THIS IS MY THIRD TIME TRYING TO WORD THIS POST RIGHT
But some of my most aggressive and fast paced daydreams when I’m running on nothing but spite and anger are sometimes some of the best outlets for me and I notice I’ve been doing it more recently wHICH IS AN ISSUE bc now I keep spacing out whenever I feel upset which in turn shuts out a lot of people
aaa i feel so weird telling ppl about my plots bc they change like constantly,, i was making a reference/description for orion and then THE NIGHT AFTER i made a separate backstory that made his actions and attitude make so much more sense,,, like forget about everything i told you and listen to this version
reading an entire doc abt medicine to know what doctors wore before the invention of latex gloves...
the things we do for madd
If I ever hear someone I know come up and tell me “omg i found your tumblr blog”, i think I will do exactly this
BECAUSE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPLAIN THIS MESS??
I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT ANYONE THINKS
MY NAME IS NATALIA, I IDENTIFY AS A CLOUDGENDER NON-BINARY PERSON, I’M ABROROMANTIC AMBIAMOROUS ABROSEXUAL, I USE ANY AND ALL PRONOUNS AND NEOPRONOUNS
I HAVE AUTISM, ADHD, MADD, BPD, AND FACTITIOUS DISORDER, AND I’M FUCKING PROUD
I AM A CHRISTIAN WITCH
I’M MULTIRACIAL AND TRILINGUAL
I HAVE SSHL
I AM A CITIZEN OF TWO COUNTRIES
THIS IS WHO I AM
AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN THE ONLY THING LEFT FOR ME TO SAY IS A BIG FAT KISS MY ASS
This was aimed at some people
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk
ever since i made freesia ive become a bit more aware of myself in a good way,, i can look at myself from the side
i need validation i need to know im not alone,, i need to understand everything bc otherwise i feel so lost i need a label for all of my experiences and feelings, i need to know someone else has also had them and theres an answer to any question i might have ive always felt like such an outcast, like i was fundamentally different from everyone around me, like they always knew what was going on and i didnt, i still dont
many people feel like there isnt enough space for them in the world, but to me everything feels way too big, i feel like im just not enough to fill the space im supposed to be taking up
i dont want to try my best because im scared that im right about this, that no matter how hard i try it won’t be enough, so i try to make as little of an effort as possible and not think about it, being right would crush me
I was daydreaming and having a great time until my damn cAT STEPPED ON MY STOMACH
maybe im too ill to have a relationship now,, it feels weird being close to a real person
i wish i could watch my daydreams tbh
How I Cope With My MaDD:
The easiest way I immerse into my daydreams without doing so entirely unintentionally is putting my head under my blanket in utter darkness. It helps keep my mind under control almost. Without the distractions of the outside world confusing and attacking me almost while I’m trying to fight off letting go and submitting into wherever tf my mind is gonna take me, I can instead focus solely into giving myself some kind of control.
Instead of looking for written prompts to give me some ideas and avoid any type of withdrawal when my brain gives up on coming up with shit and I get bored, I instead look at fanart. It can help me better picture my dreams. It just makes it so much easier and satisfying.
Whenever something happens in reality and my brain takes over to recreate it in a daydream and replace the people I’m actually with with the people I most commonly use in my daydreams, I picture and draw a big ❌ through whatever is forming. It helps establish a boundary of some sort. And keeps me in the present.
TW: suicide (in only the following bullet point):
I also use music to keep myself more in control and it just adds to the experience I guess. Also it can help set the tone for whatever daydream is happening. I also have completely gotten rid of any too sad songs. The last thing I need is planning one of my characters s*icide.
But one of the adverse affects of using music would be I can’t listen to music when studying or trying to focus solely on something. Otherwise I will be fighting off slipping away the entire time and end up giving up on whatever I’m trying to do.
I’ve never spoken to anyone else experiencing MaDD, but I’m going to find a discord server or something because relatability is necessary to coping. I highly encourage anyone dealing with MaDD to reach out to someone.
I’ve also been trying to use a safe word of some sorts to try to get myself out. Kinda like saying “you’re okay” when having a panic attack. Something to stabilize myself.
I tend to dream about extremely disturbing things. My brain seems to have an attachment to pain. Experiencing some of my own trauma over and over but to another person I’ve dreamed up in my head. But, I still go through it all over again. And I can’t stop it. Also, sometimes there’s completely new trauma. Some extremely gruesome news story and another dream comes out of it. Just so much pain and suffering and grief. I put my suffering on these people to avoid dealing with it myself. And I don’t know what to do with that. But that’s why I want to work out a safe word.
I also like to surround myself with as many people as possible. To keep me present and focused. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. This has also taught me sadly that I can both be focused on reality and in a daydream with my characters mirroring my every movement. It’s like looking into two worlds at the same time. So, I’m not too sure. But, I’m still working on ways to stay present.
I get lots of second hand embarrassment in general, but especially from my characters. I will physically cringe and change into a bad mood like that. So I’m trying to dream of embarrassing shit more to get used to it, and kind of power through it.
I’ll be updating this more and more. Please let me know how you cope, I really need some help here <3
me after getting too carried away with a weird daydream plot
My veritbond feels so real to me... it feels like he is constantly by my side.
Last week I let it out to my therapist that he was sitting right next to me. I don't know what she thought about it... i don't want this to be seem as something like schizophrenia, but I don't want it not to be taken seriously either. He is here. I can feel him. He keeps me company when I can't sleep. He is the friend that will always be here... i hope
i sometimes get really disconnected from reality, and I dive into my daydreams. He is there. His best friend (who doesn't know they are imaginary) is there. Everyone is there and we're happy. It's so weird... the more I get close to reality, the lonelier I feel, so... the more I try to stay in touch with real life, the more it seems like I need him and my daydreams
WHEN WILL LONELINESS END
I don't remember a day of my childhood in which I wasn't daydreaming. My abuser would get really mad and yell at me which only caused me to daydream more.
As I grew up, and I found real friends who were also neurodivergent, it almost stopped. I practiced fencing, watched cartoons and played videogames; and my best friend always told me the stories they imagined. I didn't feel the need to daydream at school because I was happy, and at home I would just remember the funny real moments of the day or focus on my special interest.
But highschool ended and then I would just see my friends each four or six months. But those moments spend with them were enough. I would remember then often and feel happy, and replay them in my head instead of daydream.
The last reunions were... different. We didn't play DnD or videogames, or discussed animated shows. We drank and talked. And I started to zoom out.
Now the daydreams are returning. I don't like some of them because my friends appear there and sometimes I idealize my interactions with them.
I think sertraline is also helping me with them. I kind of can control them most of the time. Is that immersive daydreaming, instead of maladaptive?
My mom got the virus at work and I got ill and had fever two days. While I was sick I started creating a new daydream world based on a hospital. I was often sick from respiratory illnesses as a child so that feels comforting.
Still I'm bot sure if im doing Immersive daydreaming or if its maladaptative again. As in before highschool.
Me when I choose my new favourite para and they “suddenly” get put through literal hell on earth
Wanting my paras to leave this stupid room VS Can't let go of this carefully balanced stack of bad coping that stops me from daydreaming 24/7
remember people if you are writing down your Paracosm in a notebook make sure to write in pencil!
sometimes i daydream that my plot has a big fanbase and people analyze it and draw fanart and i can talk to them and everyone loves me
i am thinking about writing a fic or something about madd, i hope if i get around to doing it it might help others feel more valid and not alone or something