im so curious, if snape was born female like.. how would things go? would his/her life be as bad as it was? would the marauders still bully him/do the thing they did at the lake (if they did, i promise you people would sympathize with severus more) would his father still abuse him (i believe it’s canon that his father would beat him, it was on pottermore) like i just MM i wanna know
Soundwave had been bothering Shockwave as the usual. Blasting their music around, being mean to him.
At the end of the evening, they followed him to his lab. - La la la la~ - They sang as they sat on the corner of his long desk.
- What do you want this time?! Why don´t you leave me alone!? -
Soundwave smirked as they saw him getting angry. They loved to see that face. In the inside, both knew neither of them represented a real danger to the other.
- Why are you like this? -
The smile that Soundwave had in their face dissapeared. - You really wanna know? -
- I´m not like you think - They closed the door from far with a sonic wave
- Uh? -
- Shockwave, I was born in a poor family -
He was surprised. Soundwave was too well into tech knowledge. It made no sense to him. - You are lying -
Soundwave usually smirks when they lie. This wasn´t the case. In fact, they were looking him directly at the eyes. - I´m not. - They said in a serious tone
- As I was saying, I was poor. My parents couldn´t give me everything I needed. They loved me, but you know that in this world, love isn´t enough to have all your needs. It´s important, but the reality is...other thing... -They sighed
- But if they loved you, what´s the problem? - Shockwave said as he kept cleaning some test tubes
- They were aware I needed more. A “gifted cub” they called me, because I was so smart for my age. You know, that kind of stuff. So they found me someone who could teach me more. It was against our will -
- Our? -
- They neither wanted me to leave. But it was the best for me, they said. -
- And so what happened? -
- I don´t even know why I´m telling this to you, you dislike me -
- You know it isn’t totally true - He kindly put his hand next to theirs
- Whatever - They looked away for a moment and then saw him again. - I ended in a house, where an old man lived with his conjunx. They took care of me pretty well, until... -
- ...? - Shockwave tilted his head in curiosity
- Until my puberty appeared. - They looked at the floor - They began to be more strict with me. I was in a rigorous diet. And binded my midriff to give me a better shape. Heh, being female kinda sucks. They neither liked my voice turning so deep, so I had to talk less. -
- Hold up, how you used to look like? -
Soundwave paused. - Like Shadowstriker, but with longer hair. Hard to believe, right? -
- Oh... -
- But that wasn´t normal. - They poked their tummy - This is my normal look -
- You look healthy for your size -
- Thanks. - They intertwined their own fingers - Everything got worse from there. He started to hit me every time I did something wrong. We weren´t related, so he didn´t felt any remorse. Then his conjunx started to hit me too. - Soundwave hugged themself. - First with the hands, then with a ruler, a stick, a heated spoon.... once directly into fire. There was a time he was drunk, and cut me with a knife -
Shockwave felt disgusted about that. How could someone hurt an innocent being?
Soundwave pointed at their side - The mark is still there -
Shockwave understood everything, why Soundwave couldn´t handle seeing blood, and why they were nervous everytime they have to use something with fire and use sound powers instead of their blaster.
- I had no idea -
- That´s not everything, Shockwave -
- What do you mean? -
- There was a time, he brought me to where his friend was. He was scary, but I didn´t say a thing. He left me there. The last thing I remember, was being blinded with something and being muzzled...everything got dark.... When I woke up... - Their eyes were filling with tears - I had bites in my body...I was without my clothes....Alone... - They sobbed - I was in pain, and abandoned... -
That was the reason why their armor had so many layers, then.
It was one of those strange moments where Shockwave felt compassion. He held their arm.
- When he returned for me, I didn´t say a thing -
- For how much? What about your powers? -
- I´m coming to that part. The days after that, I become more rebelious, I stopped caring about being perfect and started to be messy. And I felt anger. Everytime my emotions were strong, I could feel my heart beating harder. Like it was going to come out of my chest. I could even hear it. I did some research, about having an ability like that. -
- And what you did? -
- Once I learned how it could work, I began to canalize my power through my arms. - They paused. - Then one night, I destroyed everything. I ran away. - They had a smile in their face - Zero regrets. In fact, I felt relief. I laughed like a maniac. - Soundwave looked at him - I was free. Some time later, I met Megatron. I trained with him, that´s why I got strength. No one could hurt me ever again -
- So that´s what happened to you -
- Yeah, I don´t think you’ll get it - They put a hand on his shoulder - You are a rich cub, don´t you? You had everything in your perfect life -
Shockwave looked at the floor.
