#awareness Tumblr posts

  • femmenickmiller
    07.12.2021 - 5 minutes ago

    I don’t wanna die, but I’m fairly certain if something did happen to me not many people would care… and that sucks like a lot

    #I promise this isn’t me being su!cidal #I’m just acutely aware that I’m not important to people #thoughts #all my texts left on read? #ya friends aha
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  • beingmealways
    07.12.2021 - 7 minutes ago

    I just need a hug. A great big hug that will help hold me together. Just help me get through this day. This week. This month.

    #victims of suicide #suicide awareness#struggle #barely holding it together #life after loss #loss of a loved one #lost love#grief/mourning #coping with grief #stages of grief #grief #dealing with grief #how do you grieve #it's okay to grieve #let me grieve #grieve #it's okay to be sad #i'm not okay #life isn't always how you want it to be #life is hard #life is a struggle #holiday sadness
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  • annakittenn
    07.12.2021 - 10 minutes ago

    To Take Back What I Took. To Take Hold of You.

    A story of two lives

    Written by Anna Elise

     Cassie’s world is a mess, and her emotions are starting to reflect it. The line between dissociation and reality draws thinner each day, and one day, Cassie does something that she deeply regrets.

    Spencer has fallen in love with Cassie. But his eyes fill with sorrow and his heart hangs heavy in his chest as he witnesses something he will never forget.

     TW: self-h@rm, depression, suic*de, dissociation.

    4.8k word count

     Chapter 1

     Cassie

    I can't keep running, I know there is nowhere else for me to go. My vision goes blurry as the tears start to fill my eyes. In the back of my mind, I run through memories. Memories of someone else that I've pushed to the side. I can picture us lying intertwined in the back of the car passing through the city lights, lying together in a large hammock just inside the woods, next to my house, in the warm August evening with the moon just above our heads. I remember lying together on the couch studying as we hold our hands tight not saying a word to one another but knowing that the spark between us was more than an electric jolt. And suddenly, they had caught up to me. Yelling my fake name, I turn and face them as I am backed up against a wall, they garb me and sit me down on the bench a few feet away. I gain a bit of consciousness and quickly feel an intense burst of emotions; embarrassment was the one to fill my cheeks the most. I really had the police, hospital security, and several members of hospital staff running around chasing after me for a good 30 minutes or more. When my reality had finally caught up to me, all I could feel was sincere regret. I wish I would have just stayed home today.

     The day started off pretty normal with my mom yelling through my bedroom door instructing me to get dressed for school or else I would be late to choir for the 3rd day in a row. But choir really shouldn't be at 7am. I crawled out of bed and rolled up my sleeves and am startled at the sight of what I forgot I did last night. My little habit back at it again and the fresh red lines were burning my skin. I get dressed, look in the mirror, and step back in fright at the creature before me who I don't feel I recognize. Depersonalization and derealization are like familiar backrooms of my mind that I can't escape. The numbness is starting to tingle. I take my hair out of my braids, attempt a smile, and walk out.

