@thearthick

diary entry 17.12.2020, graphite

Geboren aus der Katastrophe

“수호자” adobe sketch, image of haechi from Korean Minhwa Center, image of yoo gwan soon from Chunansi archive

“아리랑, 아리랑, 아라리요

아리랑 고개를 넘어간다.

나를 버리고 가시는 님은

십리도 못가서 발병 난다.”

“사랑은 돌아오는 거야” adobe sketch, drawing by my beautiful artist friend pun.ski (ig)

“헤어진 연인이 다시 만나는 건, 이미 본 영화를 다시 보는 것과 같대. 근데 누구나 한번쯤은 다시 보고 싶은 영화가 있지 않을까?” (새벽감성)

“다음 생엔 너로 태어나 나를 죽도록 사랑해주고 싶어” (새벽감성)

“Du hast großen Verlust erfahren. Aber Liebe ist eine Energieform und durchdringt alles um uns herum. die Liebe der Luftnomaden für dich hat die Welt nicht verlassen. Sie ist noch in deinem Herzen. Und wird in Form neue Liebe wiedergeboren. Lass den Schmerz weg fließen” (The Last Airbender)

Samsara라는 산스크리트어에 어원을 두고 있는 윤회전생은 불교의 교리 가운데 하나이다. 수레바퀴가 끊임 없이 구르듯이 계속 되는 흐름을 뜻한다. 모든 것은 연결되어 있고 끊임 없이 반복된다.

이와 같은 사상에서 비롯된 회자정리 거자필반은 만남이 있으면 헤어짐이 있는 것은 자연의 이치이고, 헤어진 자는 반드시 돌아온다는 뜻을 가지고 있다. 이렇게 사랑 또한 끊임없이 돌아오는 것이다.

“心; this is the moment you realize something inside you is broken, and it can never be fixed” 

adobe sketch

The title is a quote from Bojack Horseman.

“…because she is beautiful. There she is, a human being, diving into the unknown, and she is wide awake” (Moshfegh, My Year of Rest and Relaxation)

굳세라, 마음 심 (心)

농담-이문재

문득 아름다운 것과 마주쳤을 때

지금 곁에 있으면 얼마나 좋을까 하고

떠오르는 얼굴이 있다면 그대는

사랑하고 있는 것이다

그윽한 풍경이나

제대로 맛을 낸 음식 앞에서

아무도 생각하지 않는 사람

그 사람은 정말 강하거나

아니면 진짜 외로운 사람이다

종소리를 더 멀리 내보내기 위하여

종은 더 아파야 한다

“秀仁;

Beloved, you are my sister,

you are my daughter,

you are my face; you are me.” adobe sketch

The above title which is in italic is a quote from Beloved by Toni Morrison.

仁 is an ancient Chinese root word (hanja) used in Korean, meaning one that is enlightened, and within the dimensions of Confucian philosophy, the following statement can be understood. “Only an enlightened person loves another person.” One may focus on this concept as reinforcing the idea of duty and service to show love. I prefer to reinterpret this message and focus on the root of love. Within Buddhist philosophy, which is also deeply ingrained in Korean culture, everything that happens in our world is seen to have a basis in causality. Therefore, love can also be seen as a causal reaction. 

In Beloved, Sethe learns to show herself the same unconditional love and forgiveness she shows her daughters. In the aftermath of tragedy, we must show ourselves the love that we may show to those beloved by us, despite the extreme difficulty in recognizing that we are worthy of love. 

Toni Morrison also states in The Bluest Eye, “Love is never any better than the lover. Wicked people love wickedly, violent people love violently, weak people love weakly, stupid people love stupidly,” Thus, to love our beloved ones better, we improve ourselves first.

Sometimes it may feel as though hope is lost forever, and that the death of one’s heart has transpired already. Although we cannot turn back time to perfectly right the wrongs, there exists a silver lining; we can reconcile the absence of love for our inner child. After all, as Paul D told Sethe, “You your best thing Sethe, you are.” 

