Unspoken Rules of the Classic Rock Fandom
1. Everyone wants a time machine. Like, more than they want oxygen.
2. Everyone has a crush on a 25-year-old version of a man who’s currently either in his 70’s or dead.
3. There’s gonna be that one song from your favorite band that makes you cry every time at inopportune moments. Just go with it.
4. There can never be enough musical biopics, even if they’re not always the greatest movies.
5. Rockstars, despite being musical geniuses, are often fucking idiots.
6. You can’t surprise older fans anymore because they’ve kinda seen/heard it all. The mudshark incident? The egg burrito thing? David Bowie doing so much coke that he dropped his weight to 95 pounds to avoid having his soul stolen? Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
7. Elton John may not technically be a rockstar, but we’ve all adopted him as one anyway. Fight me.
8. The 60’s had LSD. The 70’s had heroin. The 80’s had cocaine. The 90’s had even more heroin. Today, all we have is tears about missing all the good shows that were played before most of us were born.
9. Please don’t ask about John Entwistle’s mustache. Yeah, that mustache. We don’t know either.
10. Handmade guitars and fat-bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go ‘round, honey.
11. If you say Freddie Mercury’s teeth are ugly, may God have mercy on your poor soul.
12. When we say “The bigger, the better”, we’re talking about 80’s glam rock hairstyles.
13. Everyone has a hand kink. That’s all.
14. Don’t be a bitch to new fans.
15. Vinyl will always be better than an mp3 and live music will always be better than vinyl.
16. Everyone has cried over a low-quality, shitty picture or a blurry, poorly-filmed video of your favorite band at least once.
17. Live Aid Day might as well be a national holiday, except for the Led Zeppelin fandom (sorry, guys).
18. Bassists are the most under appreciated members of every band. Fix this. NOW.
19. Everyone has that one guitar solo that just sorta awakened something in you the first time you heard it and you’ve never been the same since.
20. LEMONS. Also Jack Daniels.