- I did not -
- Uh?! -
- You are right, I was a rich cub, but it´s the only thing you know - He looked at his hand - My sire was bad with me. I went through something similar to you. -
- Really? -
- Let me tell you... - He leaned his back in his chair - I, like you, was a gifted cub. My parents could afford a good institute. I was one of the best students, outstanding and all. My carrier was proud about me, she always seemed happy about my achievements, even when I had slight mistakes. She always told me it was okay -
- And what was the problem? -
- My sire. He always wanted more and more perfection. He was obsessed. I hate him. -
Shockwave had a rage expression, more notorious than the usual
- He used to hit me in the left hand, now you get why I chopped it. - He sighed deeply - He was a bad person. His damn habit with alcohol. He hated me for not being the best. Even when I reached the maximum points. He hit me. I can remember that. - His tone was getting more and more anger with every word - He took off his belt, ordered me to take off my shirt, then he grabbed me by the left arm and started to hit me in the back. - He put his fist over the desk
- How old were you? -
- 14 -
Soundwave felt terrible after knowing. That´s why Shockwave acted distanct and cold? For protecting himself?
- My carrier wanted to protect me, but got hurt too - He had a serious expression, but his eyes were tearing - She didn´t deserved that. She was the nicest person in the world - He was reminding her, her words. Begging that man to stop with that - Since that day. I´ve hated him. -
- What happened to her? -
- She told me to escape. I wanted her to come with me, but she couldn´t. At first I didn´t understand why, years later I did. A rich couple getting divorced isn´t well looking. Society sucks -
- ... -
- She gave me some money to live on my own and then I find a place. Do you know why I´m getting blind? -
- You always say is a sickness -
- It... is... It´s my stress... Is literally blinding rage. -
- I get it - They looked at him, Shockwave was losing composture - Shockwave? - They softly cupped his face with both of their hands - Shocky? -
- Don´t call me like that! - He was crying in frustration - Only her can call me like that!!! - He grabbed Soundwave by the arms
- Do you miss your carrier that much? -
Due to their positions, Shockwave couldn´t reach Soundwave´s shoulder. Instead, he put his face against their stomach, and sobbed, like if he was a lonely cub. The poor man had never cried in a long time. He was broken.
Soundwave couldn´t do anything. The feeling of warm tears in their clothes was weird, but being from Shockwave was even weirder.
If any of them told someone else about this, no one could believe it. Maybe that´s why they were so vulnerable right now.
- I´m pretty sure she is proud of you, wherever she is - Soundwave was crying again too
- Same about your real parents - He said, trying his best to talk
Without noticing, both were embraced. It felt warm. And comfortable.
- Don´t tell anyone you know this -
- Shockwave, I may be a spy, and a Decepticon, but that´s going too low for my standards. As long as you promise you wouldn´t tell anyone, either -
- Of course I won´t -
Both smiled at each other. It was weird.
Soundwave cleared their throat. - Alright so... I will leave you alone, for today... - They got down of the desk and walked towards the door
- Sure, sure... Soundwave... -
- Yes? - They said, about to open the door
- ...Thank you...It was a good time... -
- Heh... I guess it was...See you tomorrow... - They left the door, blasting music.
This is a little story based mostly on a story of when I was younger and a prompt I found somewhere that said right a story about why you believe in karma. I was bored and so we have this. also this isn't proofread so :) there are a few mentions of abusive behavior.
