How do I… yknow… turn off my brain?
How do I… yknow… turn off my brain?
What is happening with that cute little child inside of me why isn’t it happy anymore. I feel like a total disappointment. I didn’t want this life but I can’t change what happened. I just want to feel loved just once more. I hated you the one day and the other day you were gone and I couldn’t even say that you were my hero. I miss you so much. I forgive you. I will never forget you.
In the past few weeks, I’ve developed a social fear.
I can’t even go grocery shopping by myself or meet my friends. When I only think about it , it makes me feel bad and I just want to hide.
There are two voices inside my head. One is screaming and trying to destroy my life and the oder one is whispering and trying its best to make me feel more comfortable.
I am lost and I can’t do anything.
“It’s not about anxious vs. not anxious; it’s about being an anxiety ninja.”
How can I see the truth when you fog my glasses with your lies?
it’s been a while since i last wrote something here. life’s really shit rn. i feel trapped. i gave the scissors i used to cut to my sister so i can cut anymore. i wish i could that the reason i gave her was bc i wanted to stop but it isn’t, i gave it her bc she was so desperate and worries abt me and i wanted to make her feel less worried abt me. so know i cant. and i miss it so much these days ive punching the walls to hurt myself instead but it isn’t the same. and its (ironic i know) killing me inside. it was the only thing that helped. but i can just tell them that it really helps (well ofc it isnt the most healthy coping mechanism) but to me it makes so much sense. and i guess its very worrying that i think that blablabla, but sometimes i just can’t bring myself to care. i just wanna feel something for gods fuck’s sake, is that really to much to ask?
I took more antidepressants than prescribed with alcohol rn again, and uhm fingers crossed. I’m hoping for anything literally anything. Diarrhea, throwing up, dizziness, dying would be good but I don’t think that’s possible tonight :-|
I felt “fine” yesterday
But when I woke up today, the world sat on my chest.
I worked really hard to focus on my breathing.
I caught it. What a relief.
I feel like i have to stretch my whole body. Like when i stretch, im going to break muscles and release whatever the fuck this feeling is.
It didnt work.
I have to cry. I know crying will help me. My tears are all lined up and ready to go. But there are people around.
“Why are you so quiet?”
I respond, “im good. Just tired”
I not lying. I am tired. SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF THIS.
My anxiety is a fucking monster that comes and goes as it pleases. It doesnt knock on the door, it kicks the door down anf makes itself comfortable. It lingers until its ready to leave.
I trying talking to it. I tell it how much i hate it, how much it ruins my life. I tell it, BEG it to leave me alone. but it doesnt. It laughs at me. and watches me roll into a ball, for days at a time. It feeds off of my tears.
My anxiety is a monster. I just want to catch my breath again.
fuck you. fuck you for thinking that I’d drop everything for you on my birthday. fuck you for the fact that your own daughter was your second choice
And last of all, fuck you for raising a kid that isn’t even yours when you couldn’t even raise your own 3 children
Some days are fun, some are fine, but days like today…all I want to do is die. Sadness has control of my mind and nothing is right in the world.
All my monsters screaming skinny
I haven’t left my house in 5 days, i’m so bored but also the thought of making plans and hanging out with people seems so exhausting.
sometimes i can’t tell what i feel. no words can explain what i’m feeling
Not to get depressive on main but I need to vent.
I know that deep down no matter who I date, who I fuck, who I love, and who I care about. I’ll never be happy with myself. I’ll never think I’m good enough because of my birth gender, and even though I’m trying to prove that i am in fact a man now. Someone or something will always be there telling me that i can’t escape what I “am”. Off and escape my dead name with out my mother complaining about how “she picked out my name because she liked it.” I honestly could give zero fucks mom! But i can’t say that to your face because just like my ass of a father you’ll play the victim card if I try to voice my emotions, thoughts, opinions.
There are other things o can’t escape. Like the fact knowing even if I think im in love right now. Ill end up hurting them or myself. I know damn well I’m most likely going to end up alone. I can’t escape the fact when ever my mother looks at me all she can see is my father. It hurts because I don’t want to be the monster he is. I’ll never be able to overcome my ptsd.My depression and anxiety will never go away. The pills won’t work anymore. I can’t escape. I’m a prisoner in my own mind.
Did some shopping at the little shop down the road for me… felt good to leave the house for a bit and support a small business!!
When you feel depressed because of your appearance, it’s like a double-edge sword, in your mind you start to think that you’re doing something wrong for feeling bad about something that seem so shallow and silly; but then you look in the mirror and it feels like your heart breaks, you feel pity for yourself, and then I started asking myself: how can I feel this way for something like this when the world is collapsing out there? But then I know I have a problem and I know that I need help to get over this, but it’s something you can’t just talk about with somebody because you know that everyone will think that you are just looking for compliments and that you’re cocky and immature; but the reality is that no matter how many people tells you that you look good because at the end of the day it is you the one who is not satisfied, you’re the one who is destroying yourself.