i don’t exist
april 6, i just slept a for ten hours after a heavy episode. i’m currently having one very three or four days. i don’t know why. it just gets too much sometimes, i guess. last night i furiously wrote a reply to an offensive message someone sent me on youtube. then got the feeling that i’m the worst and everyone would hate me. i called mika, but they were asleep. well, it was 3am. and i still felt guilty for calling them. i know they won’t be able to always be there for me, and i can’t just always talk to them when i’m feeling bad. but somehow i always do.
i don’t know what im up to at the moment. i spend my days trying to distract myself from the thought of giving up. i miss rose. it was her birthday last week. i almost texted her. i also fight with jojo often. we don’t see each other often because of obvious reasons, but still she manages to always upset me. and i’m fighting with my mom every day… i would love to just fucking disappear from here right now.
i want to fucking live, not just barely survive.
(april 6, 2020)