I never believed in much as a kid. I knew from the age of 4 that the Tooth Fairy wasn’t real. That Santa was nothing but a myth. Not even being read stories of miracles and magic, giants and dragons could sway the little pessimist in my head who would constantly nag that the world was cruel and the universe could never give back. My parents hated it, in fact, it became a running joke that they found it so hard to convince me to believe that they would drop me off at the police station one day and see if I would believe in the miracle of them coming back. It was never that funny but everyone else would laugh. When I was about 8 my parents were divorced, it was like the only world I had known had been split down the middle like a dry log and placed on the fire that fueled my spitful ways. I was angry, at myself, at the world, at the same stupid universe who tried to trick kids into thinking the chocolate eggs in their garden came from a rabbit who had now torn my life into 2 separate factions; one filled with the rage of a drinker who screamed at the little things but wore the sweetest smile and held me tight as though I might be the next to leave and another filled with false promise and manipulation. Neither was ideal and so I taught myself how to grow up and focused on becoming better than my parents. The years went by in an endless cycle of the seasons. Spring spent watching the cherry blossom tree in my fathers' fancy new house bud and grow whilst wishing to be anywhere but there, Summers spent in isolation, left alone and separated from my friends, Autumn spent in public libraries to get away from home for a few hours and Winter spent praying for the isolation of summer or really anything to get out of Christmas dinner and having to face everyone. Father time treated me as well as he could, the image of a wise old man, gray beard littered with the stories of my life, and eyes that looked straight through you as if you were a ghost. No matter how much time passed I still didn’t believe in anything of great significance and I certainly didn’t believe in Karma. That was until I turned 11. It had been a couple days after my birthday, I had gotten a few bits and bobs that would find their way into the draw of rubbish that was religiously searched by my dad but most importantly I had gotten a phone as a way of contacting either parent when I was staying at the other's house. To me this was a dream come true! I could finally text the people that mattered and blend in with other kids my age who for the last 2 years had been trying to act 5 years older on the internet. I wasn't allowed it at night (which was understandable as I would spend all night trying to contact and interact with people all within the four walls of my room and huddled in between the 2 plush white pillows I had on my bed). Little did I know, my dad would search through the messages sent to my mum or grandma about how unhappy I was up at his with his girlfriend who treated me like I was a problem, and where I went below the dog in the pecking order. Now in these messages, I had referred to my dad's girlfriend as a “Step-witch” and when he found this out he wasn’t happy at all, I was locked in the lounge and shouted at for more time than I would like to admit. Now one thing I will say is when I get scared or too emotional I can’t talk, the words escape my throat and the oxygen can never find its way in. I begged and pleaded fresh tears gliding down the salty remains of the old ones to be able to write as a way of speaking and saying sorry. “No!” they insisted “we won’t tolerate this disrespect and you aren’t a toddler you can speak like a normal person!”. After that, I wasn’t allowed to use my phone at all and all the messages I sent had to be run through them before my finger could hit the send button. A few weeks later when it was time once again to make my Monday trip to Dad's after school I was shocked to receive a message from my father telling me my mum would be dropping me up as they couldn’t manage it. It wasn’t until mum left me on their
meticulously de-weeded and bleak front door and had to let myself in with the spare key that I realized what had happened. The house had been swept through by the flu, everyone was sick! Not wanting to give up the ongoing battle of where I should live with my mum, my dad had said he was busy and asked her to drop me up when in fact he was bedridden by the vicious illness. They were all coughing, sniffling, sneezing into a tissue, and then throwing it onto a growing pile the size of Mount Everest herself. The only one who seemed to be unaffected was my Oldest step-brother, let’s call him Dan. Dan never treated me like some old gum he had stepped in that just wouldn’t get off his shoe like the others, he never said anything bad to me or about me (at least to my face) and he was the only person in the house who treated me as if I was human. So as my Dad and Sammy (let’s just call her that for now) were holed up in their room Dan took it upon himself to take care of me for the 3 days of my stay. You see Dad and Sammy had lost their voice and resorted to writing on paper to communicate to us what they needed (or they used their phones but they were charged on the other side of the room to the bed and they could hardly muster up the strength to walk all those 10 steps to get them). However, there was 1 problem with this: all the led in the pencils were always broken and could never sharpen right, all the pens never wrote and we could never make out the frantic hand signals they would make. Now I’m not saying they deserved it for everything they did nor am I saying that it was karma who ripped their voices from their throats just as they had ripped my only means of communication to the outside world and to plead my case that day. All I am saying is from that day forward the universe and all her wonderful ways stuck on that tiny list of things I believed in. And who knows maybe next year I might catch a glimpse of a fat, red and white man and his big clumpy boots climb back up the chimney, leaving presents and mince pie crumbs in his wake.
I don't know much because I've just sort of learned about it, but ...
