#911fic Tumblr posts

  • buddienights
    04.12.2021 - 5 hours ago
    Stage Four Eddie Diaz and this art by @like-the-rest-of-la fried my brain ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (and Buck’s). Someday I’ll write a fic for this account on something besides my phone and will know how many words it is going in.
    Rated E for “exceptionally inappropriate use of a club bathroom”

    “Oh, sorry to hear that, Buckaroo,” Hen says.

    “Yeah, thanks, Hen,” Buck says, a little rote. He should be feeling something about this but he just…isn’t. Except maybe relief, but he doesn’t want to unpack that.

    “What did Eddie say?” she asks.

    “I mean, I texted him last night,” Buck says, lacing up his other boot. “He got kinda weird about it?”

    Like Eddie hasn’t been weird for the past eight months.

    “Weird how?” Hen asks.

    Buck shrugs and finishes the buttons on his shirt. “Where is he anyway?”

    “Sorry I’m running behind this morning,” Eddie says, running into the locker room and dropping his bag on the bench.

    “Speak of the devil,” Hen says.

    “Thought my ears were burning,” Eddie replies with a warm smile in her direction before he goes to pull off his shirt and grab his uniform. He glances over at Buck while he does and it’s the first good look Buck’s gotten at him since he’s shown up.

    Buck misses a button.

    “How are you?” Eddie asks, eyes warm and full of concern and not weird at all, except for the — except for the hair.

    Which is weird.

    Which is fucking hot.

    “I’m—” Buck starts and then realises what he’s done with his buttons.

    While he starts trying to fix the problem, Eddie continues, “We should all go out tomorrow night. Take your mind off things. There’s this club Karen’s been wanting to go to. We could make it a thing. The four of us.”

    “Uh, ye—yeah, sure,” Buck says, still trying not to stare at Eddie’s new haircut. He wants to put his hands in it. He wants to put his hands in it and he wants to pull on it to see if the strands are as silky and soft as they look and then he wants to—

    “Hen?” Eddie asks. He’s opted for a short sleeved uniform today and Buck thinks the dry cleaners must’ve done something to it because it’s tight around his biceps, more so than usual, and that’s—

    “Uh, yeah, I’ll ask Karen about it,” Hen says, blinking back surprise. “Maybe my mom can look after the boys for a sleepover.”

    “Sounds great,” Eddie says, and then claps Buck on the shoulder and leaves the locker room.

    For a beat, Buck and Hen stare after him in equal confusion.

    “I see what you mean about weird,” Hen says.

    “Uh huh,” Buck replies which is about as close as he can get to coherency.

    “The only clubs my wife knows are gay bars,” she adds.

    “Well, at least no women will hit on me,” Buck says.

    “Uh huh,” Hen agrees, and through the glass of the locker room, they watch Eddie soft-shoe through some pre-shift chores, looking almost like he’s whistling to himself. “We gonna be concerned about your best friend just asking us on a double date to a gay bar?”

    “We’re not gonna think about it for now,” Buck replies.

    Hen nods and they’re saved by the bell.

    ~*~*~*~*~

    Buck spends most of the next day sleeping. Their shift had been busy, and he’d been distracted by Eddie’s haircut and good mood. It wasn’t good enough to be infectious, because it was so strange, but it was undeniable.

    At the end of the shift he’d made plans to drop Christopher and his truck off at Hen’s and then the three of them could share a Lyft to the club. Buck, on account of already living closer than the others, was on his own for transit.

    And so Buck sleeps, and then he showers, and he tries to do something interesting with his hair but it’s the wrong cut for him to really do anything.

    Instead he just tries to find decent clothes. Half of his wardrobe — the stuff that makes him look decent at least — he keeps hearing Taylor’s voice in the back of his head telling him it makes him look hot, and he’s gonna have to go shopping. He’s going to have to replace his entire closet.

    He winds up with a snug black shirt and jeans and decides to call it good. It’s not like he’s going to pick someone up. He’s just going to have a nice time with friends.

    The others beat him to the place and when he gets there, Buck lets the throbbing pulse of the music and the swirling purple and pink and blue lights over the dance floor just completely overwhelm his senses and drag him out of his head. While he heads to the bar to get a drink and a better vantage point, the lights cycle through to oranges and white to go with the pink, and by the time he reaches the bar, they’ve cycled again to the full rainbow.

    Buck reaches the bar and smiles awkwardly when the bartender visibly checks him out. At basically any other point in his life, Buck would simply be flattered. But right now he’s…

    “What can I get you, handsome?” the bartender asks.

    “What IPAs do you have?” Buck asks since he can’t quite make out the stained menu on the bar.

    “You made it!”

    Eddie’s voice comes from behind him, almost a shout to be heard over the music.

    Buck turns to greet him and promptly loses control of his legs and has to drop to the nearest barstool to keep from falling down entirely.

    Because it’s not just Eddie’s hair.

    And it’s not just the bright smile he’s aiming in Buck’s direction.

    And it’s not just the eyeliner smudged underneath his eyes.

    And it’s not just the black mesh shirt that shows off Eddie’s formidable musculature or his chest hair.

    And it’s not just the leather pants Eddie is wearing.

    It’s the combination of all of those things and Buck’s pretty sure he’s gonna have to collect his bottle of beer from the bartender and stick it between his legs to get himself to calm the fuck down.

    Eddie says something to him then, but with the combination of the music and Buck’s entirely unreasonable response to Eddie’s outfit, Buck doesn’t pick up a single word. Eddie notices, rolls his eyes fondly, has a quick exchange with the bartender, and then leans up close and personal into Buck’s space. Clasps a hand on his shoulder. Leans in to put his mouth right beside Buck’s ear. Basically presses Buck’s face into the intoxicating warmth of his chest.

    “I was worried you were gonna play hooky,” Eddie says in Buck’s ear, lips close enough to brush softly against the shell.

    Buck’s only saving grace is that the same loud atmosphere that necessitates this closeness also covers the embarrassing whimper that comes out of his mouth.

    “Ha, nope,” Buck says.

    Eddie squeezes his shoulder, thumb gently stroking over the muscle at the side of his neck, and smiles when he leans back. He collects their beers from the bartender and beckons Buck along towards a table where Hen and Karen are snuggled up together. Buck watches him go for a second, unable to make his eyes move away from Eddie entirely, and incapable of picking whether to focus on the shifting of his back muscles under the mesh shirt or the gratuitous way the leather pants cling to his ass.

    He only remembers to stand up and follow when Eddie pauses to look over his shoulder at Buck in confusion. He’s glad, when he gets to the table, that Hen seems as stunned by Eddie’s transformation as he is. Maybe not with the same result, but while Eddie and Karen chat about something — wildly, Buck is pretty sure they’re talking about PTA stuff — Hen joins him in slack-faced staring.

    “So, this isn’t a question I’ve ever thought to ask you before,” she says, leaning into Buck’s side of the booth. “But you seem…comfortable in a gay bar for a straight man.”

    Buck lifts an eyebrow at her. “Like half the stories I told you guys when I was a probie about the people I hooked up with were about men.”

    He says it a little louder than he means to — honestly just trying to be heard over the music — but there’s a definite pause in Eddie and Karen’s conversation. Neither of them turn to look, but Buck is pretty sure Eddie goes a little pink.

    Which, serves him right.

    “Oh,” Hen says. “Never mind then.”

    She takes a sip of her drink, some kind of house speciality based on a cosmo as far as Buck’s lapsed mixology certification can determine, and then adds quietly, “So you are in love with Eddie, right?”

    “That’s what your end question was?” Buck asks.

    The mesh shirt shows off all of Eddie’s arms and whenever he lifts his bottle to take a drink, the muscles there flex just a little, and leaves Buck incomparably parched.

    “Yeah, I just thought I was gonna have to talk you through a minor sexuality crisis first,” Hen replies.

    “Not since I was a senior in high school,” Buck assures her.

    Eddie lifts his arm again, muscles coiling and shifting beautifully.

    Buck sulkily fellates his beer in response.

    “We should dance,” Karen announces.

    Eddie’s up and out of the booth almost as soon as she says it, pausing by the end of the table to polish off his drink. Karen copies him, as does Hen. Buck stays right where he is.

    “You coming?” Eddie asks him, eyes bright and — and hopeful?

    “I’m — you don’t want to see me dance, man, trust me,” Buck says. Which is true, but the truer truth is that he doesn’t know if he’s going to be fully capable of keeping his hands to himself. Not when they’re both single now and Eddie keeps looking at him like that while also looking like that.

    “Buck,” Eddie says, fondly exasperated. “The point of coming out here tonight is to cheer you up, not so you can nope in a booth.”

    “I’m cheery,” Buck says, forcing a smile. Eddie raises an eyebrow, unconvinced. “Promise. Go have fun.”

    Eddie looks like he might argue a bit more but Hen and Karen pull him along to the dance floor. Buck stays when you he is, just watching. Hen and Karen look like they’re having a great time, and Eddie proves to be an exceptional shimmier.

    Buck really doesn’t have any intention of dancing with them. Not until some guy dances up to Eddie, getting his hands all over the mesh covering Eddie’s torso, and breathing his introductions into Eddie’s ear. Buck’s stomach churns.

    And then Eddie catches his eye, pointedly.

    It occurs to Buck after he’s already moving that there’s no way Eddie would actually need saving in this situation. The guy’s flirty by way of being handsy but he’s not threatening. Buck can tell that even from afar.

    But he only has these moments of clarity when he’s already in the process of plastering himself along Eddie’s back and smoothing his palms possessively over the flat planes of Eddie’s abs to fix on his hips and pull him close. It’s the closest he’s been to Eddie since— and fuck but he never wants to let go.

    Eddie snakes his arm up around Buck’s shoulders and scratches at the short hair at the nape of his neck.

    “Hey, baby, sorry I left you out here alone,” Buck says, loudly enough for the guy hitting on Eddie to hear him.

    He’s pretty sure Eddie laughs, and the guy takes a second to look wistfully disappointed before smiling and shaking his head.

    “Didn’t mean to intrude,” he assures them.

    “No hard feelings,” Eddie promises. He keeps scratching his fingers at Buck’s hair, soothing and electric all at once. “Got him to come dance with me, so, thank you.”

    “Happy to help,” the guy says. He looks them over again and Buck tries not to glare. “And thank you for your public service of, like, looking like that.”

    Despite himself, Buck laughs, as does Eddie, and the guy dances off.

    “Sorry,” Buck says, starting to pull his hands away from Eddie.

    But Eddie just twists in his arms and stays pressed to him. “For which part?”

    “I — I don’t remember,” Buck says, not entirely able to form full thoughts on account of the way they’re now swaying to the beat.

    “The only thing that you should be sorry for is the fact you weren’t gonna dance with me,” Eddie says. He winds an arm around Buck’s neck and scratches at his scalp again. It makes Buck want to purr.

    “Okay, seriously, what’s gotten into you?” Buck asks.

    Eddie’s bright, flirty expression dims and he sighs — not that Buck can hear him over the music. He unwinds his arm from Buck’s shoulder and steps back out of his grasp. Before Buck can do more than look confused, Eddie snags a finger through one of his belt loops and tugs him away from the dance floor towards the relative quiet of the mens room.

    “So?” Buck asks. “What’s going on?”

    “I got tired,” Eddie says. He considers and then scrapes a hand over his face, slightly smudging his eyeliner. Because Eddie’s wearing eyeliner and that’s an image Buck’s just gonna file away for later. “No, I got so damn exhausted.”

    “Exhausted from what?” Buck asks, concerned. “Are you not sleeping well? Is Chris having nightmares again?”

    Eddie laughs, a bit forced and involuntary. “God, you don’t even hear yourself do you?”

    “What?”