秀仁 (빼어날 수, 어질 인)

어질 인자가 나타내는 사상은 공자의 철학에서 내려왔다. 이가 뜻하는 바는 오로지 “인한 사람만이 다른 사람을 사랑한다”라는 것이다. 구체적으로 표현하자면 유가적인 사상이지만, 나는 다음과 같이 이해하고 싶다. 사랑을 받은 사람만이 다른 사람을 사랑한다. 불교에서는 세상만사는 인과에서 발생된다고 믿는다. 나는 사랑 또한 인과적인 것이라고 믿는다.

토니 모리슨은 The Bluest Eye에서 사랑에 관하여 다음과 같이 적었다. ‘사랑은 사랑하는 이보다 절대 좋을 수가 없다.’ 즉 미운 사람은 밉게 사랑하고, 망측한 자는 망측하게 사랑하고, 인한 사람은 인하게 사랑한다. 나의 가족과 친구들을 더욱 인하게 사랑하기 위해서는 첫번째로 내 자신을 먼저 더욱 사랑스럽게 여겨야 한다.

Beloved이라는 책에서 주인공 Sethe는 딸들에게만 베풀고 자신에게 베풀지 못한 사랑에 대해 깨우치고, 자신을 용서하고 사랑하는 방법을 배운다. 자신을 사랑하는 법을 배우는 것은 사랑이라는 학문에 있어서 가장 어려운 부분이다. 완벽하지 못한 내 자신에게 조건없는 사랑과 용서를 베풀 수 있고, 그 따뜻함을 나눌 줄 아는 사람이 되는 것은 인생에 있어서 가장 큰 과제라고 생각된다. 인한 자가 되는 길은 바로 이것이 아인가 싶다.

“I forgive the world because it has you” adobe sketch

I was inspired by the poem in the drawing called, “nail cutter.” A rough translation is provided in the following.

왕구슬-손톱갂이

누가 내게

“당신은 그를 얼마나 사랑하나요”

하고 묻는다면

나는 외면하며 “손톱만큼요” 라고 할 것이다.

If someone asks me

“How much do you love him?”

I will answer coldly, “as much as this fingernail.”

하지만 돌아서서는

잘라내도 잘라내도 평생 자라나고야 마는

내 손톱을 보고 마음이 저려

펑펑 울지도 모른다

However, turning away

looking at my finger nail, which grows forever

after cutting away again and again,

from my hurting heart

my shoulders may heave as I cry

“Einsamkeit” adobe sketch

When we feel pain, we sometimes seek solitude. At such moments, despite the insurmountable loneliness that may arise from the feeling of powerlessness, we must always remember that we are never alone.

The following is a quote from Winnie the Pooh. “If there ever is a tomorrow when we’re not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is even if we are apart, I will always be with you.”

혼자 슬피 울고 있는 순간마저도 절대 혼자가 아님을 잊지 않기를 - 나에게, 읽는이에게, 되새김이 되기를 하는 바람에 그렸다.

“Untitled” photograph, adobe sketch

“Not an Ashtray” graphite on A4

I was inspired by the scene of a Geisha with a single perfect tear falling from a movie called “Samsara” by Ron Ficke. I was reminded of a university project I did for a creative writing course I took, where I used code from my digital signal processing class on MATLAB to increase noise in an image in accordance with increase in sound of the music. The song in the background is called Glue by the electronic music group, Bicep. The writing is a rework project for the course I took; we used texts which we read during the course to create a new text with our own additions on top of the original writing. I chose “Girl” by Jamaica Kincaid

Hey pretty girl,

Is it true you said these things? Did these things? She is the kind of girl the baker would not let near the bread, they whispered. How chills ran down my spine like a serpent curving the small of my back, by the way you made me hear the word meant for you and only slipping out of strange lips.

But I thought that I had walked the line so well, and I thought that I loved you and you are loved me. Because this is how to behave in front of men that you are interested in. This is how to be sexy but cute, innocent but slutty, a Virgin porn Star, young but experienced, skinny but curvy, to be the slut he is so bent on you becoming.