I quite like some of the concepts of Schema therapy. Mainly because it acknowledges different coping styles and how it affects someone throughout their life.
I feel like, generally, certain reactions to trauma are deemed more appropriate than others. Those who react in the typical "victim" way (withdrawn, scared, apologetic) are more accepted than those who react aggressively or stubborn.
Sometimes people who've been hurt end up hurting others, become aggressive, resolve to addictions, have little / no empathy, etc. and everyone else's reactions to them is "They're not the victim. They're the abuser. They hurt me!" And I get it, you've been hurt as well and you don't owe anyone forgiveness, but why should the only outcome of facing trauma be: the person becomes understanding / sympathetic / stronger / nicer. Not everyone reacts the same to trauma.
People also don't always end up with "I'm not good at anything" mindset. Some parents expect success from their kids, and that results in them over working to get good. They might end up developing a sense of pride and come off as conceited (they may even for a while genuinely believe they're better than others or 'you just have to apply yourself') or be seen as "naturally smart" (when they're not - they were overworked and literally had no other option).
I'm just tired of people looking at others and assuming "They've never been through anything like I have" / "They must look down on people with trauma and disabilities" / "They're smart - they can't possibly understand what's it's like to struggle" / "They're aggressive and thus want to hurt me because they're abusive"
Anyway, there's 3 coping methods (response to a maladaptive schema): Avoidance, Surrender, Overcompensation.
I think most people expect a surrender or avoidance reaction, and never consider overcompensation.
also hello , reminder that nik’s character hones into triggering topics such as abuse & murder ( & i always tag it ). if this makes you uncomfortable, i strongly recommend unfollowing me & softblocking me, gracias <3
#/ OOC. #i won’t ever rp abuse & murder because. that makes Me uncomfortable. #but please note i do talk about these topics & i tag them with the format: ____ tw #abuse mention tw #murder mention tw
@venusflytrps ; delia : ‘ if you die, it’ll be like my villain origin story so. don’t die, ’ / meme ; not accepting.
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐑𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐅𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆, no that wasn’t quite right either. she’d gone out the window for a reason. something about a PUNCHLINE she had given away. she had fallen for so long. how was she not dead? didn’t most people die from falling the height she did? maybe she was just lucky. maybe there was an explanation. harley didn’t even know how long it had been, how long it had been she’d fallen out the window and been lying in this hospital. wait, no. not fallen, she was pushed. did b - man push her? he was there, she knew that. but he had been tied up, at her mercy and she was going to FINALLY rid them of the bat. he would have caught her anyway, but he couldn’t do anything. which could only mean one thing - the joker pushed her.
𝐄𝐘𝐄𝐒 𝐖𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐕𝐘 𝐀𝐒 𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖𝐋𝐘 𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐑𝐒 𝐀𝐖𝐀𝐊𝐄, delia’s voice being almost like a guide back to reality. but with that came the ache of pain, the realisation she was cuffed to the bed, that she was likely to be more hurt than she ever had been before. yet delia’s words made a small smile pull at pale lips as she tried to wake properly, “ don’t think gotham could handle that, ” her voice was hoarse and scratchy as she spoke, since she had not spoken in so long. head still felt so heavy as she turned to look at her sister, wondering how long it had been and what delia might tell her about what really happened, but she needed her to confirm one thing for her, “ he pushed me, didn’t he? ”
#venusflytrps #i. answered : 𝐢𝐧 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫. #x. harley quinn : 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐣𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫. #hospital mention / #abuse / #abuse implication / #( wow we sad now )
for avoiding stuff about my messed up life, you can block the tag: gdlplu
how do i explain to my psychiatrist that my loneliness is killing me (singing that???) but i literally cannot figure out /why/ people don't like me and this is /not/ something i'm making up. like i'm lonely to the point of crying in public bc i see ppl /talking/ to each other and i don't even know when i'll have my next /conversation/
but ppl keep telling me ~to my face~ that i'm really weird/strange/too much/intense and the things that one person will say (I'm too child-like/ridiculous and it's embarrassing) will be opposite what someone else will say (I'm cold, pedantic, and distant and seem too measured/calculated in my speech/actions) but all of it is people asking /what's wrong with me/ and i DON'T know what it is that i'm doing /wrong/
