I used to think that I felt Alien.
Sticking out in the crowd, not quite fitting in. Only offering abstract thoughts to a world that seemed to defy my character. I assumed I was misplaced, that somehow in this sea of wander and frustrating commodities, I was the one sticking out in the world.
As of recently, though, I have felt very clearly Human in nature.
The thing is the two feelings are quite similar and often muddled in perspective. The only difference being age and understanding.
To clarify, when I was younger, from about 4 up until more recently, I had always felt as though I was the odd one out. No one really wanted to be friends with me, I was either annoying or ugly. I often got picked last for things because of my weight, and I wasn’t allowed to say “no” to anyone because of that. People pleasing was grafted into my Survival Tactics with ease, and eventually became so natural in my actions that “everyone loved me”.
I still felt wrong, though. As if being myself was too much of an inconvenience for this world. As if saying “no” to anyone would surely result in desolate solitude and continuous abandonment. Nothing I enjoyed or liked matched anyone else, and I liked it that way for a very long time. Being different, feeling alien, felt good.
Like I said, though, the big difference between feeling alien and all-too-human is only time. And realizing how very similar I was to everyone else was not only a disheartening wake-up call, but it also proved to be the slow downfall of my own mental health.
I had never been called “Human” until someone informed me, “You’re just like everyone else. Fucking Human’s, the lot of you are all the same.”
I had always referenced that same sentence in passing thoughts, allowing it to create a rift between myself and everyone else. When being told I was just like everyone else, I was obviously hurt. Or, my ego was, at least.
In that moment, I was highly aware of not only my innately human traits, but also of my mundane lifestyle. The idea of losing my individuality not only bit me in the ass, but also stunted my growth. If I was such a sheep, so wearisome and basic, then how could I move forward?
The thing about separating yourself from humanity for so long, is that once you learn of your own hypocrisies, your own humanity, you kind of just….spiral at first.
I made a drastic decision to try and feel different again after that.
I didn’t want to be cocky, I didn’t want to be cruel or judgmental. I also didn’t want people to walk all over me. Finding that balance I have never been able to satisfy before.
I did a few small things, like buying lingerie, to make myself feel better. I also did a few radical things, like almost developing an eating disorder. I was living to please another, yearning for the attention and needing to be different. When someone stereotypes you, you try hard to break it. And you still end up becoming the stereotype.
Obviously, these newer tactics to revamp myself didn’t pan out the way I planned. I ended up throwing up in front of my boyfriend simply at the mention of a past affection he had for someone and furthered the sting with a tantrum in a failed attempt at trying to express my turmoil.
My short point at this rate….I tried too hard in an endeavor to be discrete. To be new. To NOT be myself.
I took to heart a line that I, myself, used to convey my very own frustrations. In times where I felt people were wrong or as though people had wronged me, I felt completely alien. But this was the one time I felt very human, and I fucking hated it. I didn’t want to be human anymore. I didn’t want to live anymore.
It’s tough. Because I never wanted the person I love to see me throw myself to the ground in a fit of rage and hurt screaming how much I hated myself. I never wanted to fall into the hyperventilating panic-attack again, and I did just that.
Through the worst mindset I had ever gone through, I was reacting like a toddler. And I hated myself even further for it. Wanting to punch myself because no matter how many times I tried explaining myself, it only made things worse. I felt worse, too. I felt like if I moved, I’d sink. And if I stayed still, I’d explode.
I often blamed myself for not communicating right. I felt like I was the problem and the reason I couldn’t convey my emotions correctly. Like every effort I put in was so off from the result that I should just give into the pain all together
and bash my head in.
Ever since that day, I’ve done nothing but reflect.
Sitting in my thoughts and pondering how I even got to that point. And it reaches back much further than simply being called human, I believe.
I feel like this all started when I got sick in 2019. When I was 20, as some of you may know, I got extremely sick with a stomach problem that doctors never really did solve. It was, at first, a week straight of nothing but vomiting and eating nothing. Hospital told me it was a stomach bug, but the problem never stopped after a week. I would wake up the same time every morning and throw up everything in my stomach. No matter the day, it never failed. This went on for over a year. It stopped once I left my job as an Advocate, but then started the tinge of pain in my ovaries. I would hurt even if I wasn’t on my period and even had pain during sex.
I noticed that I was so happy before I got sick. I was confident, I was elated and I was learning to love myself. It’s hard to love yourself when your body feels wrong, despite your efforts. When you can’t perform the same things others can because your body won’t let you. It’s a lack of control over my body that kills me. But, that mindset will also be the reason I never see change.
Navigating my reflections at this point started shifting in perspectives. I started realizing that being human wasn’t a terrible thing. Being myself isn’t wrong, and every single human has their own very intricate problems that they themselves get to navigate. I am a part of the learning curve and growing experience not only for myself, but for others as well.