     His stellar green eyes, soft skin, and wavy brown hair; I am in awe. Spencer catches my gaze and tries to get my attention, "Cass? Cassie! Are you okay?" He looks worried. I don't know why he noticed me; I was looking at Zach. "What are you doing? Why are you staring at me like that? Oh no, are you catching feelings for me?" Zach says as he laughs like it's so funny to him that I would like him. "God Zach, why do you have to be like that" I exclaimed. I wasn't catching feelings, I had caught feelings, a long time ago, and they won't go away. Just looking at him, I can feel my heart skip a beat. His hand brushed mine as he reached across the table to the sketch book at my side. "When are you going to let me see your project?" Zach asked quickly, grabbing my sketchbook away from me. "I-I don't know yet, I haven't figured out what I want it to be." I screeched as I yank it right back out of his hands. Art class was the best class, but my head was too full of ideas to think of just one. "Well, I'll be done with mine soon he proudly stated. "Wow, that's great Zach, I'm glad you have your life put together." I said in a slightly annoyed yet melancholy tone. "Okay, what's your problem today." He sounded concerned or irritated, I couldn't really tell. "I don't have a problem" I said in a stern voice. I didn't want to talk about my problems. My problems never seem to go away. But they could... Just that small bottle of pills I have lying inside my backpack could certainly solve all of them. Well not solve, more like put off indefinitely. Anyways I'm too much of a pussy to even try. And I don't think I want to die. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. Zach stood up and walked over to the counter to grab some charcoal to mess around with on a blank canvas, but as he did, he tripped over my bag and the contents of it fell out. Panic struck my face as saw the bottle of prescription pills I had stolen roll across the cement floor. Trying to keep calm, I quickly kneel to the floor, gather my things, and desperately reach for the bottle before it rolled all the way under the shelves of sketch pads and canvases. It was too late. The bottle was against the wall, under the shelves, and I just sat there dumfounded at the fact that I now had to crawl on the hard floor like a freak to try and get them back. I look around to see if anyone was watching, Spencer looked at me weird, but I didn't care. He wouldn't know what I was doing anyways. I slowly move towards the shelves, trying to not draw attention to myself, and reach under them with my long, thin arms. I could feel dust, dried paint, and pencils—so many pencils that must have gotten kicked under here. I can just almost reach it. I was so close, and then I hear my name being called. I look over my shoulder and see Spencer looking at me with concern. "Um, do you need help?" He asked sightly confused as to what I was doing. "I-I dropped my pencils" I said trying to think of an excuse fast enough. "Okay, well, let me help." As he said those words he got up and knelt on the floor beside me. "It's okay I can reach it." I lied. I couldn't quite grab it. Instead, I grabbed one of the random pencils that was under there and pulled it out. "See! All good here." I showed Spencer the pencil and got back up to my seat. He stood up, look at me, and said "okay then" as he headed back to his section of the table. We sat at a round table in the corner of the messy, eccentric, art room. Zach, Spencer, and I have always sat here. We were loyal students of Mr. Reed and sadly, this was our last year of art class. Art is an elective and not many people choose to take it for more than just one year. Most people like to get their fine art credit requirement out of the way and leave to go onto other classes. But not us, we were always here; after school, during lunch, during other classes that we skipped to come here instead. This was our happy place, and we knew we fit in well here. But as I sat in my chair staring at the shelves, I could feel some of my happiness leave me. I needed to get that bottle back. I waited for Zach and Spencer to get up and walk over to Mr. Reed and start to talk to him about meaningless nonsense as they always did, and I made my move. I quickly taped together pencils and a paperclip at the end as a hook. I knelt on the floor, used my phone flashlight so I could see my target, and dragged the bottle out. My heart was racing, and I almost slipped as I was getting back into my chair as quick as I could. This time, I don't think anyone saw me.

     Class continued and finished, and as the bell rings, I grab my stuff and move onto the next class. The halls are always so noisy and crowded. I squish myself between people just trying to get through. And then I feel a tug, and someone grabs my hand. I turn around to see Spencer with his puppy dog eyes looking at me. "Are you okay? Hey, Cass, you don't seem like yourself today?" I stutter over my words but manage to squeeze out only a short answer of "I'm fine" before more people in hall walk between us and pull us apart and I find myself, again, walking to my next class. Spencer is a good friend; I just don't understand why he always bothers me about how I'm doing. I don't think he would even understand anyways he's never looked depressed a day in his life. He is always happy, always smiling, always caring about people. Maybe he just cares about me, he is a great friend.

