 45 minutes before finally going to sleep….and then i cried for the next 5 after that. then he woke up every 3 hours but we continued to let him cry. it was short time periods

jan 17 - didn’t cry, straight to sleep but woke up every 3 hours crying - very short bursts of ries

jan 18 - similar, except that he did one 3 hour stretch and then one 6 hour stretch (so cut out one of his night time wakings)

jan 19 - shit went to hell. he went to sleep after ONE HOUR of crying, and then 3 hours later he still woke up and cried for another chunk (not as long, but maybe 15 minutes) - this night was tough, but of course we stayed consistent….once again i cried after he was done

jan 20 onwards - no crying for night time sleep and he slept through the night up until last night!

and now his naps are all good too! he’s not crying when i put him to sleep for his naps either…..

i mean, i can’t call this a success yet because i keep thinking it’s a fluke, but i’m so so so happy i finally did it! it doesn’t honestly get easier to listen to your kid cry, but it does get WAY more infrequent! 

we have an established bedtime routine (finally) and it’s working out really well for us and i can’t explain to you how happy that makes me!

i hope that i can continue to stay true to the techniques and if we have any blips, may God give me the strength to get through it, honestly. 

that’s all. 

much love!

k

is to have your partner cast even a shadow of a doubt on your parenting. 

when it comes to parenting, i’m pretty set in my ways and they’re a mix of what i research myself, what my doctor tells me, and what my parents/members of my close circle advise. i pick and choose the things i think work best for esa and for us.

let me tell you right now, when i say “set in my ways”, i don’t mean unwilling to change. but rather, set in my method of gathering information and utilizing it. i’m always trying to look for new ways. if i find something that looks promising, i always try and discuss it with yasir and get his input. his input is almost 100% nothing. he usually just chips in/mumbles with “oh ya whatever”. 

so i go on and do what i think. i try and make him listen to me and actually provide his opinion forcefully, but the most i can get out of him is honestly not much more than what he’s willing to say. 

but when i try these things, he’s the first person to blame me when they go wrong. usually i can handle criticism. in one ear, out the other. but everyone has a breaking point. everyone. and when it comes from your partner, the other parent to your child, it just becomes difficult to handle sometimes. 

so if anyone is reading this and catches themselves doing it…be kind. don’t be that guy. 

-k

there’s so much uncertainty in the world. in my world. i used to think i had my life ahead of me to travel and see places. and here we are, more than a year into my mat leave, stuck in a pandemic. 

what is life?

now it’s uncertain that things will ever go back to “normal”? what’s the new normal? i foresee a LOT more wfh. 

i think that’s hilarious, because before the whole pandemic, our team specifically was very interested in wfh and piloted a test and everything. however when they came out successful, and went to hr to request for it to be an official company wide supported change in our work culture, they were quite flatly denied [L O L]. 

and now…..wellllllll hr and these companies don’t have much choice do they?! necessity is the mother of invention. 

when human is pushed to their limit, they finally start to push back against the boundary. for we will never have to face that which we cannot handle. 

as a species, we are so fucking resilient. we won’t let ourselves die out, we will persist and persist and persist, and then some. how crazy is that, right? what an interesting and complex species God has made us. and yet with one tiny change in our anatomy, He could have decided that this would be it for us. sometimes it feels surreal that we’re still here living through this pandemic, but we are. it’s so difficult to plan anything, so difficult to look forward because it’s as if every time we try and look forward and create some sort of certainty in our future, an old traumatic memory comes back and hits us. 

okay, to be fair, i should say this is just me. i’m certain a SIGNIFICANT chunk of human kind is struggling mentally with this pandemic and what it’s done to our world, but each experience is different. 

for me, this is what has come of it. it’s almost a moot point to try and make plans…

who knows what tomorrow will bring? the cure? another variant? life? death? who knows truly. 

sometimes things hit home so hard, and for me….it’s uncertainty of pretty much everything!

that’s all i had on my mind tonight. it was brought on by my more and more prevalent thoughts about how i will celebrate my kid’s first birthday in april. 

we’re halfway through january today. and i can’t for the life of me figure out what things will be like in april. will i have to do a 100% virtual party? will it have to be just with yasir’s and my immediate family at our home? will i even be able to consider the possibility of having something bigger?! inviting more family and DARE I SAY IT, friends?! 

maybe uncertainty is good. or i mean the realization of it, because it’s always been around, we’ve just always felt like we controlled most aspects of our lives (falsehood that we tell ourselves as a species). 

in any case. that’s all. i’m done. 

much love!

-k

can’t say happy yet - although i shouldn’t be ungrateful. 2020 was a big year for me as i welcomed my peanut and yasir and i truly became a family unit….

it’s true, i should have always considered us a unit, but truth be told, i usually didn’t as much. i always considered myself more part of my parents’ home than at my own home. 

that will never change - to be clear. i will always be at home with mama and baba. they are my first home. but now i am home also with my esa and yasir. 

i guess it’ll also take time. 26 years of my life was spent at home with my parents. only 3 so far (4 in march) have been with my husband….and less than a year with my peanut. 

but…my whole heart lives inside esa’s tiny fists. and it beats for his laughter. and it’s probably fair to say i’m obsessed. anyway i’m not super into pda, but my baby is….well he’s me. and yasir. maybe love for your child is the most selfish and selfless thing simultaneously. 

