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    Daily Thought 2239: You are responsible for the rules you make and the rules you follow.

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  • I am afraid… I kinda need to say this to people because I want to be strong and brave and inspirational but I am just… Too afraid. I am still afraid to have been stalked in the past six years.

    When I was 16een until I was 18een I had a boyfriend that said to me “we need to have sex. It’s too much time we don’t do it and this isn’t normal”.

    You can imagine what kind of person he was.

    I’ve been forced like two times but I remember very clearly the pain and disgust, the fear. Sadly mixed to will to please and be pleased.

    Then I had a boyfriend who rated our intercourses. Once he said that my ass was too big. While we were doing it. I never enjoyed sex with him anymore and now I know why.

    But my greatest mistake was telling my next ex boyfriend how it hurt being physically judged by my previous ex.

    It started slowly. I felt alone, so to cope with it I forced myself to a very abusive relationship.

    I started asking him to behave less like a duche if he wanted to continue our relationship. He seemed very pleased. Because if I was trying to take control, then it meant he could have done the same.

    He first was really interested in everything I was. He watched a lot of anime series with me for example, giving very positive comments about them.

    He defended me when my roommate was abusive with me.

    We never had a discussion or a divergent opinion until…

    He spent too much time with me anyways.

    But then I couldn’t see the red flags, I avoided them.

    He started saying me crying I had a problem called food disorder because he had it and he knew everything about it.

    He started to force me doing things, judging everything I did and, listen carefully dear friends, even things I liked… Yes like anime/manga.

    He started talking shit about my friends and even parents.

    We didn’t see each other for a month (and I wasn’t bothered that much at this point) for the summer break and when he saw me he said he didn’t recognized me for how much I put on weight.

    Every little thing was an excuse for a scene. He shouted at me, expecially in public. He seemed to enjoy doing this a lot.

    He…. And this is the thing I am most ashamed for letting him do… Started to control my intake.

    It started in September. He decided the amount of pasta for my lunch, justifying himself that was for my food disorder. He decided what I should have had for dinner.

    He said I didn’t need a storage of three biscuits packets. He stomped my foot at my uncle house when I dared ate the third slice of pizza. He said I was eating too many apples. I hidden some food in my wardrobe and when I didn’t saw him for three days, while kissing me and touching me he dared to say “have you eaten more in these days?”. Of course at this point is pointless to say I was always turned off around him.

    Every shower I took with him was like “your belly is really round. Have you eaten too much beans and apples?” with a disgusted face.

    I lost 10 kilos in 2 months and I also lost my period because I was underweight.

    He spat on my face. He slapped me, again on my face. Blessed the soul of the African person was passing by, telling him “you should never beat a woman”. I said African because if you live in Italy and you’re African you can easily get murdered for nothing. It was very brave, bless you. I won’t never forget.

    HE said I was a nothing I then I said “why don’t you just leave then?” and he, like a fucking crazy person, he changed his voice and started trying to cuddle me saying I was a tender little flower.

    At this point I wanted to disappear from the world, not exactly thinking about suicide, but my heart was really heavy + hormones I didn’t have because my amenorrhea, so I told him.

    He was scared and the best thing he did out of cowardice (yes you knew it was mostly your fault) was calling my parents. They immediately reached in five hours of travel. Blessed them.

    My mom’s friend, who was a psychologist treating abused women, really helped me. It was at lunch in her home.

    “why you stay with him then?”

    “I don’t know.”

    “but do you really want to see him right now? You really WANT to go?”


    When I left him with just a call, he said how ungrateful I was for doing this, he already did bought roller blades to roller skating with me ??????

    He said I did this because I ate too much at the lunch without him and I was feeling free, but my freedom was false because I had my, again, food disorderz.

    You asked me then to stay silent, but you stalked me, you tried to talk about me with my friends, you messaged me once a year for two years until I changed my number, you probably stalk me on social medias after six years to see what kind of control you might have in my life. To see if I am being silent. I was, because I was too scared of you. But I don’t want to be anymore.

    I am sorry that your family is a living hell. But I won’t accept, never, your stupid apologies.

    I want to speak about the pain I had. The fear. This is about me and what I felt, what I feel, not a chance this is about you.

    Is about how easily people can be involved in a toxic relationship.

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  • We don’t have the time to be sorry so baby be the life of the party. I’m telling you to take your shot it might be scary, hearts are gonna break.

    Life of the Party, Shawn Mendes

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  • I love the idea of love. However, for some odd reason love never feels right whenever I meet someone I like. It feels like I’m an actress auditioning for a role that I really want to experience.
                                              Her Empty Luminary Palpable.
    What wounds lye so deep into my subconscious that make me unable to experience human connection?

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  • I miss your smart brain.

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  • I try to deny my feelings. They make everything too complicated. But those eyes… They warm up my lonely soul. Even if you don’t know it.

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  • “That day I made a promised to myself, to not let the things I can’t control obsession me”

    -I know it is a process but we’ll get there someday

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  • #my deaf ears #you#be there#for you #nobody else gonna like that
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    ( spoilers for “the devil all the time” )
    —  After befriending the bloodied blue-capped boy in the cafe Reader works at, a friendship blossoms between the two. However, unfortunate circumstances occur, and no one’s really sure how to feel about anything anymore.

    + this is the second part to peachy keen! (ao3 link)

    warnings: implied/referenced suicide, hurt/comfort, grieving
    word count: 3,575
    published: 9/21/20

    — — • — —

    “Ellie, sweetie, don’t touch that.”

    You were working behind the counter, rubbing raw dough and flour off on your apron, rushing around the shop to tend to the various customers. While specializing in baked treats, you were the main mistress, while Marilyn focused on baking and cooking up breakfast and lunch for eager customers.

    Elaine Beck, a sweet girl of eight years, had recently been fostered by Marilyn. Marilyn, when not focusing on Elaine’s schoolwork, would bring her to the shop to watch over her.

    You loved children, dearly, but it was difficult having a sweet-obsessed child in a bakery where the goods could easily be yanked. You find yourself aging more and more every time you told Elaine to keep her hands to herself.

    Eyeing the clock, you rolled your bottom lip with your teeth, staring out the window before Marilyn caught your attention, pulling out crepes for a frequent suit-clad visitor. “Time goes slower when you’re staring at the hands, sweetpea.”

    “Sorry,” you mumbled, shaking your head as you organized dollar bills into the register. “I didn’t mean to seem like I’m impatient for my lunch off… I’m just…”

    A hand caressed your shoulder, and Marilyn pulled you in to kiss your head, you groaning shortly after and wiping the back of your wrist against your forehead. “Mary! Your red lipstick never gets off!”

    Marilyn gave a hearty laugh, ruffling your done-up hair. “Y’er a sweet thing, sunshine. He’s gonna be here, and you two are gonna have fun on your lil’ church date.”

    “It’s not a date,” you emphasized, crouching to pull out the baked muffins, “No one goes to church for a date. I asked to come with to hear about that strange preacher.”

    Keep reading

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  • i really try to accept that i will never be the one for you but i always tend to dream about you

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  • And again I dont know, what to do.. I dont know, what to say.. I like you.. But is it enough? And the most important question.. How much do I like you actually?

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  • i want to hold you. and hold you. and hold you, and hold you

    #you#dess#bear#bip#button #i miss you #i love you #i’m sorry
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