    “You’re — you’re so sweet and you care so much,” Eddie says, and he’s not meeting Buck’s eye. “No, Chris is fine and I’m…sleeping as well as I ever do. I got exhausted from trying to pretend that I’m — that I’m not who I am.”

    Buck frowns, scanning the outfit and the hair and, honestly, their location. “And this is…you?”

    Eddie’s laugh is a little less forced this time. “No, this is a drastic overcorrection. I’m just so tired of pretending I’m not…”

    He gestures widely at the room around them and then sighs and runs a hand through his new hair. “I don’t know.”

    “Is there like a general topic section because I could maybe try and guess?” Buck suggests. “If that helps.”

    “Yeah, okay,” Eddie says. “General topic of things I’ve been pretending to myself about is you.”

    Buck blinks. “Me?”

    “Yeah,” Eddie says. He scrapes his fingers through his hair again and now it’s standing on end and god Buck wants to touch it. “You. And the way I’ve been trying to pretend for years now that the way I feel about you is a normal way to feel platonically about your best friend, but I’m so fucking in love with you I don’t know what to do with myself sometimes.”

    Love.

    Eddie is in love with him.

    Not in a platonic friend way.

    In love.

    It feels like a warm click in his chest that’s a flintlock against kindling, not hollow and cold.

    “And I don’t know, I thought maybe, maybe I’d get a haircut and wear the world’s stupidest shirt and change the status quo enough that maybe you’d see me now,” Eddie continues.

    “I always see you,” Buck says when he realises he needs to speak.

    “I know, I just meant as more,” Eddie says.

    Buck takes a step closer to him. “No, I — Eddie, I always see you that way. I just thought—”

    I thought you were straight, for one.

    I thought you didn’t feel the same.

    I thought…

    “Ah, fuck it,” Buck says and cups Eddie’s face in his hands.

    When his lips meet Eddie’s, the kindling that’s started in his chest ignites. A good, warm and long-burning fire.

    The kiss doesn’t last long and they part only far enough to rest their foreheads against each other.

    “So,” Eddie starts.

    “I love you too,” Buck says. “I mean, you knew that part, I mean I’m in love with you too.”

    “Thank god,” Eddie replies and cups the back of Buck’s neck to pull him into another kiss.

    This one doesn’t end quickly and it doesn’t stay chaste. Buck traces the seam of Eddie’s lips with his tongue and is quickly met with Eddie’s in response. He runs his hands over Eddie’s shoulders and down the long muscles of his back, slips them under the hem of his shirt to rest comfortably on the bare skin of his lower back.

    “I know you said this is a stupid shirt,” Buck mumbles against Eddie’s mouth. “But I really, really like it.”

    “Yeah?” Eddie asks, kissing the corner of Buck’s mouth and then along his jaw. “I think I’d like it better on you.”

    “That’s fine, I can wear the shirt as long as you keep the leather pants,” Buck says, and dares to slide his hands down to get a good grasp on Eddie’s ass.

    Eddie groans against his neck and steers Buck into one of the stalls, fumbling for the lock. Buck helps him with it and then gets his hands back on Eddie’s ass, pressing them together at the hips.

    It’d be embarrassing to have to go back into the club this hard.

    If only there were things they could do about it.

    “I have a suggestion,” Buck says, rolling his hips against Eddie’s while Eddie shoves his hands under Buck’s shirt.

    “Yeah?” Eddie asks, leaning far enough from him to pull Buck’s shirt over his head. He takes a moment to hang it on the hook on the back of the stall door, which is both sweet and conscientious of him and then Buck can’t think full words because Eddie’s tracing the tattoos on Buck’s chest with his tongue. In an organised enough way that it seems like something he’s been thinking about and planning for a while now.

    “One I think you’re gonna like,” Buck says, pulling Eddie’s shirt off for him as well. It’s only fair and he wants to get his mouth on Eddie’s chest too.

    “What is it?” Eddie asks and then interrupts his answer to kiss him again.

    Buck lets himself dissolve into Eddie’s mouth for a moment and then clears his throat. “We get off quick, and then make our excuses to Hen and Karen and go home and do it right.”

    Eddie nods and runs his hands across Buck’s torso like he’s mapping it and reaches for the button on his jeans. As he undoes it, he says, “And then you stay the night and forget to ever go back to your apartment right?”

    “Something like that,” Buck says, reluctantly pulling his hands away from their new favourite resting place and undoing Eddie’s pants too.

    He loves that by “home” Eddie understood he meant Eddie’s house.

    “Good,” Eddie says. He reaches his hand into the front of Buck’s jeans to draw him out and Buck has to bite down hard on his bottom lip to keep his reaction quiet. Eddie gently — too gently — runs his hand over the length of Buck’s dick, almost like he’s measuring. The soft, “Jesus Christ, Buck,” he utters at the end of his examination is punctuated with a very sticky kiss.

    Buck finally gets his own hand into Eddie’s pants and it’s certainly not like Eddie’s anything to scoff at. Buck strokes him a little harder than Eddie had and gets a sharp exhale into his mouth.

    “I just realised,” Buck says. With his free hand, he pulls Eddie closer and now it’d only take a quick adjustment for them to rut up against each other.

    “Hm?” Eddie asks, nibbling down Buck’s neck.

    “We never actually had that dick measuring competition,” Buck says.

    Eddie snorts out a laugh and rests his forehead against Buck’s collarbone to look down. The back of his head is blocking Buck’s own view.

    Eddie swallows a second later and looks back up. “I think it comes out to just working better together.”

    Buck nods in agreement and kisses him again. They can do a more thorough investigation back home if they want.

    For the time being, he presses Eddie close enough to get a hand around both of them and groans when Eddie follows suit. The feel of Eddie’s cock sliding beside his, wrapped in both their hands, is one of the better things he’d had the pleasure to experience.

    Between Eddie’s hand, and his cock, and the feel of the muscle under Buck’s hand flexing and unflexing, and the headiness of I’m in love with you, it doesn’t take long for Buck to finish, spilling over both of them. Eddie moans against his bare chest and follows.

    It takes them a moment of heavy breathing to untangle their hands, and then longer to be willing to separate enough to reach for cleanup stuff.

    In the lull time, Buck kisses along Eddie’s jaw and his neck and revels in the feel of his skin.

    “I love you so much,” Eddie says.

    “I love you so much also,” Buck says, and finally reaches for the tissue.

    When they’re clean enough to pass public inspection for as long as it takes to get home, Eddie hands Buck a shirt and pulls on his own. They’re all the way back to the dance floor to find Hen and Karen before Buck realises what Eddie’s done.

    “We’re gonna head out for the night,” Eddie says to Karen when they find them in their booth with fresh drinks flashing smitten eyes at each other.

    “Okay!” Karen says.

    “Nice shirt, Buck,” Hen says.

    Eddie smirks and Buck glances down at the mesh covering his own torso.

    “Thanks, Hen,” Buck says. “We’ll see you at work.”

    “Hopefully, I’ll see—” she gestures at his mostly naked chest. “—less of you.”

    Buck nods, and then has to laugh, and is grateful when Eddie pulls him away, fingers tangled through Buck’s.

    Hen and Karen’s giggles follow them until they’re lost in the noise of the club.

    #buddienights writes#buddie#buddie fic#911fic#nsft #nothing kinky or unusual #just love confessions and hooking up in a club bathroom
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  • lesbianbuck
    04.12.2021 - 9 hours ago

    strings attached by sirencalls explicit ♡ 7.7k ♡ buddie

    “A bonus?” Buck laughs incredulously. “You consider orgasming during sex a bonus?”
    “Not during sex, during a scene,” Eddie laughs back, seeming a little embarrassed. For a guy as repressed as Eddie, Buck isn’t surprised this stuff is hard for him to say when they’re not in the moment. “Those are two different things. I’ve been failing to teach you proper BDSM etiquette if you can’t make that distinction.”
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  • rewritetheending
    03.12.2021 - 12 hours ago

    a stolen kiss, a follow-up to it wasn’t enough (also on AO3)

    They haven’t talked since that night.

    Well, they’ve talked, of course. They’ve been on shift together and nothing about their communication on calls or at the station has changed – Eddie has steadfastly ignored the looks from Hen and Bobby that would suggest otherwise – and he doesn’t think they’ve gone out of their way to avoid each other outside of work. Hell, Buck even texted him to ask about a Christmas gift he wants to get for Christopher and Eddie responded in a very normal amount of time with very normal words.

    So, they’ve talked since that night. They just haven’t talked because Eddie isn’t convinced he can open his mouth without his heart falling out.

    There have been a few times in the past week when Eddie’s wondered if maybe the whole thing was a dream, a delusion brought on by hope and exhaustion and a craving for hot cocoa. And maybe that would make the memory of their conversation better or worse or easier or the most difficult thing in the world, but none of it matters in the few moments Eddie catches that look in Buck’s eyes again, the same one he’d had as Eddie had cradled the side of his head, a reflection of Eddie’s own the night they’d quietly confessed their love and gone their separate ways.

    And in those moments, he knows it definitely wasn’t a dream.

    “Dad, are you gonna puke?”

    Eddie looks down at Christopher and blinks hard before answering. “No, no, I’m okay. Do I look that bad?”

    “Well, you don’t look good.”

    There’s nothing to do but laugh at his kid’s honesty and attempt to shake off whatever visible anxiety has accompanied them to the 118’s Christmas party. This shouldn’t be a big deal, an afternoon with friends and food and gifts and games, but when Eddie sees Buck on the far side of the lawn, standing only a few feet away from where mistletoe hangs from a doorway, his entire face feels too warm and his heart scampers around his chest without a care.

    It’s like he’s 12 again. Or just really, really in love with his best friend.

    The problem is Eddie doesn’t know what happened after their late-night conversation at the station, doesn’t know whether Buck talked to Taylor – broke up with Taylor – or whether something happened to put that off. Temporarily. Or permanently. Either way.

    It’s stupid to worry, he thinks. They hadn’t actually said I love you that night, but they had made it known all the same, Eddie laying himself bare before Buck leaned into his touch, something honorable stopping them there. Buck’s voice had nearly broken when he’d told Eddie he needed to talk to Taylor, and then there was nothing for Eddie to do but wait.

    He’s waited. They haven’t talked. And now they’re at a party together.

    Maybe Eddie is going to puke.

    He and Christopher barely make it to one of the tables before Buck jogs over to them, and Eddie’s attention is split between his mile-wide grin and the ridiculous Santa hat he knows Buck is all too excited to wear.

    “Hey, bud, how are you? I think it’s been forever since I last saw you.”

    “Dad said you’ve been busy, but that you might be able to come over soon,” Chris replies, his own smile matching Buck’s.

    Buck’s eyes flicker toward Eddie’s for a second, just enough time for everything and nothing to be said. Then he reaches for Christopher’s arm and nods.

    “Yeah, definitely. I would love to come over soon.”

    And just like that – or maybe always – Buck and Christopher are inseparable, Eddie following closely behind as though he can chase the crackle in the air that connects him to Buck. The three of them spend the next hour decorating mini trees, sampling a handful of cookies, and playing a silly holiday movie trivia game. They veer toward the silent tease of the mistletoe more often than they should, and fall under the careful watch of Bobby once or twice, but it all comes with a dose of fresh air that Eddie has desperately needed since he stopped breathing a week ago.

    It’s a lot of Christmas magic right up until it’s not, the appearance of Taylor Kelly enough to make Eddie stop believing in Santa Claus entirely.

    “I—um, I just need to—” Buck gestures toward where she waits and looks helplessly at Eddie.

    “No, yeah, we’re good. This was fun and we can figure out some time for you to come hang out with Chris.”

    “No, it’s not—” Buck sighs. “I want to be here, with you, but I promised her—”

    “Go, then. You promised.”

