I feel like nothing
I honestly can’t find what my purpose in life is
I go through life because I feel like it’s something that has to be done
All I do is go through the motions
I already felt like a burden. Always have. I have so many problems. And when I really think about it, my mom is the one who really got me thinking that way.
I have an eating disorder (think ‘picky eater’). My dad would make fun of it. And my mom? She would guilt me about it. How troublesome and annoying it was that I needed a special menu. I thought it was a valid complaint.
Here’s the one that hurts the most:
I was born with a blood disease, sickle cell disease. And I grew up going into pain crises a couple times a year if I was lucky. Basically being a cripple who couldn’t do anything for herself for a couple days to a week because I was in too much pain. My mother would often get frustrated with me for being helpless and crying and screaming in pain. I know taking care of a disabled child is stressful but does she have any idea how that made me feel?? Absolute shit! I already pitied myself for this condition, which my dad often called me out for as I would be crying in pain. “Suck it up.” (Sometimes I took it as encouragement, other times I just felt worse)
Oh, and the cherry on top. I had admitted to a psychologist I was seeing that I was wanting to kill myself. Of course, she had to tell my parents. I couldn’t tell how my dad took it, but my mom…. she confronted me later angrily asking me why I felt suicidal. “I already have enough problems.”
Yep, I’m just a burden.
bipolar with ultra ultra rapid cycling
Why do I look at things when I know it’ll make me spiral into a depressive episode and want to slit my wrists ???? Question of the day
i just want to crawl in bed and never get out,
you ruined me. then i ruined myself.
you used me like a dolly, pulled off my limbs, flipped up my skirt and pulled my panties down.
you made me bleed and lapped the blood from your lips, went in for a second go, body all red and i have to hide what you did to me because it’s our secret.
you always said it was a gift. you infected me, broke my hymen and passed it off as my christmas present, made me feel dirty while mother mary stared down at me with that same expression of anguish.
so when you left, i wanted to know what my blood tasted like. wanted to know what it was about it that made you lust so badly, let you bask in sin in a church basement.
i cut myself open, poked around, i hurt myself, and i understood the appeal. i cant seem to stop either.
maybe my blood really is that sweet.
i was your sweetheart. your angel. your baby.
a gift from god. made in heaven.
is that why i’m so afraid to go there?
your touch burned me like a brand and i would much rather embrace the flames of hell then go through the pearly white gates
they watched me suffer. they sat silently.
friendly reminder to please take your meds as prescribed and remember to stay hydrated,
x stay safe. youre loved
i’m scared but enjoying it??? like i’m euphoric but i’m also so anxious and i feel this presence all the time. everything is a code for something.
hey happy day of disability to all my amazing fellow disabled people out there i just wanted to say
Whether or not you’re able to live independently does not determine your value. Needing help is never a bad thing.
If you’re disabled I’m proud of you 💛
thank you for calming me down again,
someday i will be happy
i literally get anxiety from the fact that i exist
Im out of my meds till the next apointment and now I can’t stop eating and everything pisses me off I’m so f*ckin anxious yayyy
Mondo ‘antis’ basically.