did anyone ask for fatui found family hc’s?? no???? too bad anyway here’s my 300 page doc on why the harbingers + the tsaritsa are the ultimate villain found family trope and in this essay i will—
welcome to the fatui found family where their all trying to kill each other every other day. the tsaritsa is this close to just sending them all to group therapy. she doesn’t because she’s 90% sure their all just gonna traumatize any therapist she sends them to instead
like they are all a mess. scaramouche got abandoned by his creator on Sight and has Not been dealing with it well. childe literally got thrown into the abyss when he was like, what, 9? and forced to learn how to fight or he would die. now he’s just. vague gesturing. Like That. signora lost her lover during the cataclysm and was regarded as a monster. witch? yes. dottore...he’s just like that actually. he’s the weird edgy kid who’s like 37 but still stuck in their mcr phase
the first thing childe did with the polar star was a) immediately try it out b) immediately, also, ended up shooting scaramouche. dottore also got taken out because he laughed so hard he almost passed out
also signora, canonically, being older then scara is. something. scara refuses to accept it.
for reference the ages from oldest to youngest is; signora, scaramouche, dottore, childe
signora because she was alive before the cataclysm, since her lover died during it, scara because he was made sometime after once ei tried to make a puppet to rule over inazuma while she was in the poe, childe last because it’s canon he’s the youngest, which leaves dottore and he just. gives me awkward socially inept 37 y/o vibes. in conclusion dottore is a boomer and regularly falls for childe’s dumb jokes
teucer, bless him, ended up meeting each of the harbingers separately and now he has a bunch of new siblings!
who also happen to be some of the strongest people in Snezhnaya but its okay he doesnt know that. everyone else does though! so all he has to say is he’s going to call his big sister signora and everyone clears out.
he just thinks she’s well respected. she’s got a Super Important job after all! he doesn’t know what she does but she spoils him during the holidays and his bday so he doesn’t ask
scara is Awkward and doesnt know how to deal with kids but he tries. he usually just takes teucer out for food, or plays with him by letting him order around some unfortunate fatui. sometimes he’ll relent and show off his electro because teucer thinks its pretty
dottore is worse, somehow. but are we really surprised. he ends up babysitting teucer when no one else is avaliable, but its just him ranting about his latest experiment (heavily censored because. that is a CHILD, DOTTORE) and yknow. teucer doesn’t understand like 99% of the words he says but thats okay he gets candy afterwards :]
he doesn’t see the Tsaritsa as often but everyone knows she has a bit of soft spot for him. she can’t touch him but he knows better and takes that rule seriously! promise! plus she spoils him worse then signora. he’s basically treated as nothing short of royalty and he doesn’t question a damn thing. head empty
she even made him a fake cryo vision, and uses her power to make it look like he can actually use it.
teucer called her grandma once and childe almost died on the spot. he was ready to RUN. but the tsaritsa thinks its cute
they’ve all just got that ‘i would kill you if given the chance’ but also ‘if anyone hurts you i will make their life a living hell’ yknow? just a ragtag group of traumatized people who found comfort in one another but also if childe says one more thing signora is going to set the entire palace on fire do not test her
it was worse when childe was first inducted into the harbingers. he was even more feral, somehow. he didn’t even ask to spar most of the time he just started flinging hydro and electro around. constantly testing the waters and pranking scara and dottore to see which one would snap first
it was scaramouche.
at least they don’t need to bother with a family dog when they have childe
but also all of them having different names..the tsaritsa uses their actual names only when shes Pissed so if you hear her use it a) run or b) get the fuck out of her warpath
she picks up childe by the back of his shirt like a scrawny cat when he misbehaves
also getting foul legacy childe to take a bath..its, once again, like trying to bath a cat who HATES water
the tsaritsa considers just freezing him in place and washing him but also its. really funny to watch everyone else struggle to do it
hes also really agile in that form like. spiderman climbing up walls levels. everyone is both exasperated and annoyed BECAUSE DAMN IT AJAX GET DOWN FROM THE RAFTERS YOUR SOAKING WET YOU OVERGROWN UNGRATEFUL RAT—
also yknow that meme wheres its a dog on a counter and the women is like. why is he on the counter. because he likes to be tall. thats scaramouche on the counter w dottore, signora and childe. esp w childe and signora’s transformations
he’s so tiny its not their fault he’s so easy to bully
childe mentioned working with scara at some point and teucer was just like?? why do you work with a kid
scaramouche has never lived it down
the first and only time he considered the ramifications of throwing hands with a toddler