    Eddie turns away from Buck, forced by self-preservation more than anger, and focuses on helping Christopher organize the pile of donated gifts the station has collected. He doesn’t miss the way his son’s eyes track Buck’s departure, Chris having more faith in Buck’s eventual return that Eddie can manage, and he sort of hates how easily his mind can conjure the image of the mistletoe hanging too near to where Taylor was standing.

    “How are we doing over here?”

    Hen stands behind Christopher, her hands resting on his shoulders, but her gaze intent on Eddie. He’d love to tell himself that she doesn’t mean anything by her question, can’t possibly know the way the shards of his heart have threatened to puncture his lungs, but he’s pretty sure he left most of his lies in the station kitchen last weekend.

    “I’m tired, I think. Just really, really tired,” Eddie admits.

    That’s oversimplifying it, of course, but he doesn’t know how else to explain it without scaring the hell out of Christopher. He’d lived with the weight of his love for Buck for a while and was almost willing to sit with it forever, but then Buck had looked at him and told him that Taylor isn’t everything in a way that made Eddie believe that maybe he could be, and now it’s crushing him and he’s exhausted.

    “Hey, Chris,” Hen says. “How would you like to spend the night with Denny tonight? We’ll hang out here a while longer and your dad can go home to get some rest.”

    Hen’s a godsend and Chris agrees easily, Eddie giving him a big hug before he shoves his hands in his pockets and heads toward his truck, nodding a silent goodbye to everyone he sees on his way out. He’s just opening the car door when he hears Buck call his name.

    “What’s going on? Hen said she’s got Chris for the night and you’re gonna be home alone.”

    “Don’t worry. Been alone plenty of nights, Buck.”

    “I don’t—can we talk?” Buck asks. “Can I come over? Go home? With you?”

    Please. Don’t. Always. It hurts.

    He mumbles some kind of clumsy yes instead.

    Eddie beats Buck to his house by at least a few minutes – far too long for his liking – and makes his way into the kitchen to pour two shots of peppermint schnapps. Tis the season, or something like that. When he hears Buck at the front door, he wonders whether two will be enough.

    His arm is outstretched, shot glass in hand, when Buck joins him. “Cheers to—whatever.”

    Buck takes it and winces when he swallows, Eddie doing the same. “Not that I necessarily mind feeling like I just snorted a candy cane, but what the hell is happening here?”

    “You tell me. You’re the one who wanted to talk. I just wasn’t sure if you had to hurry off to talk to Taylor again, too.”

    “Well, yeah, you and I haven’t really been able to talk since we—” Buck stops and shakes his head. “Wait, do you think Taylor and I are still together? After everything that happened the other night?”

    “Yeah, you—at the party—she was—”

    “She was returning my key and—god, I really though I was gonna be the dumb one in our relationship.”

    “Our relationship?” Eddie squeaks. “You broke up with her?”

    He kind of hates the way his voice sounds, all desperate and painful, and he wants to blame it on the liquor, but then Buck steps forward to tuck his fingers into Eddie’s pocket and drag him closer, and Eddie thinks he might not be able to use words again anyway.

    “I broke up with her about five seconds after that shift ended. And then I’ve spent every minute since trying to figure out a way to be alone with you and couldn’t seem to make that happen, but I got to spend this afternoon with my two favorite people in the world, one of whom was far too obsessed with the mistletoe decoration by the way, and yeah, I told Taylor to just meet me at the party so I could be totally done with all of that because while it still really, really sucks that I told her I love her, I just want to put that behind me so I can tell you how much I love you. You. It’s been you for so long.”

    Eddie doesn’t speak, just leans forward to kiss him, the way he’d wanted to kiss him while they drank hot cocoa spiked with honesty and topped by too many marshmallows – the way he’d wanted to kiss him most of the days before that and every day since – but Buck pulls his fingers from Eddie’s pocket and backs away.

    “Buck—”

    “Shhhh, no, you can’t mess this up for me,” Buck argues, reaching into his jacket and proudly showing off what he’d brought with him.

    “You stole the mistletoe?” Eddie snorts.

    “Seriously, you would not stop staring at it the entire time Chris and I were trying to have some very carefree Christmas fun. Do you know how distracting it is to want to slam someone up against a doorway and kiss them senseless only to have to focus on games with their very adorable kid instead?”

    Eddie laughs and wraps his hand around Buck’s as they lift the mistletoe above their heads together. “So, what happens now?”

    “You tell me you love me back, we kiss, and then we never, ever let go.”

    He does.

    They do.

    And he’s not sure about never ever, but they definitely don’t let go until morning.

    #911fic#buddie fic #i am always hesitant about sequels and whatnot #but this one wanted to be written so here we are
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  • hattalove
    03.12.2021 - 15 hours ago
    #someone: what if you wrote— #me already writing: i was forced #anyway have. silly #911fic#911#mine #sorry this is so long im making you suffer the whole thing on the dash #also eddie is a christmas decor fiend it's canon #imstillatherestaurant#reply
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  • capseycartwright
    03.12.2021 - 19 hours ago
    #911 fox#evan buckley#eddie diaz#911fic#buddie #in which lorna writes fic #in which i ramble #prompt fill
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  • belacoded
    03.12.2021 - 1 day ago

    I just realized I never actually advertised my 911 fics on here, so this is me doing that lol

    The 118 Really Should Have Known: The 118 aren't as observant as they think they are. Or: 5 times the 118 didn't realize Buck and Eddie were dating and 1 time they did. This fic is just really fun and fluffy and, in my slightly biased opinion, absolutely hilarious. Words: 3.5k

    I'll Take Care of You, Whenever You Need: Buck gets sick. Maddie shows up to take care of him. Just some siblings taking care of each other and also me writing about my favorite things to do when I'm not feeling well. Words: 1.3k

    No Stronger Bond: Sometimes, siblings just need to spend some quality time together. Or, 3 times Buck bonds with each of his siblings and 1 time they all bond together. Very fluffy, very adorable. Words: 5.5k

    Wanna Bet On That?: Buck and Eddie have a little competition going between them: whoever proposes first gets to pick the flavor of the cake. The only rules: the moment must be perfect and they cannot use any help from anyone whatsoever. Or, 5 times Buck or Eddie proposes at the wrong time and 1 times it's perfect. In the same 'verse as No Stronger Bond. Also very fluffy and very adorable. Words: 3.1k

    The Shovel Talk: Buck's favorite thing about having a family is that he is allowed to be as fiercely protective of them as he wants. If that mostly comes out in the form of him letting anyone who tries to date his siblings know exactly what will happen if they hurt them? Well, that's his business. Or, 3 times Buck gives the shovel talk to his siblings' significant others plus 1 time they return the favor. What can I say, I'm in love with the sibling dynamic between Buck, Maddie, May, and Harry. Words: 5.4k

    It's the Little Things: Buck's family love everything that Buck does to show them he cares. Or, 5 times Buck cares for his family and 1 time they show him they care in return. I'm starting to realize I may relate to Buck a little too much and am living out my greatest fantasies of a close and thriving family through him. Words: 2.7k

    Anyways, feel free to reblog this to share it! I am also always interested in hearing what people have to say about my works, so shoot me a message/anon either here or on ao3!

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  • bestillmyirishheart
    02.12.2021 - 1 day ago

    Someone said I should post here again. But I am so bad at self-promotion, so I might forget about it pretty soon again.

    Eddie isn’t sure how he ended up with a significant collection of Paw Patrol merchandise. He also isn’t sure if this is Buck’s way of telling him something significant or just him trying to mock Eddie until their dying days.
    Anyway, this is how it started.
    (spoiler: Yes, Buck is trying to tell him something significant.)

    General Audiences, 2898 words,

    25 Days of/Cat-Sitter series

    #my fic post #my writing #buck and eddie #25 days of idiots in love series #Adventures in Cat-Sitting series #eddie diaz#evan buckley#911fic#911 fanfic
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  • capseycartwright
    02.12.2021 - 1 day ago
    #911 fox#evan buckley#eddie diaz#buddie#911fic #in which i ramble #in which lorna writes fic #prompt fill #married buddie my beloved
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  • capseycartwright
    02.12.2021 - 1 day ago
    #911 fox#evan buckley#eddie diaz#buddie#911fic #in which i ramble #in which lorna writes fic #prompt fill #some more christmas fake dating for u drew my love!
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  • capseycartwright
    02.12.2021 - 1 day ago
    #911 fox#evan buckley#eddie diaz#buddie#911fic #in which i ramble #in which lorna writes fic #prompt fill#letthe3000rain #hope u enjoyed emma!!
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  • buddienights
    02.12.2021 - 2 days ago
    Part thirteen (final) of TA grindr au

    Sometime in the night — they forget to get up for dinner, more content to just stay curled up together — they change positions. Buck wakes up with his face buried in the back of Eddie’s neck, his arm around Eddie’s waist, and Eddie’s naked back plastered to his equally bare chest.

    The first thing he sees is the hickey he’d so diligently put just below Eddie’s ear and it’s livid in the light of morning.

    “Sorry about that,” Buck whispers, brushing his lips against it softly.

    Still mostly asleep, Eddie makes a fussy, confused noise that’s so damn cute Buck’s pretty sure his heart swells.

    And then his stomach rumbles, ravenous.

    “I’m gonna go make breakfast,” he tells Eddie, and tries to sit up.

    Eddie makes the confused, now grumpy, noise again and laces his fingers through Buck’s to try and pin him in place.

    “Food,” Buck says, pressing a quick kiss to Eddie’s shoulder. “Coffee, even.”

    Eddie grumbles, but lets go of Buck’s hand. Buck kisses his shoulder again and then climbs out of bed. He finds Eddie’s delectable henley from the day before on the floor, and considers trying to pull on his own jeans, but there’s a comfortable looking pair of sweats on top of the dresser. As he passes by the side of the bed to the door, Eddie reaches out to grab at him, all without opening his eyes.

    Buck allows himself to be caught and reeled in, at least for a moment.

    “Kiss,” Eddie mumbles, face half hidden by the pillow and fuck, if this is what non-one-night-stands are like, Buck may become addicted.

    He leans in to kiss the only part of Eddie’s mouth he can access and is stupidly endeared when the lack of full and proper kiss makes a frown and a pout appear on Eddie’s face.

    Buck leaves him there and heads for the kitchen. It’s tidy, and intuitively organised, even though Buck also encounters a drawer of well-worn takeout menus. Like Eddie has aspirations of cooking if not extensive practice.

    He finds eggs, and he finds potatoes, and he finds some cheese, and he finds the coffee maker and gets a pot going.

    He’s in the middle of cracking eggs into the other half of the frying pan from the potatoes when two things happen. First, Eddie shuffles out of the bedroom and into the kitchen with him. He’s found a pair of sweats, but forgone a shirt and Buck wants to drool over his abs again, but gets distracted by the hickeys all over his chest and neck and stomach, all in the convenient shape of Buck’s mouth.

    The second thing is, a key turns in the lock and the apartment door opens to let in a middle aged woman and the most adorable almost-five-year-old boy Buck’s ever seen.

    “Daddy!” the kid — obviously Christopher — says, crossing the living room and reaching his arms up for Eddie to collect him.

    “Hey, buddy!” Eddie says, clearly wide awake now.

    “Eddie,” the woman says, arching an eyebrow and Buck hopes to god this is not how he’s gonna meet Eddie’s mother.

    He’s never met anyone’s mother before.

    “Tía,” Eddie replies, eyes wide and holding Christopher against his chest like a shield.

    “Daddy, what’s on your neck?” Christopher asks, poking the hickey on Eddie’s neck.

    “And who’s this man making you breakfast?” Eddie’s aunt asks.

    “Uh, I’m — I’m—” Buck starts.

    “This is Buck,” Eddie says at the same time. “My — um—”

    “His—”

    “We’re—”

    “It’s—”

    “We—”

    “Mmhm,” Eddie’s aunt says.

    “Uh, anyway, Buck, this is my aunt Pepa, who didn’t say she was coming by,” Eddie says.

