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you don’t really realize that you really actually care about someone until you see them get hurt. today, I realized I really care about someone that has been in my life for over a year. I didn’t recognize it before, I mean I spend at least like 10 hours a week with this guy and must admit I used to think he was this amazing guy but I thought it was just like I never really knew him, he was like someone I talked to a ton but didn’t know much about.
today a girl came in to talk to him. he’s a pretty happy go lucky guy, but when he saw her he turned stone cold. I could see frustration appear when he said the first words to her. this had clearly been someone who had hurt him.
I recollected how I had heard that he had this ex girlfriend that was away at school and she had been messing around with other guys and he found out and I guess they were over with. I put two and two together and figured out this was the girl.
god, the things she said made me so mad. I mean I wasn’t really listening, but at the same time I was kind of checking up on him. I know he didn’t need me for anything because well what was I going to do being a girl 3 years younger and a foot smaller than he…and as far as he knew I had no idea what was going on. but I couldn’t stand to see him like that. I mean like I started getting angry and granted I was uncomfortable not being able to leave the situation I wanted so bad to take his hand and lead him away from this girl.
I didn’t realize I cared so much but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since then. before I left I made sure he was okay, and for once he kind of let me know he wasn’t. it felt okay though because he wasn’t lying and I think he knew I was there to cheer him up and I don’t know.
it just honestly brings me so much hurt thinking about this. earlier he told me he didn’t want to leave me behind so I think that means he cares about me too, we’re like some kind of weird family, bonded by even weirder circumstances and thinking about the people that have made such an impact on my life in my last year, I don’t know what I would do without them. and I really hope they feel the same way.
I once knew this guy that every time he had a girl in his room he had her write something on his bedroom walls. All the girls that had written on his wall were either high on something or drunk and/or had been hooking up with him at the time. It’s so incredible looking back because when I wrote on…
Where I live is a storm.
Everything reflecting the sky,
Only on a rainy day.
I duck my head under the water
And it’s raining now.
Lucky for me,
I love both storms and this city.
look at you,
you’re looking at me.
there’s nothing in this world
i’d rather see
i feel like i’m drowning.
like all this time i’ve been in the water and there’s weights on my ankles and things pulling me down under the water, but i’ve been able to stay above by holding onto good things that keep me afloat and keep me able to breathe and i thought i was almost completely out of the water.
but now, now i’m losing control of everything, everything i’ve been holding onto and everything that is helping me float is slipping through my fingers. and i’m drowning. i can’t see the surface anymore and everything is getting darker and darker and i can’t breathe and i can’t see the light and i’m drowning.
i’ve tried really hard to get where we are
and although the time passed seems short
and i’ve realized that it’s true
all things heal with time
my question is this: is it so wrong to have a friendship that is solely based on distance?
i live in a city where people come and go like the train station. i’ve been here the whole time though. throughout my years i’ve developed close friendships with people who move away and never come back. as i got older i tried to avoid that but sometimes you didn’t know when people would have to go all of the sudden.
so, what i’m in is multiple long-distance friendships. i’m really good at them to be honest. technology is my best friend when it comes to this and i use it wisely. i’ve managed to stay close with these people that have left…until they return.
things change so rapidly so it’s hard when they come back. whether it’s to visit or to live. it’s not like i stop my life when they leave but when they come back it’s assumed that i will make time for them. and i know i really should. i’m just afraid of breaking routine. like why blow off the consisentcies in my life for a one time thing? it’s like these are the people that are here and won’t be leaving me, these are the people that i’ll have around and if they get mad at me and once my long-distance friend leaves what am i left with? nothing.
do you have any idea how terrified i am?
like i’m not even scared i guess. i just cannot imagine doing what i know i’m going to have to do. the idea of college and then life after college seems like a nightmare. and the worst part is it’s a neverending nightmare.
i know i’m not the only one that feels this way. which actually makes it worse sometimes. like feeling alone sucks, but in all seriousness feeling so typical is almost worse.
