#bittersweet Tumblr posts

  • View Full
  • View Full
  • image
    image


    image

    So…my computer died. I won’t be able to make digital art for a while. Till then, expect to see more traditional drawings. Honestly, I’m both sad, but kinda excited. I know my eyes will thank me for reducing my intake of screen lights.

    RIP my computer (2019-2020)

    View Full
  • someone at my university made an ongoing zoom call where we all set our virtual background to the great hall in the library and pretend to study together

    #bittersweet #i miss irl school :/ #c.txt
    View Full
  • View Full
  • image

    You part 1 this morning

    View Full
  • image
    image
    image

    You looked real good for your friend wedding yesterday. 🤩 Then you get back to your home, and you text me this. 😔 I just don’t know. How are we going to get to a space where we love, and respect each other. Idk about you, but I long for you. I miss you so much. Not sexually honestly, but just you. I miss our connection. I miss you. 😔

    #dadore#bittersweet #adore you forever
    View Full
  • image

    Texted you first…. Fuck. What is wrong with me.

    View Full
  • image

    Sweet

    #DADORE#Bittersweet #Adore you forever
    View Full
  • Writing a character you know is gonna die later is a very interesting feeling indeed

    #asterthoughts#bittersweet #that’s the word for it honestly #I just think it’s funny because I go: #Me: aw look at the OC having a fun time! #My brain: THEY GONNA DIE THEY GONNA DIE THEY GONNA DIE #oc#killing characters#it’s great#but awful
    View Full
  • image
    image
    image

    Knocking on heaven’s door

    View Full
  • backward prayers / noon frenzy 2/

    image
    image
    View Full
  • https://youtu.be/E62QjtgceHs

    ( Newgate X Rouge vibes. Lyrics below. )

    Counting the hours

    Time goes by, nothing matters

    Sitting alone in the night

    Music is playing

    Life goes on, but I’m dying

    My heart is longing for my lover


    The same old table, and the same old dress

    I come here everyday and hope that you’ll be there

    I’m waiting, I’m making conversation to you all by myself

    And you’ll promise that you’ll never leave me


    Drowning in memories, too much bourbon and whiskey

    I’m still waiting for my lover


    See my reflection as I stare out the window

    Wishing that you were here tonight

    Lost in your shadow in the arms of another

    My body’s yearning for my lover


    They say that I’m crazy, have I lost my mind?

    Oh, no, I won’t deny that I still love you so

    I’m waiting, heart’s breaking

    I am searching but you’re not anywhere

    I am praying, won’t you come back and free me


    No one can save me, only you make me happy

    I’m still waiting for my lover


    I still remember all the things you said

    How your heart was set to never let me go

    I’m waiting, am I fading?

    Disappearing each time I close my eyes

    Did you love me at least once, or was I dreaming?


    Working the streets

    I don’t know where, what am I doing?

    I’m still waiting for my lover


    Counting the hours

    Time goes by, nothing matters

    I’m still waiting for my lover


    Drowning in memories, too much bourbon and whiskey

    I’m still waiting for my lover

    I’m still waiting

    For my lover

    #ooc #out of sake #Newgate X Rouge #bittersweet#Mobile #I will add a read more on the lyrics in the morning. #Youtube
    View Full
  • I had a dream last night that I was talking with my parents, not about anything in particular… just chatting. The subject matter I don’t recall. I just remember that they kept calling me by name, only it was by my chosen name. “Grayson,” they said, “what do you think about this?” or “Grayson, what would you say about that?” I saw it formed on their own lips and heard it said in their own voices. At one point they called me their son. In the dream I didn’t question it, and it didn’t register as anything out of the ordinary. It was just… normal. I was normal. I was me. I felt whole.

    I was jolted from the dream by my phone’s full-volume ringtone, and the words ”Scam Likely.“

    I sat there in bed a long time thinking about it. I’m sure I was feeling some kind of despair, but tears never came. Just an emptiness.

    Truth be told, I’m still thinking about it, and I’m still empty. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel as whole as I felt in the dream.

