Chapter title: Doubts Word Count: 4.6k Warnings: None. Just too many feelings. Pairing: Javí Peña (Narcos) x Evelyn Capshaw OFC (Alexandra Daddario face claim) Chapter Summary: Javi and Eve say goodbye before he leaves for Cali. ******Takes places during the very end of S3E3 Follow the Money
Special thanks as always to @ksgeekgirl and @badassbaker Your support on this story means the world to me! xo
Chapter 20: Doubt
As soon as Javí got off the phone with Feistl in Cali, he was already lost in his thoughts trying to come up with his next move. Getting a break like this happened only once in a lifetime and Javí refused to mess this up.
Two minutes ago, all he wanted was to drag his tired ass home and crash with Eve in his arms. But this new information was like a shot of pure adrenaline flying through his veins. If he had been worried about losing his edge, those doubts were long forgotten as he effortlessly slipped back into police mode without missing a beat.
The Rodriguez brothers had been ghosts for months now. All of them laying low while they doubled down on their money laundering and upped their cocaine smuggling to unheard of heights. Arrogantly trying to make as money as possible before they signed their surrender deal as if they’d never done anything wrong.
It was almost as though they really believed they could retire and pretend they had always been upstanding Colombian citizens while they sat on top of their mountains of drug money. It made Javí sick.
But now, with all of his senses heightened, Javí felt like a hunter stalking his prey. Javí was practically salivating at the chance to chase one of these assholes down. Capturing the eldest Rodriguez brother was the most coveted prize.
There was so much to consider if they were to capture the godfather. Let alone take him alive, because bringing him in alive was the utmost highest priority.
Deep down in his bones, Javí knew that this case was far bigger than the arrest of just one man. Gilberto needed to stand trial for his crimes in order to show the Colombian people that justice mattered. Whatever was left of Javí’s moral compass wanted to prove to the people that law enforcement could fight back against the cartels and win.
If Javí could give the people hope for a just future; where these assholes were made to pay for their crimes. Then maybe he could make amends for the part he played when Los Pepes committed their atrocities. In the darkest part of his heart he felt partly responsible for the people’s hopelessness. With Escobar gone the Cali cartel took over and ran rampant over the country. They never would have acquired so much power if he didn’t help them try and take Escobar out. If he could make that right, he had to try.
Never in his wildest dreams did Javí ever suspect that they would catch a break like this. But, break or not, there was so much riding on this and everything had to be done by the book. His mind was already running through various strategies and tactics before he even turned to face Eve.
Poor Eve looked just as stunned as he did. The two of them stared blankly at each other for a moment. Both of their brains trying to digest this new information and how monumental this had the potential of being.
“What now?” Eve asked as she chewed on her thumbnail. “I mean, they obviously can’t sit on him forever or take him in by themselves. They’re only two men and this opportunity will probably never happen again.”
“You’re right, but too many cops in Cali are dirty. We can’t count on them for backup. They’ll tip them off and we’ll never find him again.” Javí stated the obvious with a huff. “I need to get down there myself. This is too big for me to stay here and twiddle my thumbs.”
“You’re not going in there alone, Javí.” Eve narrowed her eyes and stood in front of him. Almost as if she physically wouldn’t allow him to run off half cocked. She trusted his instincts but he really needed to think this through. “The three of you against the entire Cali cartel is ridiculous. Like Chris just said on the phone, Calderon wasn’t the ‘good police’ that he thought he was.”
“Fuck, I know.” Javí muttered under his breath.
“So it’s just the three of you.” Eve continued, as Javí rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms. “Don’t get me wrong, you’re good, Peña. But you’re not that good. Can you pull other agents in the area from their assignments?”
“There’s no time. I can only work with the people that I trust on this.” Javí answered as he sighed and licked his lips. “But have I ever told you how much I love the fact that you never tell me what I want to hear.”
“Well, this is the first time that I’ve ever dated a guy that’s smarter than I am.” Eve winked with a smile that completely dazzled him. “I’ve always figured that my old tricks wouldn’t work on you. Besides,” Eve sighed as she held his loving gaze. “I respect you too much for that. ”
“I dunno about that, Eve. Fuck you’re so beautiful.” Javí praised before he pulled her against him and slanted his lips against hers. Groaning when she kissed him back and ran her fingers through his hair. They were both so stoked about Cali, it was easy to get carried away, but they both knew they had to stop before they ripped each other’s clothes off. “Why have we never fucked in here, kitten?”
