Strap in, I’m going to 5alk about alcoholic shame, my partner, and how a mistake hqs just… haunted me.
Sometimes the the worst mistake I feel like I made was telling my partner about my problem before I came to grips with it myself.
It feels like he’ll never trust me to have ANY drinks around him. I feel so vulnerable, and so far that vulnerability has only been used against me.
That’s not the mistake that’s REALLY haunted me, though. My mistake was drinking when I was trying to cope with some heavy shit.
In June my father was really sick and it looked like he was dying. My birthday celebration came and wasn’t handling it well.
That night, I didn’t want to go our with friends. I was literally crying before hand trying to process my feelings.
That night we went bar hopping and I was half-hearted pretty much the whole time. (I don’t like drinking in public– it’s expensive and uncomfortable, plus I was dealing with a LOT of emotional baggage.)
That night we went back to a friend of mine’s and played board games/jackbox. There came a point in the night where it looked like the party was winding down, and I just wanted to feel GOOD. I NEEDED this to go on, so naturally I made a strong mixed drink.
I don’t remember what came next.
The next morning I woke up and my partner, who had slept on the couch, approached me in bed and told me how mad they were.
They said I had been really aggressive and angry toward everyone. I was yelling at people and went as far as hitting someone.
I don’t think you can properly imagine my mortification. To be told you did something SO out of character toward your friends is horrifying.
They said that seeing me this way was pathetic. They said on the way home I couldn’t stand, kept stumbling, kept ARGUING in the car and made them pull over so I could puke.
I don’t remember any of this. But they were so mad. For good reason, too!
But every since then, I’ve felt such shame ANY time I’ve drank in front of them. To the point where I’ve hidden it.
Of course, I’ve gotten caught. Multiple times. And that’s only added to the shame.
I feel like I’m in a shame spiral, but I don’t think it’s natural. On one hand, I HAVEN’T gotten drunk like that since. I was dealing with a lot of shit, after all.
On the other hand, I can’t let go of the sneaking suspicion that they judge me EVERY time I drink. The worst part is that they’ve given me evidence outside of my own paranoia.
They’ve expressed their confusion and disdain for drinking so much. They’re so adverse to addictive substances that they’ve recently cut out coffee for decaf (where as before he just loved coffee.)
A part of me can’t help but wonder if it’s like, a reaction to my inability to help myself sometimes.
And I kind of resent them for it, if we’re being honest.
Most times I’m in awe with how in love I am with them– it’s been over 3 years. Other times I feel so quietly judged that I just want to scream, like I almost want to drink myself into a coma out of sheer spite.
I wish I had kept it between me and my therapist. At least then I would be able to work on the REAL problem and not feel so judged ANY time I drink.
I don’t want to be a whiny, self-pitying person. But I’ve been stewing on this a while and it sucks.