Yes, just like that. You are perfect, my child. So mature for your age. I knew the rules, recanted the Commandment and did everything by the book. I tried my best but I couldn’t make you feel a thing, and I realized it all only when I left. When you stripped me bear all I could see was that teary eyed slutty virgin baby girl. Now that I have touched you you will never be the same. A fallen baby girl. You are not an innocent. Scathed and forever vulgar.

With that Jack from the Titanic carefree all good and bad grin, you would look down on me. Electricity buzzed all over every time you put your finger on me. Cue the butterflies, the intensity of a million synapses bursting in my limp brain.

In fact I don’t even remember falling in love with you. I just remember looking at you dancing and smoking and running your hands through your hair and feeling so much and realizing how empty my heart would be to never feel that again. There in the dim light of the shitty 80s club we guessed love in each other’s eyes, and we kissed for the first time, maybe for the first time in our lives. The kind of kiss, wherein which you really kiss back because you imagined the curve of their lips brushing up against yours for so long. There I tasted freedom on your tongue, a familiar feeling. It felt like coming home and something new at the same time, like we were never really strangers. And that was the problem. I feel it all over me. But you had to break my back open and ruin me from within. You told them. You told them about the slut that I was bent on becoming, when I was ready to give you everything.

A slut you are bent on becoming since 10 years old. A whore ready for serving on a silver platter. Dirty since the moment I Iaid hands on your virgin baby skin. You are the prized virgin slut. They love you. Don’t you see how desired you are . They all want a taste of you. Can I taste you? Wow, I can’t believe I got to taste you. Since the moment I met you I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t handle you, you’re so hot, you know. I love you.

A lovely slut on a silver platter with a side of party pills for the shadowy figure in the dingy techno club that never learned how to love. I was bursting, bursting all over into a kaleidoscope of emotions, but you seemed fine. So I painted over them with a slab of cement. But my heart seems to keep pumping. I do. I do. I do. I do give a fuck about you, and I always will. And my greatest fear is that I will always have a weak spot for you. Because that first taste of freedom is something else. You can never quite forget the way that people make you feel, and to be honest, I was overwhelmed and scared as hell because I really fell for you. No rose in you, rose to be

The slut you are so bent on becoming. The whore on a silver platter. You are the kind of girl the baker would never let near the bread. The bittersweet taste of you still swirls in my mouth. The lights of the dinghy techno club reaching out to the depths of the dark room, and me clinging to the curve of your body. You told me you love me, but do you know what love is?

When I burned your virgin baby skin you were sleeping, like a pretty fool. But let me tell you, a slut never sleeps.

I can’t stomach it anymore, do you love me? and if so was it worth it? Being the alpha for a minute. When you sold me for status, did it feel good? because I am weightless most days but some days it still knocks the wind out of me. And this is one of those days. The chills are back, and the serpent is making its way back up my spine to my neck.

So let me tell you, I would rather be the kind of girl that the baker would never let near the bread than anything else because I am real, and in my misery and agony I am happier than any pretty fool. So as the virgin slut, let me ask you. If I am no longer innocent because you have touched me, what does that say of your hands that have dirtied me? How dirty are they that one touch could ruin a baby girl?

“On Melancholy Hill” adobe sketch

Visual interpretation of Gorillaz song, “on melancholy hill”

“How to Fly” adobe sketch, stock images

“너와 함께하는 길은 모두 꽃길” photograph, adobe sketch

Title translates to “Every road with you is a flower road.” When wishing someone good luck in Korean, one wills the other to only walk on flower roads. I was inspired to create the drawing by an old favorite poem, which I was introduced to again in the form of an electronic song. I believe there is an eternal sunshine that shines on beautiful moments with loved ones, despite the ephemeral nature of all beauty in life.

사랑하는 사람과 함께하는 순간 하나 하나는 화양연화이며 흔히 말하는 ‘꽃길’이라는 마음을 지니고 그림을 그렸다. 영감을 받게 된 사유는 다음과 같다. 고등학생때 좋아했던 시를 최근에 노래의 형태로 다시 듣게 되었다. 사랑하는 사람과 콜라 한 잔하는 순간 또는 새우깡 사러 집앞 슈퍼에 가는 순간은영원히 따사로운 햇살이 쬐고 있는 우리 머릿속에 담겨 있는 추억의 한 장면일 것이다.