    “I stopped by my mother’s and had to come this way and thought it would be useful to bring Christopher home,” Pepa says. She eyes Buck, evaluating.

    Before she can ask anything else, Christopher looks over Eddie’s shoulder at Buck curiously. “What are you making?”

    “I’m, ah, hashbrowns and eggs,” Buck says. “Do you like those?”

    “I don’t know,” Christopher says.

    Eddie laughs, softly, and kisses the side of his head. “Yeah, you do, buddy. You love hashbrowns, remember?”

    Christopher nods and goes happily enough when Eddie settles him into a booster seat at the kitchen table.

    “I’m gonna…” Eddie says, gesturing vaguely between the door to his room and his bare chest, and then booking it.

    Left alone, Buck tries to keep the breakfast from burning while Pepa eyes him.

    “What is it you do, Buck?” she asks.

    “Uh, I got kind of a late start on the whole school thing so I’m finishing my degree,” he says. “I’m gonna be an early elementary school teacher.”

    “I’m going to be in early elementary school,” Christopher tells him.

    Buck smiles. “Yeah, I know, I’ve kinda been helping your dad find a good kindergarten for you.”

    Pepa’s demeanour towards him softens away from archly amused to genuine interest. “Have you?”

    “Yep, he has,” Eddie says, sliding back into the main room fully clothed and steering Pepa toward the door. “Thank you so much for bringing Christopher home, love you, okay, bye.”

    He kisses her on the cheek and steers her out of the apartment all in one smooth move that looks long-practiced. Buck catches a snippet of Pepa laughing as she goes.

    Eddie rests his forehead against the closed door for a second and then joins Buck and Chris in the kitchen.

    “We’re gonna have to come up with some kind of label before you meet my abuela,” Eddie says to Buck, resting a hand on his lower back as he reaches past him for the coffee pot. His thumb makes a quick circle around the muscle there that sends shivers up Buck’s back all the way to his scalp.

    “I’m gonna meet your grandma?” Buck asks, and wonders if the intense hope is as obvious to Eddie as it is to him.

    “I’d like you too,” Eddie says. “I’d like you to stay.”

    “I’d like that too,” Buck says.

    Eddie smiles at him, the corners of his eyes crinkling, and Buck smiles back.

    “Are the hashbrowns ready?” Christopher asks.

    It breaks the moment between Buck and Eddie, but it isn’t the irreparable kind of breakage. It feels more like breaking the seal on something that’s been private and turning it into something else. Something extremely real with Eddie’s small son involved.

    “They sure smell good,” Eddie says. He pours himself a cup of coffee and kisses Buck on the cheek before joining Christopher at the table. “Hey, buddy, Buck’s gonna be coming around a lot, okay?”

    Christopher considers, especially as Buck plates up the breakfast and sets it down on the table.

    “Do you like Legos?” Christopher asks.

    “I love Legos,” Buck says.

    “Then okay,” Christopher says.

    “Okay,” Eddie echoes, smiling at Buck.

    Buck grins back. “Okay.”

    ~*~*~*~*~

    Firehose91: I just feel like
    SunnyD: like…
    Firehose91: sorry, distracted
    SunnyD: oh? By what?
    Firehose91: my boyfriend looks really really hot when he grades papers. He’s got these reading glasses which I had no idea was a thing for me but like
    Firehose91: holy fuck
    SunnyD: oh you’ve got a boyfriend? Pity
    SunnyD: anyway you were saying? You feel like…
    Firehose91: oh I feel like before we both delete this app for good, idk, I feel like I should send you a dick pic or something
    SunnyD: 🍆
    Firehose91: and I don’t know maybe you’d be willing to send me an incredibly gratuitous pic of your ass? Just for the fond memories
    SunnyD: 🍑
    Firehose91: you just playing emoji translation for me
    SunnyD: I’m grading papers and you’re sitting in the middle of my living room. What do you want me to do? Stand up and drop trou?
    Firehose91: I mean
    Firehose91: yeah
    Firehose91: always
    SunnyD: Buck
    Firehose91: wow that’s amazing I could actually hear your tired sigh. The wonders of technology
    Firehose91: oh hey I guess I gotta go
    Firehose91: oh my boyfriends even pulled off his glasses
    Firehose91: oh and his shirt I think I’m gonna get luck
    [deleting this app will also delete all its data. Are you sure you wish to proceed?]
    [yes]
    [this app has been deleted]
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  • princessfbi
    02.12.2021 - 2 days ago
    The words hit the back of Buck’s neck and slid down his spine with the drops of the cold sweat collecting in the small of his back. The weight on Buck’s chest was an echo of what it used to be but still as suffocating as before when those words whirled around on repeat every time someone looked too long, looked too closely.
    “He’s fine,” Hen had said to Bobby that day he’d come in sporting a bruise on his face and lying through his teeth about some bullshit with a bicycle.
    The day Hen had lied for him too.

    Read on Ao3

    Rated: T | One Shot | Words: 20,627

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  • hmslusitania
    02.12.2021 - 2 days ago

    “Wait, wait, what?” Buck asks, jaw falling loose over the green beans.

    “Oh, yeah, no it was bad,” Ravi says.

    “I’m — I threatened you with a chainsaw!” Buck says.

    “I mean it started before that,” Ravi says. Beside them at the table, Hen is snickering into her glass of wine, apparently already well aware of Ravi’s former crush on Buck.

    Across from her, directly beside Buck, Eddie’s grip on his silverware is getting tighter, and he’s cutting the turkey of Bobby and Athena’s thanksgiving dinner into smaller and smaller pieces without unclenching his jaw enough to take a bite.

    “I’m — why?” Buck demands.

    “I dunno,” Ravi says with a shrug, eating another Brussels sprout. “You’re hot and competent, and like, maybe you weren’t always super nice to me but you were always so kind, especially to patients on calls.”

    Ravi shrugs again.

    “You’re easy to love, Buck,” Eddie says, terse and pointed at the cranberry sauce.

    “Whoa, hey, no, I didn’t say anything about love,” Ravi says. “It was just a crush.”

    “No, for sure, obviously,” Buck says. He clears his throat, a little pink around the ears. “And that is — very reasonable and flattering of you.”

    “You’re kind and generous and your heart is solid gold,” Eddie continues like neither Ravi nor Buck had said anything else. He punctuates each description with a fork stab to a vegetable on his plate. “And this is thanksgiving, right, you’re supposed to say what you’re thankful for? I’m thankful for you every single day I’m still breathing.”

    Ravi and Hen stare at him, silent in shock. Eddie stabs and then mushes a roast potato. Buck blinks at him in utter and complete incomprehension.

    “What,” Buck says finally.

    “Crushes are fine and fun and whatever but Ive been in love with you for years and I’m so tired of pretending not to be,” Eddie says, finally dropping his fork and picking up his wine glass. He doesn’t take a sip, he just holds it.

    “I’m — Eddie, I — of course I love you too,” Buck says. He beams, and Eddie’s hand relaxes on his glass, the tension seeping out of his jaw.

    “You do?” Eddie asks quietly.

    “Yes, Eddie, oh my god, yes, I love you so much,” Buck says, and Eddie smiles for the first time since this conversation took this turn.

    Beside him, Hen squeezes Ravi’s arm in clear delight. Buck and Eddie have eyes only for each other.

    “So, does this mean you guys are gonna renew your vows?” Ravi asks, mostly to keep them from making out at the dinner table while the vast majority of their department is in attendance. “I suppose you’d probably want to get new rings, right, since the old ones would be a reminder of the time your marriage didn’t work out.”

    That statement snaps Buck and Eddie out of their soul-gazing, and then draws Hen’s attention to him as well.

    As one, the three of them stare at Ravi and ask, “what?”

    #the ghost ship scribbles #911fic#9-1-1#buddie
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  • tinselbuck
    02.12.2021 - 2 days ago

    to live without a lifeline

    buddie (966 words)

    Honestly, Buck expects it to take longer for Eddie to find him. Actually, if he’s really being honest, he hadn’t expected Eddie to find him at all. Not because he’s hiding (although he is doing that), but because finding him means talking to him, and they don’t really seem to do that anymore.

    “I’m fine, you know,” Eddie says, dropping down next to him and bumping his shoulder.

    “Yeah,” Buck rasps.

    He knows. Eddie’s fine. He’s always fine. Fine until the day he’s not and then-

    Buck swallows and looks away.

    “Are you okay?” Eddie asks, soft and tentative.

    No. “I’m-” Not fine, not fine, not-

    “The answer is allowed to be no, Buck,” Eddie sighs.

    Buck shakes his head. “Is it?”

    “I know what it looked like,” Eddie says quietly.

    Except no, he has no idea what it looked like, because he wasn’t the one watching the wench when his line snapped, he wasn’t the one making the desperate grab for a rope that was already gone, he wasn’t-

    Buck chokes out a sob.

    “I was two feet from the ground,” Eddie reminds him gently. “I’m okay.”

    “I’m not,” Buck says, staring resolutely at his feet. Two words, and all of a sudden everything’s pouring out of him. “I’m not okay and I haven’t been okay, Eddie, not in months.”

    “I know.”

    Buck laughs bitterly. “Of course you do.”

    They sit in silence for what feels like hours. The first light of dawn begins to paint the horizon. The roof of the firehouse is usually one of Buck’s favorite places, but this morning, it feels like a prison.

    “I know you’re not okay, either,” Buck whispers finally.

    “I’m not,” Eddie agrees.

    “What are we doing, Eds?”

    Buck chances a glance at him. Eddie’s eyes are closed and his head is tipped back against the wall. He’s got one knee drawn up to his chest, and in the watery morning light, he looks younger than Buck’s ever known him to be.

    “Drowning, I think,” Eddie answers.

    And yeah, Buck knows the feeling. Intimately.

    “Buck, what do we do?” Eddie asks, and he sounds like he’s cracking apart. On instinct, Buck grabs his hand.

    “I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t-”

    “Why did you break up with Taylor?” Eddie asks suddenly.

    The change of subject feels like whiplash. Buck would know. “W-why?”

    “You never told me,” Eddie says simply.

    Buck wants to laugh, or maybe scream. Of all the things they still haven’t talked about, this is the one Eddie wants to bring up? He shakes his head. For all he hasn’t said, he’s never lied to Eddie. He won’t start now.

    “I couldn’t do it,” he says. “Couldn’t keep lying to myself. She and I were never going to make each other happy. We were both too fucking damaged.”

    “I’m proud of you,” Eddie says, and Buck’s heart clenches. “I know the idea of losing people scares you.”

    “I was never scared of losing her.”

    Eddie looks at him then, brow furrowed and gaze seeking. “Why?”

    “Losing her was never going to hurt the way losing you did,” Buck says. He bites his lip and looks away.

    “You didn’t lose me,” Eddie says gently, almost pleading.

    “I’ve lost you so many times,” Buck says. His throat feels raw, like he’s been screaming for hours. Maybe he has been.

    “Buck, I-”

    “I lost you to the tsunami. To the lawsuit. To the well. T-to Ana. To a sniper in broad daylight, and today I lost you to faulty equipment,” Buck says tonelessly. “I have lost you over and over again and every time it happens I think, this, this is going to be the thing that kills me.”

    Eddie shakes his head, eyes shining. “No, no you can’t-”

    “I know,” Buck says. “I know because you made me promise to survive losing you, but I don’t know how to do that.”

    “You have to,” Eddie rasps.

    “Please don’t make me,” Buck begs.

    The sun finally crests the horizon, dying everything orange and gold. The hazy Los Angeles air makes everything look soft, like there are no sharp edges left in the world to impale himself on.

    “I’m terrified of leaving you,” Eddie says finally. “I- I know what that would do. That’s why, okay? I need you to have a reason. I need both of you to be okay, one day.”

    “For him- you know I would. I’d figure it out. Somehow.”