ANYWHO. that’s not why i started this post. i suppose there really isn’t much for me to say though. i guess this year will be a big one too - nothing major just big stuff in my own life. 

1. i’m turning 3 - 0 ! end of a decade, start of another lol 
2. javaria’s moving in february (she’ll be going even farther now…)
3. i’m contemplating joining the board of directors for my condo corporation
4. i will be returning to work in april! meeting with my boss is set for thursday

and i guess that’s the first quarter of my year laid out. 

in the rest of the year….lol well the rest of the year will really just be dependent on that successful first quarter (ESPECIALLY #4). 

i’m excited about going back to work. and secretly i am really hoping and interested in pursuing this board member role (totally voluntary and unpaid) because….well why not!)

my main resolution this year is just….well truly my main main resolution would just be to lose some weight. i am at this current time [GULP] bigger than i was at my most pregnant weight! can you believe that?! 

urgh. i hate myself. 

anyway. that’s it. 

much love,

k

is to think “oh what would they be eating?” when the lady of the home gets sick. because of course our thoughts are so deeply rooted in the fact that only a woman can enter the kitchen and cook.

my mom told me this today - in the context of how it borderline annoys her. 

then the conversation moved on and i told her how i didn’t have tomatoes left today so i substituted ketchup in their place in my aloo gobi. 

and her reaction to that (after of course telling me tomatoes are not essential and if this were to happen again, don’t bother with any substitution - just fyi if anyone was ever wondering) was to say [and i quote]:

“poor yasir”

this line of thinking will never end because of exactly this right here. we continue to be annoyed by it and yet we also continue to perpetuate it. 

just some food for thought for the night. 

i told her [all high and mighty on my throne] that i would teach esa to be grateful if his wife cooks for him and otherwise to make sure he himself learns to cook! and at this moment in my parenthood i plan on dong exactly that! but who knows what sort of person i will be when i become more mature/tenured as a parent…

maybe i will also fall right into the coddle-son-till-you-die pattern (although i sincerely hope not). 

there has to be a better way to love your child. 

sorry, better is the wrong word here. all love is good. but for me, i’d like to explore a different option if there’s one out there. because honestly it’s starting to seem like there really is not. but what do i know - i haven’t met all mothers and all sons in the world….

k that’s it. 

much love.

-k

my whole world was shaken to it’s core today as i saw esa turning himself over to turn while he was lying on the changing table. unsecured.

to be honest, i’m not totally sure what happened after. i remember yelling “ESA” and then “YASIR” and then….i really can’t say. here’s what i’m telling everyone, and truly this is what i believe to have happened but idk what sort of adrenaline hit me that i just do not recall those exact seconds. i believe i turned around, and tried to grab esa and i did grab him right as he was close to the ground but he ended up slipping out of my arms.

when yasir walked in, i was standing on the opposite side of the closet/entrance to the room (i.e. opposite of where i started out before this whole ordeal) and bawling my eyes out, esa was on the ground just started to cry but then got alarmed with yasir running in and my loud crying so he actually became fairly quiet and confused. 

then yasir stared for a few moments, processing and i think i cried out that he fell, esa fell. yasir finally understood, grabbed esa off the ground as i melted to the ground and continued to cry. 

i cannot stop replaying this fragmented event in my mind ever since it happened. i’ve apologized a million and one times to esa. 

yasir was actually so kind to me. he said nice things, he made me feel better….i know if the roles were reversed i wouldn’t hesitate for ONE SECOND to rip him several new ones per minute. 

that’s what happened today. 

i hate myself. if something ever happens to esa….i might have to kill myself. 

also i still haven’t e-mailed the doctor because my fat ass can’t get over my own guilt long enough to realize that it is IMPORTANT FOR ESA that the doctor know this and maybe if something needs to be done, the sooner the better, ALWAYS. 

god forbid though that my baby is affected by this. may Allah swt keep my darling esa safe and happy and safe. i do not deserve him, i know this.

-k

and i think my heart has exploded in happiness. he expressed his appreciation for me and i know that is soooo difficult for him! but he did. he did it with a sheepish grin on his face and i cannot explain what that meant to me. 

i won’t lie though; i can just hear mama being disappointed and telling me how i should be ashamed of myself. does a husband need to thank his wife for cooking (i.e. doing what she should be doing anyway, in mama’s mind). 

but i don’t feel guilty…or ashamed. i told him before he left 

for work this morning that i would get takeout and i fully intended to, but then i just changed my mind. just for the sake of trying out the recipe, to be honest. in any case, i wasn’t planning on doing it, but i did. and he appreciated it, so he voiced his appreciation.

and i appreciate that. 

much love,

k

i read something that a girl posted on my instagram. it was in reference to the miscarriage that meghan markle wrote about in an op-ed piece. and it was sympathizing with her and it said something along the lines of “as soon as you become pregnant, you become a mother”. 