i want to do something meaningful with my life though. the thought of going to another four years of school, after this hell hole which shouldn’t be as bad as it is…that’s unbelievable.
i can’t see myself doing the ordinary. the suburbia thing. having two perfect little sport playing kids in a nice little house in a small community where my only friends are my kids friends parents. that’s just so damn depressing to me.
i know that not going to college may screw up my life entirely, but to be honest going may screw up my future. i wish i could do something, anything i wanted to do. i will not work in an office job. i need to do something i love because i struggle with happiness as it is. i need to be around different people every day because i’m too used to being around the same people my entire life. and doing that ever again would be absolutely torture.
the worst thing is all the things i think about that i would do if money didn’t matter. it’s not necessarily that i want to be this unselfish, generous, loving, world reknown woman when i grow up, making everyone happy and doing good things for others…no i want to be the opposite almost. i want to be selfish, successful, but most of all: i want to do what will make me happy.
“Looking at him. Just looking from across the room. Us both doing whatever we should be but me sometimes glancing up just to look over him. Examine all his details and just realizing all I really wanted was right in front of me this whole time. And it only takes a matter of seconds for this all to happen, only a matter of seconds before he looks up to look at me too.
Eyes locked. We both don’t know though. So, we smile and look away.”
and in that moment she wanted to feel something. anything really. and actually it wasn’t just in that moment. for a while now she had been wanting to experience some kind of feeling. she wanted to stop feeling so numb all the time.
she was starting to understand why people started to self-harm. no, no she would never purposely hurt herself (well not physically at least). she had been down that road, so close to trying because she thought it would solve all her problems. but she knew it wouldn’t for more than a second. so she never did and swore to herself that she would never even consider it. actually she swore to someone else that she never would too
she had been searching for someone or something to fill that empty gap in her stomach. that part that pained her every so often. and once in a while she would find something or someone…but then whenever it would fail her (as it always did) and she would have to give up on that person or thing as the solution she was filled with something even worse: anger. anger so bad that it made her nauseous. she literally threw up one time it was so bad. she felt so hurt that it actually became physical. so, that painful gap in her stomach became a nauseating one. the gap that she could ignore became intolerably ill.
she wanted to know where she belonged. there were moments when she felt like she did. when she felt happy. but those werent always good moments. they were with people that shouldnt make her happy, doing things that shouldnt make her happy either. she would start to feel okay about herself, building esteem without even noticing and then she would get into the “fuck it why not” mood where she would do things without thinking just because she didnt want to kill her mood and she wanted to keep having this person make her feel happy. and for those few moments, hours, she would feel alright.
but after. thats when it was the worst. she felt like she was stuck in some kind of nightmare. where nothing ever happened and she couldnt get out. nothing could make her happy and she swore she wouldnt do those things again. but would be conflicted because that gave her temporary happiness. so why not try and make that happiness infinite. but she knew she wouldnt be happy if these moments were to be depended on.
so in conclusion, she learned that the things that made her happy couldn’t be depended on.
coming here wasn’t the right thing and she knew it. she thought about this as she lined up the perfect white powder with a postcard. shit. the postcard was supposed to be for her friend back home. if home is even what she would call it.
thinking of her friend and home she thought of what it was like back where she went to school and lived up until about eight months ago…damn it felt like so much longer. she felt longing for her friend. well friends, she had a lot of them. but she didn’t really give a shit about them in complete and total honesty. she hated home too. she hated her family and she hated her school. in general, she hated her life and she was kind of glad to escape.
she guessed under different circumstances this would be some sort of vacation. but she was clinically fucked up. (her words, simplified from the doctor’s essay format explanation for why she was the way she was) and it wasn’t exactly a vacation.
she knew coming here wouldn’t fix anything. she knew that being away from all the problems at home and surrounded by doctors and counselors all the time wouldn’t help at all. it would just make her not have to think or deal with any of the problems. she was smart and she knew that she wasn’t going to stop living the way she lived until she dealt with the actual source and origination of the problem.
she knew why she did the things she did, but as far as she felt like thinking about it there was no way to fix it; therefore no reason to stop living her life the way she did.