    “I know.”

    Buck’s eyes burn. “Please don’t leave me,” he whispers, and it’s unfair, he knows it’s unfair to ask this of Eddie. To ask it of anyone.

    Eddie turns to face him, folding his knees beneath himself. He gently cradles Buck’s face in his hands, tugs him closer until their foreheads rest together.

    “Never, okay?” Eddie says. “If there is still a shred of life in my body, I will use it to come home to my family, and that’s you. You and Christopher, I promise.”

    Tears pour hot and heavy down Buck’s cheeks. He fists his hands in Eddie’s shirt.

    “Can I-”

    “Yes,” Eddie cuts him off.

    Buck laughs wetly. “You don’t even know what I was going to ask.”

    “Anything. Everything. Yes,” Eddie says.

    “You don’t mean that,” Buck whispers.

    “Evan, I do,” Eddie says, pulling back just far enough to look Buck in the eye. “Anything,” he repeats.

    “Can I come home with you?” Buck asks, so quietly that if Eddie was more than three inches away, he probably wouldn’t have heard.

    Eddie’s face softens impossibly. “Always,” he says. Buck opens his mouth to speak, but Eddie beats him to it. “I mean it.”

    “Okay,” Buck says, willing himself to believe it. “Okay.”

    Eddie stands and holds his hand out to Buck.

    “Come on,” he says. “Shift’s over. Let’s go home.”

    #this is it! the fic based on a single line of dialogue! it is all angst! #well I mean mostly resolved angst but still #if you can guess the line the inspired the whole goddamn thing I will kiss you on the mouth #anyway obviously I did decide to post it bc I have the patience of a four year old doing the marshmallow experiment :) #also I have been sort of considering making a tag list is that something anyone would be interested in?? #911#911fic#buddie#buddie fic#evan buckley#eddie diaz#9-1-1#911 fox#fic#Abbie writes#userceecee
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  • swiftiediaz
    01.12.2021 - 2 days ago

    you could be the one that i love

    4.9k, rated G, complete.
    read it on ao3

    buddie christmas fluff with pining!eddie because i have no self-control. that's the fic <3

    Evan Buckley is smart, funny –and most importantly– fiercely protective of those he loves. And somehow, Eddie made it to the top of that list.

    They didn't start with the best of introductions, but it didn't take too long for Buck to warm up to Eddie. Well, it took them defusing a bomb in the back of an ambulance, but Eddie can't be bitter about it. Buck is one of his favorite people now, along with Christopher. Five years after their catastrophic first meeting, and they're best friends.

    Eddie is also hopelessly in love with him. Which kinda sucks because if things didn't work out he would be losing one of the best relationships he ever had. Not that Buck knows anyway. Just Eddie's luck to fall for the most oblivious person in the world.

    And Eddie's been trying to tell Buck how he feels for so long now, three years and a half, actually, if we want to get specific. And every time he finds an excuse not to do it –"Buck is straight" which was proven wrong when the blonde got drunk one night and told him he hooked up with a lot of guys during college. "I need to think about Christopher," which of all his excuses is the weakest one because the kid basically idolizes Buck.

    Eddie is scared, so every time he makes an excuse not to tell Buck, he remains silent. And he pines. A lot. It's all very sad and pathetic, really.

    This time is gonna be different, though. He tells himself this time is gonna be different because Eddie is tired of being a repressed pining idiot. So he makes a plan. Is it a fool-proof plan? Not really. Is he panicking about it? Yes, absolutely. Did he pick probably the worst time ever to execute said plan? Also yes. It's the holidays, after all. If Buck rejects him it's gonna make Christmas dinner a very uncomfortable affair. Not to mention that the holiday will forever be ruined for Eddie. But he's going through with it anyway. Go big or go home, right?

    "I thought you already bought Christopher's presents for this year." Buck's voice comes crackly through the speaker phone, “Why do you need me to go with you to buy more?”

    "It's not for Christopher, okay? It's… it's for someone special." It's for you, idiot. I've been in love with you for years and I want you to give you a gift to tell you that, it's what Eddie wants to yell.

    "Oh? Who? I didn't even know you were dating." Buck's voice sounds weird now and Eddie can't put his finger on exactly why, so he decides to ignore it. He already started phase one of his plan and he can't back down now.

    "I'm not. I'm, uh, I'm in love with this person and I want to give them a great gift, you know? And I need your help because you're better at this than me." Eddie explains nervously.

    He's telling the truth, though. He's really bad at giving gifts. Shannon always hated every gift Eddie ever gave her because he never could get it right, he always missed the mark by at least a hundred points. That made the holidays something that Eddie dreaded, more than anything. And he didn't want to see the look of forced joy in Buck's face. He wants to blow Buck's mind… and other things, but that's not important right now.

    And he can't impress Buck when Eddie is the worst at choosing gifts.

    The only reason Christopher is happy with his presents it's because he makes sure Eddie knows exactly what he wants and he makes the most detailed lists for Santa.

    So, Eddie figures, what better way to give Buck an amazing gift and tell him that Eddie is in love with him than to make Buck pick the gift himself? It's not the best plan, admittedly, but it's the best that Eddie could come up with. Don't judge him, okay? He didn't have help and he had to think of something on his own.

    The line it's silent for seconds that feel like an eternity and it's strange. They're never silent on the phone, Buck is always happy to talk and tell Eddie random obscure facts or they're joking about whatever.

    Eddie is about to check if Buck hang up on him when his friend finally speaks.

    "Oh, okay. Yeah, uh, I can– I can help you, I guess."

    Eddie frowns at this response.

    "Well, don't sound so enthusiastic, geez."

    Buck grumbles something rendered unintelligible through the phone, and Eddie questions his plan for the hundredth time that day. God, maybe this is a mistake and he's about to ruin the best friendship he ever had.

    "Buck?"

    "Sorry, I'm just, uh, cleaning. I'll help you. Tomorrow, right? We both have the day off."

    "Yeah. Abuela is hanging out with Chris and they'll bake cookies, so we can take our time Christmas shopping." Eddie smiles, his mouth already watering just thinking about Abuela's Christmas cookies.

    "Okay, then I'll see you then, man." And with that, their conversation ends. Buck hangs up the phone before Eddie can answer.

    "It'll be okay. We'll be okay." Eddie mumbles to himself. Buck was just in a mood, that's probably it.

    Or maybe, maybe he was jealous. A small hopeful voice whispers in his mind. Eddie can't help but to feel giddy at the thought.

    ---

    "Maybe we could go check the jewelry shop?" Buck asks, already veering towards the jewellery section. "It's romantic and women always love that stuff."

    "Yeah." Eddie says, uncommitting. He winces and then sighs. Here it goes. "We're not really shopping for a woman." Eddie mumbles, avoiding Buck's eyes. "It's a man. We're shopping for a man."

    Eddie keeps walking but a few seconds later he realizes Buck wasn't following him. He finally finds the courage to look back and Buck is on the same spot as before, looking at Eddie with wide eyes and mouth gaping as if he wants to say something but isn't sure of what.

    "Buck? Are you okay?" Eddie asks, insecure. He knows Buck is not homophobic. That would be ridiculous.

    A small part of him still fears.

    "No, yeah. I'm great! You just, you never told me you were into men." Buck makes that thing where he tilts his head slightly and squints and he looks like a confused puppy. It's adorable and Eddie is so gone for this man it's not even funny.

    There's also a look of hurt in those big blue eyes and Eddie feels guilty. He swallows and walks back to Buck, so the rest of the people walking by don't listen to their conversation.

    "I guess it never came up. It's not something I was actively trying to hide from you." He shrugs, hiding his hands on the pockets of his jacket so Buck doesn't see them shake. It's funny how Eddie can remain calm in the most high stakes situations but he's a blushing babbling mess in front of his best friend. It's like he's back in high school trying ( and failing ) to flirt with the captain of the basketball team.

    "Oh, right. And do I know this guy? Who even is he? You don't have any friends!"

    Eddie raises his eyebrows and he doesn't pout, he swears. He doesn't pout.

    "Ok, first of all, rude." He takes one of his hands out of his pockets so he can point a finger at Buck, his eyebrows scrunching together. "Second of all, I do! I have tons of friends, thank you very much."

    "Name one. And you can't say me, Chimney, Hen, Bobby or Christopher." Buck is now with his hands at his waist and it's looking at Eddie expectantly. "The team's significant others also don't count."

    Eddie takes a few seconds to think about his answer and fuck. He just talked himself into a corner.

    "That's not the point!" He yells finally, a little too loudly since some people that are walking by turn to look at them. He winces and sighs, "This person, I'm not gonna say who he is for now, it's… he's the best person I know, okay? And I'm pretty sure he likes me back. Okay, no, I'm 90% sure that he likes me back."

    Buck is still looking at him and Eddie is feeling more and more anxious by the second.

    "Well, now that I'm really thinking about it, I'm like 75% sure he likes me back." Eddie concedes, tilting his head side to side. "And that's why I need your help to get them a gift so thoughtful and amazing that it will woo the hell out of him."

    "Fine. How about a watch? Guys like watches." Buck suggests hesitantly, his eyes are closed off and he looks tense. Eddie doesn't know what the hell is going through his head.

    Eddie's gaze quickly flicks to Buck's wrist where's a watch that Maddie got for her brother not even a month ago. It's brand new and Buck hasn't taken the thing out since Maddie gave it to him.

    "He already has a watch, Buck. And either way, a watch doesn't exactly scream romance, you know. It's not even a charming gift, not for someone you want to… you know." Eddie gives Buck the most unimpressed look he can muster.

    “Everyone needs a watch,” Buck shrugs, ignoring most of what Eddie just said. If Eddie weren't so in love with the idiot, he would probably punch him to knock some sense into him. "It's practical! Everyone loves someone who can be practical."

    "Well, I don't need practicality right now. I need… passion, a big gesture. Whatever!" Eddie moves his hand in the air and then stops to think. And then, hesitantly, adds– "If you were the guy I was in love with, hypothetically of course," Eddie rushes to clarify. "What would you want me to give you? Hypothetically."

    Buck tightens his lips and looks off to the side, to all the people shopping last minute for Christmas and to the Santa who is sweating through his costume with all the kids waiting in line to get on his lap, shoulders taut and jaw set. Eddie watches him attentively. Eddie can feel that there's something wrong, the tension is radiating off him, but he doesn’t dare to hope. He doesn't dare to confess his love right there. He has a plan, he tells himself.

    When Buck doesn’t respond, he rolls his eyes and huffs. "Come on, Buckley. I need help here."

    "I don't know what you want from me, Eds. If I were the guy you were in love with, I wouldn't need a stupid gift to woo me or whatever." Buck shrugs helplessly and then looks at him, wide blue eyes staring right into his soul. "I would just need you. I would only want you." Buck whispers the last part and Eddie isn't sure he heard him right. Buck's tone is soft and it makes Eddie's heart ache.

    It takes the air out of him, it leaves him off-center. It's stupid how this man has so much power over him that with only a few words it makes Eddie's knees weak.

    "Right, that, uh… "Eddie, oh so intelligently, answers. "That's sweet, thanks." He tries to relax his face, hoping Buck doesn't see how pathetically hopelessly irrevocably in love Eddie is with him. He's not sure if he succeeds but the blonde seems as oblivious as always.

    "Anyway, that's just me. Come on, let's get this mystery man of yours a gift before the mall closes." Buck claps his hands, breaking the trance they fell into and saves Eddie from making an even bigger fool of himself.

    Buck starts walking and Eddie follows him dumbly.

    They walk through every shop twice. Buck gets more and more annoyed by the minute but he's not great help and Eddie needs to get this right. And it would be easier if he wasn't dealing with a grumpy Buck.

    "We've already been to this jewelry shop, Eds. And we've been in the books section and in the clothes section and in every fucking store in this mall. Just pick something, dude."