it's like either i have to very carefully figure out what i'm going to say or i'm going to jump around and make animated voices about what's going on i do not have a middle ground here? is this ptsd? is this being autistic? is this the fact that /i was raised in severe isolation to the point of not knowing how to start conversations when i started going around ppl for the first time really at 16 years old/
i think i'm autistic for sure? like i forgot my headphones yesterday going out and nearly broke down bc of Noise and then had nightmares about getting sensory overload and crying in public bc i did that all the time growing up
i'm seriously begging for help at this point bc my psychiatrist is like stuck on the idea that i'm doing "oh no they didn't text back they must hate me" type of anxiety and to "change my thinking" and it makes me so mad bc she has no idea what kind of brief glimpses of happiness i had to cling to to live as long as i have. i am aware that i have two close friends one of whom is a very close friend but i don't live anywhere near them and i only have calls with one of them. (i actually love phone calls too so it's like i would talk to ppl) BUT one of them is autistic and the other one is in a relationship with an autistic man so they're both like cool with me being "weird" in a way that a lot of ppl aren't. but like with them i'm not like "oh they read my message they must hate me" bc i do actually know how to say to myself 'they're busy and will reply later' but again i do not know when i will get my next conversation here. i am crying all the time bc i just want to at least /talk/ to someone
not putting this under a cut bc i really really am begging for help here
tl:dr: do people dislike me for being autistic/having mental health issues that present as "weird" and/or is something just seriously wrong with me
Lena had tried everything. She had always tried to do her best for her sons. And had she been the perfect mother? Never once, and she knew that with her whole mind, body and soul. She had never protected either of them. She had never protected Matt from his father, and that had never been fair because they had been children, and they had never deserved it... but Lena had never found a way out until the alcohol had killed him. And it had been a sigh of relief knowing that she had survived it. But once the dust had settled, and her ex-husband had been burried in the ground she realized that... she was alone. And she had deserved it. She had been a terrible mother, by every single meaning of the world. And then, she had lost her oldest son. And the space in her heart filled but she couldn’t go back to Matt, he was a good boy, and he had become a good boy despite what his father had put him through. The blonde looked up from the files strewn around her desk. And so, she had thrown herself back into the job that, that terrible man had forced her to quit because he couldn’t have a wife who was more successful than him. “I’m sorry, I’m afraid I don’t have any meetings on the books for the rest of the day.” She spoke hearing the door open, before she finally looked up, her professional attire slipping away. “Oh... Is there anyway I can help you?” She questioned seeing the look on the persons face.
emmeline had reached her limit a long time ago as the guilt kept her anchored to her father. it was unfortunate that she had adopted the mentality that it was either them or her - she knew what it was like yet she was complicite in bringing others harm, harm that she wouldn’t wish upon anyone. the essex house had hurt her even before it had its name and she was tethered to it ever since. so many parts of her life were interwoven with each other: family, work, relationships, they all came back to this place.
her hands were not clean and whilst her father had protected her, he hadn’t given her the emotional support she desperately needed. emmeline had always been a sensitive individual and the tears she couldn’t often hold back made her look weak - there was no room for weakness as an essex. she had tried to gain her fathers affection but disappointment always followed. it was almost as if he continued to punish her for her past mistakes. no matter how much she grovelled o swore her loyalty to him, it was never enough and she was only disregarded afterwards once she had done her part.
it was time for her to stop it or at the very least distance herself from it all. one would have thought that the woman could resign by going directly to her father but she was too afraid at his reaction. it was for that reason she found herself coming to beverly. the othe woman had a trange relationship with her father, one that she would never understand but the tone of it did unsettle her. she was almost a motherly figure and although emmeline had craved that, she found herself avoiding the other and not wanting to listen. it was a vicious cycle of emmeline putting up a laughable attempt for her to assert herself only to feel completely humiliated by the end of it.
“beverly, i need to speak to nathaniel. i’m done with...this.” she gestured around, a piece of paper wafting in one hand. emmeline didn’t have a plan, always one to make rather hasty decisions but she still wanted a relationship with her father, if she was able to salvage it. holding out the paper to beverly, her hand was unsteady. “i’m resigning.” her voice cracked as she attempted to say it with convinction.
I was going to be nice in this post but... it is really hard to atp.