that stuck with me. truly. and not because i agreed with it. but because i disagree. i didn’t become a mother until i actually became A MOTHER. which was when my kid was born. and that maternal care and instinct didn’t even kick in right then! 

at that moment it was more of a “ew gross i basically just pooped out this slimy thing, get it off me” feeling. [WILDLY incorrect and inaccurate analogy of childbirth and my knowledge of it, i know, but whatever]

in any case. that’s just it. my whole pregnancy…i wasn’t a mother. i am a mother now. i became a mother april 10th when esa was born. 

when you’re a first time mom, how do you know what sort of parenthood you will experience when your baby arrives. although i won’t say that i believe that’s impossible; it is impossible to know the depth of your love for sure, but it is definitely possible to feel for your fetus before they are born. 

either way. that’s it. that’s all i had to say. i don’t agree that this is the case for all women; you become a mom when you become a mom….when you get pregnant, all you are is pregnant lol. 

that’s all. my 2 cents. 

goodnight!

-k

i’ve heard this so much, while i was pregnant and even now that i’ve had a baby. 

wait until you experience the pain of labour

wait until you experience the pain of birth

wait until you lose sleep over your child

wait until he starts crying for no reason and you can’t figure it out

wait until he starts crawling and walking and running and you gotta run around behind him

wait until a million other things that honestly made me dread having a baby

ironically, all of these things came from parents….those same parents who urged me to go and reproduce….it’s weird isn’t it?! i guess maybe they were trying to help me understand my new reality?

in any case, i’m sure it was all well-intentioned (rolling eyez 4 dayz). there was only one person or maximum 2 that i can truly recall (and i wouldn’t forget, because it was different what they said, not the run-of-the-mills wait untils….) that said things along the lines of “enjoy your baby”. 

when i heard that, it felt odd to me. what does it mean to enjoy your baby? what does it mean to enjoy another human being?! what relationship is it that forms between a parent and their child that they will ENJOY the time they spend together, truly, sincerely.

but now i know what it means. so here, let me try and describe it to you. enjoying your kid is eagerly looking forward to when they’ll smile for you. when they’ll laugh for you. when they’ll recognize you and give you a massive grin. when you’ll start to understand their developing personality. when you become one of the few people they’ll be comfortable in. 

enjoying them is finding pleasure [PLEASURE] in the mind numbingly terrifying reality that you have to support and raise this baby to be a good and decent human being and you have to feed them. but it’s not a responsibility like a burden on your mind…it’s just a reality. it’s your reality. you owe this little life a chance to live. you owe it to them because you chose to reproduce. 

but there’s pleasure in that. not burden, not pain, not anything. pleasure and happiness knowing that you are their safety net. you are their guardian. 

i’ve never experienced such weight in that word; guardian. protector. parent. you are all they know….

enjoying your baby is celebrating their baby milestones. feeling their pain when they’re constipated but also feeling the elation when they’ve finally pooped as if you’ve just cleared out your own system not someone else’s. 

enjoying your baby is all of that and so much more. 

so yeah, parenting is tough and all of the wait until’s are right. they’ll keep you up at night, they’ll make you fight with your partner, they’ll drive you insane (i’m sure as they grow older the amount of insane will grow along with them), they’ll do all of that. 

but you’re there for the ride every single step of the way. and not only will you enjoy them driving you insane - YOU’LL CRAVE IT. you’ll want it. you’ll want your child to need you, to want you. the same as every fiber of your being wants them. 

i guess….maybe everyone says the wait untils because underlying is the purest form of love you’ll ever experience and…..it’s a straight given.

so…..7 months later, i’m here to tell you….i’m here for it. i’m here for the ride. i’m here for the crazy. i’m here for all the wait untils. i’m here for my son as long as i can be. 

much love,

k

like EXTREMELY. and it’s all coming out on yasir - as per usual. 

but also urgh urgh urgh. sometimes it drives me crazy. i’m going to say something now that makes me feel extremely vulnerbale. 

yasir has his own life. he’s got his own schedule and life and whatever. and while he helps out at home and of course with esa (MORE than just helps, i make sure to divide the work evenly), he still has the possibility of just getting up and going and doing whatever. whereas i’m always with esa while he’s awake. 

before i go on: my time with esa is more previous to me than anything else in the entire world. 

but be that as it may, i do want to have time on my own where i don’t feel guilty about not being with him. the way i feel guilty is when yasir watches over him but really he’s just put him on the swing. there’s no actual interaction or playing or anything. 

it makes me crazy. 

and in his schedule and his lifestyle he’s unwilling to compromise a lot of stuff. like he’s set in his ways and just won’t budge at times and that makes me even more crazy. 

like holy crap man, THERE ARE PRIORITIES. you can give higher priority to your kid or wife someday. 

i wholeheartedly believe though that what goes around comes around. i won’t deliberate on what that means but anyway. 

that’s all. i’m done talking about this. 

