Nothing endures, nothing is final
Nothing endures, nothing is final
And this theme park has been closed down wayyyyy too long 😂😂
And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threestrand cord is not quickly broken.
— Ecclesiastes 4:12 | Third Millennium Bible (TMB)
Third Millennium Bible, New Authorized Version, Copyright 1998 by Deuel Enterprises, Inc. All rights reserved.
Cross References: Ecclesiastes 4:11; Ecclesiastes 4:13
Find you’ve got cold feet now that it’s time to jump into the deep end? Here’s what it could mean for your relationship.
Virginity is my passion
Im killing my plants with overwatering, just how i kill my relationships.
Would you like
To pull me into pieces?
Do you pick this battle?
I never saw skin
I desired enough
To kill for,
But I have lost sleep
I failed to kiss.
I do not like
How people trip over heels
But I fall quickly,
So damn quickly,
I could break my neck.
It is never about the body.
To crawl closer
To a bedmate.
I don’t fight for love.
I dread being a busted soldier
After placing myself in harm’s -
I mean love’s -
Throw me under a bus.
My ears burn
When a sweetheart
Enter the room,
But I wouldn’t
Ache for more than companionship.
I am convinced
A rabid beast pulls roughly my heartstrings,
It never learned to be gentle.
I don’t know
How to want
I meet a soul
I’ve known them
My whole life.
It makes me bleed. Everywhere.
I do not let myself
Look at the wounds.
I cannot fall too deeply into the cut.
I wouldn’t be able
To pull myself
So I fall quickly,
Over and over,
Then I sanitize the scratches.
My own words
Can hurt me the most,
But the sting wakes me up every time.
What is the use
Of suffering love?
Why do we do it?
I could fall for anybody;
But I know
I wouldn’t be enough for anyone
Because I won’t
Hurt myself over and over
For something as plain as love.
If I fall apart,
I might not get back the pieces -
What if someone keeps a few for themselves?
I never share a lover’s secrets,
Perhaps because I have so few.
Or maybe it’s because
I’ve been there myself
With my shattered heart
All over all the news.
I do not know how to love
Without killing what’s in me,
So let me ask again,
“Do you pick this battle?”
You’re gauranteed a win,
But can you deal with the cost
Of all my stitches?
I do not fight for love
So you can take the first punch.
- Shae Sheehan
I feel alone whenever my GF enters a “tired” episode
TLDR - GF is good being on her own. Whenever she tells me she is moody/tired she likes her own space. This moody/tired episode can last quite some time. I want to try to be there for her physically and emotionally but I feel like she doesn’t give me the opportunity to.
My GF and I (F) live 15-20mins away from each other. We see each other once a week (if possible) and sometimes if I am lucky, I’ll get to see her more than once a week. She’s been busy working 5 days a week and doing online schooling 2 days a week. She is an introvert and with work, it really drains her. She is the type to need to sleep for a couple days to regain her energy.
At the beginning of COVID, we went through a rough patch. She was unemployed for the first 3 months of the quarantine period. Just like a lot of “distanced” couples, we utilized technology to keep in touch. Here is the problem. Unlike me, my GF is not the type to be glued to her phone. I’m on my phone 24/7 and will respond ASAP. She’s told me that I’m the only person she texts regularly. Prior to dating me, she would possibly respond to her friends’ messages every couple of days (unless it was something urgent). She values her own space and time a lot. Her being so good on her own is something that effects me.
As the quarantining period went on, I felt her being more and more distant from me. Eventually we talked less and that’s when I confronted her about the problem. Fast forward to June and we talked everything out. She told me that at the beginning of quarantine she just got so used to being on her own (she lives with family) that she kinda didn’t know how to do this whole “distanced-dating” thing. She just forgot how to be in a relationship while she spent all that time away from me.
It’s hard when our relationship relies so much on texting/FaceTiming and when those things start to diminish, I start to freak out. Every time I’ve told her how I feel sad whenever she is tired or in a mood, she just tells me that I have to understand that she’s incapable of doing anything whenever she is tired. It sucks because I miss her so much and not talking to her just kills me on the inside. Whenever she is tired and sad I just want to be physically there for her but she pushes me away. I can’t even be with her through the phone. She just closes me off whenever she feels a tad bit negative and it’s making me so sad.