“In your office? Because we’re fine upstanding employees of the American Embassy!” Eve giggled as Javí laughed with her and squeezed handfuls of her ass in both of his large hands. “We’d never do such a thing. Unlike Katie and Stoddard. I’m pretty sure they’ve been hooking up in the break room for a few weeks now. But you didn’t hear that from me.”
“Good for him. I had no idea he had it in him.” Javí grinned as he nudged her chin with his nose to gain better access to her neck. He knew he had to hit the ground running, but leaving Eve was harder than he had anticipated. He’d been dying to have her back in his arms all day and had no idea when he’d have the opportunity to do so again. “Do you have any idea how often I’ve sat at that desk and pictured how good you’d look bent over it.” Javí darkly stated as he smoothed her hair.
“Good to know.” Eve wickedly smirked up at him. “I'm pretty sure that could be arranged. But I’ve often fantasized about your couch, or the records room, actually.”
“That could work, too.” Javí grinned as he placed a kiss to her forehead.
“But right now we have more pressing matters. Who else do you know that's clean?” Eve inquired as she quickly left him to go into his desk to find his spare necktie. He had to go back into professional mode soon and she wanted him to look his best. “There’s gotta be someone in power that still wants to take these guys out. You three can’t just go and knock on this asshole’s door like he’s a common criminal. He’s probably surrounded by a ton of scary men with guns.”
“Colonel Martinez.” Javí volunteered without hesitation as he raised his chin to give her room to tie his tie for him.
Javí was starting to wonder how he had ever done any of this before without her by his side. Eve had an uncanny way of lending him strength without making him feel small or weak. She was an asset to him in so many ways. Relationships were supposed to be harder than this, Javí mused to himself as she tied a perfect Windsor knot. Smiling when she left it and his collar loose for him, knowing how much he hated feeling strangled by his clothes.
He needed to be at his best in order to take down Gilberto Rodriguez. The thing was, Javí was beginning to feel that everything that made him feel his best nowadays, was looking up at him with the most beautiful blue eyes he had ever seen. Javí realized that Eve made him strong in a way that was real and undeniable. It was an odd feeling for him to open up and rely on another person in such an intimate way. But he was going to need that strength now more than ever.
“But...I dunno if the Colonel will even take my call. I’m not his favourite person right now. The last time I saw him he told me that the person responsible for unleashing Los Pepes should have been arrested instead of promoted. And to tell you the truth, I’m not really sure if I disagree with him.”
“Jav.” Eve softly cooed in front of him with a sympathetic pout. Bringing up his past with the Colonel made him look so ashamed and uncomfortable. He was unable to look her in the eye as she tied his tie for him and she hated it. “From the little that I know of the man, the two of you have always been on the same page. You just had different methods.”
“Methods?” Javí mocked with a trace of disgusted disbelief in his voice. “Don’t you start glossing over the things I’ve done, princesa.”
“You sound like me.” Eve smirked as she straightened his tie and smoothed out his collar. His hair was a little fluffier than usual, thanks to their little make out session. But, all in all, he looked professional enough at this late hour. “Look, don’t call. Just show up at his house, look him in the eye and he’ll see how dedicated you are. Besides, giving him the opportunity to take down Gilberto Rodriguez should make for a pretty impressive olive branch, don't cha think? But the real question I have for you, Agent Peña, is do you trust him?”
“I do.” Javí nodded. “I respect him, I really do. Martinez is smart and he has a lot of men that are loyal to him which is rare. He’s really our only hope at this point. His hatred of me and drug traffickers is well placed. Kinda makes me respect him more, to be honest.”
“Don’t say that.” Eve bitterly muttered while she collected his suit jacket from the couch now that she didn’t need it to use it as a blanket anymore.
There had been an edge to her voice that puzzled him. Javí raised a questioning eyebrow, motioning for her to explain the source of her frustration.
“You’re about to do something crazy dangerous!” Eve blurted out a little louder than she would have if they hadn’t been alone. “And you’re asking me to trust your life to a man that thinks you should be in jail. Sorry if it doesn’t exactly give me the warm fuzzies.”
