These days are burdens. I feel so near to having my life the way I want it– and so frustrated with where I still am and the problems I am still dealing with.
Since January my life has been dominated by my financial situation. When I left Richard I was behind on all my bills– had borrowed money from Marijean for deposit on my apartment and had to come up with the first month’s rent very shortly. That situation has perpetuated itself for ten long months now– and the constant pressure of being broke has taken me to the limits of mental exhaustion. I drink and get stoned because it is only when I am totally narcotized that the worrying seems to be alleviated.
And then, about a week ago, the horror stories from Missouri resume. This time she leaves him and goes to her mother’s house. In the scuffle he hurts Grandma Cline, hits Aunt Ann over the head with a gun, and throws Laura Lee around. Uncle Bud comes to the rescue and when the police and ambulance arrive he is giving my father a rather sound beating. My father spends the night in jail– next day my mother tells her lawyer to proceed with divorce proceedings which have been pending since March. Aunt Ann files charges against my father.
Meanwhile, no one has heard anything from him. He vowed to Uncle Bud that “he owed him one.” So the family is waiting in fear for the crazy man to strike again. My mother, penniless, can’t even drive because he broke her car windshield. I sent her $30 to pay bills with– which I have to borrow from Arlene.
Then today, Lynn is driving my car when the motor stops and she parks the car in Georgetown illegally in rush hour and leaves it. The sticker has expired, I can’t get it inspected because I can’t afford the repairs. It has no license on the front. When I get home from work, Richard drives me there to see if it will start. The car is gone. Furious I have him bring me home. He calls me later to tell me that it wasn’t towed (he called the police department) but moved onto a side street. So we have to go back later to get it– IF it will start.
claude laydu in diary of a country priest (1951) dir. robert bresson
Ella Raines | 1946
Victorian Mansion in Tunkhannock, Pennsylvania, USA
Your soul is hunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead
– Naomi Smith –
self love project. 18/01/20
19.01.2020 , polaroid by myself
“Centaur Kiss” by Georges Léonnec (1881 - 1940)
Cover for La Vie Parisienne (1924)
Two of my favorite dolls
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color.