she covered one nostril and sucked in deep with the other. here we go. she was on top of the fucking world. she knew what she was doing was so wrong, but she couldn’t find a reason to stop. she had nothing to sacrifice anymore.
and that was the thing with these places, they make you feel so rock-bottom that you almost feel relief that you aren’t as bad as other people; you feel relief when you find out how it feels to be even worse than you were before.
she was by far one of the most normal people at this place. other people had actual serious psychological problems that she didn’t think could be fixed. the reason she was sent there was so much less severe than anyone else’s. being surrounded by people that were so much worse didn’t help. she wanted to see why they were the way they were so she tried the things they tried. and she didn’t see a reason not to.
she looked out the door into the hallway and after making sure it was still clear went under her roommates dresser and found (along with much more illegal things at this place) the little ipod touch. she logged onto the email her roommate and her secretly shared. seeing a new message from her friend, her heart sped then dropped. she didn’t know what to feel, and to be honest she couldn’t really feel anything right now anyway.
she read the email and it she knew she had to get out of this place. staying here wasn’t doing anything anyway.
she knew what she had to do. she mentally made an agenda on how to get the fuck out of this place, she could fake her way. pass all her tests and pretend to be so much better. it would be easy.
she held the ipod touch back up and pressed send for her reply:
“no one can change me”
here’s the thing. i don’t really understand what’s going on right now. like how i should be feeling and stuff you know?
like there’s just some things that you move on from right? but like you can’t really completely forget them or completely accept them? like you have friends…and say that there was a time you really needed them but they weren’t there for you. that’s understandable and all but like…it’s not easy to forgot. and in the back of your mind when you really think about your friendship, and you think about all the fun and great things you guys have done together, the memories will be clouded with that one bad memory.
maybe slowly the cloud will disappear a little bit. and maybe eventually it’ll be gone completely and the dent in your friendship will no longer be visible, that’s great. but maybe you’ll never forget it. because it hurt you that bad.
some things will never be the same again.
i guess i have regrets. i mean who doesnt? you deny that you do and people say dumb shit like “yolo” but no one can do anything but act like they don’t give a shit. everyone gives a shit.
chances are the person you’re thinking about right now is thinking about you. and chances are the situation or conversation you keep reliving in your head is going through someone else’s at the same time. i’ve learned that.
you shouldn’t think back on things too much. and don’t beat yourself up over stupid things you’ve done. yeah, it’s a natural instinct to beat yourself up for things you’ve done in the past - therapy taught me that - saying things like “should’ve done this” or “coulda done that” but you wouldn’t be who you are today if you hadn’t lived every single one on those experiences.
this is something i wrote a while ago and when i reread it i remember to stop beating myself up:
to be honest right now i’m just kind of realizing that i’m happy for everything that has happened to me, all the shit that’s happened to me in the last year. it’s good for me. because its true. if it hadn’t happened now would it ever? where would i be now? i would still be a fucked up, lost and confused, drama obsessed, teenage girl. i’m glad i got fucked over. i mean fuck all you who did it but thank you at the same time. you made me who i am today. and even though i’m lost a lot of the time, i’m happy with myself and proud of who i am.
you know the song promises by nero? i heard it on that commercial last week for those hp laptops and ever since then its been not only constantly stuck in my head but it’s turned into my favorite song.
but i guess that’s kind of irrelevant. the song got me thinking though. i started thinking about promises in life. how promises are so insignificant it starts to hurt. most people who break promises don’t do it because they’re liars, or to hurt people knowing what they’re promising isn’t true. the problem evolves when people start to promise things that really shouldn’t be promised. things such as “i promise it’ll all be okay” sure, you’re saying it to reassure someone, but you have no way of knowing things will be okay, do you?
that got me thinking about all the promises that have been broken in my life. holy shit, there’s been so many: “i promise we’ll be best friends forever”; “i promise i won’t tell anyone”; “i promise i’m telling the truth”; “i promise that didn’t happen”. all broken. all bullshit.