     The next class was more stressful than I had expected. English class was always so chill except this term the teacher introduces the final project. We have to pick a topic, from a list provided, that we are passionate about. We then have to research it, write a long essay about the importance of this topic and our solutions to help solve it and then present an informed presentation on it to the class at the end of the term. I didn't think too much of it until I saw the list. The list was short. We could choose a social/political, mental health, or family/community and relationships topic. I don't know what I could possibly pick to research and write about. One student said they were going to research the importance of prochoice and how every woman should have access to an abortion if she wants one, another student said they were going to research and write about the effects of excessive social media use and gaming on personal relationships. One student spoke up and asked if he could write about the importance of mental health awareness in schools to help the suicide rates go down by providing mental health resources to students in school. Zach pitched in and said that was unimportant, and we shouldn't have to be bombarded with mental health awareness posters plastered around school every day. I felt the blood rush from my head, my stomach dropped, and my heart skipped a beat but not for a good reason this time. I can't believe he said that. I can't believe he would consider for even a moment that mental health didn't matter. He is so ignorant. I was angry, but I kept a poker face and looked down at the floor. Ms. Shim asked Zach why he felt that way. "Isn't cutting just for attention? And if people were really depressed, why wouldn't they just get help instead of killing themselves and ruining everyone else around them. I think it's selfish." I wanted to scream at him! How could he think that? He obviously has never felt what I and millions of others feel every day. "Mental health is very stigmatized, and most people feel they can't get help, or they don't even know they need it or where to get it. I think it is a great project idea. Mental health awareness is very important and if more students had access to the help they need at school, we could save a lot of lives." The teacher spoke calmly trying to reduce the whole situation. Other students were shocked that Zach would say that and they were about to form a debate. I couldn't even look at Zach anymore, the sight of his face would just send me over the edge in anger. I started to spiral downward. Maybe I am just doing this all for attention. Maybe I am selfish and pathetic and worthless, and maybe I shouldn't even be alive anymore. I hate myself and Zach will hate me too if he ever finds out I'm just a depressed loser. The feelings started to become overwhelming again. My ears started to ring, and I could see flashes of lights waving over my eyes. "Hello? Wake up!" Spencer was waving his hands over my glazed eyes to grab my attention. "Sorry I'm just really tired today." But I was not just really tired today. I was thinking about my future, and how I kind of hoped I didn't have one. I was thinking about my family and how my dad lost his mind again and is gone. I was thinking about my friends and the guy I liked and how he is turning out to be a douche bag and I was thinking about how I am so different from everyone around me I don't even think my friends really like me; I think they pity me. I was thinking about how hungry I was, I hadn't eaten much lately because I was too overwhelmed and sad to even think about food. I was thinking about my schoolwork and how I won't graduate this year if I don't get all my missing assignments in before the end of next week. The assignments that I didn't do because I was too overwhelmed at home. Watching my dad get dragged away by police into an ambulance is kind of a turn off from homework. I'm such my mess, my life is such a mess, how will I ever move past everything. I just wish I could have a clean slate. A fresh start. I can feel my mind shift away from reality and into a numb dissociative state again. I can see but I don't know where I am, what I'm doing, or who I'm with. I am no longer myself.

     I guess it was about 3:45 in the afternoon. School had ended and the last of the students were slowly trickling out the doors. I stood at my locker unsure of what I was even doing. My mind feels like mush, and I don't really feel anything. I start to wonder why I even bother with anything anymore. It would be so easy to just give up. Without thinking I reach into my bag, pull out the bottle of prescription pills, and swallow the whole thing. Each pill passing my teeth into my mouth, and gulps of water rushed down my esophagus chasing after them. Then suddenly, I feel this strange emotion come over me. A strong mixed feeling of regret and relief. Before I knew it, I was walking out the door. "Cass! Cass!" Someone was yelling my name and running up behind me. I dizzily turn around to see Spencer running and trying to catch his breath as he pushes out a few sentences. "Hey what are you doing right now? Do you want to take a walk with me? I have to head over to the hospital to grab some homework from my shift last night and I thought we could walk there and maybe grab a bite to eat afterwards?" I was caught off guard and didn't really think much of my answer, I was too focused on what I had just done. I didn't want to die, I don't think, but I didn't want to live either. But now I was stuck in this in-between place, and I had no idea which way I was going. "Uh, sure, I guess" I said, unsure if I was thinking or talking out loud. "Great! Let’s go!" He grabs my hand, and we start to walk. He asks another question quickly, as if he couldn't get the words out of his mouth fast enough, "How have you been feeling lately? I know you've been struggling in your classes, and I would love to help if you'd like." "Yeah, that sounds great thanks. I'm doing pretty good, just some school stress. How have you been feeling lately?" Same old conversations. Faking my answers because the truth is just too pathetic to say. "Oh, well, I've been better, been feeling really down lately." I was kind of surprised to hear Spencer say that. He is always so cheerful; I don't think I've ever seen him sad. "Oh, Spence, I'm sorry you're having a hard time." I try to comfort him, but I honestly don't know what to say. "Yeah, just been really depressed, there's a lot going on at home and I just really don't know who I am or what I want to be. I feel really lost right now. Sometimes, I wonder if I should even be here anymore." I was shocked to hear him say that. I never thought I would relate to him like this, and suddenly, I felt more regret for my actions. Maybe I'm not alone and maybe there is someone here that I can relate to, finally. I didn't know anyone felt the way I do, I thought I was so different, and I didn't know how to hold in my pain any longer. What have I done? I've just taken a whole bottle of pills! I have to fix this. "Spencer, of course you should be here. You are so amazing and I'm glad I have you in my life. I know how you feel. But I'm hoping that life does get better. I know you'll be okay." But I don't know if I'll be okay. How am I supposed to fix this, I can't tell anyone what I've done, they'll think I'm crazy and lock me up. Now the regret is turning into panic and fear. I have made a grave mistake.

