I’m by no means a morning person. Everyone I know (especially at work) knows not to talk to me until at least 2 cups of coffee and after 9am at the earliest unless you come bearing gifts such as coffee. This morning, I was grabbing a patient and one of my coworkers says to me “Sweetie, you’re vibe is off today, are you okay??” Now this coworker is very quiet, reserved, and very observant so for her to feel a shift in my vibe, it says something to me. That question put me right into my head. What is my vibe today?
I was woken up around 345am by my ex. I like to call him my epic ex because I believe we all have that one epic love and he is it for me. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to change names in my own blog or if I’m supposed to have permission to use them but, fuck it. Tyler.
What can I say about Tyler? A lot. And a whole lot of nothing at the same time. We were unconventional and likely toxic from the beginning. But to say I love this man is an understatement. We have been through hell and back and we try very hard to maintain our friendship because it seems neither one of us can be without the other in some way. There is this invisible connector that holds us together and always brings us back to each other. He makes me crazy, he makes me smile, he makes me cry, laugh, question my sanity, question my ability to love and be loved, question life. He never lets me settle for anything less than the best because even though I don’t believe it he knows I deserve it. In my deepest of hearts I know that he is the best. Just not right now. Tyler doesn’t want to grow up. His life still revolves around partying and I’m well passed that. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love going out and drinking and having a good time. But not every night. He also doesn’t know how to stop sticking his dick in a pretty thing with two legs and a pussy. Yes, he’s a cheater. And before you start the “oh my gosh that’s trash I would never be with someone who cheats, once a cheater always a cheater” blah blah blah bullshit, hear me out. There is something about this man that I cannot shake. I cannot unlove him. And I may be completely naive in thinking he will ever change but I know his heart. I know the potential man he can be. Now. Does that mean I am waiting around for him to be that man? Absolutely fucking not. But, I trust the universe and I know she has put us in each others paths for a damn good reason. Whether it’s to be a muse for a song, to be a testimony for someone else, a murder suicide, I don’t know haha. But it’s something big.
I don’t want to get too much into me and Tyler considering this isn’t a blog about that relationship but, expect to read about him periodically. He’s a big part of my life.
Coffee a liquid hug for my brain.