I set myself up for the second response honestly.
I set myself up for the second response honestly.
Though I complain about the loneliness, im usually actually pretty content and happy being single.
But recently I’ve been noticing how much easier couples have it. Like double income, 2 people paying rent. There are exceptions, but mostly im surrounded by people who have it better.
And this is frustrating cause like..now im not only lonely, but feeling so behind.
♥️Balance your relationship & Self-Love ♥️
💕Because you are equally as important. It is okay to take care of your partner, however it should be an equal give & take partnership. Don’t forget to practice self-love & Self-care because you also matter. ♥️
#equalpartnership #relationshipgoals #relationships #love #lovers #spiritualawakening #spiritualpartnership #goals #lovegoals #spiritualawakening #selflove #selfcare #selflovejourney #kings #queens #empowerment #empoweredwomenempowerwomen #empowering
After watching the movie “The Lunchbox”, I immediately called my elder sister over whatsapp video and asked her if she had had the chance to watch the movie as well. To which she denied, so I played the movie on my laptop and over whatsapp video I showed her the glimpse of Sajan Farnandese, played by the late actor Irrfan Khan, and by the end of it, she said “Isn’t he exactly like Manoj Chacha?”
We had a great laugh on this subject. Manoj Chacha is the Sajan Farnandese in our life. He is my father’s second cousin, who lived two houses right to our home in the neighborhood, back in village. The grumpy, cranky and always with a bad temper, middle-aged man. He never comes to any family functions, that we organise in our ancestor’s home, neither does he invite us because he never celebrates one. He lives alone with his bedridden mother.
If at all we invade in his premises accidentally, he gives a sour look and chases us away from his balcony.
While watching the movie, I thought if he too had similar thoughts and vulnerability like Sajan had. Eating lumpy food, smoking alone in his balcony and peeping out of his lonely life at other’s lives through a small opening in windows. If he misses someone he had longed to be with, and express his hearty content with anyone, a sense of pity took over my childishly foolish feelings.
So didi and I were discussing how misjudged that man is and how terribly we had behaved with him without knowing his shoes, in which he has walked all his life.
We added my father in the same video call and asked him about Manoj Chacha. My father informed us that he has sold his house and has moved to the USA two years ago. He was a very bright student and was selected in one of the best colleges in India but he couldn’t pursue his career because his mother had a severe stroke then. She was bedridden since then and he became a dedicated son taking care of his mother, leaving his career behind.
Two years ago when his mother died, he too let himself free.
We ended out conversation but the thoughts kept lingering in my mind.
Today I was feeling bad, like I sometimes do, especially in 2020. I felt like I don’t do enough as a spouse. I just sunk into one of those “everyone would be better off without me” kind of holes where you google weird shit to confirm how awful you are.
I ended up on a site with a list of “how to be a better partner when you’re a piece of shit” or something and all the advice was “Instead of starting a hobby or trying to love your partner more, you should give your heart to Jesus instead. That will fix everything”
I just can’t believe an imaginary friend is going to fix any issues I have in my relationship. What awful advice.
In my heart of course I know how to fix these issues. Get therapy. Talk to partner. Stick to a budget.
But I don’t have insurance so therapy isn’t exactly obtainable for me, an American.
I do talk to my partner, we’re fine, but I just get sad sometimes when I look at the state of things and can’t immediately fix everything. We have a budget, but our incomes don’t cover all our bills. TBH a stimulus check would fix a LOT of problems but the Senate has chosen to just sit on any stimulus package for Americans.
My partner works in a job that puts them almost directly in the line of COVID positive people. They wear a mask and are behind plexiglass but it still worries me.
It’s just a lot. And I don’t believe in God. Advice from some website to just “force” yourself to believe is ridiculous. I can’t force anyone to not believe in God yet somehow they think it’s just a choice. That you can just choose to believe in their specific God and not feel like a complete fraud, adding to your already prominent Imposter Syndrome.
The idea that just “having faith” fixes everyone’s problems is insane to me. I’ve known people who “have faith” who are just as depressed and lost as anyone else - and what do their church leaders tell them? Believe harder. Have more faith. Not, “See a therapist” or “Have a serious talk with your spouse” or even advice regarding self-care. Just “have faith”. Having faith isn’t going to make your life better if you aren’t willing to put in the work and effort to make your life better.