-k

yasir is from a big family (mashallah). and on top of that, he lived his whole life in a joint family system - his family was made after two sisters married two brothers. and they all lived together for a total of 10 children (siblings/cousins). 

i am from an immediate family of 4 people (including me). so suffice it to say that our childhoods were wildly different!

my SiL makes it a point to say something about how esa isn’t used to a big family environment and he’s used to just being the 3 of us pretty much every time she comes over. and my MiL is always upset after meeting with people because “sannata ho gaya”. sannata means quite but with a negative connotation. so she’s unhappy. 

and the other day over the phone i heard her say something along the lines of how it’s good to be used to more people and when people aren’t used to it, they enjoy meeting others for a short time but beyond that they prefer to be alone. she said this in a less then favourable way indicating that she thought it was not a good habit.

but i disagree. and maybe that is because i am from a much smaller family and my environment growing up was quiet. however, introverts are born to bigger families as well so i really don’t think it’s a matter of big or small family environments. 

either way, my point is, yes she’s (MiL) right. i do like to spend time with others but do greatly appreciate my own private life A LOT. so when someone comes and goes, maybe she’s upset by it, and maybe i am too because it was a nice time, but there’s no denying that i prefer it afterwards a lot more too! 

right when someone’s left is honestly TOO early to start missing them. and also, let’s clarify that this is the case for most people, however there are a select few family members where i don’t feel this way either. like my parents or my sister - i never feel like they’ve left at a good time and i always want them to stay longer.

ANYWAY. my point in this post was, when she says this crap, it gets on my nerves a little. in every situation i’ve experienced with my in laws, there’s an underlying theme. that their thought process never actually considers that the other people might be different from them genuinely. that we are not all cloned copies of each other and when you look outside your window or your country or your culture or your ethnicity - you find that people come in all shapes, sizes, thoughts, backgrounds, traditions, cultures. 

so ya. maybe some day i’ll get the courage to say these things out loud. but to be honest, i doubt even if i had the courage i would. cause why bother fixing something that’s totally beyond my control. all i can do is continue to live my life my way. which is my right. 

anywho. that is all. ultimately when it comes to sannata vs sakoon - my in laws’ sannata, is my sakoon. lol 

-k

yesterday a truly terrifying thought came into my mind and i honestly could not handle it then, and even now it’s still stuck in my head just swirling around in there. 

the thought was…if yasir and i were to die to in our sleep, how long would it take for anyone to figure out something was wrong and come for esa?!

or i guess come for us, but the top of mind for both of us is just esa really. i asked yasir and he thinks it would take a day. god i hope he’s right. i hope it’s less than that. i hope if (GOD FORBID) something goes so awry like that it takes no time at all for someone to figure out that something was wrong and to come and check on my baby. 

even if it only took a day, my baby would just be lying in his crib crying for the whole day and that thought gave me (and is still giving me) so many chills i cannot deal. 

yesterday was the first time i ever felt wholly and completely selfless because all i could think was we have to stick around long enough for my kid to be able to take care of himself. we have to stick around for esa. there is not one ounce of selfish want in that statement because i don’t care anymore for my bucket list or my goals or anything. i do of course. but all those to one side and esa to the other. 

my kid needs his parents to be able to become an adult. when he’s good and ready to fly off, i hope i won’t be the parent trying to stop him. i would like to see him go and be independent and come back to his parents often and with love. but even then i want to lay behind a good strong safety net for him. in case he ever needs it, his parents will have done whatever possible that they could have. 

no coddling, no spoiling. just parenting. parenting to raise a responsible, conscientious, good human being. 

please dear God grant yasir and i enough of a lifetime in order to see esa be happy and successful and become an adult. let us be able to support him in his lifetime and after our own lifetime. 

ameen. sum ameen. 

-k

when we were young, i remember whenever there was chocolate or other goodies at home that my mom would hide them so that we wouldn’t eat them all at once. she would always find a new spot and i would always search high and low for them. and eventually, i would find them.

now, i find myself doing something so similar with yasir it’s kind of weird. i hide his stuff when he doesn’t put it away where it belongs after he’s done using it. most of all that means i’m hiding his playstation controller. 

as i’m typing this out, it occurs to me that this is not the same thing at all with what my mother used to do. this is way different and the only commonality is that we both hide stuff. 

the reason i do what i do with yasir is because i’m trying to teach him to pick up after himself. i joke with my friends that i’ve had to raise yasir, but somewhere along the way it became not a joke anymore at all. i am actually trying to get yasir to be an adult…

that’s not fair; an adult up to my personal subjective standards. although i think we can generally all agree that being able to pick up after oneself is a trait we would expect an adult to have. in any case, here i am actually trying to raise my husband and i’ve realized either i’m totally in the wrong or else i’ve gone past some line that i should have maintained. 

the truth is….it drives me insane. INSANE that he doesn’t act like an adult, insane that amid people he gets out his phone and stares at it, insane that he chooses to give his videogame time above his kid, insane insane insane insane that even in this age - even at 36 going on 37 (in november), i believe that my husband is looking for a get-rich-quick scheme to earn an income. 

these are traits that i do not deem “adult-like” and it makes me ABSOLUTELY CRAZY that in his life he didn’t have people to teach him how to be an adult. it makes me burn with rage that he was coddled his whole life by his mother/sisters/aunts - because he is a boy. 

