Distant Mountains On a Misty Morning
#717898 | #9398BF | #C1ADC5 | #9882AC | #73648A
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That Feeling When You Want to Run Away Into the Forest and Never Come Back
[ Request for @meowstic-seer-of-the-future ]
#20252B | #303C4A | #2F4846 | #1A3A3B | #1C221F
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I swooped up this huge bouquet of delphinium, foxglove, and Canterbury bells at the farmers market today. They smell so good! Sketched a stalk of the foxglove, but really can’t do justice to them, they are magnificent.
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Michelangelo meets Van Gogh🦋
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This is currently one of my favourites not only because I got to ogle at their masterpieces, but also as an artist it gave me a challenge. This is a different take on the entire painting as a whole (duh) and balancing out the various tones.
Also, what kind of conversation would it be if they would’ve met?
2So idk how to start this but the last time i was on tumblr was probably five to three years ago, it’s hard to remember but it was around when the whole banning porn thing happened that i started to stop using tumblr. So coming back and posting my stuff on here has been extremely surreal.
I’ve never been the type of person until recently to try and post my work online, and I mean take getting my work out there seriously. My entire online existence has been that of a passive audience member. Whenever there has been drama going on I have always thought of myself as the person in the background eating popcorn watching it all unfold lol. For tumblr particularly, I’ve been using it probably since 2009 (?). I’ve never tried to engage with others, hell the only time I did that was when I used Gaia online (throwback), and that was because I was super into RPing back in the day.
So idk posting mystuff on here and even just getting over 50 likes on something has been surreal. Honestly it’s because for years I never thought i was good enough…for anything really. Attention. Artistic skills and prowess. Even jobs. I have been in denial for the past seven years that i have had a serious anxiety and depression stemming from some imposter syndrome. It feels like in the last year or so have I finally been able to accept that. Because of that I viewed myself in such a negative and toxic light that I was never happy with myself, and made those issues worse, which made me view myself worse.
With my self-esteem so far below sea level it was probably close to the Earth’s Core, I dumped my happiness into others. The only way I could feel happy was based on those close to me, my family and girlfriend of soon to be five years. And not saying they aren’t great people, I’m so lucky to be born into the family I’m in and to have someone like my girlfriend to be my partner. They have always been supportive of me, and genuinely love me for who I am. Using the love they have for me to help prop up my self-esteem isn’t a bad thing.
The problem was my unhappiness with MYSELF made it so they were the ONLY the way I could feel happy, and I made them into that.
The problem with that was, there is only ONE person that can make YOU happy, and that is YOURSELF. Things such as true pride in your work, happiness about who you are as a person can only be achieved by your acceptance and love for yourself. People can help you get there but they can’t make you accept yourself. You have to do that.
Its like the saying, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.”
One thing that made me learn to accept myself was art. I’m nowhere near the skill I want to be (because I felt that I wasn’t good enough as an artist and gave up for the longest time), but I have been finding the things I like about my art being at peace with it. I will get better next time.
And that’s the thing, the most important advice I have ever read was: Everything you draw is just practice for the next one.
I felt like my third eye opened.
As soon as I read that it felt like the walls came crumbling down. I was so mad at myself for being a terrible artist/person that when I went to punch the wall in front of me, my fist just went through it. The wall was never real… I just thought it was.
I was stunned for awhile, and then…I just walked through it.
I am still nowhere near the skill I want to be, but everytime I draw I just think after this I’ll apply something I learned from this to the next one. This has made art so much better for me, and has just improved my life so much. Just that small thing.
Because honestly, I have realized that so many barriers in front of me for not achieving X thing were simply because I thought I couldn’t reach it. And because I thought it so, it was. It made me realize how important perspective was, and belief as well. How self-imposed a lot of my shortcomings were because I simply believed I couldn’t reach it, and because I believed it was true, it was. Not because of any physical or actual barriers like idk money, fame or anything like that.
And so if anyone reads this long ass shit, my only advice is please believe in yourself. It isn’t selfish to focus on your happiness, and by doing so everything else will make you happier. You are the foundation of all the people and things that will make you happy. If you are not happy, then others will not make you happy. Money will never make you happy. Not because there are awful people around you, or the objects around you aren’t great, but because you are not happy. Your unhappiness with yourself will never allow for the joy people bring you to lift you up.
So yeah, love yourself, be kind, and thank you for listening
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