    "Well I asked for your help but all you've done is pout like a kid throwing a tantrum."

    "Fine. Just… Ugh, okay, why don't you give them a necklace? Like the St. Christopher necklace you have but maybe with your initials or his. That's romantic, right?" Buck shrugs but his shoulders are tense and he looks like he just swallowed a bitter pill.

    Eddie thinks about the suggestion and it's not really a bad one. The first helpful advice from Buck in the day, actually.

    "You really think that's romantic?"

    "Well, Karen gave Hen a necklace like that, remember? With the 'K' engraved?"

    "Yeah, I remember." Eddie nods, already looking through the necklaces and chains. It's sweet, really. Eddie remembers when Hen told them the story.

    "It's not a possessive thing, guys. It's just… Karen, you know? She's my person, she knows me like no one else does. That's what her initial 'round my neck means. She's with me, always." Hen had said with a soft fond smile on her face. 'That's what true love looks like' Eddie had thought, listening to her but with his gaze settled on Buck.

    And if isn't that what Eddie feels about Buck. Besides, once Buck opens his gift on Christmas, he'll have no doubt. He'll know.

    "Yeah. That's a great idea, actually. Thanks." Eddie's eyes scan the options, the sales assistant patiently waiting for him to make a decision.

    He ends up deciding on a simple silver chain, nothing too flashy, pretty similar to the one he has with his St. Christopher medal. And he makes a request to have the 'E' engraved in the little silver pendant necklace.

    The assistant tells him it's gonna take at least a couple hours, not too long, since the request is simple enough. Eddie doesn't mind, he smiles and pays for everything in the moment.

    Good thing he's been taking on extra shifts for this reason, because it costs him more than he has anticipated. It's okay, though, Buck is worth it.

    Once they leave the jewelry section, it's past lunch and the mall is at its full capacity. Everyone is making last minute Christmas shopping or begging for a photo with Santa. The Christmas lights hanging from the ceiling make the atmosphere seem warm and festive and since phase two of his plan it's done, Eddie is feeling calmer.

    “You really like this mystery guy of yours, huh?” Buck whispers next to him, a little sadly. Eddie turns around and considers him carefully. Is he jealous? Is Eddie unintentionally hurting Buck in the process of confessing his love for the man?

    Well, he already started the plan, and doing the confession part in a crowded mall with Santa screaming ho! ho! ho! and a few impatient parents it's not the place he wants to do it. Eddie never half assed anything in his life ( except maybe his marriage with Shannon, but we're not unpacking that today ) and he's not gonna start now.

    So, he just shrugs. "I love him. He's really special, even if he can't see it himself." And because he can't help himself, "You would really like him." Eddie adds with a little smirk that Buck doesn't notice because he's too busy frowning at the floor.

    "Well, if he makes you happy, Eds, that's enough for me."

    "He does, Buck. He really does."

    ---

    Eddie might have gone to Target and bought out their entire holiday section. And okay, Chris and Buck definitely made fun of him for it but Christmas is important and he just wants to make it special for his son. And if he enjoys decorating the house and beating all of his neighbors as the best house in the block, well, that's between him and God.

    Rainbow lights twinkle along his roof ( he and Buck hang them the first day of December when they both got a day off ), a red and gold wreath brightens the door, garlands spiral down the banister and new holiday themed pillows adorn his couch.

    Jingle Bells sings out from the record player, the air is scented with freshly cut pine, tiny lights glow from the Christmas tree, which is decorated with brand new ornaments and some hand made from Christopher too.

    It's warm and homey and Eddie is proud of himself. Chris is next to him, begging to open the presents already. "Tomorrow it's Christmas. Tomorrow you'll open your gifts." Buck says for what it feels like the millionth time.

    "You and Buck both will be here, right? You promised this year that you'd both spend Christmas with me." Chris reminds him, again, for what it feels like the billionth time. Eddie rolls his eyes affectionately but nods all the same.

    "I know. We will."

    In that moment, Buck chooses to come up to them, bringing a tray out of the kitchen, setting it on the coffee table in front of them and then gracelessly falling on his seat beside Eddie.

    On the tray are three mugs, each one in different colors with festive patterns. One it's blue with snowflakes, the one in the middle it's red with little Christmas trees scattered around and the last one is white and in the shape of a snowman.

    "Hot cocoa with candy canes for my boys." Boys announce with a beaming smile and Eddie's heart flutters at "my boys". He likes the sound of that. Maybe a little too much.

    Thankfully, and weirdly, the hot L.A weather has dropped quite a bit so the hot cocoa is a welcome thing.

    "Thanks, Bucky!"

    "Yeah, thanks, Buck."

    “I also baked sugar cookies, but they’re still cooling.”

    "I helped!" Chris yells, almost dropping his cup all over the couch and Eddie is quick to help him stabilize it, not being able to contain his laugh.

    "I know you did, Chris. I was there, remember? You two kicked me out of the kitchen."

    "Well, Eddie, you kicked yourself out of the kitchen with those cooking skills. So, it's not really our fault." Buck teases him and reaches an arm high-five Chris, who's giggling behind him.

    Eddie puts his hand over his heart as if wounded, then slowly shakes his head. “You guys are cruel. So mean.”

    In response, Buck bumps him playfully with his elbow. "Shut up, you love us."

    Eddie laughs but it's a little forced, then sends an amused look towards his best friend and son, “You guys better be good or Santa won’t bring us presents.”

    Chris tries to be serious but bursts out laughing, along with Buck and then Eddie is joining. God, he hopes that once he gives Buck his present, he'll get to have this forever. This kind of domesticity, that makes him feel settled and at peace.

    "Buck?" Chris asks a few minutes later, once they've settled down and Buck's gone to bring the cookies. The three are snuggled on the couch, deciding what movie they'll watch but they're having a hard time deciding.

    "Yeah, superman?"

    "Do you have any Christmas traditions? Like, from when you were a kid?"

    Eddie immediately tenses up. He imagines the Buckley parents weren't the warmest people, not even on holidays. And he doesn't want Buck's move to go down, thinking about them.

    Buck blows out a long rush of air, “Wow, that's a good question, bud. I mean, as a kid I was always excited about new toys. My parents weren't the most… festive people, though. They would usually go out to a fancy dinner with their friends and they would leave Maddie and me alone. At least for as long as I can remember." Buck shrugs and when he sees Chris frowning and a little pout forming on his lips, he shakes his head. Forcing a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. Eddie can tell..

    "But Maddie, oh, she always made Christmas the best day ever. She would put the music at the highest volume and we would dance barefoot in the living room, something our parents never let us do when they were home. And she would buy some gifts for me with some saved money, nothing too extravagant but the gesture was what mattered."

    This time, Buck's smile is more honest and more soft around the edges. His eyes far away as if reminiscing about those Christmas mornings with his sister. Eddie smiles at that, silently thanking Maddie for taking care of Buck and making him the man he is today.

    And maybe, deep down, Eddie is cursing the Buckley parents for being so stupid and awful to their children.

    "I think, looking back, the best part of the day was spending it with Maddie. Spending it with someone I loved. Like I’m doing now.” He punctuates his point with a kiss to Chris’ hair, who's now between him and Eddie.

    Chris beams at him and Eddie melts at the sight of his boys loving each other so much.

    God, please please let this plan work.

    They decide on a movie soon after. Or, as Chris puts it, they finally decide to put on the greatest Christmas movie ever made: The Nightmare Before Christmas. For the life of him, Eddie doesn't understand Christopher's obsession with the movie, and in all honesty, he finds the movie a little creepy. But Buck and Chris put it on every Halloween and every Christmas, and Eddie just leans back and watches his boys sing alone. Buck gets a little too excited, singing 'This is Halloween' and it makes Eddie feel all warm inside. He's so gone for the dork, it's pathetic.

    By the end of the movie, Christopher is more asleep than awake. So Eddie takes it on himself to carry him to his bedroom and tuck him in while Buck cleans up a little bit.

    When Eddie gets back, Buck is already preparing the couch to sleep in. He takes a deep breath, sweaty hands clenching at his sides.

    "Buck? Do you mind if we exchange our gifts now? I'd like to give you mine when Chris is not around." Eddie asks, his voice trembling and his heart is beating a little too fast inside his chest. But it's better to do it now. The last thing Eddie needs is to be rejected in front of his son, that would be another level of awkwardness that he so doesn't want to experience. And in the remote case he isn't rejected and somehow Buck loves him too… well, it wouldn't be appropriate to have his son witness Eddie jumping Buck's bones.

    "Uh, sure?" Buck responds, turning around with his signature confused puppy look. "Let's do it."

    They both go to look for their respective presents and set them on the coffee table.

    Eddie sits on the couch, next to Buck, and doesn't move. He stares down at his hands in his lap, biting the inside of his lip, already regretting this whole stupid plan. A few too many beats go by. Next to him, Buck shifts impatiently so that his knees are bumping into Eddie’s thigh and sighs.

    "Why don't you open mine first?" Buck pushes a small and light gift into Eddie’s lap.

    Eddie nods, barely containing a sigh of relief at not having to give Buck's his present just yet. He sends his best friend a small soft smile, already knowing he’ll appreciate the present before learning what it is, because it’s from Buck.

    Gently, he removes the tape and unfolds the paper at the edges to reveal a kind of document. Eddie reads it quickly and he can't help but to feel touched.

    "Paid dancing classes for me and Chris?" He looks up at Buck, who's looking nervous but also really proud of himself.

    "Yeah. I read that dancing it's really helpful for kids with CP. It helps them with their motor function. And I know you like to dance, so I thought this could be something you do with Chris. You know? Your own thing with him." Buck explains, shrugging like it's not a big deal. Like he hasn't just made Eddie fall more in love with him if that's even possible.

    Is even more touching that Buck is always thinking of Chris and ways to make him happier and his life easier. Eddie doesn't know what he did in a past life to deserve a man so thoughtful and sweet that loves his son like his own, but God, he hopes he can have this forever.

    "Thanks, Buck. I love this so much and I know Chris will love it too."

    Buck looks giddy when he says, “Merry Christmas!” And then, "Can I open my gift now?"

    “Okay,” Eddie says, and braces himself for what he’s about to do. He drops the small box into Buck’s hand, “Here you go.”

    Buck it's like a little kid, having no patience at all and tearing away the wrapping paper, to reveal the logo of the Jewelry they went to a couple of days ago. He sends a bewildered look in Eddie's direction but doesn't say anything, he slides open the box and just… freezes.

    Eddie starts to panic. He just messed everything up. And now Buck is probably trying to think of a way to let him down gently. And Eddie is going to cry.

    Eddie swallows around the lump in his throat, watching how the blonde twirls the necklace between his fingers. And then stops to read the inscription that Eddie went back to the jewelry to request. "You can have my back, forever and always."

    "Buck? Say something."

    "I don't… I don't understand. Eddie?" Buck is now looking at him, with teary eyes. His gaze is scared, but hopeful. Eddie forces himself to explain.

    Eddie's chest feels like it could burst open at any moment. His heart is beating so hard that Eddie is sure Buck can hear it.

    "You're my mystery guy. It's you, It's always been you and It's always gonna be you as long as I breath." Eddie's tongue darts out to wet his lips nervously and maybe he's imagining it, maybe it's wishful thinking, but he swears he sees Buck's gaze drop to his lips. "And I realize that's intense and maybe I'm moving too fast or maybe I'm messing up the best friendship I ever had, but It's how I feel. And I'm done hiding it."

    Buck is blinking at him in shock, mouth slightly agape, like he's too stunned to form a proper sentence. Eddie doesn't dare to look away from him.

    "I don't want to be just best friends anymore. So if you'll have me…" Eddie chuckles nervously, all the speeches he's rehearsed, all the countless words he thought of saying, fly out the window. His hands are shaky and he can't seem to be able to continue.

