rex: do you ever want to talk about your feelings cody?
cody: not re-
hardcase: I DO I DO
rex: -sigh- i know, hardcase, i know
0An Open Letter To Myself,
Officially today it has been one month since you took off that baggy orange top, put back on your bra, changed back into your skinny jeans and tie dye shirt and put on your tennis shoes to walk back into the free outside world. One month ago, your life literally turned completely upside down. You became someone that you never thought you’d be in a million years, someone who went to jail. Someone who had to be bailed out by your parents. Someone who caused so much disappointment and pain to the people who gave their lives to raise you.
One month ago your husband (ex) served you with divorce papers. You deserved it, but it was for the best. That’s a part of your life that you needed to let go. The damage you carry isn’t being helped by staying in that marriage. Let it go. There is someone out there that is going to love this story and be in awe by everything you have done to overcome. They won’t let you be ashamed, and they will remind you that the struggle is okay, they are there to do it with you.
All I ask of you is that you learn to let go of some thing that you haven’t quite been able to. Nothing is going to be easy, but continue to keep letting go. Get the courage to write down the things you wish you could say to people or yourself, no matter how much it hurts. It’s scary to put it into words on paper, but gather the courage to write it. Say the things you wished you had said before it happened, the things you want to say, and the apology to yourself that terrifies you. Write down that apology to the people that you think need one. Just write the apology letter.
You have lost so many people in your life and it hurts, but it was bound to happen. Be thankful for the ones you have in your life. The people that were there when everyone else wasn’t. Be grateful for the ones who reached out to you, that you never thought would. The ones who shared in your misery and told you they were struggling as well, but also had very encouraging words. Be grateful for the people who blessed you with kindness when they didn’t have to.
There is no timeline for this. People are going to think you moved on too quickly or that you never should. I don’t know the answer right now, but know you are doing well for how you are at this moment. This moment will go away, and so will many others. Foreword is the only acceptable direction. The hardest part was the loneliness. You felt so alone, and some days you still will, but a lot of that is just having to deal with yourself. It will get better, and it has. Think back to the first night out, what loneliness felt like, you don’t feel that anymore.
Unfortunately this experience comes with a PTSD. The fear every time the phone rings that they will be calling to want you to come in again. The fear that those words will rock through you like they did on the 26th. It is indescribable how your brain shut down, and defense mode and flight mode rushed through you. I’m sure you’ll have more on that later when you can get through reliving and talking about that. Your lawyer said no more jail time and all these other positive things and your PTSD brain can’t believe him. One day you will. Yes, you have been that messed up by this. The grocery store gives you anxiety for gods sake. That has what this has done, given you anxiety and destroyed who you were. Completely okay, leave her behind.
Let’s talk about Hope… a wonderful thing and also the worst feeling in the world. Hope keeps you going, it’s something to hold onto. But that’s just it, it gives you something to hold onto. A lot of time what you are holding onto, this idea of how it’ll be, hurts a hell of a lot more than letting go. It’s okay that you can’t let go of some hope for things. Eventually you need to in order to stop adding to the pile.
These next couple months you will have some terrible days, and some good days, but the best days are coming. Patience is a bitch, but you will put her in her place and find the new best days. Don’t let other people’s ideas on how you should be define your movement forward. It’s going to be so hard, but at some point you have to be brave enough to just go. Remember being told to rot in hell, remember being called disgusting, remember it all, remember the comments and use them as a path to your new life.
I know some days you want to hit the rewind button, or some way to just make it all go away. Neither are an option, put on your big girl pants and get over yourself. Seriously, get over yourself. Yes, this is a terrible event, but it’s one event. Welcome to how life works, this won’t be the only time something bad happens. It won’t be this bad again, but not everything in life is good.
I want you to remember that you cried the entire time you wrote this. You needed the cry and this is a reminder that no matter what you are going through, don’t ever let the hateful part of yourself win. Don’t let the part of you that wants to run away and crawl in a hole win. Cry, scream, run yourself ragged with work, overwork yourself in the gym, but don’t let their comments, or judgement win. This does define your story, but carry this with you, proudly wear that necklace and remember this struggle. These are your battle scars, don’t hide them, celebrate all they have done and will do for you.
In the words of Brene Brown, give yourself permission. Write yourself a permission slip. Here is yours.
I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO FEEL. TO LET GO AND FORGIVE MYSELF. I AM DEFINED BY MY ACTIONS, BUT EVEN MORE SO BY HOW I MOVE FORWARD. IT IS OKAY TO FEEL HAPPY AND LAUGH. IT IS OKAY TO SHOW STRENGTH AND NOT LET EVERYONE BE IN YOUR LIFE.
0“But then, she cried for me.” he said. “She wept like a child for someone whose heart has been empty for so long. Someone who has forgotten what it feels like—to have tears falling from his eyes. Someone who has been yearning—to cry his heart out loud.”
stars are dropping, one by one // ma.c.a
28
feb 28, 2021 (59/365)
-happy sunday!
-slept in today
-changed my bedsheets
-trevin picked me up & we ate inside umaki
-also got some feng cha before he dropped me off
-couldn’t relate more to this meme lol
0i shoulsnt have opened up like that i got too honest and now shes upset with me and i dont know why and shes mad and i dont know why and fuck im freaking out im so goddamn scare di sont know what i djd
i told her luterally the thing im scared of most about myself the thing i hate the MOST about myself and she passe d over it so i was like uh okay guess shes cool but apparently its my fault giada and i dont conect? and i dont know what i did and i dont know why shes amd and why shes blaming me and why shes saying im not open i opened up about EVERYTHING i dont
i dont get it. i domt get it and my heart hurts and breathing hurts and i dont wanna go to school anymre
0I’m so tired
I’ve been feeling detached from reality for the longest time now. Things have lost their meanings and meaningless things make me cry. Nothing feels real anymore, but the nightmares that wake me up at night. I’m so tired
0“And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in.”
— Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility
0You have been waiting for her
Being quiet for not getting hurt
Then you realise it comes false
Let your heart break and cry in its silence
You wouldn’t have regretted
As you know the feeling doesn’t force
And if letting go means healing the seasons
Thus, you have to keep bold and leave it
_bghr
0