     After about a 15-minute walk we arrive at the hospital where Spencer has been involved in a student internship. We head in and take a very long, silent, elevator ride. We hadn't spoken much in the past 5 minutes. "Okay, I'll be right back, I'm going to go grab my work and then we can get out of here." He said while looking at me in a way that I haven't seen him look at me before. "Okay, sounds good. Uh wait, where is the bathroom?" I had an idea. "It's just down the hall to the right." I smiled at him and said "thanks" and headed down the hall. I enter the bathroom and check under the stalls to make sure I am alone. I leave my bag at the sink and go to the last stall and kneel beside the rim of the toilet. I have to purge the pills I took. It is the only way to fix this. I've done this before, I know how, but I haven't eaten anything today to make this easier. I try and try but nothing comes out. I'm panicking now and tears start to roll down my cheek. Am I going to die? I don't think I want to die anymore; I want to live. I'm crying and shaking. What have I done? What am I going to do? I wanted to scream but then I hear the door open. I cover my mouth to silent my panic and choke back my tears. "Oh, whose bag is this?" I hear a woman start to rummage through my bag, I shouldn't have left it on the sink. What If she finds the blades or the bottles of pills, specifically the empty one? I decide I have to go out there and grab it before she finds my stuff while I assume, looking for a wallet with ID in it to return the bag. I wipe my tears, stand up, flush the toilet, and unlock the stall door. I am so terrified right now. I walk out and end up standing in front of her. I go to reach for my bag as she turns around with the empty bottle in one hand and the bag of blades in her other. I freeze. I-I don't know what to do now, what do I do? "Is this yours?" she asks me. "I-I uh" What was I supposed to say? I can't admit to those things being mine? What if she works here? "Hey, are you crying? It’s okay! Don't be afraid, I can help!" I guess I didn't notice that the tears were streaming down my face again. She reaches for my hand, and I jump as she grabs my hand and asks me if I had taken this whole botte of pills just now. "I-I no, I uh" I'm trembling and tripping over my words my sentences are no longer coherent. "It's okay. I can take you to somewhere I can help." No, no, NO, this can NOT be happening right now what have I done?! "No, I'm fine!" I say very defensively. "No, hun, you're not. I can help you. My name is Dr. Todd, what is your name?" "I- uh, Kate, my name is Kate." I lied, of course, I can't tell her my real name, and she put me on the spot. "I'm the head of psychiatry here at the hospital, okay, and I can take you somewhere to get checked out just to make sure the pills aren't doing any harm." "No! I said I was fine. Please give me my stuff back." I was scared. What if my mom finds out? "I'm sorry Kate, but you know I can't let you leave if you've attempted to harm yourself." Fuck fuck FUCK. God, I should have just stayed home today, I shouldn't have stolen that bottle and I really shouldn't have taken them. I wasn't thinking. I was completely out of control; I was dissociative, and I was numb. And now I'm backed into a corner like a frightened dog with nowhere to go. I panic, and then, I did something without thinking. I grab my stuff, tear the blades and the empty bottle out of her hand, and run.

