i don’t exist

april 6, i just slept a for ten hours after a heavy episode. i’m currently having one very three or four days. i don’t know why. it just gets too much sometimes, i guess. last night i furiously wrote a reply to an offensive message someone sent me on youtube. then got the feeling that i’m the worst and everyone would hate me. i called mika, but they were asleep. well, it was 3am. and i still felt guilty for calling them. i know they won’t be able to always be there for me, and i can’t just always talk to them when i’m feeling bad. but somehow i always do.

i don’t know what im up to at the moment. i spend my days trying to distract myself from the thought of giving up. i miss rose. it was her birthday last week. i almost texted her. i also fight with jojo often. we don’t see each other often because of obvious reasons, but still she manages to always upset me. and i’m fighting with my mom every day… i would love to just fucking disappear from here right now.

i want to fucking live, not just barely survive.

(april 6, 2020)

Someone please shut me up

// I want revenge

I want respect

I want a billion dollars and a Benz

I want a coffin full of all my enemies

I want all these rappers severed heads //

So I’m very allergic to mosquitos and one bit me the other day, now my neck is so swollen I look actually huge in my face and it’s so upsetting.

I made another mistake

I’m the best at making mistakes…

send asks for me to look at while I fall asleep and when I get up thx buds

thanks.

life’s twists and turns bring cutting so thanks for having back extra large band aids 👌

One thing that this quarantine is making me realize is my sleep schedule is getting messed up by this. I work twice a week generally and I chose morning shifts as my start so I wouldn’t stay up past 12:30am or 1am. Now that work is cancelled and I have to do it via zoom, for the past three or four nights I’ve gone to bed past midnight or close to 1:30am.

I use my laptop when in my bed which isn’t the best thing from what I’ve heard. It’s where I do my homework and remote work receiving/ sending emails and posting my discussion board replies left and right.

Also, one of the weird quirks or whatever I’ve picked up on my ptsd is I haven’t slept under my covers for at least a month now. I’ve slept on top with big blankets and enough to act as a weighted blanket altogether. I think not sleeping under my covers is because if I did, I have felt trapped sort of. Not claustrophobic trapped but trapped as in I just can’t move even tho I actually can and have no trouble whatsoever when sleeping like a normal person should when they have a bed and sheets and a comforter to go over those sheets and blankets.

Because of trauma I have remembered from when I was about 8 or 9 years old, I can’t sleep under my covers bc every time I do and I get that “I’m trapped” or something feeling, I immediately feel like I’m seeing his figure looming over me and his hand reaching out. God it makes me sick right now just typing it out. That’s as clean as I can keep it without triggering anyone hopefully but it’s just. It’s a whole other thing I have to talk to my therapist about and I know that. I just wanted to put this here and see if anyone has any insight to this or something.

Idk why it still happens it’s like it is an unconscious thought manifesting into a small hallucination or something when it’s completely dark in my room. Those general dark hallucinations we all get when we stare at something in a dark room for too long and our brain tries to make sense of it and morphed it into something weird and god awful that brings nightmares.

As much as I wanna tell him I love him

I can’t

He isn’t ready for me.

a full bed and still empty

‪Now I’m sad and scared that she’ll leave me because I’m so used to being left when people realize how I really am. I don’t know why people like me. Why do I even have the few friends that I have? I’m such a freak.‬

I still here Queen’s Love Of My Life and I tear up with the overwhelming sense of loss that comes from the nostalgia. Fuck feelings man, I’m tired of this hurt.

I had a dream last night that I was happy and eating with my friends. I woke up crying because I realised it’s a life I’ll never have…

Eu aceitei que estou sozinha. Acho que esse foi mais um passo para me sentir melhor.

Eu simplesmente aceitei. É isso. Eu posso conhecer pessoas e me divertir nessa vida, mas eu nunca vou ser a pessoa que fica, que permanece, eu sou como o vento, totalmente passageiro.

Acho que eu entendi tudo. Algumas pessoas cativam, permanecem, fazem morada… Eu só não sou essa pessoa.

Nothing changes

I’ll always be unhappy

i just want somebody to die for

Originally posted by ka-7

You know what I hate about time?

It doesn’t stop and look back

to make sure I’m not too far behind

or passed out on the track.

I-I was playing a h-horror game with my s-sister now I feel a-anxious