and i’m afraid that because of this ridiculous rage that i feel towards my in laws and also towards yasir (because taught or not, he does and has lived in the real world for the past 36 years, at some point you gotta be your own person and realize what it means to be an adult yourself too and he just chooses to let his life be led by anyone other than him) will adversely affect the way i actually raise the one person i’m supposed to be raising - my kid. 

i already hear myself (only half jokingly) saying to esa (my 5-month old) to not be like his father but rather take after his mother. sometimes i can’t believe the things that come of out of my mouth and this is one of those. how can i possibly try and instill a negative bias of yasir in his kid - i think i might be the most evil bitch i know. 

but there you have it folks. evil bitch reporting for duty; step one, turn child against his dad.

but the truth is, my husband is a good person. if i stop looking at him through evil-bitch lens, i would see extremely clearly how good he is. he takes part in housework, he respects me, he cares for me, he tries to keep things as equal as he can (which might not be 100% but relative to the environment he’s coming from it’s kind of like 1000%). and most important of all, when i ask him to treat me as his equal, he never objects. he never objects. i don’t know if that’s because he’s resigned to it or (and this is actually the reason i believe he is the way he is) in his own heart he believes equality is the right way (seeing as he might have grown up around women being pushed down or else women being held up, two sides to each coin…). 

so anyway; in conclusion we have established:

1. my husband is a good man

2. i set my bar too high for him - and even if i do, i should at least try and make it eventual

3. i am an evil bitch

that’s it. 

goodnight.

komal  

which is good. i was going to say it’s not always a bad thing, but in truth i can’t think of a time when a quiet stretch has ever meant it’s been bad. 

we’re just at home mostly these days; watching tv, playing with esa, eating, sleeping…basic human stuff. so i guess there’s not much to talk about. 

i watched a new drama series called churails. that was quite good; it’s a mini series with 10 episodes that is made by pakistani actors/people but aired only on an indian subscription website because of it’s incredibly liberal storyline. 

if it were to be played on pakistani television…i don’t even know what sort of fatwahs would start being issued against the ladies or men involved in the series. 

also another interesting thing; my friend sent a map of the world today highlighting the different cultural roots in each part of the world. the west is mostly rooted in the culture of guilt whereas the east is mostly rooted in the culture of shame. i.e. the western society acts with the thinking “is my behaviour fair?”. whereas the east will think “what will people think of my behaviour”. 

while my friend pointed out that neither of the cultures are favourable - i will say that the culture of guilt, in my opinion, is DEFINITELY the lesser of 2 evils. at least in guilt, we’re trying to abide by a certain set of rules/laws that were made for our own good. whereas shame…well anyone with enough status/wealth/lineage can shame you. whether they’re intrinsically correct or not doesn’t truly matter…

so…there’s my 2 cents on that. 

and that’s all i’ve got to say in general on this quiet night. 

much love!

k

well….here we are. esa will turn five months this year….F I V E MONTHS! take that in. where has the time even flown by?! i’m just in awe. next month he’ll be 6 months and that will also be the halfway point of my mat leave! 

so far, my finances have been okay. but this month, i think i’ll be hitting an all time low on my account balance - not because of the major necessary expenses but rather because i had a bit of a surplus and thanks to amazon i’ve managed to burn through most of it! lol 

but in any case, alhumdulillah yasir is in a position that he’s able to support us financially so that’s great! also, mama and baba gave me some money (because i’m their favourite charity case lol no i’m kidding, obviously they’re doing this as parents and because i had expressed my concerns about our financial stability). but i am adamant on not having to spend any money from what they’ve given because i plan on returning it exactly as is when i’m off mat leave. i know they’ll never accept it back either, but maybe (God Forbid hard times ever befall them, but not one person of all of us is safe from it should it come) if they’re ever in need, i’ll at least have a bit of a cushion to support them with. 

which of course, i plan on doing regularly as much as i am able. once i’m done having children (planning for 2, second within the next 4 years….) and i’ve gone back to work and my income can be more stable (God willing of course - that my job continues!) i can save up for my parents’ retirement and hopefully make some of their whims come to life. things like home renos etc that we plan and plan but never bring to fruition. 

also, i owe my sister money from when i bought my house! when i was able to pay it back, she didn’t accept but inshallah whenever she goes to purchase her home, i will of course return the help (which was truly appreciated, obviously). 

but i mean….all of this is just to say. i am so very grateful that my parents and family have been able to provide each other with this sort of net of stability. if the line i’m walking gets too thin, i know i’ll fall into their net and still be alright. 

and that’s the kind of trust and faith i want to be able to provide Esa. for him to know that his parents have his best interest at heart and that we will always be there for him. 

and of course ultimately that he should turn to Allah. but i will confess, my faith while strong in theory is not strong in practice. i.e. i don’t pray or read Q’uran or any of that :( 

this is a major goal of mine. that and losing weight….let’s hope we make some good headway on this for the duration of the year! 

and that’s all the rambling i’m going to be doing today. 

much love!