     I don't know how long I've been running but I've found myself in a dark hallway. I'm so out of breath, I just need a second to sit down and regain my strength before I find my way out of here. I start to feel really dizzy now though; my heart is racing way faster than it should be. I look at my fit bit and it reads 140 bpm. That's definitely not good. But since I was just running and panicking, I would expect my heart to be higher than normal. My whole body is shaking. I don't know if I can even stand back up. After a few minutes I start to feel worse. What am I doing? I don't know where I'm going. I'm lost in this huge hospital, and I don't even know if I'll make it out alive. I hear footsteps approaching but I don't pay much attention since this is a hospital and there are people working here. The footsteps are moving closer, and there's more than one person. Then I hear a radio sound with a person talking on the other line. It sounds like the radios that police usually have on them. It also sounds like police talk. Now I'm suspicious and worried. But surely the doctor wouldn't call the cops? Would she? I don't think she would call the cops unless they were already in the hospital for someone else and she knew they would help her. I heard a voice yell out the name Kate. Then I remember that’s the fake name I gave Doctor Todd. Now, I have to run again. I get up and lean myself against the wall to save my balance and as I glance over my shoulder, I see them start to run towards me as they are yelling my fake name. I take off running again as fast as I can. Down the stairs, through another hallway and into a room with a large piano. Must be some sort of banquet hall. I was alone. The piano was so beautiful. It was a Bosendorfer grand piano; one of the best. I was so tempted to play it, but I knew someone would hear me if I did. I am so dizzy, at this point I feel very faint. I sit down at the piano bench and carefully glide my fingers over the keys. I softly start to play Clair de Lune, one of my favorite pieces. I could sense someone watching me, but I figured it must be some stranger wondering who the weird girl is that's playing a grand piano in this empty room. I almost finish playing the piece when I start to hear voices again. I hide in the corner trying not to be seen but they rush down the stairs and look at me. There are many people in front of me. Looks like a few staff, a police officer, some hospital security, and I look above me, and standing on the stairs are a few of my friends. I am overwhelmed with embarrassment and shame. I can't believe they are watching this right now. Now I do feel like I want to die. "Kate, please come here" said one of the officers. I had no choice. I either continue to stand here and look like a complete fool, or I walk towards them and try to fix this huge mess I've put myself into. I choose the ladder. I step forward a bit and notice a bench across from me and next to them, I figured that would be a good place to sit because if I continue to stand, I think I might pass out. I walk towards them, and they guide me to the bench. I sit down next to a nice older lady who asks me how I am doing. "I'm fine, really." She doesn't believe me. "My name is Adalind. I heard you maybe aren't doing so good today hun. Do you want to tell me about it?" "No, I-I actually have to get going and find my friend, we have a lot of homework to do tonight and I"— I was cut off. "I'm sorry Kate, but I think we should talk for a little while first before you leave, okay?" "No, I can't stay here!" This is too much. This is overwhelming. Spencer has probably called me a million times wondering why I'm not waiting for him outside the student offices. "Why don't we go to a different room to get you checked out by this kind doctor here, and then we can talk for a bit, and you can go home after that. Does that sound okay to you?" She nods at the officer as she finishes the sentence, and he reaches down to grab my arm and help me stand up. "No!" I screamed "I am not going with you I am fine!" I pulled my arm away from the officer's grip and sat back down. "You are not fine Cass" said a small but strong voice that perked up from the back. It was Spencer.

     Suddenly, that's when it all clicked. Somehow, he knew. I should have seen the panic and worry in his eyes earlier, but I was too distracted by what I did. He took me here on purpose. He probably didn't need to grab any homework he just needed an excuse to drag me along with him. He told the hospital about me. He orchestrated this whole thing! "H-H-How did—I am fine, there is nothing wrong!!" You could hear the shaking and trembling in my voice and my eyes started to fill with tears; everyone knew I was lying through my teeth. "Cass, please, I saw you; I know what you did I-I was scared I was going to lose you. I can't lose you Cass." He looked so sad and so worried. I couldn't do this to him, I just couldn't. "Okay." I agree to go get checked out and we stand up and start to walk out. Adalind held my arm the whole time we walked. I didn't know If that was because she cared and knew I was scared or if she didn't want me to run again. We reached the elevator. Spencer was the last to squeeze in, and we descend to the emergency department. The walls of the elevator started to shake, or it was myself that was shaking, and my head started to spin. I wasn't feeling so great, and I felt like I was losing my balance. The elevator doors opened, everyone got out, and as I stepped out and began to walk, everything went dark.

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  • mitchmarner
    07.12.2021 - 12 minutes ago

    i hate when refs irreparably fuck up a game and the fans of each team fight each other instead of bullying the referees as a collective

    #leafies are so annoying lets harness this energy into cyberbullying the refs responsible for this mess #there is not one leafs fan on this planet who is not at least mildly irritating and this is a self-aware callout #i simply think the power of cyberbullying is being wasted being annoying to another teams fans #when we should all be directing it to the refs who helped cause this mess #* #also just to clarify i obviously mean just complain about the refs and call out who they are and why they suck at their jobs #not send death threats and shit #that should be implied but idk internet people are unhinged
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  • yvesdot
    07.12.2021 - 14 minutes ago

    Streaming today at my favorite time: 5-7 PM PST! I'll even continue a little longer for the sake of Reading Time, so we can all cozy up with our books together.

