I miss Youngjae
I miss Youngjae
It’d be nice.
If I knew when I made friendships, I knew they wouldn’t last.
If I knew when I fell in love, I might fall out of it too.
If I knew that when I feel sad, it might not just go away.
If I knew that to feel happy, I’d have to fight for ever minute of joy.
If I knew that when I screw up, sometimes you can’t fix it.
If I knew that I can’t run from my faults, I have to face them and own them.
I wish I knew all of this before I had to figure it out. And I wish it didn’t take so long for me to. I feel like other people get this, all of this, before they’re 19.
But I’ve got it. Bits of it. And I’m gonna see where this takes me.
I feel like most people easily forget how changeable and variable life can be. Apart from nature itself, there’s literally nothing that have to be in a certain way of existent. Honestly, do whatever the fuck you want.
You will always be my destination, my home, my whole heart.
I love to love you.
If I were a hummus, I’d be classic and factually correct
A Little Unrequited Goes Quite A Way
a self reflection.
I’m not so much fond of romance, but to tell you the truth, I’ve always been interested in romance.
It was the school fair and I’ve just begun resuming my classes after 10 unforgettable days working as an intern at a hospital. I see him, with his lean frame, fair complexion, unruly hair and dull eyes. My heart doesn’t skip a beat but my mind’s lock with an image of him.
He doesn’t notice me right away, but I always do. Everytime I see him, his smile becomes wider. What could be the reason why? I wonder.
He notices me later on, when we have rehearsals for the school play. He taps on my shoulder and holds a hand for a Hi-5. It’s these little things I appreciate. These very little things.
I am case of unrequited feelings. I confessed to him last December through letters I wrote on different dates. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I love him but what I feel runs very deeply, very genuine. We’re friends, and I’m relieved and glad to say, we’re still friends now but my heart would not let it go even if my mind tells me to let it be.
Of course, my mind governs my body, but sometimes, the heart makes silent punchesto the unkept wounds.
He has feelings for someone else— a beautiful classmate of mine, very talented in dancing. She has this bright personality that makes everyone love her. I envy her sometimes, not because she has his affections, but rather everyone seems to love her. I’m very unloveable, very un-unique, very uncute, very boring. I am part of that trope who is shy, quiet and a pushover for most of the time. The only time I’m not afraid of being myself is with him, and with two other friends I have left in the world. With him, together we’d stare at guitars on display for hours, imagining we could play them someday, talk about the most weirdest topics, lay down our problems, complain about school works and chores, talk and recommend music— he was into screamo and punk rock, I was into classic and psychedelic rock, find that casual platonic comfort and affection. But whenever I see him and her walking home together, my heart hammers against my poor ribs for a second before my brain tells me to just feel numb about it.
Think of what conversations they would have, I bet it’s far more interesting.
Think of the potential they have, I think they’re very much compatible.
Think of the happiness this brings him, I might just be a nuance even though he says I’m not.
Then, think of the hurt it has brought me. I shed tears once, when he told me that he had a crush on her. Everybody does. It’s no surprise that he did too.
Suddenly, there is this insecurity eating me slowly inside. “Hello, anxiety, welcome back”. “Depression will come a little later though, it’s always a bit late, maybe stuck in traffic somewhere inside your head.”
Honestly, I’m sick of feeling this way. It is the fourth time I got rejected in my lifetime (by different guys, of course) and repeatedly, I remind myself to stop falling for people who are obviously out of my reach. It’s tiresome. I have not given myself hope that I’ll be requited, it’s best not to. I even laughed when he rejected me (even though, my body felt very cold). However, being turned down because he’s either in love with someone else or he simply doesn’t like you is actually one of the worse feelings.
So, it’s the school fair. I see him from our classroom window, buying a snack from the school grounds. He strikes out from the crowd of strangers. Smiling, having fun, looking like an idiot that he is. I think it’s only me who sees him the way I do. His dull eyes reflected longing for returned affections from my beautiful classmate… maybe she might give them in later time, after a few more walks home. A part of me was hoping he would stay unrequited too but another part of me wishes for his happiness. I’m his friend, and friends support each other. He deserves it.
I see him as him, not some fantastical, brooding Prince Charming. I have to give credit to myself that I have not fallen too hard just yet.
half a dozen corvids
Do you ever just have the urge to turn off your headlights while driving at night just to see what it’s like?
“I finally realized I wasn’t his first choice, I wasn’t his person like he was mine. And I never would be.”
It took me so long to gather the courage to open up to you. I was beyond terrified. I poured my heart out to you. Just for you to shrug it off. Knowing I’m fucking falling apart. I knew I should’ve never said a damn word and got my hopes up like that. I feel stupid for thinking you’d actually listen to me for once.
ia: not 2 be horny on main but I wanna be loved 🤷🏻♀️
Right. At this point I really don’t know if the noises I hear from time to time at night are indeed some really f*cking weird meowing of wandering stray cats or actually the lady living upstairs coming on strong from some self love. 🤔 Scary.
Sometimes, there is this emptiness inside of me. It’s like my chest will cave in or collapse in on itself.
I’m fucking everything up
The romantic in me dies a little each day
Yeah, seeing Danny preform is gonna probably make me cry. But you know what will make me go apeshit???? Actually meeting Oingo Boingo fans in real life….like…image that….
Everything is going to shit right in front of me, and I’m so fucking drained from the hurt I’m constantly feeling, that I’m just sitting there letting it all fall apart. I’m tired. So tired. I just want it all to stop. I give up. You win.
You’re right, I’m worthless. I’m nothing but a burden. I’m annoying. I’m a waste of space. I don’t have a place here. I’m a lost cause.
I always told myself I’d fight the demons in my head no matter what… but I’m done. I’m done fighting. I’m not going to end my life or hurt myself. I just give up. I’m lifeless. I can’t do it anymore. I’m drained. I’m broken. I’m tired. So, I give up on trying to convince my own fucking mind that I’m worth something and have a place on this fucking planet. You win. I don’t care about my own existence anymore. Whatever happens, happens. I’m just existing, because I don’t want to be selfish. I’m going to make sure that the people I love, have the person I needed when I was fighting so fucking hard to love myself again. So they never have to feel this way, at least not alone.
I just want to know what it’s like to feel like I’m worth something. My mind screams at me every fucking day that I’m a burden. It’s destroying me. Everyone thinks I’m okay, because I truly feel like a burden so I hide my thoughts from people. Because I feel like it’ll just add more stress to their lives or I’m going to sound like I want attention. I don’t want to be a bother. I don’t want attention. Just someone to tell me I’m not as worthless as I feel… I feel so invisible. I’m pulling away from everyone because I just sit there when I’m around them and think I’m just annoying them. That I’m ruining everything. I’m terrified to even fucking speak for the fear I’m going to ruin something, upset someone, or look fucking stupid. So yes. I give up. You win. I’m going to be as invisible as I feel. I won’t be a bother anymore. I promise.
I never knew heartbreak, until I met you.
You broke it and in doing so, I realised that I had never once felt in my life, before that moment, like I wasn’t going to be okay.
Every sadness I had ever experienced pales in comparison.
I realised that the statement I made of “losing you scares me more than death”, held more truth to it than I ever could’ve imagined.
How much power, one person can hold.
Now I am truly petrified.