I was scared of losing you but what was there to lose?
Toddlers are so pure. She doesn’t understand that we help her with certain things because she’s little. She thinks that everyone just helps each other like that. So she tries to blow on my food and cut it up for me and tries to help me put on my shoes.
i was giving little wagon rides to a baby around the backyard one day and all of a sudden she hops off and slaps the seat of the wagon telling me to get on because it was my turn and i was like no it’s ok im too heavy and she was like NO ITS UR TURN and kept tugging on my hand so i would sit down. eventually i got on and it was just a little 2 year old trying so hard to push me around on a wagon not understanding why it wouldn’t budge but still so determined to let me have my turn lol
I don’t think I’d realised how many casual compliments we pay to our toddler until she started casually complimenting us back, because experience has taught her that’s How Social Interaction Is Done, and there’s nothing quite like a very earnest three-year-old solemnly and sincerely informing you that you look wonderful and smell nice to make you feel really good about yourself
I tell her she’s my best girl. She tells me I’m her best auntie. Then we both feel good about the world!
Teach them kindness.
I’m scared. I’m scared because you made me feel alive in such a sort amount of time. I’m scared because maybe it is all in my head and that spark isn’t there. I’m scared because what if I get attached and you don’t want this anymore. I’m scared because what if we fall in love and separate for reasons beyond our control. I’m scared because I’m anxious about the unknown.
- the people you have yet to meet and love
- sunsets and sunrises
- stray dogs
- cats who fall asleep in your lap
- lava lamps
- the shitty cookies they sell in the cafeteria
- getting to know a happier you
- cutting your own bangs
- dyeing your hair
- empty libraries
- seeing movies with your friends
- rereading your favorite books
- meeting the love of your life
- riding home while the rain pours
- nighttime car rides
- learning to love yourself
- dogs who pull at their leashes to say hi
- the smell of freshly baked pastries
- ferris wheels
- getting your eyeliner right
- staying up with your best friend
when i was depressed those “reasons not to kill yourself” lists never helped.. maybe they do for some people but for me they actually made me feel worse. it was like….here’s a reminder that there are all these things other people find joy in that you can’t. with a sprinkle of guilt because “your family/friends will miss you.”
what i needed to hear, and so what i’ll tell any of you reading this who are in the same situation, was: a lot of people recover from mental illness and go on to live full lives. it’s quite likely that with treatment, a time will come when you won’t want to die anymore and you’ll find joy in everyday life. yes, you. stay alive for that possibility.
Happiness looks like
- Christmas lights down your whole street
- Late night talks with siblings
- The most beautiful colors all over the sky before it goes black
- Friends in a circle on the beach
- The first rain of the season
- Family all gathered around one table
Happiness feels like
- A sore stomach from laughing too hard
- Everything is complete again
- A hot shower after a long day
- Hugging your mom after a hard day
- Eating down a large bowl of sundae
Happiness sounds like
- Ocean waves hitting the sand
- Screaming songs with your friends in the car
- Uncontrollable laughter
- That first ‘I love you’
- Raging storms
Happiness doesn’t need to come from other people. Your happiness does not depend on anyone except yourself. Find the happy in every day, even in the little things.
it’s such a trivial problem / to want someone so badly / and be unable to have them / it’s such a small thing / next to the exploding stars / and the colliding galaxies / and the way her skin slides against yours / like worlds brushing by each other /
it’s such a trivial problem / to want you / and be unable to say so / but somehow it still hurts / somehow i am still a planet which is imploding within / somehow i am still a falling star which burns on the way down / somehow i am still a black hole devouring the way your hand brushes against mine /
it’s such a trivial problem / to want someone so badly / to want you / and to be unable to say it out loud /
Oh hell yeah this includes folks who like black. Go off you funky little goths.
People who actively love one color are actually adorable. That person who buys bright yellow shirts all the time because she loves yellow? The person who has a whole blog just for pink items? Like it’s so adorable.
this isn’t all that there is!!! there are sunsets you haven’t seen, people you haven’t met, things you haven’t learned, food you haven’t tried, and places you haven’t visited. life is so much more than what you’re experiencing right now, and there will always be new things coming. there’s so much more out there for you!!
I have a big heart.
I see the best in people even when I shouldn’t.
When they’ve given me every reason not to.
But I trust too easily and I fall too quick and maybe that’s my downfall.
But maybe that’s what makes me kind,
Maybe that’s the best in me.
every morning i wake up & get my coffee & i recite in my head this excerpt from ‘invitation,’ by mary oliver: “it is a serious thing just to be alive on this fresh morning in the broken world.” & i just say it over & over again until it sticks to my mind for the rest of the day. it is a serious thing. i am alive. i am so lucky. this fresh morning i get the chance to live again & again & again
This means making sure I eat more than once a day, working on just lunch and maybe that’ll evolve to breakfast too.
This means taking care of my skin, staying hydrated, having an intense hair routine (that makes me happy)
This means doing and finding things that I love just for my own enjoyment. So far that’s been painting, music, concerts. I’m pushing myself to figure out what I love and to do them on my own. It’s a stage of finding who I truly am and while it’s scary, it’s so fulfilling.
This means making time for my friends and the people who mean the most to me. They’re who I need to draw my happiness from but also from within.
That’s what I struggle with the most: how do I make myself happy. How does my inner happiness and love push me to be better? How do I come to accept who I am and love me for me? How do I become happy alone?
It’s the moments 2 AM that you realize you’re not okay and it’s the moments at 2 AM that you think and your mind wanders but it’s the moments at 2 AM that make you stronger.
There are waves of missing you, some days I don’t think about it but others it’s the only thing I can think about. Days when I’m overwhelmed and just want to go back, those are the worst days. I would give anything to have a conversation with you again because I can’t remember any of our old ones. As I sit here and look at your picture, I wonder what you would say. What did we talk about? Did we talk? Yet somehow I have an overwhelming feeling of missing you. Just your presence. Your laugh. The way you answered the phone. But our conversations? How can I miss something I can’t even remember? Or maybe that’s the thing. Maybe I want to have deeper conversations with you and I don’t even have the chance anymore. Some days I’m fine, but some days I just want to be your stinkpot again.