    #txt #In thirty minutes for those not aware.
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  • royalreef
    07.12.2021 - 17 minutes ago
    #Glory and Gore || IC #The rumor mill || Dash Commentary #(( thats all shes saying on the topic! #(( but yeah no miranda does NOT believe in that cheating shit #(( she is poly and its one thing is she talks it out with her partner BEFOREHAND and theyre okay and aware of it #(( but nah if she hasnt talked it out already or theyve said they arent comfortable. nah. nope.
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  • sweetobsessive
    07.12.2021 - 19 minutes ago
    #sagau #self aware genshin #self aware genshin au #genshin cult au #genshin impact #citrinitas!albedo
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  • chiquititadiaz
    07.12.2021 - 26 minutes ago

    are you normal or do you stop drinking water several hours before a 911 episode so you don’t need to pee during the episode/post episode clownery

    #and yes im aware commercial breaks exist but i don’t like the pressure
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  • totowoof
    07.12.2021 - 29 minutes ago

    .

    #i hate when someone says something like.... this is easy why don't you ***********? #because i can't just speak my mind and tell them what i really want because it's just waaaay too personal and oversharing #so im just 😐 #congratulations on winning at the weird lottery of life so far i guess #it's weird but. i don't have a lot of friends ok. even less with covid. but the ones i get on the best with are the ones who also have had #shit happen to them #people my age are a lot of time just too ? idk how to say this #not really aware or accepting of a lot of things #i'm just sad and a bit angry this is fine lol ✌ #not mature was the word i was searching for. things make you grow uo faster #and then it's weird being with people your age bc they're like. #doing normal things for your age and you can't do this or let yourself enjoy it ? or find it even enjoyable? #so time passes and you just can't relate with them anymore
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  • madotsukimind
    07.12.2021 - 30 minutes ago

    everytime my mom gets mad at me cause I guess i did something wrong and didnt realize because someone put me in a weird position and I just do the most people pleaser type shit cause i dont know what to do and I think thats right and then shes mad and I dont know why and I feel like why dont i understand anything ??? is when I feel very much like im maybe autism

    #I love my mom but im well aware that she has a weird control over me #also that and looking back to my child hood and thinking huh so no one thought that was weird huh
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  • midnight-kissxs
    07.12.2021 - 31 minutes ago

    𝑡𝑟𝑒𝑛𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑡

    𝑑𝑜𝑢𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑢𝑝𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑎𝑢𝑠𝑒 𝑖’𝑚 𝑏𝑜𝑟𝑒𝑑 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑤𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑗𝑠 𝑑𝑜𝑤𝑛 𝑏𝑒𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑖 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑔𝑜𝑡 𝑤ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑖 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑔𝑜𝑛𝑛𝑎 𝑑𝑜 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑖𝑡. 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑎𝑙𝑠𝑜 ℎ𝑎𝑠 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑔𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑣𝑖𝑜𝑙𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒. 𝑝𝑎𝑟𝑡 𝑡𝑤𝑜 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑦 𝑠𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠.

    when you woke up, you were, once again, in a different place than where you fell asleep. except this time, you were chained up and face to face with an exact copy of your self.

    “well, it appears the impostor has finally woken up.” the copy spoke, as soon as you had opened your eyes. “what shall we do with her?”

    as she spoke, you lifted up your head and took in your surroundings for the second time today. you were about to ask where you are, but once you got a good look at your kidnappers you were stunned into silence, for they looked exactly like characters from genshin. you quickly shook that thought out of your mind, there’s no way. no. way. you aren’t in a video game, and it’s getting pretty concerning that you have to keep reminding yourself of that.

    “i’m feeling merciful, so i think we should let her try to escape us as punishment for impersonating me. if she manages to not be found in 6 months, then we will let her live.” you immediately tuned back in once you heard that come out of her mouth.

    “you want to hunt me?” you exclaimed, finding the whole situation concerning and unreasonable. “what did i even do?”