Having a Coke with You by Frank O’Hara

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne

or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona

partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian

partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt

partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches

partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary

it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still

as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it

in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth

between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint

you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look

at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world

except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick

which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together for the first time

and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism

just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or

at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me

and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them

when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank

or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully

as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience

which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I’m telling you about it

“I feel like going home” adobe sketch

Visual interpretation of “I feel like going home” by Yo La Tengo

“Naz” adobe sketch

Naz is an urdu word for the feeling of security and happiness you hold when you feel unconditional love.

Naz란 아낌없이 주는 진정한 사랑을 받고 있을때 느끼는 행복과 안정감을 표현하는 단어이다.

“journal entry 10102020” colored pencil, pen

지은이, X

만일 내가 무언가로 돌아온다면

눈물로 돌아오리라

너의 가슴에서 잉태되고

너의 눈에서 태어나고

너의 뺨에서 살고

너의 입술에서 죽고싶다

눈물처럼

“i love you THIS much” “이만큼이나 사랑해” adobe sketch, image from google search

I was inspired by the song Comet by Younha, a Korean artist who has been popular since I was a child. Ewha students sang this song together for the me too protests while holding purple balloons in support of victims of sexual assault. The lyrics to this seemingly shallow pop love song are strikingly beautiful. A rough translation of the message would be as follows,

“I will become a comet in the night sky for you. I love you and only you forever, and I don’t mind if I burn and disappear as long as I can shine for you.

If you ever grow tired, look up at the night sky, and my love will shine for you”

이화에서 추억을 되새기며 벗들과 함께 미투 시위때 불렀던 노래를 떠올려 봤다. 윤하의 혜성은 어릴 적 즐겨 들었던 기분 좋은 노래로만 생각을 햇었는데, 학우들과 함께 이 노래를 부르며 깊이 있는 가사가 있었음을 깨달았다. 힘겹고 가슴 떨렸던 여러 시위를 함께해온 이화를 기억한다.

어두운 하늘을 날아다니는

저 빛나는 별을 타고서

긴 잠이 든 그대 품으로

날 데려가 줄 수 있다면

밤낮 하늘을 돌고 돌아도

나 그대만 볼 수 있다면

내 달콤한 단잠까지도

다 버리고 날아올라가도 좋아

저 빛을 따라가 혜성이 되어 저 하늘을 날아봐

내 맘을 전하게 그대에게 데려가

별을 내려봐 그대가 보이게 더 빛을 태워봐

언젠가 사라져버린다 해도 내 맘을 줄거야

까만 어둠이 밀려들어서

긴 밤이 또 시작된대도

나 그대만 곁에 있다면

이 밤이 난 무섭지 않아

밤낮 그대를 보고 또 봐도

난 자꾸만 보고 싶어서

내 달콤한 단잠까지도

다 버리고 날아올라가도 좋아

저 빛을 따라가 혜성이 되어 저 하늘을 날아봐

내 맘을 전하게 그대에게 데려가

별을 내려봐 그대가 보이게 더 빛을 태워봐

언젠가 사라져버린다 해도 내 맘을 줄거야

만약 그대가 힘이 들 때 면

밤 하늘을 올려다봐요

나 언제나 그대 보는 곳

그 곳으로 날아올라가고 싶어

저 빛을 따라가 더욱 더 높이 저 하늘을 날아봐

내 맘을 전하게 그대에게 데려가

나를 지켜봐 언제나 영원히 그대만 사랑해

언젠가 사라져버릴지 몰라도 내 마음은

다 알거야 혜성을 보면 내 사랑을 알거야

그대가 어디에 있든 언제나 비춰줄테니까

https://youtu.be/eBCBht6_C4E

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bg6QY-OnevY/?igshid=tzgfkpk0f6f5

“the thought of you

and the thought of you

and the thought of you

and the thought of you” adobe sketch

김광석의 ‘잊어야 한다는 마음으로’에 다음 구절이 있다.

