Read on AO3 | Dean’s letters | playlist | art tag | support me on ko-fi
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I’ve pondered for a long time, wondering if a letter would be the good way to do this, but after all this time and all the letters you’ve written to me- even if you didn’t intend for me to read them in the first place- I think it’s pretty fitting for us. As an act of transparency, I want to let you know that you’re sleeping next to me as I write, and you look beautiful. You always do. Sometimes it’s infuriating.
There is so much I want to say to you. So many words that I tend to keep down my throat, swallowing them because they’re still too hard to say. I don’t know how to speak to you the way I want to, the way I know you deserve. So I’m going to try and write them down, I think I can manage to at least do that for you. Bear with me, okay?
Some nights I can’t stop thinking about the stars- how anyone can see so much light and still call it darkness. I’m also struck by the notion that to look upwards is to look into the past- that the light takes so long to reach that we’re seeing them as they were, and not as they are.
Sometimes when I look at you, I still see the broken boy from Westdale Road. I still see the kid I fell in love with. And then I’m struck by the differences in the man you’ve become, and my heart misses a beat at the sight. The stars might be an image of lost time but you’re an image of time to come; a sight into what we’ve managed to become, together. My own kind of little miracle.
Love, in all the forms you might find it, can be messy and complicated. It holds an ability to sit in the deepest parts of your soul and ache, and even the air you breathe becomes a weight to be carried.
But there is one thing I know for sure, when it comes to love: it’s worth it.
I have been lucky enough to know love in many different ways, and all of these forms have found a way to carve themselves into my bones. Every single one of them has been worth the heartache, worth the splinters between my ribs and the weight on my shoulders.
I once thought I would never love anyone again, and that was how I coped with yearning for you. But life is too short to live without love, and every now and again you get to come across a person who reminds you that it’s never been about the ending. It’s only ever been about learning to appreciate the story. If you find someone who makes you smile through the telling, then they are worth whatever finality may come.
My point is- Dean Winchester, you’re my most beautiful story. You’re the air that I breathe, the sun on my face and the love that I kept coming back to endlessly. The stars above us might be the stars from yesterday already, but when I look at you sleeping next to me right now, I know it’s you. I know it’s us. With all our broken pieces and our soft edges, with all our love and our flaws.
I remember the last letter you wrote to me, and your last line was a plea to “Keep you where the light is”. So this is me, keeping you with me.
And I want this, Dean, I do.
I hope you do, too.
You’re the love of my life, and I never want to let you go.
Will you marry me?
Chapter 20 of Patient Love is now up!