promises are so…meaningless.
i feel like i’m trying so hard to pretend everything’s normal. that everything’s okay but it’s not. like i’m not mad at you. or that things will stay the same forever.
but it’s not working at all because in the back of the mind i am always thinking about how different things are now.
i guess i just can’t completely ignore the feelings i’m having about the whole thing. the thoughts and whatever are fucking with my mind as usual.
so frustrating i can’t start over. but i’m also realizing at this point no matter what i do everything that happened in the past will still have had happened. it’ll help me deal with it i guess. but all the bad feelings about the past will still be there….just easier to ignore.
i’m still going to have lost the people i’ve lost. i’m still going to have made the decisions i’ve made. and the outcome will be the same i guess.
i think now it’s all up to me how i deal with it….or if i make it so i can deal with it.
the thing is i don’t want to just be going through motions anymore, and i don’t want to just be surviving anymore. i want to fucking live and feel things again.
i don’t knowww whatever.
and then you ask yourself “what’s the point” over and over again and you realize your response is that there isn’t one…that’s when something’s gotta change.
if you can’t find a reason to wake up in the mornings or a reason to put effort forth towards anything. when you don’t look forward to anything. and everything is just so sickening to you and you find yourself not caring about things really anymore…something’s gotta change.
you should look forward to seeing people, not dread it. you should want to go out, not stay in. but when you see the same things over and over again. like a fucking continuous loop, well that’s when it’s hard to want to do anything anymore
predictability essentially sucks. it’s good in the sense you won’t ever be taken by surprise but it’s bad because everything becomes so…meaningless.
i’m feeling all of that and i’ve tried everything, there’s nothing to anchor me down anymore so i really think something’s gotta change. i want to get away from here, no reason to stay anyway.
that you can miss someone like that.
it’s so hard to realize how much someone means to you until they’re not really in your life anymore. and it’s not like…i don’t know…it’s not like i’m like omg i miss you so much i need to get you back and all that but it’s like weird thinking that someone that was at one point such a big part of your life isn’t hardly a part of it anymore.
we had so much history. i’ve never really had that type of thing with someone at all. like all the times i’ve fucked you over…multiple times really…you refused to fuck me over when it mattered the most. i’m sorry for that and more than anything i wish i had the nerve to tell you that i apologize so much and thank you more than anything. you were there when no one else was. you understood.
to go back to my lines theory. we were lines that intersected and now we’ve run parallel for a while…slowly but surely growing farther and farther apart.
i miss you and i wish you were still here for me. i took advantage of you always being there and always…needing me. in whatever way it was. i can honestly say you were someone i’ve loved. i mean i wasn’t in love with you or anything. i just genuinely cared for you a lot and…i don’t know.
i’m struggling with words for once and it’s so hard. frustrating. i guess i’m just sad we ended up like this. wish we stayed close forever.
fuck ittt i don’t know what i’m even talking about anymore.
i don’t really think anyone will care…
but i’ve been thinking about why i like writing this type of thing.
i like writing down what i’m thinking i think because i like words so much. words are so…i don’t know descriptive and i’m so fucking good with words. well writing down words that is. i can’t speak things for shit until i’ve written them down
if i didn’t have a way to write down my thoughts before i said them i’d be insane. (well i think i may already be insane but that’s beside the point) i just mean that words sounds so beautiful in my mind.
words can have so many meanings and feelings associated with them and it’s cool, like a puzzle that you have your own words and in a way no one else will ever say them the same way or with the same intent you know?
i don’t know, this is just a rant but i just love words and i think that’s why i want to be a writer or some type of sort. but i want to be a writer that is able to write about things in relation to my thoughts. maybe a philosopher or something or a fiction novelist where people, including myself, become emotionally attached and are able to relate to each character.
aaaalright i’m spitting out words as usual sorrrrrry!
i kept thinking how it’s funny how one thing, or instance, or even one person can make you start to hate the thing you love.
but then i realized, maybe that means you never really loved it at all.
today i got a flashback.
