A Little Unrequited Goes Quite A Way
a self reflection.
I’m not so much fond of romance, but to tell you the truth, I’ve always been interested in romance.
It was the school fair and I’ve just begun resuming my classes after 10 unforgettable days working as an intern at a hospital. I see him, with his lean frame, fair complexion, unruly hair and dull eyes. My heart doesn’t skip a beat but my mind’s lock with an image of him.
He doesn’t notice me right away, but I always do. Everytime I see him, his smile becomes wider. What could be the reason why? I wonder.
He notices me later on, when we have rehearsals for the school play. He taps on my shoulder and holds a hand for a Hi-5. It’s these little things I appreciate. These very little things.
I am case of unrequited feelings. I confessed to him last December through letters I wrote on different dates. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I love him but what I feel runs very deeply, very genuine. We’re friends, and I’m relieved and glad to say, we’re still friends now but my heart would not let it go even if my mind tells me to let it be.
Of course, my mind governs my body, but sometimes, the heart makes silent punchesto the unkept wounds.
He has feelings for someone else— a beautiful classmate of mine, very talented in dancing. She has this bright personality that makes everyone love her. I envy her sometimes, not because she has his affections, but rather everyone seems to love her. I’m very unloveable, very un-unique, very uncute, very boring. I am part of that trope who is shy, quiet and a pushover for most of the time. The only time I’m not afraid of being myself is with him, and with two other friends I have left in the world. With him, together we’d stare at guitars on display for hours, imagining we could play them someday, talk about the most weirdest topics, lay down our problems, complain about school works and chores, talk and recommend music— he was into screamo and punk rock, I was into classic and psychedelic rock, find that casual platonic comfort and affection. But whenever I see him and her walking home together, my heart hammers against my poor ribs for a second before my brain tells me to just feel numb about it.
Think of what conversations they would have, I bet it’s far more interesting.
Think of the potential they have, I think they’re very much compatible.
Think of the happiness this brings him, I might just be a nuance even though he says I’m not.
Then, think of the hurt it has brought me. I shed tears once, when he told me that he had a crush on her. Everybody does. It’s no surprise that he did too.
Suddenly, there is this insecurity eating me slowly inside. “Hello, anxiety, welcome back”. “Depression will come a little later though, it’s always a bit late, maybe stuck in traffic somewhere inside your head.”
Honestly, I’m sick of feeling this way. It is the fourth time I got rejected in my lifetime (by different guys, of course) and repeatedly, I remind myself to stop falling for people who are obviously out of my reach. It’s tiresome. I have not given myself hope that I’ll be requited, it’s best not to. I even laughed when he rejected me (even though, my body felt very cold). However, being turned down because he’s either in love with someone else or he simply doesn’t like you is actually one of the worse feelings.
So, it’s the school fair. I see him from our classroom window, buying a snack from the school grounds. He strikes out from the crowd of strangers. Smiling, having fun, looking like an idiot that he is. I think it’s only me who sees him the way I do. His dull eyes reflected longing for returned affections from my beautiful classmate… maybe she might give them in later time, after a few more walks home. A part of me was hoping he would stay unrequited too but another part of me wishes for his happiness. I’m his friend, and friends support each other. He deserves it.
I see him as him, not some fantastical, brooding Prince Charming. I have to give credit to myself that I have not fallen too hard just yet.