-k

my in laws created a lot of drama during my sister’s wedding. i know what you’re thinking - where do my in laws even come into the picture of my sister’s wedding? why golly, they’re the absolute guests of honour aren’t they?! that’s my petty sarcasm, in case you can’t tell. 

the first issue arose when they were told that kids weren’t invited to the wedding (including theirs but excluding my kid and my cousins’ kids…). they believed that for my parents (the people hosting the wedding) their son in law’s sister’s kids should have held higher priority than their own siblings grandkids (kids who their consider their own grandkids as well). 

naturally this is ludicrous and they told my husband to tell us that they would not be in attendance at the wedding. then my parents went to distribute the invites (at this point i had not yet passed on this nugget of information that they would not be coming to my parents) and they were one of stops that my parents went to. so because my parents went and stopped and gave them their invites, they finally “turned the other cheek”, sat on their high horses and rode in to the wedding about an hour late with bitch face syndrome on high. 

thanks! you came, how kind. how could we possibly have held the ceremony without you. 

and then for the reception they weren’t invited and i was told and my husband was told time and time and time again that they should have been invited. and then my MiL (one of two) called and spoke to me and made it a point to say all of these things claiming she could talk openly to me as she considered me her daughter. 

great, thanks MiL. so happy to hear your comfort level in being able to shit talk my parents with me. 

this doesn’t seem like a lot, but i guess during the time all this was happening i took it wayyyyy too seriously and it tainted the happiness at that time. it is what it is.

at the end of the day, it would have been so refreshing if we could have held a wedding and everyone could have happily participated or quietly sat out. how kind of them to show up with their asshole mentalities. 

sometimes i really hate my in laws.

-k

there have been so many times over the past half a month that i’ve wished i could have logged in on here and exploded my thoughts. but because of javaria’s wedding and alllll the drama surrounding it, i just haven’t been able.

and also because i’m a lazy fuck, but i mean, that’s a given, isn’t it? 

and now that i’ve finally found my way on here….i’m honestly too tired of it all to say anything. sigh. 

maybe some other day…

do you ever feel like you’re being perceived as someone you’re totally not? like only one or two people among alllll of those that you know, know exactly the kind of petty, conniving little cockroach you are? 

i do. all the time. i feel like i’ve got everyone fooled, even my parents and the 2 people who know my absolute truth are my sister and my husband. they know all of the shit that’s inside my brain, perhaps because over the years with my sister and throughout my marriage, these things have made there way out.

it’s to the point where if someone compliments me, i feel ashamed that i’ve tricked them into thinking something that just isn’t true…and if someone compliments me in front of my sister or my husband, then i feel even more vulnerable and at risk of being exposed. the fact that these 2 people have maintained my character in front of everyone else seems just….like i don’t actually know how to repay them ever in my lifetime, anyway. 

anyway. this is kind of a weird post, but this feeling doesn’t go away. that people meet me and think that maybe i’m a normal person, but actually i’m a little shit hidden inside of a seemingly normal person just fooling the world one person at a time. 

urgh. 

k

i’m done. 

-k

PS: my ultimate goal in life would be to become the person i am perceived as by the majority of the people around me. or to become the person my parents hoped to raise me as. even if i got up to half of their standards, i think i’d be happy. k done, for real now. 

i feel like on here i talk about a total of 3 things and since i’ve had my kid it’s become 4. 

but what can i say - i guess i have a pretty limited life so i can really only talk about this stuff  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

in any case, today i experienced some serious mom guilt. because today esa was the perfect angel baby. he took all his naps, he didn’t cry at all, he ate, he played, he was just….perfect. 

he didn’t expect anything of his parents, he didn’t fuss when he got hungry, he wasn’t a burden on anyone. he’s never a burden on his parents, i hope to god that if there’s one thing i can do in my kid’s lifetime is to make sure that he knows that he’s a blessing for his parents and nothing else. never a burden, never a worry, only a blessing. 

while all the days of my life that i spend with my kid are and will continue to be the best days of my life, they will also continuously remind me of the turd i was before i met esa. before when i didn’t know how much i would love this tiny human, before when my heart didn’t become full just at the sight of his silly smile, before when i didn’t know what true and unconditional love for another human being meant. 

the love that you feel for your child….gosh i don’t know how to describe it. even while in the womb, he was a good kid and i was never sick or upset and i didn’t even know i wanted esa until i got him. 

in fact most of the time i was pregnant i spent thinking i didn’t want what was coming and i couldn’t handle it and i worried about the financial situation and how i would afford a child. 

now i know nothing in the world is as priceless to me as my child. nothing in the entire world will be worth as much to me as my kid will be. i don’t know what else to say but i feel like the best anecdote i have to describe it is this:

while i was pregnant i thought i was going to be rewarded with a big storm and then a little rainbow in the form of my child. like i was going to worry and worry and worry and worry and my kid would be a nice little cherry on top of the worry. 

but now i know the reward i got was the rainbow and all the pots of gold in the world and all of my worries are on one side of my life and my kid has my whole heart on the other side. and if i go broke tomorrow and i lose my job and i become sick and whatever bad thing can happen happens to me, the first and last thing i will worry about will only be how i will go on caring for esa. because that’s all i want to do. 