I love her so much and I don’t want to lose her. But this is something that I personally have been struggling with and that’s being there for someone I love so dearly when they are so emotionally closed off when they’re feeling sad/tired. I want to be able to give her her space and not overthink the whole situation. Anyone got some tips as to how I can handle myself?
Who else can relate?
Well, that was quick. R—– and I are already done. Almost as fast as it started it finished. Our breakup isn’t a terribly interesting story, so I’ll just give you, dear reader, the cliffs notes of the whole relationship
Pre-relationship (~2 weeks)
- Lots of sex
- great vibes from R—–
- Holy shit, she could be the one, she’s everything perfect in a girlfriend for me
- Sex drive that matches mine
- Smokes with me
Relationship (~8 weeks)
- Gives me chlamydia*
- No sex for a week because we’re both on medication for said chlamydia
- (Side note, did you know the cure for chlamydia is like 1 pill and then no sex for a week? that’s fuckin it! why does health class make std’s seem like the end of the world?)
- We smoke a fuckton
- She actually does things for me like bring me stuff at work, I do things for her like randomly bring her food
- Meet her friends, they’re cool; is this what a real relationship is like? This is great!
- meds give her a terrible yeast infection, no sex for another week
- past two weeks with no sex we’ve been connecting other ways, talking and having a good time overall. So weird to be in a relationship where sex isn’t the only thing keeping us together..
- finally gets better, have a day where we go all over campus and fuck in a bunch of empty classrooms and one poor, poor TA’s office. Sorry, TA.
- Gets sick and has to go on more antibiotics, so no sex for another week (some antibiotics lead to yeast infections in some girls. Who knew?)
- Kind of frustrating, but find other ways to connect like before
- Things are going pretty well, we both really like each other, i have no major complaints other than how much she talks about cocaine, but she hasn’t done it in months so it’s not a major concern. This is probably how T—a felt when I talked about shrooms or weed
- Keeps being sick for another week, inexplicably (The whole relationship there was about 5 total days we had sex, fun fact)
- Finally cured, have lots of sex again
- meet her mom
- Things are going really well, I’ve never liked someone as a person this much, and liked everything else about them this much. She seems so perfect for me. She barely has any flaws in my eyes**
- Say the dreaded “L-word”, but for the first time in my entire life, I actually meant it. I managed to wait just over a month to say it too, which may be a record for me
- Oh boy, we’re in love! Nothing can stop us now. We’ll probably get married. Oh boy!
- She sees that her ex has a new girlfriend and becomes very upset. It’s understandable. They dated for a year and a half, and it’s been 6 months since they broke up. She still is emotional about it
- She gets deeply depressed. Both because of her ex’s girlfriend and because she even cares about her ex still
- She cuts
- For a week she is thrown into a deep depression
- I try to be supportive, but don’t know what to do
- She’s still depressed
- It’s not fucking going away
- What happened. Oh my god what fucking happened. Everything is falling apart
- We hang out all weekend, like we normally do, and I sleep over both nights, like I normally did
- The next morning she’s weird. She tells me her whole bed smells like my sweat (it did, so my bad) and it’s really annoying
- I go home, kind of hurt from the whole ordeal, but can’t really blame her
- She texts me a slurry of other complaints about me
- I’m hurt
- We hang out that night anyway
- Things are weird.
- I’m afraid to even touch her, because one of the things she said was I touch her too much.
- She doesn’t talk to me so I’m just sitting in a crowd of her friends, depressed.