“Hey.” Javí started as he took her face in his hands and caressed her cheeks with his thumbs. There was something else going on with her and he couldn’t leave without finding out what it was. “Talk to me. Are you okay?”
“I’m trying to be.” Eve admitted with a playful scowl that scrunched up her nose in the cutest way. “But wouldn't it be nice if you could take down the entire Cali cartel from the safety of your office.”
“Ah, I see.” Javí shyly smiled. She was worried about him.
He should have seen this coming. In all of their long conversations about Colombia and the cocaine trade, they’d never discussed how she’d feel about him possibly putting his life at risk again. The truth was, Eve had signed up for dating the head of the DEA, not an agent running operations in the field.
He really hoped that she could handle the stress better than Connie had back in the day. Eve was strong in a way that was rare, but Javí knew her heart. Of course she’d worry about him. Eve's protective nature was one of his favourite things about her.
But Javí tried to ignore the cold shiver of fear that ran down his spine when he considered that his job might become a deal breaker for her one day. It was easy for him to jump to the conclusion that, if the day ever came when Eve gave him an ultimatum; her or his career; he’d end up choosing the DEA. Javí looked away and smoothed out his moustache, hating himself for a choice that he hadn’t even made yet.
“Yes, that would be nice, wouldn’t it.” Javí hummed in a lame attempt to comfort her. “We could even break in my couch.”
“Serves me right for not dating a stock broker, I guess.” Eve tried to joke her way through the hard lump in her throat. Javí took her hand and studied her face as if he were expecting her to break in two. As comforting as his attention was, Eve hated that she had inadvertently made herself his sole focus. He had bigger things to worry about than her anxious jitters.
“Not a lot of stock brokers working at the embassy.” Javí tried to play along, but he couldn’t bring himself to see the humour. As he looked into her fearful eyes, it started to become more apparent to him that a safe stock broker type was the kind of man that Eve should be with instead of him. Someone that she wouldn’t have to wait up for. Someone who she’d never have to consider that every goodbye could be the last time that they ever saw each other.
But the truth was, Javí knew that he couldn’t let her go; even if it was the right thing to do.
He had wrestled with his conscience many times over the years and had made choices that, while serving the greater good, had also compromised his morals. This time, Javi had no excuses. He knew he was being completely selfish by ignoring the truth. Maybe if he was a better man, he’d let her go so he wouldn’t complicate her life. But he cared about her so much that it physically hurt - all he wanted was for Eve to find peace and truly be happy after everything that she had been through. “But there’s still time, Eve…” Javí whispered, hating the way the words sounded coming out of his mouth.
Eve had barely heard him but simply blinked as she let his words dance around her head. Javí had suddenly gotten serious and was trying to give her an out to find someone else.
Eve could see his point. Someone else could be predictable, steady and home at the same time every night. Someone else could put her first and admire her on a pedestal from a safe distance. But no one else would ever get as close to her as Javí had. No one else would ever see the real her or make her feel as alive as she’s felt over these past few weeks.
Eve couldn’t even imagine what a life like that would even look like. It was absurd. Javí was the closest thing that she had to purpose right now, and she wasn’t ready to give him up. She was just going to have to suck it up and deal with her nerves.
“Still time to find myself a stock broker?” Eve nearly laughed, refusing to take him too seriously. “Too late, I’m in pretty deep with my DEA agent. Besides, I have it on good authority that those frat boy wall street guys are a terrible lay and many take longer to get ready to go than I do.”
“Fair enough.” Javí laughed. Shaking his head at her cuteness and letting out the breath he had been holding.
“Be careful.” Eve ordered in a shaky voice. Looking him in the eye as if she were trying to memorize every single detail of his essence. She was scared for him but was trying her best to see the positive. Taking down the Cali cartel would be such an amazing accomplishment and she knew that he was just the man to pull it off. She should be excited for him and for the people of Colombia. But Eve had finally found love and wasn’t ready to lose it.
“I will. I promise, princesa.” Javí whispered before he tenderly and slowly kissed her lips.
