This page is like a void to yell into and even the echo is missing. I haven’t yet decided whether that is a good or a bad thing.
At least there’s some outlet for my mental breakdowns.
0I’ve been having this very intrusive thought about running head first into a brick wall. Do you guys think it would go away if I did it?
0“We’re just grains in the universe. I let that comfort me when I’m anxious”
- Hotell Walls, Smith & Thell
2I’m not okay and nobody cares if I am or not.
I had a panic attack. A big one. I called for you. You watched my tears run uncontrollably down my face. You didn’t try to console me. You didn’t even touch me.
I’m losing my grip. I’m fading away. I’m not sure I even want to get better anymore. I don’t want to exist at all. I don’t understand. Anything. It feels like everyone is talking in a highly complex language while I only know shapes and colours.
Everyday things get a little harder. I woke around noon. Stayed in bed watching the tapestry above my bed dance with the breeze of the ceiling fan. It was almost 3 when I forced myself out of bed. No energy to shower. Cleansing wipes it is. Didn’t put thought into what I was wearing. Turned out all black as usual.
Went to the pharmacy for my new prescription. I already have a feeling it won’t help. I need to see an actual psychiatrist. Rob is nice, but he keeps hopping through mood stabilizers. They aren’t working because I’m not bipolar. I’m really fucking depressed. Treat me for major depressive disorder. What you’re doing isn’t going to magically change. You’re trying to shove a square through a triangular hole.
I cannot care for myself. As much as I think I can, I cannot. I need someone to advocate for me. Someone with my welfare in mind. Idk how to find someone to help me though.
The days have blurred together. I often don’t even know what day it is. I keep track of feeding my pets with alarms and a whiteboard check list. Even that system is slowly failing.
How do I express my needs when talking about them directly is dismissed? When I have no clue what to do or who to ask.
How do I stop feeling like this?
How do I stop feeling period.
0Can I just say, if someone says they have a phobia, don’t fuck around with them. Like, don’t use it against them because then you’re an asshole.
I have Nyctophobia, fear of the dark, and if someone were to forcefully put me in darkness for laughs, I would actually cry and hit them.
ITS A FUCKING PHOBIA FOR A REASON!!!
I was born with this fear, I can’t control it, so don’t use it against me because you think it’s funny. I might have an anxiety attack if you were to do that to me for a long period of time.
Not directed at anyone, it just pisses me off when people do those kinds of things.
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I don’t know what am I going to do with my life, I feel like i should be doing something already but I have no idea what
0October 21st, 2020
122.3
Ehh that was a long enough break I guess lol I miss my daily entries.
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I made dinner for E and I Monday night and brought it to him when he got home from work. It was spaghetti squash with fresh tomatoes and ricotta cheese. It was really fucking delicious 🤤 and later that night he told me that while he was eating it he was thinking about our future together and then last night when I stayed over we were cuddling and he just randomly said “I’m gonna make you my wife one day” 🥺
He’s so fucking CUTE 😤 I could easily write a series of books at this point with all the lovey shit he says to me.
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He works this Saturday so I’m gonna spend the day working on my room. It’s become a disaster and I just have to clean up. And we might do something to celebrate my dad’s bday.
4Twisted meadowlark fantasies crumble when the branches break the sun. In hell a fire roasts your soul, toasting regrets never won. Just crumbling down from a quarantine from work. I swear I was born for this shit. Of course I’d rather have a spun little princess to experiment my desire on. Just not in the cards. People don’t get me and the ones that could I avoid. When you have so many demons ready to bursts out you really dont want to let people in and put them in harms way of your soul devouring them. At least I can blast at the demons enough for them to shut up. Finding peace in chaos, always.
1I wish I was actually sick. Like physically you can see it sick sometimes. I just want to throw up not just feel like I’m gonna throw up all the time. I need to puke up all the negative.
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