Found outside tumbler so I don't know who to credit.

My chest has a deep hole, and every time something hurts me I feel like it gets deeper and deeper

everyone is an advocate for mental illness until ugly symptoms start to show up and not “i’m sad sometimes 🥺” type shit. YOU ONLY ADVOCATE WHEN ITS CONVENIENT

I can’t breathe some nights, my anxiety gets so loud it’s hard to drowned out, the only sound ringing in my ears is the thumping of my heart, as my head races in circles. I get so nauseous, my stomach gets tied in knots trying to choke back the sickly feeling creeping throughout my body. Overwhelmed, gasping digging my way back to the surface, barely reaching before I’m submerged back into the abyss. This can go on for hours, some nights I feel like it’ll never stop, I never know when sleep will come. Tossing, and turning trying to shut out the ringing of my own chest, hoping and praying that sleep finds me soon.

I feel like I forget what my own values and beliefs are by being in this relationship. I always settle for less when it comes to myself but give more to you.

"Where do you see yourself in five years"

I don't see myself in five years.

The realisation that I truly have no desire to live is a terrifying one.

I do not want to do this any more.

I don't want to be alive.

Why do I have to be alive?

The Falcon And The Winter Soldier - 2021

E1 - SAFE

E2 - SAFE/Caution - M•

•M• One mention of p*.

E3 ~ E4 - SAFE

to my younger self,

i wish away all your pain, i wish away the things that could have been avoided, i wish away the broken parts of people that made you me, i wish away the parts of people that tore away your innocence, i wish for you to stay young and at peace forever.

i wish for you not to be me.

i feel so empty. so empty that it feels as if my skin could collapse in on itself. like every bone, every organ, every blood vessel, every part of me has vanished. i’m empty and alone. i’m empty and broken. i’m so very empty

So...

What the actual fuck

Choke me 🖤

I don't want to live

Yet I don't want to die

Gratitude - 10/04/2021

Feelings This Evening:

Sad

Tired

Anxious

Heavy Hearted (not sure if that's an emotion)

I am so sad to hear of the death of Nikki Grahame. I’ve always enjoyed watching her and reading her book was really eye opening for me. It’s truly heartbreaking she wasn’t able to overcome her illness but she must have suffered so much already, I only hope she has found her peace.

I feel like there's a lot of sadness and heaviness around at the minute, particularly with loss and grief. It’d hard for me as reading things like this really affect me, even though they're not people I know personally. I feel for people’s situations. On days like this its just as important for me to keep practising gratitude (not to be insensitive though). Today I am grateful for:

The people I have in my life who I can trust and who understand me and support me through my own struggles with Mental Health.

A nice walk this morning.

The realisation that feelings change and even the most difficult will pass and give way to new ones.

The power of writing and how much it helps me.

The ability to feel for others even though it can be hard to feel so many emotions at times.

The small parts and details I know about my Mum and her difficult life. I don’t know much about her but I hold on to the things I do.

Cooking?? More like salads and meal replacement shakes

the fact that you gave me no warning signs. nothing couldn’t warned me for any of this. how fucking mean can you be? you knew how much i was struggling and what would happen if you left, especially the way that you did. it was so fucking mean. did you just not care enough to give me any signs? claiming that you didn’t want to leave up until that very moment and you couldn’t explain why?? that makes no fucking sense and you know it. it’s been 3 fucking weeks and im still sitting here suffering and you’re able to “figure things out”. i want to die because of what you did to me but i would still take it all back in a second. it’s not fair.

i just don’t understand how there are god awful people who are in a relationship and the people theyre with just stay but i get kicked to the curb for absolutely fucking nothing. he literally admitted he didn’t have a reason. “I just can’t be in a relationship right now” after living at my house for two weeks and agreeing to stay another night to help me with homework. after promising me he would never leave and he would love me forever. after talking about getting an apartment together and getting married and growing old together. did you feel like you “couldn’t be in a relationship” during all those times? did you feel like you couldnt be in a relationship that same morning when you pulled me closer and said you loved me more than anything? why me. why can’t i just be loved and happy? Fuck you.

Natural Disaster

I always feel like my head is too stuffy; like there's too many thought spiraling in a space that is far too small to contain them comfortably or effectively.

The thoughts: be it over-analysing every possible scenario, be it the horrifying and sometimes even nauseating intrusive thoughts, or the self depreicating inner monologue, it all spirals in my head, all of the time.

I feel as though I'm overwhelmed constantly at the same time as feeling incompetent for being mentally and emotionally unable to do even the simplest of tasks.

The stress boils over into panic. The suffocating hand of responsibilities and expectations steal away my breath in an instant and the self doubt sprinkled with the fear of public humiliation of breaking down snatch away any rational thoughts, thus leaving me a lost, confused, and terrified mess whose lungs feel tight laced and whose eyes roam aimlessly, searching blindly for something to ground me again.

And that brings the shameful tears. It crashes over me like a tsunami; unstoppable and destructive.

please just tell me im not a horrible person

Mis letras me salvan de morir de tristeza...