Being human doesn’t just mean evil and anguish. It is also the greatest kindness you can experience. It means awareness, understanding and cognitive thinking. None of us are perfect, but we were never promised perfect in the first place. And yet, we strive, everyday. We try.
The idea that one person is more interesting than the other is totally subjective, and life is too short to not enjoy the things that make you happy. Whether you find comfort in books, or sports, doesn’t matter. Whether you look thicker than a snicker or lithe like a lilac, doesn’t matter. What matters are the very human traits you embrace and love in yourself and others, including the ugly. As a matter of fact, I see myself in others more recently, and even find my battles not being battles anymore, rather tasks to accomplish.
I’m not perfect. And I will have my bad days, but that doesn’t mean the rest of my life has to be a total sob story. I don’t have to be mean to myself in order to grow.
Making myself aware of these negative human traits in my life isn’t a bad thing. Making myself aware has started making it possible for me to accept and heal myself. To get to the deeper root of my emotional attachment and learn to break the bond that holds me back. It’s been teaching me to stop trying so hard and to simply be.
It’s much harder than anticipated, too. But no one ever expects to feel these feelings, I’m sure. And no one ever really expects anyone else to be going through something similar. We don’t ask for it, and yet we all experience that detachment from reality in an attempt to make ourselves feel better about us being human.
Acceptance, I’ve learned, doesn’t mean laying down. It doesn’t mean not trying. And it doesn’t mean failing. Acceptance is preserving yourself and thoughts. Acceptance is knowing who you are and knowing that growth comes with experience, and that’s okay. What you know now may be different later. It’s the openness to growth that expands your person.
It’s time to simply live, and let be. I never understood that quote until now. And I never cherished time to myself until I lost it. Letting go is hard, and stopping the worried kid inside of me is very much like re-parenting myself. It’s like seeing the kid me crying, and rather than screaming at her, I want to comfort and love her. She deserves to be healed, not damaged any further.
I will read more. I will dance when I am happy. I will sing when I want to. I will not take things personally. I will be myself, unapologetically. It’s time. I’ve known it’s been time but….it’s time.
Thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far. This entry, along with my other entries, are simply journal entries that assist my processing and coping techniques. If you relate or if you feel the need to say something, feel free to! I am always open to listening and opening dialogue!
You are appreciated and recognized. Thank you.
So I’ve been thinking about priests. I know they can’t get married or have sex (at least in some forms of religion). But, can they still be in love with someone and have a life partner? The priest and his loved one could spend their lives just being together. Enjoying each other’s company. They don’t need to have sex or get married. They could still be happy and in love. It would be a happy asexual relationship. I don’t see a reason why this wouldn’t be allowed.So I’ve been thinking about priests. I know they can’t get married or have sex (at least in some forms of religion). But, can they still be in love with someone and have a life partner? The priest and his loved one could spend their lives just being together. Enjoying each other’s company. They don’t need to have sex or get married. They could still be happy and in love. It would be a happy asexual relationship. I don’t see a reason why this wouldn’t be allowed.
Just cute and Innocent Rabbit
The Apartment, 1996. Dir. Gilles Mimouni
no parking, bus loading zone
“All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. You heard me say, “I am going away and I am coming back to you” if you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. I will not say much more to you, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold over me, but he comes so that the world may learn that I love the Father and do exactly what my Father has commanded me, “Come now; Let us leave.”
– John 14: 25-31 (NIV)
“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit– fruit that will last– and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.”
– John 15: 12-17 (NIV)
when you’re feeling lonely and sad at night, who do you want by your side, that tells you “everything will be alright”?
every time people ask me how you are doing it still hurts
sometimes i ask myself if i’ll find love.
i respond with:
someday, you’ll find someone who loves you as much as you love them.
And you’ll finallybe happy.
I never fell in love in with anyone. Sure, I’ve had a crush here and there. But sometimes I just wonder. Am I capable of loving someone? Is anyone capable of loving me?
there’s too much people in my life but that person is still the only one for me. luv u.
Imagine your favorite character that wears glasses at first accidentally falls asleep whilst still wearing them. So everytime you see this you take them off, putting their glasses on the side and then cover them with a warm blanket. Eventually they become aware of this and leave them on just so they could witness you doing this. Smiling to themself once you leave to go to the other room, thinking about how much they love you and that they need to do something for you, to repay you for all care and kindness.
Bonus: if you see them peaking but smile to yourself.
Other Bonus: They open their eyes when you turn to put them on the side and gently take your hand to kiss it, then tell you ‘Thank you~” and/or ‘I love you so much~”.