How in the hell had Murphy said goodbye to Connie so many times before a stake out or a dangerous operation, Javí thought to himself as he kissed Eve. Javí had a newfound respect for his old partner because felt as though he were being torn in two as he tasted Eve’s soft lips; knowing that he had to leave her.
Especially, when he had no idea if she could truly handle being with a cop and all of the risks that came along with it. The thought that all of this could be too much for her hurt like a knife twisting in his gut. Javí took his promise to never hurt her seriously; maybe too seriously.
“I really want you to come home.” Eve whispered back as Javí brushed his nose against hers and the two of them shared the same breath. “So does Murphy. He likes you more than me.”
Eve kissed his smiling lips again and felt Javí tried to pour all of his feelings for her into the way he held her. He was so tender as he cupped her face in his large hands and brushed his thumbs against her cheeks. A stark difference from the wild passionate way that he had kissed her just moments before.
Fearing these might be their last moments together, Eve didn’t want to pull away. But she knew that she had to put some distance between them. She was positive that she seconds away from either bawling her eyes out. Or worse, begging him to not to leave her and have someone else take the risks. This was all so new to her. She wanted to support him, but if anything happened to him Eve knew that she’d never be whole again.
Luckily for her, Javí decided to be the grownup and finally pulled away. But he watched her intently; wishing again that he could read her mind. Eve was such a complicated woman and he wanted so badly to deserve her. But he’d have to leave for Cali in order for that to have any chance of happening. Putting the Cali cartel behind bars was the only thing he could think of to make amends. But leaving Eve was so much harder than he ever imagined.
“Don’t you dare, Javí.” Eve suddenly ordered in a serious no nonsense tone. He still looked so tortured and she couldn’t have him leaving on the most important operation of his life, worried about her.
Confused, Javí cocked his head to the side and tried to figure out what he had done wrong this time.
“I can see the wheels turning in your head, Javí. Snap out of it. You’re not choosing between me and your job.” Eve reassured him. It was easy for her to see that there was a war going on inside of his mind and the least she could do was settle it before he left. “Don’t be so dramatic, boss. I’ll be here when you get back. I might even let you fuck me at work if you bring him in alive.” She added with a wink.
Javí puffed out a soft laugh as he tucked some of her hair behind her ear. He’d be lying to himself if he claimed that there wasn’t a part of him that wanted to stay with her. Eve was trying to be brave, but he could see through her facade. It was odd because, never had anything rivalled his desire to take down the head of a criminal organization. Turns out, his feelings for Eve were just as strong. He’d never felt anything like it.
“I know you hate it when I say this,” Javí sighed. “But I really want to deserve you.”
“Well, we’re perfect for each other then. Because I want nothing more than to deserve you, Javí.” Eve gave him a small smile, but he still looked terrible. Javí needed to be on his game if he was going to take down Gilberto Rodriguez. But here he was, still worried her and if she could handle his absence. Fuck, Eve really wished that she was a better liar, but Javí could see right through her. “Don’t do this. Please, don’t do this.”
“What?” Javí’s eyebrows knitted together, annoyed and confused with her again.
“Stop worrying about me.” Eve exclaimed, nearly laughing at him in the process. “You’re about to take down Gilberto fucking Rodriguez and I’m going to be even more worried about you if you're distracted.”
“Fuck, you’re right.” Javí nodded as he took a deep breath and tried to get his head back in the game. Javí had no shortage of lies that he told himself to keep him from actually having an honest relationship in the past. But mostly, he had assumed that any female in his life would ultimately drag him down or distract him from his career goals. But here Eve was, setting him straight and making sure that he kept his edge in the field. She truly was amazing and so much more than he had ever expected.
“I usually am.” Eve smiled, giggling when he cocked his head to the side and nodded; conveying that she did have a pretty bad habit of being right. “We’re good. We’re better than good. I’ll be here when you get back and we’ll pick up right where we left off.”
“A part of me doesn’t want to go.” Javí admitted, his rich deep voice full of emotion. “That’s never happened to me before.”
“And here I thought you were making me soft.” Eve sweetly smiled up at him. Telling him how much she loved him was right on the tip of her tongue. But Eve convinced herself that admitting her feelings would do nothing to get him out the door without her weighing heavy on his mind. Eve convinced herself that Javí’s safety would always come first to her. But in reality, she was just a coward. What if Javí didn't love her back?