for the time while he was inside the womb, i don’t know if he could feel sometimes the amount of stress i attributed to his being born or the sheer lack of any sort of excitement or love from his mother. i wonder if he ever thought for one second that he was being born to a mother who wouldn’t care for him. i know it’s irrational to think these things and there’s probably no way babies in the womb can feel these feelings, but this is my mom guilt. 

and on days like today where i realize that in all my wildest dreams i couldn’t have imagined a kid so good whom i would love so much, i can’t help but go back and feel like a shit. what if he did feel unwanted before he was born. what if he continues to feel unwanted. what if he ever, even for 1 nano second, starts to think or believe that he’s a burden on his mother. 

i would die of shame and broken heartedness if i ever let my kid feel that way. basically what i’m trying to say is i hope that i can do right by esa and i hope that someday i can be the mother that deserves the amazing kid she got. 

he’s asleep at the moment and i miss him. i’m not on my period, so that’s not why i’m so emotional. there’s just a lot of mom guilt coursing through my veins right now. i almost wish it would never leave me either, so that i can make sure to always be the mom that esa needs. 

that’s all. 

-k 

why is it that when yasir does something i’ve asked of him or if he somehow picks it up on his own, i am soooo grateful and thank him and then feel even sometimes bad that he’s doing it!

note this is something that i’d feel bad about if it was outside of the “traditional” gender role. 

if i do the same, i don’t see yasir praising me or being appreciative of me. i take care of my kid all day - i don’t see anyone giving me special praise. 

to be clear - i don’t want any special praise. what i want is that when yasir does the same thing (i.e. take care of his child all day) that he not receive any special praise as well. 

i hear it, it sounds twisted, but my point is if society will give praise then give it equally! 

when i watch my kid, it’s my job, when yasir watches HIS own KID, it’s babysitting. 

that’s bs. and it’s not yasir’s fault that he doesn’t feel bad about me doing more or doing house work and it’s not my fault that i feel like i need to go out of my way to thank him.

to be clear, i absolutely believe that everyone should be acknowledged when they do something worthwhile and appreciation never hurt anyone! positive reinforcement is the way to go, for sure. but it’s just annoying that even in me, the unfairness is ingrained of what sort of praise i would receive vs yasir if we did the exact same thing. 

OVERALL WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS: my husband is a mature man and when i ask him for help or i ask him to take care of esa or cook or clean with me, he does. and i appreciate it. and i appreciate him. because despite him coming from a fairly traditional situation back in pakistan, he is not by nature like that. he doesn’t think little of me when i don’t want to cook, and he doesn’t feel inferior to me when i ask him to cook.

so i appreciate that. 

and ya. i feel like i should quit on this post now. the end.

-k

sometimes i look around me at my life that i’ve been given and i just cannot understand what i’ve ever done to deserve all of this. i cannot say alhumdulillah enough for the gratitude that bubbles in my heart.

none of this is because of any effort on my part - anything that i am today and all the good that continues to come my way i would accredit 100% to my parents and their prayers. 

but in front of all that they’ve done for me, i feel like i am still constantly failing them. and all that god has given me - i’ve definitely failed Him. 

this feeling of having more than i deserve…i feel like it’s a constant storm cloud hanging over my head. that someday, this glitch that’s been so gracious with me is going to fix itself and then all of a sudden i’ll end up with exactly what i deserve….and then what? 

i’ll just be left with a serious deficit in my life. 

sigh. okay that’s all. tomorrow’s canada day. esa’s first! and ther aren’t even any fireworks this year :’( how sad! 

that’s all for my random morning babblings at the moment. 

much love!

-k

yasir and i were talking recently about our life during this covid time. for context, the conversation started out with me confessing to yasir that i took a shower while yasir was out and esa cried throughout the whole time…and i continued to shower. 

before anyone judges me; i do know that it’s too early to try the cry it out (CIO) techniques on a 2 month old, however i also know that my kid (or any kid cries for a few select reasons: hunger, wet/poopy diaper/sleepy…and before i started my shower, i had ensured that he wasn’t hungry or wet or poopy. in fact it was his nap time so if he was irritable, it was because he was sleepy. 

in any case, while i was taking a shower, i let him cry and i was alright. but later on that night, i felt like a big shit because my poor innocent child didn’t know any better and just wanted to be held and comforted and i blatantly ignored it. 

also note, i deliberately took the shortest shower that i’ve probably ever taken because i couldn’t really handle it all that well. in any case, at night i broke down and confessed what i’d done to yasir and a bunch of other feelings came blubbering out. 

e.g. i love him, and i’m a bad mother and i miss him while he’s sleeping but also i miss my old life so so so much! and i’m so tired! not even because he’s a generally fussy baby - cause he isn’t! but just the general pauses in nighttime sleep that i have to face because it’s tiring to have your sleep disturbed every 3-5 hours….

