I cared for you
For me I thought you did too
People drift just like the leaves
You might fall from the tree
Gently crushed by those walking right by you

🌸I’ve been binge watching a lot of Disney movies lately, it makes me want to find a prince of my own🌸

remember when I said something big was gonna happen on November 22nd a few days ago and I could feel it and people got mad saying I was crazy? FUCK YOU. This was just announced today after being delayed in September. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I WAS RIGHT I WIN FUCK YOU

I wish I didn’t delete that post but I got annoyed at people sending asks saying I was bad for posting it but I was right, like always. What a surprise 

0 days clean

wow.

I fucking relapsed, again.

I fucking cut, again.

in school, again.

it felt so good, even if it hurt.

I actually wanted to kill myself but pussied out.

I hope they wont be that seenable when I go to school tomorrow.

the last thing I want, is someone to find out.

how fun is it to know that your parents have been talking about your messed up brain with your therapist for the past hour🤡🤡

Therapy rant

Just ignore me but I have to scream into the void for a bit.

So I’m currently seeing a counselor at my college. I’ve met with her on and off since my sophomore year and overall it’s been good for me. I’ve been through a lot of therapists in my life and learned to ways to get around them and avoid things and lie my way out when I didn’t want to be there. But my current counselor is probably the best therapist I’ve ever had. And that’s because she doesn’t let me get away with shit. I can’t pull any “I don’t know” or avoidance crap that gets me nowhere.

So there was something I buried deep down (because I still hate dealing with emotions) that I finally brought up last week because it was eating away at me from the inside out. And while I totally needed that therapy session it was terrible. In the short term I felt so much worse. I cried and I hated letting it all back up to the surface. I hated how my counselor reacted to it and what she said to me. But eventually the anger faded away and I realized that though it was not what I wanted or expected, it was what I needed. I was still trudging through all of last week.

Then Sunday night I had a bitch of a nightmare. I was back in counseling and she made me recount the entire experience, start to finish. I could feel everything happening to me, I felt panicked and frozen and terrified. And then I woke up. I woke up at one of the worst points in the dream. And I was trapped there. In every aspect. I physically felt it. I was frozen and about to cry. And I couldn’t pull myself out of that moment. It stuck with me the entire day and it was awful.

So today I went back to counseling. I told her about my dream. But yesterday and today I’ve felt a little better than I did last week. So we hardly talked about anything. When actually counseling me, my therapist is great, but so much time in our sessions is spent by her bringing up random stuff and is talking about off topic things. I love to avoid my problems but I know that right now I need that time to be healing. I need to be asked the hard questions and forced to confront my trauma but things get so off track. And I don’t know what to do about that. Because I don’t want to talk about it. But I need to. Because yeah I feel a little better but I’m not okay. I’m not anywhere near okay. I need help and I’m not going to anyone else because first of all I’m not starting from scratch with another person and I don’t do well with generic therapists. I need someone who is tough on me. And I don’t know what to do about it. Because I still am depressed and want to do nothing but lay in bed all day. I still need help and I need to deal with this. I just don’t know what to do.

is cereal soup?

When I REMINISCE about the past I am reminded of how long I have actually been lost

I am allowed to feel lost.

I am not the person I used to be.

I am not the person I thought I would be by now.

Some of those changes are natural— GROWING UP HAPPENS.

Some of those changes were compromises I made with the future I thought I wanted and the path put before me.

It’s not about resenting the fact that I’m not where I thought I would be.

It’s about realizing the reasons I am where I am.

The CHOICES I made to get here.

Those choices really are what matter. Those choices are really the reflection of who I am.

I chose to follow my heart

I chose to trust in love.

I am proud of those choices.

Maybe one day I’ll be proud of the person I have become.

I’ve been feeling extra empty lately…

{All of the pics are mine}

😬😬😬😬😬😬🤐

Daily reminder:

I don’t even have to know where I’m going or how I’ll make it there in order to know I’ll be happy.

-Ha öngyilkos akarnék lenni, megmentenél?

-Igen.

-Akkor előbb téged öllek meg.

“A cage of gentle hands is still a cage, and i know this now.”

— Brenna Twohy

“this weed doesn’t get me any higher, but without it i’m someone i’m not. i always had addictive tendencies, first things started out with punches on the leg and here we are now carving lines into my skin like it is nothing. i cannot stand a world where i am not high, i just couldn’t take it. having to listen to my thoughts racing at 100km an hour sober when instead i could listen to an eased mind when high.”

— addictive tendencies (@thethoughtsofthelonely)

«Nunca me parecía el momento adecuado. Pero nunca es el momento adecuado, claro».

- Mil veces hasta siempre, John Green

I know my friends deserve someone better. I know my mom deserve a daughter better. I know they are always trying to do everything for me but it’s never enough. I feel like an ungrateful. I don’t want to be another weight. I hurt myself bc I feel angry with myself for to do It with them, for cannot let them without this weight that am I. I feel like everyday I’m drowing more and more and I Just want to dope myself more and more and forget that I’m here. I’ll always pretand that I’m Fine, bc I don’t want them to cry for me. I love them. I feel disgusted with who I am, and we don’t want to be close to what we feel disgusted. I will not feel disgusyed anymore.

so after my 52hr fast and even eating really badly last night after fainting, i lost 4.2 pounds.

not as much as i wanted but I’m still happy.

Still going on my next fast currently, just drank some electrolyte water and took tylenol to beat this stupid headache.

send tips on how to handle fast symptoms like stomach ache, nausea, headache, joint aches

I Just want to dope myself bc I want to forget everything, forget who I am and how dispicably I am I’m fine

Al caer la noche después de ir a la playa mis penas volvieron más fuertes que nunca, el llanto incontrolable se hizo presente y lo único que me preguntaba era porque seguía llorando..