i hate you!
i h a t e you!
don’t touch me!
i’ll kill you!
In longing, you feel heavy. Your desire feels like a burden you’ve been carrying for too long. Your heart is a large weight in your chest, so heavy it brings down your shoulders and puts a bend in your back. You feel like if you were thrown into water, the weight of it would drag you straight to the bottom. It’s as if no matter what you do, you just can’t shake it or let it go. When you let yourself feel it, it’s almost suffocating, you’re drowning in desire, quietly.
You unfocus your eyes and breathe out until the stream of air thins, a pang in your chest follows. The next breath is a sigh. You’ve been so patient, you feel you deserve something. Your yearning pulls and pulls at you but you’ve tried everything, nothing left to do but wait.
Once you’ve accepted this, you push the thoughts away, but the weight is still there. Sometimes you convince yourself you don’t even want what you desire anymore, you just want the weight lifted. But something says don’t give up. You’re too deep in love.
Be strong my dear, stay determined.
In longing, you feel hope. You’re on a long road, you know this. Your desire is strong, big in your chest but you don’t feel weighed down. You’ve had your hardships, but you know what you truly seek is, or could be, not far from your grasp. Not to say you don’t feel the burning in your heart for something more, but theres still a spark in you, a voice that says, “don’t give up, what if?” You can be patient. You know you must be.
Your yearning is felt like a campfire in rain, the circumstances say the flame should be out, but yet it burns, as long as god willing or sheer effort keeps it alive. You feel the pull in your gut that makes your throat tighten with the ache of your heart but you softly smile, it’s just a reminder of your love. You aren’t afraid of your feelings in the way that would make you push them away because you’re familiar with them and you know the payoff would be well worth the grief.
You’re doing great my darling, you will find your love if you have not already.
tagged by: im thief
need some lavender oil?
“I don’t really do the whole ‘aromatherapy’ thing… oh, did you mean, using it like a lotion or something? I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try.”
“I don’t want to be awake, but here I am… awake.”
Lucy tucks a cherry red feather behind his ear. "Glad t'see someone is wakin' up." She kisses his cheek.
“Mm?” They blink owlishly as she tucks the feather behind their ear, before abruptly remembering something and opening one of their newspapers. Inside the pages is a golden feather.
“Here.” Alfendi does the same for her with it. “And, we’re doing our best. Hopefully we’ll be back to normal soon.” A kiss between the eyes, as a gentle tease.
He waits to see if you’re going to say anything else, but since you don’t add anything right away, you end up losing his interest.
“I wish we’d have a heavy rainstorm… no thunder, just rain. I’m suddenly in the mood for it.”
… He wakes up abruptly from his spot on the couch.
“I missed ya!” She scrunches her face when he kisses her brow. “Yer lookin’ tired. Do ya want t’ ‘ust relax?”
“Yes, I’d like that.” What is this exhaustion that’s plaguing him? It feels almost like it’s infused his very being. “Sorry about not being around…”
“Alfendi!” He gets a big hug and four kisses. The love is almost literally radiating off of her!
“Aaaa.” A tired yell that doesn’t quite have heart in it, but it’s nice… being greeted like this. Al rubs at his eyes, trying to wipe away the fatigue in them. “You’re energetic as always, heh.”
Even if he doesn’t have much energy in him, the inspector bends down somewhat to give her a kiss on the brow.
“… You know what? If we’re going to talk about something that crass this early in the day, I’m just going to collapse back into bed and continue to lose all hope in the lot of you. I hate this place.”
“I’ve been getting over a bout of listlessness. And I doubt I want to know what happened in my absence. Probably the same shit as ever, eh?”
“Really, Dr. Freeman? Even a man of your extraordinary intellect calling Chuck E. Cheese a restaurant?”
⇲ RP blog for the HLVRAI depiction of Gordon Freeman. Heavily divorced from Half-Life, no need of prior knowledge to interact! ↺ / ♡ if you want to spend time with a depressed former Black Mesa employee. ⇱
(hey, sorry i haven’t been around. i took a little break from things and then i had a breakdown and… i just needed some time. i’m going to come back to alfendi, promise. i’m not losing his muse or leaving him. i’m just not doing great right now.)
(if i get any wellwishes or encouragement, i’m probably not going to respond, because i’m not in a great spot to do that right now. sorry.)
hey, al, fendi... do you want some macaroni and cheese?
“We don’t eat anything we don’t see prepared in front of us, just as a reminder. … Thanks.”
She soaks in his presence. She loves him. That hasn’t changed. She still feels. That is Enough.
“Maybe it’s ‘ust all my love f’r you warmin’ me up!” She gets up on her tip toes to kiss his cheek. “But I ‘ave also been wearin’ my jacket all day, an’ It is pretty ‘ot out.”
“Hah… if you say so.” They hold no suspicion so far, and hopefully will not for some time. Alfendi bends down to give her a better time of it, and returns the cheek kiss with one on her forehead. “True, that is true.”
They are calm, and contented, and soothed.