my friend asked me, pondering life i guess, what if life was a hallucination and oxygen was the hallucinatory drug that caused this “dream” we call reality? and once we stop inhaling it we end the trip…essentially what we call “dying”.
i hate thinking about that type of shit. and i hate seeing things about life and the meaning and all that because it scares me so fucking much.
today i realized why i get such a negative feeling and refuse to think any further into the subject when it’s brought up now; when i was younger i used to think about this all the time.
i used to think: what if we aren’t real? what if our whole lives are planned out or this is some kind of movie or game. that we’re being watched every second or we’re some type of action figures or dolls in someone else’s game or characters in a movie or book plot? and someone else has complete control over our lives. or even worse they have it planned out for us and nothing we do is our own actions and nothing we try will change us from our fate.
when i was little i used to stay up for hours and be haunted by these thoughts. my thoughts always destroy me and fate fucking sucks.
so this is a serious rant and if you don’t want to hear me bitch then stop reading nowww. no, kidding keep reading please.
this isn’t to target this specific person, it’s more about people in general i swear. but okay, something that’s really been bothering me a lot lately is this one girl. we used to be pretty close for a while but i just feel like she tries so hard to just, i don’t know, get people to like her i guess.
she gossips so much and has no respect for anyone’s privacy. i used to gossip a shit ton, and to be honest i still gossip i guess. but literally. if ALL you are going to talk to me about is other fucking people’s own personal lives, don’t bother.
you can’t have the foundation of a friendship be talking about other people. and it seems that that is some people only form of friendships. that’s just so fucking immature to me. i like to just think that it means i’m more mature than that and above that level, but really i just think it’s pathetic.
mostly everyone gossips, but not like this.
i’ve become more aware of myself in these past couple months, so if you see a change that’s why. i’m maturing and starting to hold myself back from things and learning what’s good for me and what’s not. i’m taking more responsibility for shit i’ve caused and i’m confrontational. if you’re shady please don’t bother with me.
i don’t know how many of you all have ever experienced this before, but i feel like there’s a point – or maybe even multiple points – in your life when you realize there just needs to be a change.
you need to start doing something different. whether it’s start hanging out with new people and distancing yourself from the old; going out and partying more often; doing more drugs; quitting smoking; or quitting your job it’s a point in your life where you know this one certain thing that has been persistently nagging at you and needs to change.
you may not be able to explain why, or maybe for a while you won’t even be able to identify what, but you know that you need to change something about your life.
i’ve come to that point in my life, and i know i’m only a teenager but i’ve been pretty good at always identifying why things happen and why things are the way they are. so i’ve been able to identify that i need something to change.
i think i need to re-prioritize and define, secure, or end my relationships with certain people. i need a change of routine and scenery.
i guess i’m hoping for the best and the best is that the change will leave me happier.
earlier today my friend and i were talking about tumblr. like how in all honesty 80% of the people on this site are unstable. and i mean it’s true (i mean in my mind, sorry if you disagree i really don’t mean to offend anyone i swear) but yeah it’s true.
tumblr used to be a place i would go for entertainment or to cheer myself up. but now it’s just the opposite. i don’t mean to hate on tumblr, i love it i really do but it’s just starting to change a little bit for me. it brings me down. i see all these things explaining the way i feel and it just makes it worse and worse. if i’m sad, i can end up breaking down just from one little thing i see on here. one stupid gif can make me cry because it’s so fucking relatable to what i’m going through and it makes me have no hope.
i see kids on here that have had depression and self harm or just are so upset – and no, it’s not that i think it’s pathetic or anything and in all honesty i think it’s so fucking noble and brace of them being able to talk about it or express it to the world – but it just makes it worse for me. i guess it used to make me feel better because i was relieved i wasn’t the only one going through the things i was you know?
but now it just makes me think every time i reblog something that “expresses how i feel” it makes me think “what the hell is this going to do for my situation?” it’s not going to make me happier. it’s not going to fix things.
i think maybe it means i’m starting to find myself and be more comfortable realizing that coping by myself and fixing things in my head is what is first and foremost important.