    "So you… you made me believe you were in love with somebody else? You lied to me." Buck seems to finally find the words. "No offense, Eds, but that's kind of an asshole move."

    "Well I thought I was being romantic! And I suck at gifts so I figured I'd go to the source itself. Besides, you had to know, Buck. You had to know it was you. How could you not know?"

    Buck's eyes flick down to his lips and, in that moment, Eddie is sure he isn't imagining it. Buck's eyes linger a little too long for his imagination to play that on him.

    He moves forward, closing the distance between them.

    "I didn't know, Eddie. If I had, I would've done this way sooner." Buck whispers, his hand flying to the back of Eddie's neck and pulling him in until their lips are touching.

    And kissing Buck, it's more than Eddie ever imagined. Kissing Buck it's everything at once, it's fire in his veins, it's coming home after a long shift, it's eating cookies on the couch at midnight without having to talk because words aren't necessary, each other's company is enough. Kissing Buck it's knowing what true happiness tastes like.

    Buck's lips are soft and warm against Eddie's. His fingers brush against the side of Eddie's jaw as he cradles his face.

    Eddie's heart feels like it's breaking and putting itself together all at once. It feels like he's gonna die if he doesn't pour his whole soul into the kiss.

    I'm in love with you. I want you. All of you.

    When they pull back because of the lack of oxygen, Buck has a dopey smile adorning his face and Eddie wants to kiss him all over again.

    Eddie smiles at him like Buck just hang the moon, the stars and the sun in the sky. God, that kiss had him on fire but at the same time managed to soothe every inch of insecurity or pain in his body.

    Eddie swallows thickly as his eyes flicker down to Buck's lips. So soft and pink. Eddie wants to spend the rest of his life kissing those lips.

    "So this means you liked my Christmas present, right?"

    Buck lets out a breathless laugh. "Yeah, you dumbass. I loved it." His gaze softens. "I love you."

    “Merry Christmas,” Eddie whispers like a lovesick fool, against Buck's lips.

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  • ellayuki
    01.12.2021 - 2 days ago

    01122021

    9-1-1, Buddie

    ~

    "Are you going to wear that stupid hat the entire month?"

    "What? No, of course not."

    "Oh, goo-"

    "I mean, I could-"

    "Ugh, don't."

    "Wow, something happened? 'Cause someone's being a Grinch."

    "You would be, too, if your kid suddenly said he doesn't believe in Santa anymore."

    "...Chris said what?!?"

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  • rewritetheending
    01.12.2021 - 2 days ago

    it wasn’t enough (a post-5x09 ficlet)

    “How many times have you been in love?”

    Eddie drops the spoon he’d just pulled from the silverware drawer, wincing at its too-loud landing on the kitchen floor, apparently as surprised to hear Buck’s question as Buck is to have asked it. Buck had been wondering, of course, and he’d figured he’d find a way to bring it up at some point, but it’s 2:00am and they’re at the station and it’s really not the right time or place.

    Then again, he and Eddie seem to be having trouble finding times and places for a lot of conversations these days, so maybe letting his thoughts just tumble from his mouth without warning is the way to go. Eddie bends to pick up the spoon, then turns toward the sink to wash it, his back to Buck when he answers.

    “Twice—once. Once?”

    Buck waits for Eddie to return to hot cocoa he’d been preparing before the interruption, two mugs on the island between them, everyone else sound asleep in the bunk room. It had been a long day, and Buck wonders if he’s just sentenced them to an even longer night.

    “One and a half?” Buck asks.

    Eddie sighs, intent on staring at the swirl of steam as he stirs. “I—yeah? Maybe.”

    “Can you do that, though? Be half in love? I thought it was one of those all or nothing things.”

    “No. I mean, yeah, it is. But if you’re trying not to—” Eddie stops stirring and finally looks at Buck. “Why are you asking me this?”

    “If you’re trying not to what?”

    “Why are you asking me this?” Eddie repeats.

    Buck doesn’t answer right away, thinks maybe there’s still a chance to pile this onto all the other things left unsaid, a precarious tower of words that might choke him if they ever tried to make themselves heard. There’s no doubt Eddie would let him change the subject – whether it’s denial or faith, Eddie seems sure the tower will remain standing, no matter how much the shadow it casts has grown.

    Eddie steps away and Buck waits until he’s reaching for a bag of mini marshmallows to answer.

    “Taylor told me she loves me, and I said it back.”

    The mini marshmallows fall from Eddie’s hand, tracing the path of the spoon from just a couple of minutes before. Eddie makes no move to pick them up, his face frustratingly neutral in the wake of Buck’s confession. Buck isn’t sure how he’d expected Eddie to react, but the nothingness stings a little. He walks around to Eddie’s side of the island and scoops the bag off the floor, holding it out for Eddie as though the contact will be all it takes to make Eddie respond.

    Somehow, it is.

    “Okay, so you love her,” Eddie mumbles, adding too many marshmallows to each hot cocoa. And maybe he’s just over-tired, but Buck thinks Eddie’s hand is shaking a little.

    “I said I love her,” Buck clarifies. “But it—I’ve never—I think maybe it was supposed to feel different than it did.”

    “How did it feel?”

    Buck pauses, frowning as he tries to describe that moment in his kitchen. “Distant maybe? Or like they were words that sat on my tongue too long and got stale? I don’t know—I just didn’t feel like me.”

    There’s a flicker of something in Eddie’s expression – finally – but the early morning hours aren’t kind enough to allow Buck to define it. And Buck wants to grab him by the shoulders and beg him to stop standing there with nothing to say, wants Eddie to explain what’s wrong with him or with them even though Buck hasn’t figured out which him or them he even means. He’s exhausted and confused and they should just drink their cocoa and go to bed, but the silence forces Buck to fill it instead.

    “It’s all I’ve wanted—or thought I wanted. Someone to love me and someone I could love back. But then we were there and—”

    “It wasn’t enough.”

    It’s quite a blow, that almost-echo of a question Buck had once asked about Ana, and Eddie tries to soften it by handing one of the mugs to Buck. It does nothing to lessen Buck’s confusion when their fingers brush as Buck wraps his hand around the warm ceramic.

    “No, I guess it wasn’t,” Buck admits. “But that’s why I asked you. Because you can tell me how it really feels to be in love.”

    “I don’t think I can,” Eddie whispers.

    “But you were in love with Shannon and then you said twice, so—”

    Buck’s voice fades and his stomach turns, though it’s not altogether unpleasant, and Eddie watches as Buck reaches the end of a riddle he hadn’t known he was supposed to solve. He’d just assumed the second person was Ana, and that Eddie’s hesitation was because he was never all the way in like she had been, but Eddie is staring at him with eyes too wide to shutter and a million little things suddenly make sense.

    “Yeah,” Eddie says, lifting his mug toward his mouth. “Yeah.”

    They both take a minute to drink, and Buck doesn’t know whether the quiet of the station taunts them or offers some comfort. It does give him a chance to think, and there’s so much to say, but—

    “I’m sorry.”

    And he’s not totally sure what he’s apologizing for, except that it was never supposed to happen like this, even if Buck hadn’t realized it was going to happen at all.

    “Don’t be,” Eddie tells him, scrubbing a hand over his face and waiting another several seconds before he continues. “Being in love is wanting to know more, see more, touch more, all the time. Wanting the other person to be near you, because something feels off when they’re not. Wanting to make them happy, because their smile is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. And all of that can sneak up on you because being in love happens without your permission, kind of like breathing. It’s just there one day, the most natural thing in the world, even if you don’t remember the second it started.”

    Too many memories of their friendship – each one layered with more emotion than the one before – wrap themselves around Buck’s heart and make every beat that much stronger. They’re standing closer to each than they have in a long time, a warmth both familiar and not, and it’s all terrifying and dizzying and far too late to pretend he has any control over it at all, but Buck argues anyway.

    “People stop breathing, though. And people fall out of love.”

    Eddie gives him a tired shrug. “Sure. But in both cases, it means something else has gone very, very wrong.”

    Buck’s next inhale is slow and deliberate, but he doesn’t know why. He does know that he wants to kiss Eddie senseless, and that any question he’d had about Taylor was answered a while ago, but he takes a sip of hot cocoa instead, swallowing it with the bitter need to deny everything just a little longer.

    “And it’s worth it anyway?”

    “Yeah,” Eddie murmurs, pressing his palm to the side of Buck’s face and swiping melted marshmallow from Buck’s lip with his thumb. “Because for as long as it lasts, it will give you a hand to reach for in the worst moment of your life. It will give you someone to see before the rest of the world goes black.”

    It’s selfish, and maybe unfair to everyone, but Buck nuzzles into Eddie’s touch and lets his eyes fall closed. He wants this, whatever bit of forever Eddie might be promising, and he thinks he can have it soon. He just needs to—

    “I have to talk to her. I—she’s not—”

    His voice breaks, but Eddie nudges him to finish. “She’s not what?”

    Buck opens his eyes then, and everything he feels – the guilt and hope and desire and fear and love – is reflected back at him.

    “She’s not the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.”

    #911fic#buddie fic #i will post this to ao3 later today but figured i'd share here now #911 spoilers
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  • hmslusitania
    01.12.2021 - 2 days ago
    Since we’re all writing post 5x09 ficlets

    Eddie brings their fresh pints back from the bar and slides into the booth and Buck grabs at it like a lifeline.

    “What’s up?” Eddie asks, taking a measured sip. His eyes flick over Buck’s face and the parts of his torso visible over the table, like a triage that feels like it’s burning Buck alive.

    “Nothing,” Buck says.

    “Uh huh,” Eddie replies, unconvinced. Buck sips his beer and says nothing. “Buck, last week you were all freaked out about Taylor breaking up with you—”

    “She said she loves me,” Buck blurts out. This is it. This is why they’re at the bar instead of Eddie’s house or Buck’s apartment. At Eddie’s house, repeating that will sound like sacrilege, like some unholy thing dragged into Buck’s only real sanctuary. And saying it — again — in his own apartment is the dusty echo in the catacombs.

    He’s never even been to church and he can’t stop thinking about it like this. An I love you from a partner was supposed to be his salvation.

    “She…loves…you,” Eddie repeats, slowly, a bit like the words are mollasses, cloying and sticking. “Do you…”

    He doesn’t actually finish the question and from the way he’s grimacing at the foam on top of his glass, Buck’s pretty sure that Eddie cannot actually say it. Not even to repeat it.

    “I said it back,” Buck admits.

    Eddie’s mouth twists roughly for a second but he covers it with a sip.

    “That’s not what I asked,” he says. “Did you mean it?”

    No. It echoes like a drumbeat through his head and his chest. No, no, no no nononononononono—

    “No one else has ever loved me before,” Buck says instead. “Not — not like that.”

    There’s a punched sound from Eddie’s side of the table.

    “Right,” Eddie says, looking anywhere but Buck’s face. “Right, so you’re just gonna stick it out, hope it catches, right?”

    “I — I guess,” Buck says and Eddie sneers into his pint. Its not an expression Buck’s familiar with on Eddie’s face and he hates it.

    “Do you—” Eddie takes a deep breath and his face relaxes. At least a fraction. “You’re not expendable, Evan, not even just in pieces like your heart. Don’t throw yourself away.”

    And before Buck can say anything, Eddie slides back out of the booth and leaves.

    By the time Buck gets his feet under him and follows Eddie out of the bar, he’s already gone.

    #911fic#buddie#anti bucktaylor #the ghost ship scribbles #can I interest anyone in a cup of angst?
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  • alidravana
    01.12.2021 - 2 days ago

    Rough Waters Ahead (Ch.1/2)

    Fandom: 9-1-1

    Pairing: Pre-Evan ‘Buck’ Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan ‘Buck’ Buckley & Maddie Buckley

    Rating & Word Count: Teen, <2.5K

    Tags: Seal Buck, Selkie!Buck, Post-Tsunami, Fear of the Water, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Family Secrets, Pining!Buck

    Summary:  

    Little does Buck know that his nightmares surrounding the tsunami will lead him towards discovering the Buckley family secrets...all of them.