    “you are impersonating our god!” came a shout, by someone you could only assume was eula.

    “what do you mean? what god? and how am i impersonating someone i don’t even know exists?” you were growing increasingly more frustrated with every word that came out of their mouths, and they seemed intent on not telling you anything about what’s going on.

    “don’t play dumb, you know very well who our creator is!” that time it was venti who shouted at you.

    as soon as you tried to respond, you felt an arrow pierce your leg. while you screamed from the overwhelming pain, you felt another set of hands twist the arrow so deep into your muscle you felt it hit bone.

    “unchain her. i’ll even be nice and let her have a head start.” you looked up through the tears in your eyes, and could make out the blurry form of your own face staring back at you, with a sick, manic form of glee written all over her face. “i’ve always enjoyed hunting.”

    they had dropped you off right outside of the city’s gates, and gave you half an hour to get as far away from them as you could. you were scared, confused, and hurt as you ran as far away from them as you could with your wounded leg, you were surprised you had even managed to stand up with the arrow still embedded deep into your leg. every step was agony, and it took everything in you not to just fall over and let them kill you.

    once it set in that you’re actually in some horrible, hellish version of genshin, you decided to try and see if the waypoints you had unlocked still work for you. as soon as you had that thought, you heard a small voice whispering things in the back of your mind. if you listened closely, you could make out words, directions it seemed.

    deciding you didn’t have any better options, you followed all of the voices commands to a tee, and ended up right next to the anemo hypostasis. rationally, you know you should be terrified, but you couldn’t help but feel drawn to it, like you know deep inside it wouldn’t dream of hurting you.

    you thought it was your best bet so far, only the knights would be hunting you in mondstat, and you know they aren’t strong enough to kill beth.

    you slowly walked up to it, so as not to cause it any alarm, and reached up to gently touch one of the cubes guarding it. as soon as your hand made contact with it, it let out a soft, purr like noise, you let out a light noise of surprise, “i didn’t know you could make noise.”

    in response, it purred again, before creating a bubble of wind, which it then gestured for you to get in. when you sat in the bubble, you felt the arrow in your leg get removed, and then the wound was healed. surprisingly, the whole process was painless.

    as you sat in the bubble, you were blissfully unaware of the battle that was raging just outside. you thought about everything that had happened in such a short amount of time, and couldn’t help but feel betrayed. the characters you had put so much time and effort into, were hunting you for a reason they won’t even explain.

    when you had that thought, you heard the voice again, except this time it was slightly louder. it said to think about the character screen, and then you’d be able to switch out everyone’s builds. you were doubtful, but when you looked down at the bright crimson that was still coating you, you decided you’d do anything to stop them, even if you weren’t sure it would work.

    to your surprise, you could clearly see everything like you were still just looking at a game. your mood just seemed to drop as you looked at the weapons and artifacts that you had spent weeks farming for, just for them to be used against you. reeling in your emotions, you decided you’d never let them see you cry again, while you switched out everyone’s weapons to the basics, and removed all of their artifacts.

    not even five minutes later, you felt the bubble be slowly moved down to the ground, and then pop. you expected to be met with the same scene that had been there when you were put in it, but instead the arena was covered in blood and various organs. it was a horrifying sight, and you felt the remains of the small bit of soup you ate make it’s way up to join the gore all around you.

    you were horrified, so you looked at the only familiar part of this disturbing scene, beth. when it realized your eyes were on it, it moved to nuzzle into your body, you were still frozen to your spot on the floor.

    beth had sent you off with some slightly bloody potions and clothes from the dead knights after a few more hours of cuddling. you had your reservations about using them, but quickly decided you’d be better off with bloody clothes than torn, mud covered scraps.

    you walked to where you know a small beach is, and quickly changed into the clothes. you were disgusted by the sticky, wet feeling of half dried blood against your skin. pushing that to the back of your mind, you tried finding a hillichurl camp, hoping that they’d take you in at least long enough for you to eat something.

    #tw: gore#tw: violence #sagau villain au #genshin cult au #self aware genshin #genshin sagau#sagau #genshin villan au #genshin impostor au #genshin x reader #sagau impostor au
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  • kaeyamain4life
    07.12.2021 - 32 minutes ago

    Another brainrot?More like concept

    Darling as a card collector, im talking pokemon cards those are like atleast 300+ right so im basing darling off my friend who collects cards digitally[obey me and tears of themis] and physically [pokemon] . so how would this work in an sagau?

