Ayyyy, it’s done!
… but I still can’t draw hands XD
Ayyyy, it’s done!
… but I still can’t draw hands XD
حياتي واقفة تماماً بقالها فترة وبجد مش عارفة أرجعها تاني تمشي ومش عارفة أعمل ايه بس الوضع stressful جداً 😓
مفيش أي حاجة من اللي كنت بعملها حاسة ليها أي معنى كمان ومش عايزة أرجع أعمل حاجة فيهم ولما بفكر طب أنا عايزة أعمل ايه دلوقتي بلاقي إني حقيقي مبقتش عارفة. مبقتش عارفة أنا عايزة ايه ولا بقيت لاقية أي شغف تجاه أي حاجة ولا حتى طايقة إني أعمل أي حاجة.
المشكلة الأكبر إنها مش فترة وهتعدي لإني بقالي كده شهور طويلة جداً! أنا ممكن أكون داخلة على سنة على الحال ده ☹️
so, i opened a new one, just to tell.
so, what i absolutely had to tell you is that we were happy this month. we talked and learned and built as usual. but i wanted to tell you that we went to the waterfall near my house one day and it was so so nice all day, just being with her and near nature and being gay together, so so nice. but that day was kinda fucked up because i man showed up alone holding a kitchen knive in the middle of the forest so we got our things and left and he followed us to our car. scary as fuck. but then we bought brot and went to cafe com proposito and had a great day overall, even if we were indeed chased to our car with a knive.
after that we went to a real proper waterfall before my birthday to celebrate and it was so so perfect. that day was perfect. literally unbelievable. it was a paradise. i wish i was a painter so i could paint that day. her, wearing her blue robe and sleeping in the rock and i, with my pink bikini, eating fruits and chocolates in the rock while blue butterflies fly around us. no one around, just pure bliss. us, making out in the rock and holding each other tight. honestly. one of those days that make the entire life worth it. i think we didnt took a single picture. nothing. i made a moodboard to capture it. i want to tell you so you can begin to understand the pure pure happiness and peace and love of those moments. the nature, the ice cold waterfall and river, the fruits and chocolates, and best company, the realization that we are free human beings and that it was me that built that, with anna, with someone i love, not because she an angel and the only one, but realizing how good life can be with someone when both want that. we talking about how she wants to build a life where feeling like that was not the exception, but routine. i didnt even knew that was a concept. we talking about our futures and how lucky we are to have had this time together. one of those moments that it is hard to forget. one of those moments i just wanted to keep in a jar and never let go. always be there. press pause. time is restless. it comes and it keeps coming. unfortunetely. sometimes.
and then i had my birthday, i spent it here, in my house, with my parents, but it was a good day. anna gave me a cat mug and the coolest pins, i loved it. the next day i went to her house and we watched my 15th birthday video, it was very cool. she wrote me a letter on the day before and gave me as well, i cried to muc reading. before i left that day, i wrote her a little letter too, i will write another, but i wrote her one that day. i will post a picture of both here.
hers to me
mine to her
and then, i spent 2 nights sleeping at her house. i cant believe i didnt told you this before, it is a sin. it was so good. i went there on thursday evening and left before her shift on saturday. it was again peaceful and lovely and calm and homely. it was so nice going to sleep and waking up with her and doing normal life stuff with her. i always loved domesticity with her. watching movies. eating good af food. trying to sleep. going to the supermarket. it was truly special.
on the following monday it was the last day we had for ourselves, before aron got there on tuesday. it was sad and emotional and we talked about the meaning of our relationship and how much we loved each other and would miss the presence of the other. i also gave her the gift i was planning for so long, the 3 framed pictures of her colorfull walls. she cried so much. i knew it was special for her. and she knew i knew the meaning of the walls and of a gift like that.
on tuesday aron arrived and we started to wash and clean and paint and un-anna-fy the apartment for her to leave. it has been a tough process. but it has been a nice week to be honest. a difficult and emotional and sad week, but nicer than i was expecting. i had a great talk with aron yesterday about relationships and expectations and society and boxes that dont lead to happiness and male vs female view of relationships and how building differentely is hard but better. so its good. it has been hard but good. i cried in the car i think on wednesday before leaving her house for 2 hours. after the first hour she came down and we talked and cried for another hour. about how it was okay to feel and okay to not feel and how i shouldnt hide in the car or try to control my feelings and how she was there for me. it was a nice thing. i think i am starting to be more open to understanding what i need and to feel things. i have been crying today all day. it has not been an easy day. i already told you that part. i dont think i told you that after she did sleep and i was going out aron hugged me and we talked a bit and i cried even more and it was weird crying in front of him, but i couldnt stop. he understood. he is a nice man it seems. i hope moving in with him is good for her. i love that woman so so much.
another thing. twice this month i went out with the girls, paula, mari and nat, and it was so fun and so nice and i felt so good and accepted, so yeah. i am trying to streighten my other relationships that i like. life is hard.
i love anna and we had some great great times this month and ll the months prior and i am super sad that she is moving to curitba but we talked a lot and we think we will find a way to remain in each others life.