i need to surround myself with people and things that will make me feel better, not bring me down. i need to think happy thoughts and make myself be happier.
overall: i just need to help myself
don’t live your life with the attitude that everyone owes you something.
if you go around thinking everyone owes you you’re gonna hurt not only the ones around you but you’re going to fuck yourself over too.
you’re going to be so disappointed because in reality, no one owes you anything. they owe you fucking nothing. literally nothing.
no matter what, even if you did them a million favors they have zero debt to you. or at least that’s my philosophy. you’re going to get hurt when people don’t “repay” you or act “unworthy” of you (even after you – supposedly – have done so much for them) when you think they should act always on the lesser end of things. you’ll be let down by everyone.
you’ll be hurting everyone else though. and eventually people will get sick of feeling like they owe you something, especially when they don’t, and realize it’s not worth the effort. they’ll give up on trying to please you if you are so incapable of being please, and they’ll eventually give up on repaying you and walking on eggshells around you when they realize nothing will ever be good enough.
the longer you do this, the more you’re fucking yourself over.
i can’t sleep.
and i don’t know if it’s because i don’t really sleep that much during the nights anymore or because of my thoughts.
it’s just like i honestly don’t even bother trying to go to sleep anymore until i absolutely cannot stay awake. because you know those minutes it takes before you fall asleep? the ones where your head is just lying on your pillow and you have nothing to do but just wait until your mind eases and your body tires enough that you slip out of consciousness and fall asleep?
well those minutes are grueling to me. they’re usually hours. because it’s so fucking hard for me to escape my thoughts. my mind doesn’t really ease. it just gives up eventually. that’s how i fall asleep; my mind gives up.
i love sleeping, to be completely honest i do. but i hate trying to sleep because it’s so much effort. i hate when i have nothing to distract myself with. when all the thoughts and emotions and feelings rush into me.
like for example, right now, my head feels so heavy. i want to sleep more than anything…but my head is so fucking heavy. it feels like there’s a gnat or something flying around bumping into the insides of my mind. it’s not until the nasty little bugs wears out when i can sleep.
and it’s just terrible. that i’m starting to ruin almost everything. my mind hates everything. i hate everything and everyone. i just want to get away.
i want to sleep.
and i’m doing it right now. i’m completely destructing myself.
it’s scary as fuck too, how things can change. i don’t know if this sounds cocky or whatever but to be honest i used to consider myself scuh a strong person. i thought i could handle anything. and it’s true, because nothing ever seemed to rattle me.
but the longer i live (not to sound so bullshitty and wise) i’ve become weaker and weaker. i’m so fucking fragile and it scares me. it seems people and experiences i’ve encountered have worn me down and down and i’m left chipped and cracked, at any moment about to fall apart.
the tiniest things can trigger memories. and the memories more than anything is what breaks me down. a name, a place, even a time can make me think of the worst. it can make me remember all the pain i felt relating to that word and it can completely break me down.
and the thought of getting hurt is unfathomable. which is why i, amongst almost any other human being fear rejection. you don’t want to put yourself out there when you know that something so painful can be the outcome.
its hard to be okay with things like this though you know?
i guess i’ve just become more accepting. more accepting that i’m becoming weaker and weaker.
it’s weird to think about things. and to be honest i think that may be the death of me. overthinking. because i mean when i’m with people, surrounding myself, or when i’m even just talking to people constantly, just whatever it is that i’m not technically left alone i’m completely fine.
it’s times when i’m by myself. when i’m given the opportunity to analyze things, to contemplate life that i find myself going insane. i literally start to drive myself crazy. and i think that may be the worst part – to know that i’m the one responsible for this; that i’m doing this to myself.
you’re hurting everyone around you.
i know what it’s like though. what it’s like to know everyone hates you and to think you deserve it.
which is why even though you’re hurting everyone, including me, its hard for me to not feel sorry for you. yeah, i guess i hate you. but i’m so sorry for what is happening to you.
i know you feel alone. i know you’re hurting more than anyone else.