IN ANY CASE, i digress. the point is, i was a teary mess while confessing all of this to yasir and of course he tried to comfort me. one of the points that he made was…think about what you’d be doing during this quarantine time if you didn’t have esa…if we didn’t have esa. we would be bored AF. he’s a lot of work, but also he’s constant entertainment…

to which i replied yes i’d be bored but i did have a life before covid time that i miss! and i asked him the same question; “don’t you miss your life before esa?!”

and the reply that yasir gave me broke my heart….momentarily. 

he said: what life? i didn’t have any life [in canada, he means] before esa.

initially, i wanted to restart my crying because what a terrible way to feel! that he has no life, that he was bored in his life here in canada that he missed pakistan and his friends so much that he felt like there was nothing worth keeping him here. 

then, it occurred to me that he’s just being a big fucking drama queen. what does he mean what life?! i’ve tried my honest to god hardest to get him to MAKE a life for himself here! people make their lives by making friends! by socializing! making their own social circle. i’ve tried time and again to get him to be friends with my friends’ husbands, or my cousins, or even get him to stay in touch with the people he meets at his workplace. but yasir is the person who doesn’t put in any effort. 

he claims that at this point in his life it’s too difficult to make friends - and while i agree with this to some extent, i can’t say that if i were uprooting myself from one country (hell continent, hemisphere, TOTAL OPPOSITE TIMEZONE) to another, i would hold on to that particular philosophy. 

aside from his social circle, i’ve always tried to travel with him (near or far) or make sure he finds things to do. but yasir is sometimes honestly the most ungrateful person i feel like i’ve ever known because he refuses to acknowledge these things. 

when he came to canada, his life was sort of handed to him on a silver platter. so much of his family is here, his wife is here….he’s totally able to socialize and make friends. but the man doesn’t want to put in any effort to actually build something worth staying for in canada. 

i mean, that’s not totally true. he has a job here and he works hard at it and i appreciate that, honestly. but i mean. this particular trait of my husband’s drives me insane. 

how ungrateful can you be. sitting in your cushy life in canada claiming you would take any chance you could get to go back to your crusty life in pakistan? well i don’t see anyone stopping him - why doesn’t he go? because everyone and their mothers know that the life here is better in almost every single aspect. 

in any case, normally i would just fight with him and get the rant out of my system….but i guess my initial heartbreak delayed my angry reaction. so i had to let it out here.

this rant is simply to let it out of my head. 

i still care deeply for my husband. he’s my kid’s father and he’s a good man. just sometimes he can be a big baby….but then, so can all of us. 

my rant is done. 

love,

-k 

half of the year is a third of the way done! lol

i could have said that in a much more simple way, but where’s the fun in that, right? 

today my peanut is exactly 2 months old (june 10th is when i started this post anyway, but considering it’s 11.41 pm right now, who knows if i’ll finish this before midnight or not….). i can barely believe how crazy quickly time seems to be flying by. the world is moving along despite the mandatory pause we had to have this year.

but the economy has to be re-opened to that people can continue to afford their lives. 

this was my stance from the beginning; yes it’s important to look out for our health and that is of course the primary task, however belittling the state of the economy against human health is also kind of foolish. 

while it was important to stay indoors and stay away from people, a lot of people’s wallets were hurting. and that is no easy pain. if today someone had to shut down their business because of covid, then yes at least their health isn’t at risk from covid, but who knows the type of anxiety they must be facing at home. how will they pay their bills? if they have family that depend on them how will they maintain those responsibilities? if they are on their own, how will they afford basic rent/necessities/mortgage. 

the government is providing a lot of financial aid and while that’s great and all, living on aid is a tough place to be. because the aid is temporary but our situations….who knows?!

what will the new normal be and how will we piece ourselves into it? people who’s livelihoods depended on being in social environments, interacting with people, physical closeness….how will they find ways to continue their careers in this new world. 

because unfortunately, it seems like this is the new normal for a while. we’re going to be living this way for a while to come - at least until the fear that has manifested itself into our brains goes away. or i guess until the vaccine fixes everything, but lets be real the virus is evolving and as per usual their will be people who refuse to get vaccinated thereby continuing the fear of the spread of this virus. 

i wonder if tomorrow we face a world where the coronavirus will be akin to the influenza virus…..just a more severe virus but one that we’re nonetheless forced to live with. one that started with a halt in the world. one that altered a lot of our lives for a long time to come, if not forever. 

looking out to tomorrow is a scary and dark place. nothing is ever certain, but in a past world we could comfort ourselves with our plans and think about how we are seemingly in control of our lives. but then again, we plan, and He plans. and surely He is the best of planners. 

that’s all my nightly ramblings for tonight. there’s a tornado warning (!) in the forecast for tomorrow and the stormy weather (thunder, lightening, torrential downpour, the works!) has already begun. and tonight is the night i did something sort of stupid. i put esa down for a late/last nap in his new crib in his own room. thinking that i would get him after he wakes up a couple hours later and for bedtime we’d still be together (he in his bassinet in our room). but it looks like he’s just gone to bed for the night in his own room and now the weather is making me even more anxious about putting him separate from me! 

and i don’t want to move him because he will 100% wake up if i do. 

urgh urgh urgh urgh. 

the anxiety in me is palpable.

okay now i actually am done. 

much love,

k