Has become an earworm for me and I don’t know why?
Has become an earworm for me and I don’t know why?
the tragic thing is you have this perception that you're empathetic when you've only ever treated me like the right side.
You've always taken more than you give emotionally, you've always required support and then not known how to even offer it when the other person needs it. your romantic relationships are centered on you, your feelings, your wants and needs. when I needed support about things that had nothing to do with you, or if I was doing something without you for for myself, you always found a way to make yourself the focus - see: what happened when I found out Ben released those songs about me, me going on that hot springs trip.
no empathy for how I'm feeling in conflicts, no forethought or consideration for trying to be sensitive to my trauma despite knowing about it in great detail - you need to experience something firsthand to even begin to understand why it was upsetting but even then, the focus is usually more about you being upset that someone did to you what you did to them. no concern for how used you made me feel, in fact you got angry at me for feeling that way. you discarded and devalued me and then punished me for being upset, and eventually for taking you seriously and ending it.
you act like I'm the sidekick to your main character and assume I'm as obsessed with you as you are me. you acted like you were supposed to be the most important thing in my life, even more important than my own fucking autonomy.
sense of entitlement to violate my boundaries, to access my time, my body, my emotional labor. entitlement to trampling my agency and trying to control me and mold me into someone you wanted me to be. entitlement so severe you threw week long fits over the mere idea of me doing things you didn't want me to.
you think you're good... but you don't change your behavior to actually be good. you just hide how you treat me behind closed doors and present this sweet, people-pleasing image to people who don't know how you really are when someone gets close.
I'll never make that mistake again, don't worry.
enspired by @nails-teeth-neck s escapades i have. decided to drink baileys 2nite instead of wine. dairy things usually make me sick so we’ll see how this goes
no cause why are my profs sending stuff at four in the morning
i just want to be someone’s favorite person
for a folklore punisher bury me at makeout creek evermore pure heroine girl i surely sing electra heart with a little too much enthusiasm
*rant abt how lonely i am 🤧*
i wish i would stop sabotaging chances of actually having friends. like there’s about 3 people that have tried to talk to me all week and to every one of them i can’t really talk back, one guy came up to me (a friend of a friend) and asked me smash or pass and i said pass and just walked away. ofc it didn’t MEAN to be cold and i didn’t WANT the convo to end like that but i didn’t know what else to say, i didn’t even say bye. the other day another guy (kinda friends with my older sister) asked me how my life has been since last time we talked and i just said “okay, u?” and then he replied “good” and we didn’t talk after that. another time a girl came up to me and said “hey i really like your hair” and i just said thanks and said “i like urs too” and kept walking. those could’ve all been easy convo starters handed right to me but NO i HAVEE to basically just walk away from anyone that tries to talk to me and then i wonder why i have no friends. to be fair they came up to me out of nowhere but still i regret not stopping and saying more or even starting my own conversations with ppl. even ONLINE friends i just can’t hold conversation for the life of me.
today is my last day to find someone who can take even just TWO hours of my shift tomorrow. I refuse to work 12 hours. Three times. Especially after today, a very long midnight shift, I’m gonna have to get up at 5am tomorrow?? I don’t even care because nobody has responded to me in the chat I’m just gonna go up to them and be like HEY DO YOU WORK TOMORROW
A few nights ago I had a bad dream and I feel like it's a good representation of my life. I dreamt of being with my family, my aunt, my uncle, plus my little niece were there. We all were at a park. Next to the park, there was a street and the park was at a bottom of a hill. Then out of nowhere, a truck came with metal sticks wrapped in the back of the truck. But when the truck stopped all the metal sticks fall over and were rolling toward us. Everyone's first instinct was to run but I saw my niece in front of me and she was standing there, scared for her life. So I grab her and ran with everyone else. Then my aunt yelled for my niece thinking she got hit but I had her. My aunt ran to her but didn't thank me. Everyone was happy. Then, my dream transitioned into my mom and I being in a big house. It was like we were rich but for some reason, I had a face mask on. My mom was telling me how disappointed in me she was and she kept saying that my life was a failure. I tried so bad not to cry because I wanted to be strong. But then my mom told me to go away. So I did, I walked into the hallway and there was a mirror on the wall and I saw myself with the mask on. I broke out crying and I took off my mask and I had scratches all over my low face. It had looked like a cat had scratched me but the scratches were so thin. I still continued to cry in the mirror. The scratches were recent because some of them were still bleeding. Then, I woke up.
Having an attachment to someone that doesn’t match your energy is painful, once you figure it out it’s like walking in the cold rain without a coat . You try to detach by not checking your phone , and even if you reach out to them you’re still alone .
That feeling of being left alone by someone so close to your heart really sucks..it ruins your mental health even though everything is fine but the things aren't like before it's like all faded out and forgotten by the other one and the only one who still remembers everything is you.
That feeling guys.... can't even describe it
My light bill is gonna be higher this month bc my best friend has been leaving on this floor lamp she bought during the day for her big monstera & she's also been turning on the heat in the living or having me do it bc she doesn't want her plants to get too cold like...ily but this is not the way I want to live
Officially done with tea/ching the additional physics class. So now I have my free period back and I can put that extra cash towards my condo/townhouse.
Everyday I see Alma Madrigal hate against my will :|
I hate the fact that I think the only way I can protect myself is by being alone.
A Little Message For The Day …
“Caring” Good Day Friends Courage and Caring, Helping others give us purpose in life, I do know that sometimes we go through tough times as well, sometimes alone with no help whatsoever. Sometimes we feel like being up against a wall, tired of trying, not wanting to get up and face yet another day. We have been equipt with a a very strong courage and internal strength resource, you need to…
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