    But maybe… Maybe some day…

    View Full
  • Face Everything And Rise

    9/6/2020

    Its crazy to consider where I was just a year ago. Everyone keeps saying it, I can’t believe its already been a year… When I think about the moments within this last year, it feels like SO MUCH happened… and when I think about the grand scheme of things, its like the year disappeared in the blink of an eye.

    A year ago? I was heading to Long Beach to visit Mama Ren for what I thought would be the last time… I had just lost my family and that put a lot into perspective for me. She had just been released from the hospital and was on hospice care in the comfort of her home. I understood the huge responsibility the family was taking on, so I focused on helping them adjust.

    When I think about it, the family did just as much to support me, as I did them. They created this space of love and support, as well as distraction from the depth of my own pain. I also simply enjoyed the wonderful conversations Mama Ren and I had. Her never saying sorry for my loss, or treating me like a victim… and me never looking at her with pity or despair. We understood one another… We both accepted our situations and wanted to make the best of our time.

    I was so fortunate for all the time I spent with her and the family… weeks at a time and then frequent weekends after my return to work. I miss her…

    So interesting when I think about a year ago… 

    I’m still me. Still here. Still living in the same place. Still with a similar routine.

    But I’ve come a long way… A year ago…

    I couldn’t sleep. Maybe 2-3 hours of sleep at night. I’d lie awake crying, writing to my Mom I’d never see again.

    I didn’t really eat. There was so much going on. My fridge was full of food that family and friends had brought. (Thank you for that, loved ones). I lost a good amount of weight quickly… not the good kind of weight loss.

    I couldn’t go a day without crying…

    The only thing that kept me in a routine was working out. It was the one thing I still did… I went to the gym… (also probably why I lost more weight… NOT the goal.)

    As awkward as some people felt around me, I’m sure I felt more than enough for all of us. Maybe I was just being paranoid, but it was hard not to feel like people knew who I was, what I’d experienced, and couldn’t help but look at me and feel sad. I started to value people who didn’t treat me like I was a victim and people who didn’t know my story. A breath of fresh air.

    But lets talk about the gym for a second… it was because of working out that I DID actually eat and drink the way that I did. I would tell myself, “You should eat something because you’re going to workout later…” If I can stress anything in life, its that your mental and physical being are so intertwined. What you do with your body, is just as important as the reflection, learning, and meditation that you do with your mind.

    Another thing I’ve been thinking about and realizing in the last year+ of life…

    I’m more fearful than I’ve ever been.

    Perhaps that is just a product of a broken heart… Perhaps that is just a natural reaction after going through all of this loss. All my emphasis has gone to strengthening, loving, and being grateful for what I do have.. constants. They’re important. They keep me grounded… Help me remember why life is so good. They keep me from thinking of the life I should’ve had because I just want to love my life… and I just want to be happy. I don’t want to get caught in the awful reality of the bad things… or think about how unfair life can be. That is no place to be and no place to stay.

    Fear… False, Evidence, Appearing, Real…

    … but I have been there. Sometimes it can’t be controlled. I’m scared of change sometimes. As life changes and new beginnings come… Its really bittersweet… letting go of pieces of the life I knew, to create the life I want for myself moving forward… 

    I decided to adopt out Charlie and Wookiee… For those of you that don’t know, when my Auntie Felisa passed, Mom took in her shih tzu, Wookiee. Wookiee is Charlie’s mom. When mom passed… I took over caring for both Charlie and Wookiee… the tweedles… the girls… crazies.

    Part of me was tempted to just keep them, make it work… I’m like the queen of juggling things and making it work lol. You can make anything you want work, if you truly want it to,*sigh* but I’ve decided that this is the first step for me. One of my best and dearest friends is gifting me “pick of the litter.” Super honored. An accidental litter, that I guess came at the right time… It is time… Time for me to start to let go of some things that have been left to me… Its hard being such a sentimental person…

    Time for new beginnings…

    View Full