‘이렇게 홀로 누워 천정을 보니

눈앞에 글썽이는 너의 모습’

“우리 작은 섬” Adobe Sketch, Image from pastel records

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fd0aGrFx8vs

Image taken from a beautiful music video of the song, “Epic” by Sentimental Scenery, a Korean indie band. 

센티멘탈 시너리의 epic이란 노래에 대한 뮤직 비디오를 보고 영감을 받아 그린 그림이다.

“Agony” “오매불망” Adobe Sketch

Title inspired by the song, Agony by Yung lean.

너무 많은 것을 느낄 때, 고통의 무게가 견뎌내기 힘들 때 주저 않을 수 밖에 없는 순간을 표현하였다. 세상은 여전히 돌고 있으며, 언젠가는 다시 일어날 것이다. 하지만 이 순간 만큼은 영원처럼 느껴지기도 할 때가 있다. 인간이 느끼는 고통을 빛의 spectrum과 비교 한다면 위 그림은 UV에 해당될 것이다. 2006927

“2,537,000 million light years away” adobe sketch, hubble telescope images of M31

I was inspired by the song, “Light Years” by the National. 

Andromeda (M31) is the closest galaxy to our home galaxy, the milky way. M31 was my favorite galaxy as a child because of this fact when I was younger. It is visible from the Earth from late September to early October and shines in the East and hangs overhead in the middle of the night as it swings towards the West at morning dawn. It is about 2.5 million light years away. 

Andromeda and the Milky way are being pulled by gravity and are hurling towards each other  at 402,000 kph. They are predicted to collide in 600 million years. The two will glance past each other and be pulled towards each other again. The pair will collide and fly apart and collide again and again for eons until finally they morph into a single giant elliptical galaxy. Their compressed gases will ignite and form new constellations to decorate the night sky. 

 I was reminded of the following poem by D.H. Lawrence when I heard the song.

Submergence

When along the pavement,
Palpitating flames of life,
People flicker round me,
I forget my bereavement,
The gap in the great constellation,
The place where a star used to be.

Nay, though the pole-star
Is blown out like a candle,
And all the heavens are wandering in disarray,
Yet when pleiads of people are
Deployed around me, and I see
The street’s long outstretched Milky Way,

When people flicker down the pavement,
I forget my bereavement.

안드로메다 은하는 우리 은하수와 가장 가까운 은하이다. 초등학생때 우주소년단을 참여 하였을 때 다른 은하들을 대단히 흥미 있게 학습하였던 기억이 있다. 우주인을 꿈꾸었던 5학년때의 내 자신은 안드로메다를 탐방하는 첫 인간이 되고 싶었다.

나의 어릴적 꿈이었던 안드로메다 은하와 우리 은하수는 600백만년 후에 중력에 힘에 휩슬려 충돌하여 새로운 은하수를 만들것이라고 예측되고 있다. 2.5만 광년 떨어져 있더라도 언젠가는 충돌할 것이라는 말이고, 생각보다 빠르게 402천만 시간당킬로미터로 서로에게로 휘둘러 진다. 이렇게 연연불망이였던 잃어버리는 것들이 멀게 느껴져도 생각보다 그리 멀지 않지 않는가?

라는 바보스러겝 느껴질지도 모르는 질문을 던져 본다.

“Crack the Shutters” graphite, pen, highlighter

I was initially inspired by the song, “Crack the Shutters” by Snow Patrol many years ago. The idea morphed with another quote by Toni Morrison, “Anything dead coming back to life hurts.” 