“Come on.” Javí gestured to his door and he followed her out and down the hall. “I’ll walk you home, then I’ll head to the colonel’s house. Hopefully he won't slam the door in my face.
“I don’t envy you.” Eve sympathized as the two of them quickened their pace and got into the elevator. “You and Martinez have to come up with a foolproof plan to not only arrest this guy. But you have to get him out of the city without tipping off the Cali cops. And quickly, before he relocates.”
“Any ideas?” Javí asked as they waited to reach the main floor.
“This isn’t really my area of expertise.” Eve chuckled but still considered it for a moment. “But, if my parents have taught me anything, a good lie needs to have a little bit of truth to it. Feistl told me that Calderon picked him and Dan up from the airport. So don’t be surprised if he’s there waiting for you, too.”
“It’s his city.” Javí nodded, amused that she already knew what was happening on the ground in Cali. “Nothing is going down without him knowing.”
“So, maybe trying to do all of this behind his back isn’t the greatest idea. You probably wouldn’t be able to pull it off for very long.”
“You’re right, though.’ Javí considered as he rubbed his jaw. “We can’t run around his city without him knowing. So tricking him into helping us might be our best bet. To the public, he can’t look too crooked. Even corrupt cops have to play both sides to maintain their public image. Fucking pathetic.”
“Redirection, maybe?” Eve brainstormed as she paced. “Can you and Martinez keep him and his men busy while you guys do the real police work? Is something like that even possible?”
“You are amazing.” Javí smiled as he held her face in both of his hands and pulled her against his lips.
Javí made sure that Eve got home okay before he made the trip to Colonel Martinez’s home. They bounced ideas off each other the whole way to her apartment and said good to each other one more time before they parted.
“I believe in you, Peña.” Eve called out to his back as he rushed down their hallway.
Eve’s words cause him to freeze in his tracks and look back at her. She was so beautiful standing in her doorway. He still couldn’t believe that someone like her wanted a man like him. She took his breath away.
For a second, Javí was about to call back and tell her that he loved her. But he quickly reconsidered. He was terrified that they hadn't been together long enough and that she wouldn’t take him seriously. But by god, did he ever love that woman.He just had no idea if she felt the same way. How could she?
“I’ll stay in touch.” Javí nodded. “Lock your door.”
“I will.” Eve smiled with nothing but admiration for her man shining in her eyes.
But Javí just couldn’t get his feet to move. He hated that his new relationship was clouding his judgement. He’d always had a soft spot for beautiful vulnerable women. But it felt as though Eve's presence in life was making that flaw more of an issue now. Not that Eve was particularly vulnerable. But she had let him in and trusted him a way that few women had before. He knew her heart better than he knew his own and would do just about anything to protect it.
“I’m I doing the right thing?” Javí asked from the other end of their long hallway. He wasn’t actually sure which one of his decisions he was asking her about. Ignoring the pending surrender deal or leaving her when he knew she was scared. Either way, he trusted her judgement.
“You’ll give them a victory, Javí.” Eve answered with as much confidence as she could muster. She could tell that he needed this and set her fears aside for him without hesitation. It was either the dumbest or most mature thing that she’s ever done. “Either way, the Cali cartel is going down. You know, as well as I do, that this is the right way. The better way. It’s a way that’s honest. The world respects justice, not backroom deals where criminals never pay for their crimes.”
What could Javí say to that? Eve had effectively silenced all of his doubts about leaving. Not only did she manage to convince him that she was okay, but that she believed in his cause. Reminding him of what was truly important, was the best antidote to the doubt swirling around in his chest.
“Lock your door. I mean it.” Javí called back. Giving her a solemn nod to thank her while he rushed down the hall and out of the building.
As Eve closed and locked her door (per Javí’s strict command) she took a moment to lean up against it. Closing her eyes and trying her hardest to calm her mind. She placed her hand on her tummy and choked back a sob. She’d already lost so much, she couldn’t lose Javí, too.
Little Murphy Muffins jumped off her couch and trotted over to see her. The kitten probably sensed her tense mood and rubbed up against her legs. Purring loudly and being his usual adorable playful self.
Javí would be okay, Eve tried to convince herself as she took a deep breath. He had to be.
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