I wish I could fall asleep as easily as I fall in love.
I wish I could fall asleep as easily as I fall in love.
I have always lived in a unhealthy environment (mentally). Constant fights and my birth dad being a total dickhead to us for no apparent reason and blaming it all on us. Just a pure psychopath. It always affected me and I pretended It never did, even I fell for that sometimes thinking I didn’t truly care but deep down it affected me deeply until I ended up with a serious mental illness, endless anxiety attacks and an endless flow of suicidal thoughts.
These past 3 days were literal hell because of him, although he is almost 60 but he just never stops his yelling and screaming for hours continuously and taking into consideration that my mental health has been deteriorating lately, these days made it worst for me.
But finally for the first time ever in my entire life I was able to come over this, I’m still sad, I’m still bummed about it, and my head is still foggy and racing and my heart isn’t still at a steady pace but I FINALLY fought it.
I’m finally not letting it drown me like everytime but instead I got out of bed, took my meds(which I usually skip as a form of selfharm), I made myself warm drinks to heal my sore throat, I’m distracting myself by listening to music I love, I read a few pages of my book and at this moment I’m continuing the online courses I signed up to.
It may seem like nothing or simple stuff to others but to me this is a huge progress. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME EVER I DIDN’T LET NEGATIVITY DROWN ME. I’m saying this with tears in my eyes although I rarely cry but this is the first time ever I told myself not to quit. I’m fighting those thoughts and I truly appreciate those tinie tiny achievements because great achievements come from small ones.
- excerpt from a love letter never to be written
“Visualise to realise”
- The Gem Collection by Joseph T. Bismark
D: wait it’s kinda liek christmas. but instead of giving presents to ppl. u give flags to gravestones. or is that memorial day cause dead ppl. then isn’t memorial day liek the day of the dead. i thought the day of the dead was cinco de mayo. but apparently it’s not. cause day of the dead was this month. cause i remember john saying it wasn’t a holiday. and elisa asked me if it was. and it is a holiday cause there day of the dead music. coco the movie had music in it. and the movie of day of the dead themed. so basically the music from the movie is just the music for day of the dead. this is why thanksgiving isn’t a holiday. cause there’s no thanksgiving music. there christmas music. so that’s a holiday. and halloween music. so that’s a holiday. but there’s no thanksgiving music so that’s not a holiday. thanksgiving is stupid. it’s a day where we eat food. that’s everyday. we stuff our faces w turkey, which is dry. and then pass out cause turkey makes u sleepy. then the next morning, go out a buy a shit load of stuff, and if u go to walmart, u gonna go to the hospital cause walmart shoppers r rabid. speaking of rabib. we should go on a field trip to china next june 2020 and go to the lychee and dog meat festival. it’s a 10 day thing and they eat 10000-15000 dogs. the government says they only killl rabid dogs but that’s not true. everyone knows they steal dogs from ppls home and eat the homeless dogs. there’s reports bout it. it’s very inhuman. but anyway we should go. the festival is also associated w lychee for some reasons. idk why. but lychees nice. not dog meat tho. kids don’t eat dogs. but why r ppl getting mad over eating dog meat. it’s the same w eating beef. like if cows were pets we would be mad. and dogs were cows we wouldn’t be getting upset. what if there was a dog cow hybrid. a dow or cog.
E: Interesting. If I may add on to that, Halloween is not an actual holiday. We give it so much hype that we think that it is. Thanksgiving is an actual holiday. We just don’t acknowledge it because Christmas is right around the corner. Usually on a holiday we get off of school, but not on Halloween. We don’t have school on Columbus Day/Indigenous Peoples Day, but we also don’t have any music for that day. In reality, a holiday does not depend on whether or not it has music, it only depends on what the government chooses to respect as a holiday. It is the sad truth.
El: also, holidays are a social construct made by the capitalist society to get money from us. before the 1900s holidays were just something you spent with your family in your house and like you don’t buy shit for it, but then corporations were like “ oh we can make money by exploiting people” and so they had marketing campaigns saying that you were a bad gf/bf if you didn’t get your s/o a card, or you were a bad parent if you didn’t get your kids gifts, and our capitalist government followed along and gave us the days off, so nothing is truly a holiday
i think im gonna have a heart attack
I’m scared. I’m scared because you made me feel alive in such a sort amount of time. I’m scared because maybe it is all in my head and that spark isn’t there. I’m scared because what if I get attached and you don’t want this anymore. I’m scared because what if we fall in love and separate for reasons beyond our control. I’m scared because I’m anxious about the unknown.
Memories feel like a horror shows
The type wear some kinky girl in hot pink 95% spandex undies blindfolds herself and does tricks
Sounds more like a magic show right?
It always does until the end
Why is it always 2am when I feel super inspired to write or have a great fanfic im into and yet I will now get like 5 hrs sleep
…I have work in 4 hours why am I like this?…
2am cigarettes aren’t the same without you.
Marinette, seconds away from crashing out of her caffeine high at like, 4am: So I guess you could say Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn are… Homo-cidal.
Tim, pausing refilling her coffee cup:…y'know what–
Dick kicking down the entrance to the batcave: MARINETTE BAT-PAIN-CHENG YOU ARENT ALLOWED UP PAST 2AM ANYMORE
Why Can’t I Breath Again? I must need a prescription refill.
I have a big heart.
I see the best in people even when I shouldn’t.
When they’ve given me every reason not to.
But I trust too easily and I fall too quick and maybe that’s my downfall.
But maybe that’s what makes me kind,
Maybe that’s the best in me.
This means making sure I eat more than once a day, working on just lunch and maybe that’ll evolve to breakfast too.
This means taking care of my skin, staying hydrated, having an intense hair routine (that makes me happy)
This means doing and finding things that I love just for my own enjoyment. So far that’s been painting, music, concerts. I’m pushing myself to figure out what I love and to do them on my own. It’s a stage of finding who I truly am and while it’s scary, it’s so fulfilling.
This means making time for my friends and the people who mean the most to me. They’re who I need to draw my happiness from but also from within.
That’s what I struggle with the most: how do I make myself happy. How does my inner happiness and love push me to be better? How do I come to accept who I am and love me for me? How do I become happy alone?
It’s the moments 2 AM that you realize you’re not okay and it’s the moments at 2 AM that you think and your mind wanders but it’s the moments at 2 AM that make you stronger.
Is for the poets who can’t sleep
because their minds are alive with words
for someone who’s not there.
For the alcoholics drinking themselves
into amnesia to forget someone who left.
2am is not for the lovers
Asleep in each others arms.
It’s for the lonely, the ones
who are in love with the loved
but are not loved in return.
if i get better,
what would i have to write about then?
would i write about the sun?
how it shines through your hair and casts an angelic halo upon your freckled skin?
would i write about the ocean?
how i see it’s impossible depths in your beautiful dark eyes?
would i write of euphoria?
how every inch of my body feels like a live wire when you touch me?
how boring it would be to get better,
i am fine right here,
i am fine right here in my brokenness,
all the best writers were broken you know.