i still haven’t written about the other days, i might do it today. i just wanted to write again. today was my last date with anna. aron is here all week, but she asked to spend the night with me. i was super sad as day and crying and emotional and stuff. she was sad also, but mostly anxious and very scared. she is uprooting her whole life to start a new one and she is so scared, so so scared. curitiba makes her scared because of her family and how they treat her and how she behaves when she is there. she is really scared of that. but she is also very scared of moving in with aron, way more than i thought she would be. she always wanted this, has been dreaming and planning this for years adnd years. but now she is scared, she doesnt know what will happen if that is not the right choice or if he is not the right person. she said she is not happy about moving. that she wanted to press pause on her life. me too. i too wish we could press pause. she also said she is afraid of losing me. we ended up going to her apartment and just talking and crying in her bed, with aron in the living room. and then i just stayed with her until she fell asleep. i had a lot of time to think there. i thought about how the present moment is always, or almost always, so strong and powerful. and how each day and each person and each thing and each space feels different. how memories and plans are part of the present but don’t have the weight the present has. i was laying there thinking aout how that room has always felt so good and safe. how that room was lie one of those places where i felt like i was in bubble, detached from the world. in a good way. that room always felt like a place of happiness and peace and company and goodness. i always almost got in an anxiety loop while i was there today, thinking that i dont think i had a secret recording of any of our private conversations. i sometimes do that. i think i have that of my friends. not sure. i have that of my family. i made one of my grandmother in a sunday lunch once, her telling her story, talking to me. that is a special thing i have. but i dont think i secretly recorded my conversations with anna and i was anxious about that. but really? we dont have pictures of our best dates or any recording of our amazing sex life and all the pleasure that was, we dont have anyway to put in a little jar the feelings that we felt and the changes we went throught together. even if i had a 2 minute recording of out talks it would be nothing near the hours and hours that we talked every single day, how much we shared and built and learned and opened ourselves. there is no way to immortalize the best of life. we dont have even shaky pictures of many many of our dates because we forgot our phones most of the times. we talked about everything. we laughed and cried and felt anxious and happy and scared and unsure and excited and alive so many times together. so so many times. we are in each others lives for 2 years now and every single day i saw her was a choice i made. i lived with her every single one of those days my the principle of our first date that was “i will be myself and hope i like spending time with her” and i did. i kept coming back because i did like the time we spend together. our relationship became more deep and more adult and more responsible, but i kept coming back because each time my life got better. there is no way to record that. i tried to write here as much as possible with as much detail as i could in the moment. but i dont think i could ever really use words that describe the feeling of her skin against mine and the totalpeace and excitement of doing a tray of little foods and watching a movie together. there is no way to describe the feeling of peace that talking about atheism with her brought to my heart. i can not describe to you how much she cared when she spoke, how she is always apologizing and saying she will be selfish but how every time she speaks she tried to make sure the person she is speaking to is ok and understanding and not feeling attacked or judged. how even when we had that horrible week she taught me to handle conflict with care and understand and openess and desire to solve and problem and respect for the other person. i can not tell you or explain in a meaninful way what it means to me to be seem by her. i was (before her) seem and judged and then seem and not judged (with the nice friends i made) but she saw me and loved me and were happy to be able to see me. i was not only acceptance. she always radically wants me to show her the real me. i am pingponging between past and present in my speech here. that is because this is a weird situation. we are both so sad that we will be apart but none of us wants to step out of the others life. i want and plan to keep as much in touch as possible. in 3 years, she will be at my graduation. the bond we have is very very real. these last 2 years were a rare and beautiful thing. i could write all night and not be able to tell you or her how much this means to me, how much being in a relationship with her means to me. right now i am sad. right now i am less sad or maybe less tearful than i was the rest of the day. but that is the other thing that gets me. I know i will be ok and happy and live my life in beautiful ways. one of the gifts of this relationship. the knowledge that i can and actually know how to have a relationship that does not replaced my sense of self. i am sad for us and happy for me for have had lived all the times together intensely and for right now to be living the sadness and loneliness and the uncertainty. i wanted (and want to) live my life fully, to live life fully. to love and to hurt and to cry and to commit and to change and to grow fully. i have one human life and humans lives are so so complicated and can have so much confusion and hurt and i am so proud of me, of us, for building an actual good life. i am proud. i am proud i did not lose myself. that i am feeling more myself and more alive and more human and more independent and more confident at the end of this relationship than ever before. i feel like i became an adult in those 2 years. in the best way. i am sad right now. that is okay. i decided i want to learn this thing called human emotions and human life and human possibilities. so i will be sad and cry now. and i was afraid and in love and happy before. and i will be again. all the emotions. i will be myself all my life. i had the great pleasure of being myself by her side. i can still write more. i want to tell you about the days past. it is day 22 of november. and you dont know the things we did. lets go.
Well, it’s a wip…
… and I can’t draw hands :’)
Ninguna cantidad de tiempo con ella podría ser demasiado o suficiente. Por eso es inexplicable que con quince minutos de verla mi corazón explote tanto de amor y alegría como lo hace ahora.
I don’t know about you guys but everytime Taylor does somenthing suspicious I always make the day that we are in plus 13 SOOO something has to happen on the 5th of December
This fabric was so painful to work with. But I’m glad I found the perfect sewing machine settings and needle combination in the end, because this is such an improvement! The original length was just super awkward. Now it’s actually wearable. Just a little sad that I won’t be able to add embroidery as planned. This fabric is just way too annoying. I’m so sorry for all the poor souls, that had to sew hundreds of these.
Day 528: I still hate Stephen Lyons
At the end of the day are Allah subhana wa ta'aala and the people upon His Path the only real friends you have in life.
My sister made a tiktok video saying her fav musics in each taylor swift album and I got shocked by her folklore favorite song. It’s seven. I was expecting Exile or August but it’s seven.