And i did not even want to have to talk about this or bring this up in my safe space
But its at the point where i am seeing way too many ED, ProAna and ProMia Blogs interacting with me.
So if i have not made it clear let me make it BLATANT
IF YOU SUPPORT OR PROMOTE THE IDEA OF SEVERE WEIGHT LOSS, UNHEALTHY WEIGHT LOSS, UNHEALTHY EATING HABITS, EXTREME WORKOUTS, BEING ADDICTED TO BEING EMPTY, ETC
WITH MY BLOG
you will #disrespectfully be reported AND blocked
I had an extreme, severe eating disorder from 12-17 years old (anamia to be exact. I starved myself then, if i ate one thing, no matter how big or how small the thing, i forced myself to purge it and do extreme workouts before bed. I was addicted to the thought of being beautiful and looking like a model. I was addicted to the feeling of being empty) I am 18 now. I am older but the damage is still fresh, the difference is i love myself now. AnaMia was evil and excrutiating to the point where I had to be sent to a mental health institution and be monitored and eventually tubed. That was my breaking point. That is when i wanted to recover. Not barely being able to stand, not the pain all over, not the easy bruising or losing my complextion, not my teeth slowly deteriorating or my gums STILL BLEEDING TO THIS DAY. But the pain of not being able to see my family. Having to be forced to keep myself alive.. is what broke me.
I was just like a lot of the people on here promoting disgustingly unhealthy ways to get thin. I had over 200 followers on my blog until Tumblr did the right thing and deactivated my account for me. That was the first step to me wanting to better myself.
Im not going to say that the clinic, medication and coping mechanisms dont work. But they only work if u want them to. No matter how many hospitializations, no matter how many medications or tubes they stick down your throat. You will not get better until u say to yourself "I want to be healthy. I want to be able to eat what i want"
So to all the ED pages out there. Please at least want better for the people who love you if you do not want to get better yourself. It is not a diet, it is not some simple workout routines. When i was in ur shoes i was looking at shit like this rolling my eyes scrolling past it too, but its real. It hurts. It has actual long term effects.
The only reason i am saying this or even reporting u guys is because its not a safe space because it is not safe. I want everybody to be healthy, happy and most of all sane. Also because i personally do not want to relapse. And right now i am at my most vulnerable.
avan jogia , bisexual , male + he/him ― hey look , it’s hayden modi ! they’re twenty four years old , they’ve lived in shrike heights for three months , and they’re currently working at julio’s bar . i heard they’re pretty nonchalant , but i think they’re so open minded at the same time . can they make it out alive ?
! tws for drug abuse and addiction , pregnancy and child death , proceed with caution !
☆ full name : hayden rajat modi
☆ nicknames : usually just goes by hayden , claims he’s too ‘ unoriginal ’ for nicknames
☆ birthday / zodiac : december 20 , sagittarius sun ( sagittarius - capricorn cusp , or the ‘ cusp of prophecy ’ ) , aries moon , capricorn rising
☆ right handed or left handed : ambidextrous
☆ height : 5 ‘ 11
☆ three things he likes : getting high , the beatles , any harley davidson motorcycle
☆ three things he dislikes : when the party ends , being alone with his thoughts , the mere idea that nothing is really forever
☆ eye color : brown
☆ hair color : black
☆ place of birth : montreal , canada
☆ languages spoken : canadian french , english , very basic conversational gujarati
☆ five aesthetics : pictures of hayley , drowning out your sorrows through narcotics , eating at denny’s at ungodly hours drunk off your ass , dried up tears , being the actual life of the party
background story and headcanons
hayden was the fourth born child of rajat and kimmy modi , out of eight other brothers and sisters , being the ultimate middle child
despite having so many kids , his parents payed attention to each and every one of them , never leaving a kid out like some parents with multiple children did . this had it’s ups and downs , but mostly downs ( in hayden’s opinion ) . his parents were super strict and very old school , close minded people , which is something that drove hayden insane
now , they weren’t bad parents per say , but hayden thought they were overbearing . they had rules he found really dumb like no skirts below the knee for girls , everyone had a curfew at nine pm , they weren’t allowed to date until after they moved out of the house , no people over until they’ve met their parents , their parents had to approve of all the clothes they wore , no tattoos , piercings or dying your hair , and one that hayden really hated in particular ? him and his brothers were always forced to keep their hair as short as they could , as his parents didn’t allow them to have longer hair
these were just some of the rules they had , because there were plenty more , each one more ridiculous and strict than the last . hayden grew up being that friend that couldn’t go out unless his parents met your parents , wasn’t allowed out on school days at all , pretty much had all these rules he had to follow which he hated . like , he was that friend that you could never really hang out with outside of school because it was either one , too hard to do so , or two , he simply wasn’t allowed
it was overbearing , and while he understood that his parents did all of this because they cared , it actually made hayden resent them , because he felt like he had no actual free will around them . they wanted to control everything , know every little detail , and he couldn’t stand it
so , if you guessed it , he started acting out at an early age , but .... secretly , of course . he always kept everything he knew they wouldn’t approve of a secret , which was hard to do with the amount of siblings he had and how much his parents were on his ass , but he managed to do so . honestly , his parents’ rules did nothing to help keep him in place . if anything , being guarded so much and restricted like that made him want to do all the wild things his parents were so afraid of him doing , so , that’s just what he did
while he was smart enough to keep his grades up , his social life was mostly kept a secret because his parents would never approve . hayden started wilding out , no lie , the second he became a teenager . thirteen was basically his year !