흔들리며 피는 꽃

도종환

흔들리지 않고 피는 꽃이 어디 있으랴

이 세상 그 어떤 아름다운 꽃들도

다 흔들리면서 피었나니

흔들리면서 줄기를 곧게 세웠나니

흔들리지 않고 가는 사랑이 어디 있으랴

젖지 않고 피는 꽃이 어디 있으랴

이 세상 그 어떤 빛나는 꽃들도

다 젖으며 젖으며 피었나니

바람과 비에 벚으며 꽃잎 따뜻하게 피웠나니

젖지 않고 가는 삶이 어디 있으랴

“Regenbogen, Kätzchen, Schmetterling” “화양연화”

Adobe Sketch

The title, “Rainbows, kittens, and butterflies” is in honor of a running gag in my group of friends to describe everything that is perfect.

‘무지개, 고양이, 나비’라는 제목을 붙이게 된 이유는 친구들 사이에 화양연화를 묘사하기 위해 사용된 포형이기 때문이다. 사랑의 설레임을 표현하고 싶었다.

From “bitches broken hearts” by billie eilish

“lookalike” adobe sketch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8E63J9eINIE

“I guess when you’re young you just believe there’ll be many people with whom you’ll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times” -a quote from Before Sunset

According East Asian legend, they say the pinkie fingers of soulmates are connected by an invisible red string so that no matter how entangled or far apart they become in life, they always find a way back to each other. 인연. 

너와 같이 벴던 베게

함께 읽던 책에

적현 있던 세계

넌 지금 어디에서 무얼하고 있을까?

-Kebee

…

“덩어리들” a4, ballpoint pen

….

사랑이란 게 원래

시간이 지날수록

설레임보다는

편안함이 자릴 잡나요

설레임이 없는 사랑

편안함만 남은 사랑

도대체 뭐냐고 물어보면

그대여 오늘 내가 말해줄게

그댈 향한 나의 사랑은

말로 표현할 수 없는 사랑

허나 말해줘야 한다면

들어봐요 허어

그녀가 곁에 없다면

그대가 곁에 없다면

코끝이 시려지는 게

그대는 영원한 사람

떨어져 있어도 난 너를

이해하고 믿어주며

영원히 널 닮아가며

너만을 사랑해야지

그댈 향한 나의 사랑은

말로 표현할 수 없는 사랑

허나 말해줘야 한다면

들어봐요 하아

그대가 곁에 없다면

그녀가 곁에 없다면

코끝이 시려지는 게

그대는 영원한 사람

떨어져 있어도 난 너를

이해하고 믿어주며

영원히 널 닮아가며

너만을 사랑해야지

설레임이 없는 사랑

편안함만 남은 사랑

도대체 뭐냐고 물어보면

그대여 오늘 내가 말해줄게

한번밖에 없는 사랑

영원함만 남은 사랑

그대가 뭐냐고 물어보면

그때는 오늘 내가 말해줄게

“Madison, WI” 2014

“White, light, moist” 

the beauty industry in South Korea. 

“Su-in” photoshop express, adobe sketch, adobe stock photos used

rootless diva

“The Only Thing” by Sufjan Stevens

The only thing that keeps me from driving this car Half-light, jack knife into the canyon at night Signs and wonders: Perseus aligned with the skull Slain Medusa, Pegasus alight from us all Do I care if I survive this? Bury the dead where they’re found In a veil of great surprises: I wonder did you love me at all? The only thing that keeps me from cutting my arm Cross hatch, warm bath, Holiday Inn after dark Signs and wonders: water stain writing the wall Daniel’s message, blood of the moon on us all Do I care if I despise this? Nothing else matters, I know In a veil of great disguises: How do I live with your ghost? Should I tear my eyes out now? Everything I see returns to you somehow Should I tear my heart out now? Everything I feel returns to you somehow I want to save you from your sorrow The only reason why I continue at all Faith in reason, I wasted my life playing dumb   Signs and wonders: sea lion caves in the dark Blind faith, God’s grace, nothing else left to impart Do I care if I survive this? Bury the dead where they’re found In a veil of great surprises, hold to my head till I drown Should I tear my eyes out now, before I see too much? Should I tear my arms out now? I want to feel your touch Should I tear my eyes out now? Everything I see returns to you somehow Should I tear my heart out now? Everything I feel returns to you somehow