- She doesn’t seem to like me anymore
- In the following days she stops saying she loves me
- I don’t know whats wrong
- We get in more and more arguments over stupid things
- She’s stressed because she realizes she will likely be working as a nanny the rest of her life unless she makes a major change, and she doesn’t want to make a major change
- She doesn’t want to tell me about what’s stressing her out anymore, I guess because I’m bad at knowing what to say
- She gets so upset with me we decide to take a break
Break (~5 days)
- R—– basically says she doesn’t feel ready to be in a relationship with me right now, but maybe in the future we could be
- Says “I don’t want to be dating you right now, but I don’t want to lose you either”
- I get really drunk to cope with my feelings and don’t tell anyone about what’s happening
- We have a pretty good time, until C—s drunkenly calls his sort of girlfriend who lives in CA and they might as well not be dating?? (i’m not sure it’s really complicated)
- she dumps him
- We eventually all crash
- I get a phone call at 4:30 am
- R—– is on campus
- She was hanging out with C—s but wants to see me
- I go talk to her
- She tells me basically what happened was she talked to her ex, and said she still loved him and asked how he got over her so fast because she wasn’t over him
- said she still loved him
- I’m extremely hurt
- Tell her it’s okay, we can work it out
- Go back to bed because it’s fucking 5 am at this point
- Wake up to a text from her
- we get in another argument, stemmed by her saying “stop saying it’s okay”. I’m not sure what she wanted me to say instead, but when I said otherwise the night before she said we should just break up. I didn’t want to break up
- argument escalates
- call her
- over the phone she tells me it would be better if we were just friends
- depressed for a few days
- R—– keeps trying to contact me
- i keep trying to contact her
- mutual friend says to give each other some space***
- mutual friend, C—s and I all hang out
- I get very drunk and begin talking to R—–
- tell her how unfair this all is
- how much it’s hurting me
- guilt tripped her a little too much maybe
- but it was all true
- feel sort of better
- leave her alone a few more days
- she texts me again saying she doesn’t want to be in a relationship at all
- asks if i want to be her fuckbuddy
- thinking with my dick, I consider it
- she says there may be others
- I say i’m not interested then
- try to move on
- just want to see her one more time
- ask to see her
- she says “I don’t really want to see you right now”
- really hurts
- I tell her to fuck off, I don’t want to hear from her again
- we argue one last time, but it ends with this text:
R—–: I do care I hurt you a lot. Scott had me on fucking suicide watch this weekend, so don’t you dare say I don’t care. You don’t even fucking know.
R—–: I’m sorry I thought you weren’t a dick I guess.
Me: You know what the fucked up thing is? You did this. You dumped me. You can’t get over your alcoholic piece of shit ex, so you dumped me. Not because I did anything wrong (unless texting you too much was really THAT much of an issue), but because you couldn’t get over your ex. Do you have any idea how it feels to be told by someone you love that they are happier because you haven’t talked to them in a week? Do you have any clue how fucking upset i’ve been because you put me in this purgatory of not wanting to date me, but not wanting to lose me? Why am I a dick? What the fuck did I do other than tell you I don’t want to be your sex toy to make you think I’m a dick? I loved you and you pushed me away, just like everyone else apparently. So don’t kill yourself because you’re getting exactly what you want.
(Exact transcript of text messages sent that day)
- And then it was over.
So that’s been my first month of school. As a result of being wrapped up in that shitshow, my grades have been slipping (straight B’s, relax), and I’m still kind of a mess. It’s a good thing I got out of it though, because in those first few weeks, where everything was good, I was overlooking a lot. Even though this was a lot healthier than every relationship I’ve ever been in prior, I was still overlooking a lot of flaws. To quote Wanda from Bojack Horseman, “When you look at someone through rose-colored lenses, all the red flags just look like flags”.
When you look at someone through rose-colored lenses, all the red flags just look like flags. Red fucking flags.
I wish I didn’t get so emotional about girls I’ve known for 30 days.
*I’d just like to point out, she did not, in fact, give me chlamydia. She merely made me go into the Dr’s office to get a chlamydia test because she had it. The test came back negative. Now the difference here is pretty pedantic, but I want it known to god and the world that the white blood cells in my dick are so fucking powerful, that I did not contract this disease, I was merely exposed to it. – (06/24/20)
**Not to be all basic tumblr, but, “Oh my sweet summer child.” She was so fucked, [fraudulence-paradox]. How did you, in your naive 19 year old mind, not see that? – 07/07/20
***Note from the future: “mutual friend” is M—- — 12/6/16
concept: we are walking through an old city. our fingers are intertwined and you’re marveling at the architecture. While the architecture is gorgeous, you’re the one I’m marveling at.
I still get butterflies before I see you; every time.