this is the first time he tried alcohol and cigarettes , his first kiss , the first time he snuck out , all the things his parents didn’t want him doing , he began doing at this age , of course , all secretly , but he still did them
his little escapades only became more and more intense as he got older . cigarettes became joints , kisses turned into sex , and well .... you get the idea
by the time he’s sixteen , he meets a girl he would soon fall head over heels in love with . her name was hanna . hanna was basically everything his parents wanted him not to be , everything they hated , and even with their ‘ no dating ’ rule , hayden fell for her , and hard
he was breaking their rules secretly already before she showed up , but hanna encouraged him to break even more . she had hippie parents who told her to follow her desires , basically everything hayden could want really . he found it very difficult to say no to her . he had only tried weed and beer up until he met her , but she got him to try just about everything in the book , eventually getting him hooked on coke
she was toxic , and it was only a matter of time before her influence on him really began to show . he had always been so good at hiding everything from his parents , his siblings , but he started to slip with her . fast forward a year later and his mother finds an empty coke bag in his sock drawer . this of course , leads to the ultimate argument with his parents
everything comes to light right then and there . the argument is so terrible , his crying mother becomes so angry , she slaps him ( which is huge for hayden , because neither one of his parents had ever laid a hand on him or one of his siblings ) . they basically kick him out and surprisingly ? hayden is so filled with rage , he’s perfectly okay with that , doesn’t even bother to use the thirty minutes they give him to ‘ pack your bags and get the fuck out of here ’ either , legit just leaves , and the first person he goes to ? hanna . he honestly hasn’t seen his parents or siblings since that day
they pretty much runaway with a couple of her hippie friends and start road tripping the states together , spend hanna’s eighteenth birthday in las vegas , which was absolutely crazy , and that’s saying little . eventually , hayden and hanna settle down in some trailer homes in denver
after a night filled with too many beers and lines , they find out hanna is expecting three months later , right when they’re finally getting settled in . despite the fast lifestyle they both live , they decide to keep it . ‘ it ’ turns out to be a girl , and they name her hayley
hayden never wanted to be a father , but as cheesy as it sounds , his daughter really changed him . like , he really wanted to be a better man for her even though he was barely eighteen and didn’t know what the fuck he was doing , literally never felt a love so pure , just wanted to protect her and be a good dad
however , the same can’t be said for hanna . she tells him she’s going to get the baby formula one day and never comes back , leaving hayden a single father when his daughter is only four months old . he’s alone and scared , doesn’t have a single clue what to do , but he somehow makes it work
stops doing drugs , gets his shit together even though it’s hard . like he’s stressed 24/7 but for once , he’s trying to do things the right way . he’s nothing like his parents at all , but he understands what it’s like to care for someone so much , you don’t want anything bad to happen to them , he doesn’t agree with what his parents did but after becoming a dad , he gets where they’re coming from . he becomes a better person , all thanks to hayley
fast forward five years later however , and hayley becomes really sick with leukemia . hayden starts spending his time in the hospital more than anything . unfortunately , after a little over a year of struggling , she ends up passing away when she’s six years old
it was one of those cases where hayden never really thought that would be the outcome, you know ? like he knew it was bad , but he was positive they would get through it . the amount of times he thought ‘ no , she’s too young . no , not my daughter . she’ll be fine ’ was a lot . he’s seen cases of parents going through that but he never in his entire life thought that would be his case as well , until he actually went through it