    Can also be read on A03.

    *****

    Buck’s nose broke the water first, followed quickly by the rest of his face.  Letting out a huge gasp, Buck’s arms flailed as he adjusted to being back above water.  He took deep, greedy breaths, sucking in air as quickly as he could without causing himself to hyperventilate.  It felt like he had been beneath the water for hours, his lungs still hurt from holding his breath for so long.  But now, as he instinctively started to tread water, he had to figure out his next problem.  

    Where the hell was he?

    Water stretched out as far as his eyes could see.  There was no land anywhere.  No rocks, no grass, no beach.  Only the cold, dark grey of the sea.  

    The only sound was the swish his hands made against the water, the steady in and out motions that he learnt from his time with the SEALs and his hitched breaths, as he slowly realized….

    He was alone.  

    Buck woke with a gasp, his hands reaching out to grab whatever was closest to him, which turned out to be a towel.  

    Pushing himself up against his headboard, he tried to catch his breath, gripping the towel tightly like it was a lifeline.  There had been nothing out there in the middle of the water, nothing but him, and the coarseness of the material was helping to remind him where he was, grounding him back in the present. 

    He was in his loft, in his bed.  Glancing over at his clock to confirm his hypothesis, he saw the 3:00AM in bright red light.  Middle of the night, he still had another three hours before he had to get up for his next shift.  Everything was falling back into place.

    But as he felt along the dark grey towel, he was surprised to find that the other end was wet.  And not damp, like he had been laying on it after a shower with wet hair.  But soaking wet, drops of water trailing off the end as he held it up in confusion.  

    He stood up quickly, shuffling over to toss the wet towel into the bedroom.  As he re-entered his bedroom, he noticed that there was a large damp spot spread across over half of the bed, likely due to the wet towel.  Not feeling like dealing with the mess, Buck pulled on his LAFD sweatshirt and headed downstairs to try to get a bit more sleep on the couch.  If he was falling asleep with a wet towel, he definitely needed as much sleep as he could get.

    ---

    Christopher had fallen over the edge of the fire truck, his bright yellow shirt disappearing under the roll of the ocean.  Buck never hesitated, diving in right after him.  His eyes quickly adjusted to the water, his large irises fully opening.  Ducking under a piece of debris headed right towards him, he looked around him, from left to right, hoping to catch a flash of yellow.  Light shone through the water, causing distortions and shadows that only hindered his view.  But then, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Christopher.

    Kicking through the water with a ferocity that surprised him, he propelled himself swiftly through the water after Christopher.  He swore he could almost hear the younger boy calling out for him before he was torn out of his view again.  No longer able to see him, Buck broke the water’s surface, hoping that maybe Christopher had managed to pull himself up on something, or someone had helped him out of the water.  But he was nowhere to be seen.  And neither was anything else for that matter.

    Buck was sure that Christopher had been heading inland, and he had been following right behind him.  But where there were tall buildings lining the streets, submerged vehicles, screams and cries of pain...here, there was nothing.  Instead of being in the middle of a busy city street, surrounded by debris and bodies, there was nothing around him.  How could the city just disappear like that? 

    Had they been pushed out to the ocean?   

    “Christopher!” He tried to shout, but instead let out a strangled shout, almost like a bark.  He tried to call for Christopher again, but a wave came by, causing him to end up with a mouth full of salt water.  

    Gasping and choking on the taste of the ocean, Buck found himself falling back into the water, unable to get back to the surface.  He tried to hold his breath as long as possible, but eventually his body succumbed to the need for oxygen, and his mouth opened, water streaming into his lungs as his body continued to sink.

    *Thump*

    Buck barely made a sound as he fell onto the ground beside his bunk, his hip hitting the tiled floor hard.  Buck lurched back to a seated position, ignoring the pain as he looked around frantically for Christopher.  “Christopher!” he said, trying to shout but unable to make a sound louder than a whisper.

    Buck flinched as a hand landed on his shoulder, but then relaxed as he realized who it belonged to, first due to the familiarity of the grip, and then as the room came back into focus, by the brown fluffy hair in front of him.  “Eddie, is Christopher okay?” Buck asked, blinking in confusion.  He needed the confirmation, needed to hear it from Eddie directly that his son was safe.  

    “Yes, he’s at home, with Carla,” Eddie explained gently.  A frown adorned his face, his eyes looked weary.  Buck had to physically stop himself from reaching out and touching Eddie, he wanted nothing more than to try to erase that frown.  He didn’t know why, but the sight of Eddie upset was like a knife to the gut.  But instead, his aborted movement led to him leaning on his hip heavily, and he inadvertently let out a whimper, causing the frown on Eddie’s face to deepen.

    Before he could say anything or shake off his injury, Eddie was up, reaching down his arms to help Buck off of the floor.  “Here, let me check that out,” Eddie said, and had Buck’s sweatpants halfway down his hip before Buck could say no.  Blushing a deep red, Buck willed his body not to react as Eddie’s gentle but strong hands traced along the quickly forming bruise.  “Looks okay,” Eddie commented, letting Buck pull his pants back up, which he did rather quickly.

    Buck nodded, trying to look anywhere but at Eddie as he shifted back onto his bunk.  A few awkward minutes passed before Eddie broke the silence.  “Were you dreaming about the tsunami?” Eddie asked. 

    “Yeah,” Buck answered reluctantly, hoping that Eddie would leave it at that.  He didn’t have the energy to explain the dream, his heart still pounding at the memory of Christopher slipping under the water.  

    “You saved him, Buck,” Eddie said firmly, reaching out to squeeze his hand.  “I know it won’t stop the nightmares, but try to remember.  You. Saved. Him.”

    Buck nodded and waved Eddie back to his bed, needing to be alone.  Buck shifted over to his side, glad that Eddie couldn’t see the couple tears that dripped down his cheek in response to his comment.  . 

    That’s not how he remembered it.  

    ---

    Buck wandered into the station, feeling dead on his feet.  He had been tempted to call in, unsure of whether or not he had had enough rest to be working safely.  And if it hadn’t been for the lawsuit, he probably would have.  But having been back for only a few months now, he didn’t want to give anyone any excuse to put him back on the bench, or back as the man behind.  

    Buck continued to have nightmares of the water, variations of him alone in the sea and of him searching for Christopher in the tsunami.  He had thought that opening up to someone would help, but he wasn’t ready to try a therapist, not again.  Normally, he would talk to Eddie about this sort of thing, but since part of his nightmares consisted of losing Christopher, he didn’t want to remind Eddie of that horrible day either.  So he tried confiding in his older sister, figuring that she wouldn’t have been as impacted as his co-workers.  Yet, as soon as Buck mentioned that he had been having dreams of being alone in the water, Maddie only got more and more tense, her foot tapping an irregular pattern on the floor.  Sensing that she was scared, Buck quickly stopped his explanation, shrugging it off, and was relieved to see her relax as he carried into a funny story that happened on his way to work the other day.  

    Since that failed discussion, his nightmares had only increased in intensity, leading to a new problem: sleep-walking.  Buck kept finding himself waking up in different places all over his loft, the couch, a dining room chair, on the floor of the kitchen.  Last night, he had woken up, cramped awkwardly in the bathtub.  A thin stream of cool water was running from the tap, which Buck quickly turned off, relieved that he at least had enough sense while sleep-walking to not push the plug in, because who knows how long he had been sleeping in the tub.  He reached for a towel, his whole body shivering as he stood up in the cool air.  He was also glad he hadn’t worn any clothes to bed that night, because wet clothes were the worst.  

    He briefly made a wish that it would be a slow day, and he could curl up in the bunk room for some rest, but the sound of the alarm went off as soon as he finished changing into his uniform for the day.  Groaning out loud, he ran out to meet his crew, shaking his head at the curious looks that were being shot in his direction.  He didn’t want to talk about it.

    It wasn’t long before the 118 was pulling up outside the Los Angeles Aquarium.  Apparently there had been a medical emergency right beside the sea lion exhibit, which was all the way at the back of the building.  

    As Buck and Eddie pushed the gurney through the crowds that were slowly exiting, Buck tried to suppress the tremble he felt in his hands, as tendrils of fear floated through his body.  He hadn’t connected the dots when they were told where they were going, but as he continued to walk through the darkened building, his heart rate continued to rise.  They were completely surrounded by water; large glass tanks that allowed Buck to clearly see the creatures in the replicated ocean around him, and the amount of water they contained felt like the size of the ocean too.  The only separation between him and Eddie and the water was a thin, thin piece of glass.  

    Buck had seen the power of the water, the anger of the ocean that day of the tsunami.  The strength as it ripped through buildings, cars, and people.  That piece of glass was a flimsy partition, a temporary barrier at best.  Buck almost stopped breathing at the thought of the tank breaking, the water bursting through...and Eddie...Eddie standing no chance as it took him away, just like it had taken Christopher.  

    “Buck?  Buck, are you alright?”  Eddie’s voice broke through the din of the crowd, interrupting Buck’s devastating thoughts.  Buck nodded his head yes, although he could tell that Eddie didn’t believe him, and continued to push the gurney in the direction that Eddie indicated.  

    This was not the time to have a panic attack.  People needed help.  He could freak out later.

    When they arrived at the sea lion exhibit, Hen and Chimney were already helping up their patient, who appeared to have gotten lightheaded due to the crowds.  Checking the young woman’s vitals again, they were reassured that she wouldn’t need to go to the hospital, and Buck let out a barely hidden sigh, relieved that they would be soon leaving the aquarium.  

    “Hey Buck!” Chimney said, having looked at the exhibit a bit closer as they finished packing up.  “I think this sea lion is waving at you!” He said with a chuckle, motioning for Buck to take a look.

    Rolling his eyes, Buck turned to look into the tank, really not wanting to, but not wanting the teasing from Chimney either.  “That’s not a sea lion,” he said, almost instinctively as he peered closer at the aquatic animal.  “That’s a seal.”

    “That’s right!” Chirped a nearby tour guide, who had been listening in on their conversation.  “Sea lions and seals are often confused with one another,” she added, stepping closer to the two firefighters.  

    Buck could hear Chimney asking how he knew that, but he had tuned out his almost brother-in-law at the point, his focus narrowing in on the seal.  The seal was a dark brown colour, with lots of smaller, lighter spots across his body.  Buck wasn’t sure how he knew, but he was fairly sure it was a male seal.  

    Buck took another step closer to the tank, his head tilting as he looked in.  He no longer felt the panic, the fear of the water that he had felt when he first stepped in the building, but instead a calmness settled over him.  The water called out to him, with its gentle promises, urging him to come closer and closer until his nose bumped against the glass.  Buck’s heart ached with the sweetness of the song, his whole body thrumming with the need to answer the ancient call that was whispering seductively into his soul.  

    Buck’s eyes widened as the seal looked at him directly, waving his flipper as if he was greeting a friend.  A brother, the water whispered to him, continuing it’s captivating chants, as Buck stood there, entranced.  

    “Yes, that’s Daniel,” the employee said, her voice breaking whatever spell had been woven as she introduced the seal.  “He’s a favourite here at the aquarium, very friendly and incredibly smart.”

    Buck nodded, shaking his head in confusion as he stumbled back from the exhibit.  He suddenly couldn’t remember why he had moved so close to the tank, or why no one else seemed to be interested in the mammals.  Buck forced himself to walk further away, gripping the side of the gurney tightly, as if it would somehow save him from the water, from whatever magnetic pull it had on him only a few moments ago.

    But as the 118 headed back towards their truck, he couldn’t help but look back over his shoulder.

    And Daniel was still there, staring at him until they were out of sight. 

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