they invented girlfriends so you have someone who thinks. ur cool as hell when you do something mid as fuck
I’m gonna post about my Modern Seinfeld George Simps for E-Girls episode again
George: So… You uh, hear about E-girls?
Jerry: E-girls? Are they bringing back AOL?
George: No, no, it’s a new thing. It’s these girls, gorgeous girls, Jerry, and they sing and they dance, show off their bodies.
Jerry: Uh huh, and what kind of cover charge do they have for this, E-girl establishment?
George: It’s not. A strip club, aright? They do this for free, it’s all online.
Jerry: I see.
George: Of course, you could donate to em, then they talk to you, give you all the attention you want.
Jerry says nothing, but gives George a look
George: What was that?
Jerry: I didn’t say anything.
George: No but you gave me a look.
Jerry: Looks are looks, forget it. How much are you giving these e-girls?
George: That’s the beauty of it Jer. These girls don’t discriminate. You give em a buck, you give em fifty bucks, they give you the same amount of attention.
Jerry: Well that’s no way to make a living. Why would anyone even bother spending more than the bare minimum?
George: There’s a perfectly good reason! It’s all about leaving an impression. you throw a few singles and you’re nobody, but if you dump a few hundred bucks every time you watch, then she remembers you. You get her thinking, “Hey there’s the big spender.”
Jerry: Oh, George…
Jerry: George that’s a new low…
George: I’m not the guy spending hundreds!
Jerry: Alright, how much do you spend?
George stammers but doesn’t give an answer
George: It’s not important alright? Look, girls this attractive wouldn’t even dream of giving me this kind of attention normally!
Jerry: And exactly what kind of attention is that?
George: Well they uh…
Jerry: George, what are you spending hundreds of dollars to get girls to do for you?
George: Well they… thank me for my donation. They might say my name, thank me for watching…
Jerry: And that’s IT?
George: You don’t get it! It’s way more exciting than just that!
Jerry: George, you’re spending hundreds of dollars for pleasant conversation! You’re going to a strip club and asking the girls dancing for a handshake and a how-do-you-do!
Kramer abruptly enters
Kramer: Do you guys know any easy way to make some money?
Jerry: Did you try saying good morning to George? He might just give you a grand for that.
all of yall saying that in this situation, kramer would be an e-girl or vtuber catfishing people, you don’t understand a fundamental rule about seinfeld plot structures, and it’s that the b-plots will Never have anything to do with the main plot. While Kramer would become a weirdly popular streamer with an uncomfortably thirsty fanbase (“These parasocial relationships are gonna Kill me Jerry!” “If only you were social enough for that to be true,”), it wouldn’t happen on the same episode that George simps for E-girls. No, in this episode, Kramer’s running a blockbuster out of his apartment, claiming he’s free to use the company name and logo since it doesn’t exist anymore.
The main plot goes that after this initial discussion, Jerry introduces George to his new girlfriend, which leads to George immediately pulling Jerry aside and informing him that she’s the girl he’s been simping for (“No, she told me she was an athlete, a swimmer or something” “Yeah, a lot of swimming she’s doing in a string bikini and A HOT TUB!!”). As the episode progresses, Jerry becomes increasingly weirded out by the idea that she’s an e-girl, leading him to visualizing an imaginary chat when they get intimate with emotes and donations, the whole shebang. After a messy break-up, Jerry realizes he was still totally into her despite it all, and under a fake name, he starts simping for her (“What, she just glossed over that donation! That was five whole dollars! I’ll show her…” “Wow! Thanks for the $200 donation, SupermanJ!” “Yeah, here’s the big spender” *cue bassy outro*)
You need to be proud of all your attributes
[ID: an image of Khan from Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan, whose shirt has a deep neckline revealing the majority of his tits. edited onto this image is a screenshot of a tweet by @/silicone_angel, which reads “I’m not ashamed to say that I have gorgeous breasts and lost my mind years ago”. End ID]
When I was a kid, the “Oh my god, you got so big!” comment from grown-ups used to really annoy me, because it felt broadly infantilising. But now, as an adult myself, I realise it had very little to do with me, and almost everything to do with said grown-up feeling suddenly attacked by the passage of time, yet not wanting to blurt out “shit, fuck, I just pissed away like four years of my life without noticing, then, huh?” in front of an 8-year-old.
I still find it so hilarious how you MUST hate doubles to be a real Dr Coomer kin
“this foreign country is SO homophobic, here’s a list”
- *country that was straight up feudal a century ago and is improving steadily*
- *country that was more liberal at some point but the US backed right wing extremists so they could extract natural resources and set up bases*
- *country where homophobia is a problem specifically because of european missionaries and colonists*
- *list is made by someone from a country where there are hate crimes in their own streets constantly*
I’m convinced that cats clean themselves after eating because they have this image in their head that they must be covered in blood and gore after their successful hunt, but I know by looking at them that all they have are little crumbs on their chin from their kitty crunchies
do you ever get mad when OTHER PEOPLE are stressed or sad? like i’m whatever the evil version of an empath is. stop acting upset around me the emotions are annoying as hell i’m trying to do shit !!!!!!!!! god
middle aged fathers be like
worst insult i’ve ever gotten
taking my brain out of my head and washing it in hot, soapy water
have you tried putting it in rice
in a comical turn of events, i, op of this post, have been a smartphone repair technician for five years and i am going to tell you that that never works like ever. it might turn on again afterward but it’s never the rice that made it happen. the damage is done and it can get worse if you don’t clean the thing properly. if you drop your phone in water, open it up and clean gently w a soft bristled toothbrush and 99% isopropyl alcohol. this has been a psa.
taking my brain out of my head and cleaning it gently with a soft bristled toothbrush and 99% isopropyl alcohol