Know Yourself #63
I use to want to have a boyfriend who was strong and made me feel safe and protected. However, the more these boyfriends hurt me mentally and emotionally the more I decided I didn’t want to depend on them to take care of my physically either.
At first I started training in martial arts as an “oh this is just in case a guy isn’t here to protect me” but as the years have passed the more I don’t want to ever depend on someone, especially a boyfriend, to protect me. That self-reliance has trickled into how I go through my daily life and I’ve stopped waiting on a man to help me achieve the things I want and I feel so free knowing, despite what society says, you don’t need someone to have the things you want in life. Don’t let your lack of a relationship hold you back.
Total bummer aye? Always next year.
And we were in it for a pretty long time
As a person who finds it difficult if not just about impossible to touch someone without their permission (read: needs verbal consent, but to a ridiculous degree of granularity), let alone touch them in a sexual way (or admit to even ourselves that we want to), we still feel we’re pretty affectionate people when we can be. The thing is, we never have been able to. Let’s put aside our lack of relationships in which we could even try to be more us in that way, it wouldn’t surprise me if we stick around for some of this anyway because that’s what’s familiar. Not to mention some feeling of desperation, as being “touch starved” implies, something we used to say a lot. I think we can say even with our limited experience that we are drawn towards those who aren’t available, just like our parents weren’t, ha. Hooray for disordered attachment.
Asking others for reassurance with regards to this is kind of tricky, because it’s fucking annoying, we know this. I think too, with regards to OCD, for those who we’re asking for reassurance, to validate our thoughts, it’s sometimes best that they just, don’t do that. I’m not sure the way to approach it, but I think if the asks become unnecessarily repetitive, that’s when to cut it off. But what if they’re unnecessary in the first place? Like, who needs permission to think about someone sexually? Well, I do, or did, but we shoulda known that as long as we’re not making our problem their problem, it should be fine.
Usually we’d go to Google for things like these, to get a general idea of the Internet’s opinion on things and… oops, that’s a compulsion. Ah, well, maybe we’ll just ask our sister, or ask our partner, or… yeah, no. Same difference really. While the final decision is ultimately ours as to what we feel is right and wrong, we’re trying to ease our anxiety by offloading some of the responsibility on to others. That’s not cool. Sometimes we feel that we need to though, cause it isn’t just our decision to make when it involves other people. The saying, “I can do anything,” does not apply. Would it be appropriate to drop the non-aggression axiom here, or nah, let’s not open up that can of worms.
Back to the top. The fact of the matter is that if we had someone we could cuddle with every night, that would be pretty awesome. When we express that desire in a relationship and it’s conflated with some sort of sense of entitlement for access to someone else’s body however, that just blows our fucking mind. We do understand where it’s coming from, don’t get me wrong, but it is so disorienting being associated in any way with those sorts of people, and when it comes to the topic of physical and sexual intimacy it happens all the time. And so we’re afraid to express our wants and desires, we tell ourselves that what we want doesn’t matter, as long as they’re happy, we’ll take any breadcrumbs they give us and be happy with those, because otherwise we’re just being selfish, entitled. Whether or not that’s the truth, it doesn’t matter, cause that’s our internal dialog and it’s being reinforced not only by the fears of society, but also by those that we’re closest to.
The weirdest feeling is seeing your relationship with your dad
Play out in your relationship with your brother,
Play out in your relationship with your lover,
And looking at it all
And wanting to say that it’s not your fault
That people find it hard to love you.
They love you,
They’re just human too, but
Just because something’s entirely unintentional
Doesn’t mean it’s not impactful.
How can you blame someone
And yet how can you not?
You don’t have to feel pathetic for clutching a teddy bear to your chest any night,
But you especially don’t have to feel pathetic for clutching a teddy bear to your chest tonight.
There were signs well before I knew it was an option
When they love you the way that you need to be loved, they leave no doubts in your heart. Not a single one.
Best pickup line I’ve received. I don’t even had a kid.
💓10 THINGS STRONG WOMEN NEVER DO IN LOVE RELATIONSHIPS ❤