    #sagau #genshin cult au #genshin self aware #brainrot
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  • 1-800-roflmao
    07.12.2021 - 37 minutes ago
    #kevin is big #she is somewhat aware pf this #sometimes#oc stuff#herald#mt#Muertostale
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  • kaeyamain4life
    07.12.2021 - 38 minutes ago

    Brainrot early morning!

    Darling as a historian, wanting to stay in mond’s library reading as much about the world due to their past job. I think zhongli and xingqiu would be darling’s favorites in that au.

    #sagau #genshin self aware #genshin cult au #brainrot
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  • never-ending-fanfic
    07.12.2021 - 41 minutes ago

    My fellow OCD sufferers! A question, answer if you may!

    I've been dealing with OCD for about 9 years now and now, as an adult, I have so much less public compulsions and tics than I used to. Like, my private ones are still there, irritating and time consuming as ever, but when I know I'm watched, I just sort of have like one, maybe two compulsions. So that got me wondering:

    Is it me, somehow getting better on my own OR is it just masking?

    (P.S. I know OCD won't go away on it's own, I'm going to therapy but there once was a time when it got a little better, now I'm wondering if this is the case)

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  • fuchsiafeline
    06.12.2021 - 54 minutes ago

    Autistic HeadCanon: Know It All from The Polar Express

    Symptoms:

    -Speaks in a high pitched nasally voice

    -Talks fast and loud

    -Speaks in a direct way

    -Poor social skills

    -Likes giving out facts

    -Great memory

    -Speaks out his thoughts

    -Blunt

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  • empirics
    06.12.2021 - 1 hour ago

    Honestly I could never be a Crown Prosecutor or defence because I am way too sensitive and would probably cry on the stand because counsel for the other side was being mean to me.

    #I am reminded and told all the time that I am too sensitive I am Aware. #It's why I don't want to be involved with stuff like this I know my faults and I have been trying to be 'less sensitive' for hm. #Over two decades?  Hasn't happened yet. #I'm not as mean and abrasive as my sisters (their words not mine and they are proud of it) and I'm not very good at being mean. #It makes me Upset afterwards #All this to say... I do not want to do this presentation tonight. #It just reminds me I fundamentally don't belong in this procession. #I had a dream last night where I was just... a mother. #I was a mother and I held my baby in my arms and I woke up and just wanted that so badly.  That's what I want... that's all I want. #I don't care about being some big career woman I just don't.  I don't want it #I'm only here because I need to make money because I'm alone. #And no one will ever want to be with me because I am fundamentally broken and scared shitless of physical intimacy :') #But I want to be a mother so bad.  I want!  To be!  A mother.  Hang being some high-powered lawyer #This is a really bad mood to be in (crying quietly on my couch) right before I have to give a moot-style presentation. #text #chey.txt
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  • azempyrea
    06.12.2021 - 1 hour ago
    #LMAO THIS TURNED OUT LONGER THAN EXPECTED #genshin x reader #genshin#genshin sagau #genshin self aware #genshin self aware au #genshin impact#sagau #genshin impact dottore #genshin impact il dottore #il dottore genshin impact #genshin il dottore #il dottore#dottore#fatui#event #azem.asks #azem.writes #realm.lingerers
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  • steampunk-android
    06.12.2021 - 1 hour ago

    God it really does feel like 2018 again

    #like did i turn back into a 16 yr old?? #symbiote obsession being made aware due to a venom movie being released #HYPED AS FUCK CAUSE OF SPIDERVERSE #and i literally cant stop thinking of me and my friend's marvelsonas and ocs #android noises
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  • antilocaprine
    06.12.2021 - 1 hour ago

    I was stuck in a long meeting, but I had post-its and a lot of time, so I drew a forest landscape that ended up containing a fledgling invader (that will one day become Benrey) from Invasive Species by @cartoonsaint. I love that story so much, and I love the transformation all the characters go through as the tale goes on. I also included the napkin I sketched the rough draft design on to finalize the pose. He is just a litle creachur...he cannot change this... (except, in a way, he does).

    #hlvrai #Invasive Species fic #my art #i don't think i can rightfully give this the character tag #but i know in my heart it is him #half life vr but the ai is self aware
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