it doesn’t take a genius to guess how upset the situation makes him . hayden becomes very , very depressed , basically drowning himself in his work to try and ignore just how awful he felt . he never thought it would hurt as much as it does . he doesn’t think he could put it into words just how painful it is , not in french , not in english , not in any language
he has a mental breakdown so bad , he impulsively goes into his bathroom and shaves his entire head and eyebrows . i’m not even talking like a buzzcut , no , straight up just bald and no eyebrows . not a look on him , but he’s in such a bad place , he doesn’t care . after being clean for more than half a decade , he breaks his sobriety , literally .... becomes a mess
eventually , his hair and eyebrows grow back , but he’s really never the same person again . this is how he ends up in shrike really – living in denver with all those memories is just too painful for him , legit goes to a small town where no one knows a thing about him or his story
he’s back to his old habits because he really doesn’t give a fuck anymore . like , he genuinely feels like he has nothing left to live for even though he’s so young . he feels tired and worn out and really , really sad , but he never shows this side of himself
instead , he’s dwelled on becoming the party animal guy . he’s that friend you call up to drink , smoke , or just get high with . he’s back to his fast paced lifestyle and he couldn’t care less . it’s gotten to a point where he doesn’t care if he takes it too far . like .... he just doesn’t give a single flying fuck anymore watch him drinking at the job ( even though he’s a bartender so it’s gucci but )
his existence has become rather empty . getting high and getting drunk , barely sleeping , doing chaotic shit that could get him arrested . again , he just feels like he has nothing to live for ,desperately needs therapy even though he’ll probably never go bless him
he hates being alone ! not even because it scares him or anything , but because he thinks too much when he is . he hates being alone with his own thoughts , dead ass always wants to be with someone or high on something because he just hates thinking
has the name ‘ hayley ’ tattooed on his wrist , with a little angel underneath . will probably tell you it was a drunk tattoo if asked even though it obviously wasn’t
hayden doesn’t really do relationships after what happened in his last one . he would like one , but doesn’t like putting in all the effort , huge on hookups and meaningless sex because it’s become his life
he loves taking pictures ! has a polaroid camera which was literally the only thing he took from his house when he left . he’ll take pictures wherever he goes as he claims pictures are the perfect way to ‘ capture life’s moments ’ . he has a ton of pictures of his daughter
got his aa , but never furthered his education
i’m going to end this here because this is getting long , but below is his birth chart ! i’m still figuring him out so i might edit this later on ? who knows tbh
apartment complex buds : these two live in the same apartment complex and have become friends through there , probably party together and get into all sorts of shenanigans , huge ride or die energy here
strawberry fields forever : give me someone he did acid with . it wasn’t hayden’s first time dropping acid , but it was your muses’ first time , so this could be a pretty fun connection depending on their reaction !
my ghost , where’d you go ? : fwbs that ghosted each other 😀 maybe they thought things were becoming too real and dipped ? could be a fun connection to work out
why’d you only call me when you’re high ? : fwbs that only hook up when they’re under the influence . hayden will call them up at three am like ‘ where are you ? ’ . big dumb energy in this connection right here
coming down : someone who tries to be a good influence on him . they could be there for him whenever he comes down , but this person’s efforts are probably are for nothing because he’s fucked up 💜
young gods : a muse maybe ? someone he takes pictures of ? he’s all ‘ wait don’t move ’ *snaps pic*
or we can brainstorm !
#shrikeintro#woooo #this took me forever #n it sucks rip 3 #plspls hmu for plots omg pls #pregnancy tw #child death tw #death tw #cancer mention tw #drug abuse tw #alcohol abuse tw #drug addiction tw #pls read this w caution if u do <3
the way this made me cry. these videos make me believe in the good in people, like everyone experiences so much shit but people empathize with complete strangers and just open their heart up, god i don't know, I'm just emotional ok?
#tw mention of suicide #tw mention of abuse #tw mention of trauma #Youtube