Şunu söyleyebilirim ki hepimiz bir şeyden korkuyoruz ve bazen insan çok şeyden de korkabilir. Hepimiz küçükken korkmadık mı? Her birimiz yaş farkıyla çok şeyden korktuk ve halen de korkuyoruz. Örnekleri sayacak olursak; başaramamaktan korkuyoruz, sevdiklerimizi kaybetmekten korkuyoruz, çok sevdiğimiz kişilerden zarar görmekten korkuyoruz, ölmekten ve başımıza bir şey geleceğinden korkuyoruz ama bunları sadece anlık yaşıyoruz, duruma ve zamana göre bir olay üzerinden bu korkuyu ruhumuzun derinliklerine kadar hissediyoruz.
Ben çok korkak büyüdüm, karanlıktan korkardım sürekli ışıkları yakardım ve yaş arttıkça bu korku genişledi, farklı anlamlar oluşturmaya başladı, insanlardan korkmaya başladım ve insanlarla konuşmaktan çekiniyordum, arkadaşım olmuyordu. Okul döneminde yaşadığım problemlerin büyük kısmını şu an korkumdan dolayı olduğunu görebiliyorum, elbette tüm her şeyi korkuya yüklemek gerekmez ama korkunun neler oluşturacağını burada farklı bir bakış açısıyla ifade edeceğim; korku sürekli üzerinizde olan bir kara bulut gibidir. Olumsuzluklar ile beslenir. Beklentiler ile şekillenir ve elbette en büyük dostu öfkedir.
Korku üzerine düşünüldüğünde insanların büyük bir kısmı özgüven eksikliğine bağlar; geri kalan kısmı psikolojik olmak üzere nesnel korkularda vardır bunlar fobiler olarak sınıflandırılmıştır; örümcek görünce ondan kaçmaya çalıştığımız ve üzerimizde ise büyük olasılıkla gösterdiğimiz tepkisel refleks gibi, size bunlardan bahsetmeyeceğim. Bir farklı açıdan bakıldığında korku aslında ihtiyacımız olan bir şeydir. Bardağın her zaman dolu tarafına bakanlardan mısınız? Ben öyleyim.
Korkuyorsanız bu iyi bir şey. Bu hayatı dolu yaşıyorsunuz demektir, ama bu korku sizin hayatınızı yönetmesin; sizin kimliğinizi değiştirmesin; siz bu korkuyu yönetin ve onu çiçeğe dönüştürün; korkularınızı açıkça ifade edin ve paylaşın böylelikle olgunlaşsın onu saklarsanız içinizde büyümeye devam edecek ve sizi öfkelendirecektir. Öfkeli kişilerin çoğu neden öfkeli olduğunda düşündüğümüz de, içinde biriktirdikleri korkular olamaz mı? Kendilerini iyice ifade edemedikleri için, içindeki korkuyu dışarı akıtırlar ve şiddeti kullanırlar. Cinayetler, tecavüzler, baş kaldırmalar hatta terörün büyük nedenleri bile korkudan doğar ve öfkeye dönüşür. Nasıl mı?
Hepimiz biliyoruz ki bu hayatı hak ettiğimiz gibi yaşamıyoruz, hep adaletsizlik dolaşıyor ortalıkta. Biri şunu yaşarken, biri şunu yaşıyor ve insan korkuyor; eğer yaşadıklarımızı iyice anlatabiliyorsak ve gösterebiliyorsak özgürleşiyoruz aslında; kimse bilerek kötü birisi olmak istemez, kimse annenin karnından katil, tecavüzcü, hırsız ya da herhangi kötü insan olarak doğmaz, insan bunu öğrenir, böyle kişiler bu yönlere gelebilmesi için bile çaba harcar, korkularından beslenirler. Bir korku filminde beklenilmesi gereken her şey olumsuzluk yönündedir, eğer bir korku filmi izlediğinizde orada romantizm beklemezsiniz, oradaki kişiler sizi gündelik hayatta yapabileceğiz şeyleri göstermeyecek olumsuz şeyler gösterecek. Derine indiğimiz zaman aslında her şeyin bir şeyden oluştuğuna ve doğduğuna bakabiliriz. Korku insanı olgunlaştıran bir şey; kontrol edildiğinde ve bir çiçeğe dönüştüğünde ‘korkma her şey iyi olacak’ ya da 'korkak birisi olma’ gibi cümleler söyleyebilirsiniz.
Mi lesz a kifogás, ha kiteszik a Föld ma zárva tart táblát, a rámszakadt időben megválaszolom-e a kérdést, hogy miért halogatom a blogposztolást, a munkahelyi jogokért való szónoklást, édesanyám arcára csóknyomást? Két kifogás közt múlik el az élet, éppúgy’ ahogy az asztal sarkáról véletlenül lekönyökölt homokóra porja foszlik egyenhamuvá a padlón, így tűnnek semmibe a ma fáradt vagyok hozzá, ideje téli álmot aludni, kár, hogy csak huszonnégy óra egy nap, a hétvégébe mindent belepréselek, majd holnap megcsinálom és a térjünk vissza rá később rongyosra koptatott frázisai, annak ellenére, hogy tudom, nincs később, csak a pillanat van, mely folyton megragad minket, nyakonfog és táncba hív – mert tévhit, hogy mi ragadjuk meg a pillanatot, általában fordítva, a pillanat minket –, de kellemetlen salsa-partner az ember, mert oly’ ritkán karol vissza, pedig az örök tanulság nagyjából ennyi, szeretni és szeretve lenni.
Over the last couple of days there were reports of Covid-19 infections possibly reaching their apex in New York. And today? The largest single day increase of deaths so far.
The problem is when you tell people things are getting better they let their guard down. They start taking risks again. They think it’s o.k to begin returning to normalcy. And then it gets worse.
There is no cure. There is no vaccine. Until this changes Covid-19 will continue to spread and people will continue to die.
World cases : 1,380,397
World deaths : 78,313
U.S cases : 377,605
U.S deaths : 11,784
People are already getting Corona Fatigue™ but it’s important to remember the threat is real. As the days go by the impact of the figures will lessen. The numbers are still going up. Things are not getting better. Not yet. Don’t let your leaders try and tell you different. Stay home. Stay inside. Stay safe.
People ask me all the time what cosmetology school is like and it’s such a different world compared to normal colleges. I feel like people have a very generic view of it and it’s not considered “tough” or “mentally challenging” just because we do hair. As a student at a prestige institute, it can be grueling but also rewarding. Most people do not realize the amount of mental strength it takes to go to a school ten hours a day, three days a week with minimal breaks and then go to a 9-5 job the rest of the week. It is some of the most tiring aspects of getting a license.
Now there are many options for cosmo schools, many community colleges offer the courses, but there are higher-end ones too like Paul Mitchell. At the end of the day though, we are all learning the same basic (and I mean basic) training to pass state board. State Board has a standard set high to make sure you and the client are safe during a service. They look at sanitation mostly however you are tested on everything you learn in school. We physically and mentally prepare ourselves up until the test day.
I never know how to answer the questions I get about cosmo school. It’s not glamourous or easy as you think, there is much about hair that we have to know behind the scenes to get you the ashy blonde that you saw on Pinterest. First of all, in order to be Platinum you must go through other hair colors. I don’t know how to put this straighter. You cannot be a dark brown and expect to be Lady Gaga overnight. It’s not doable. So much science and chemistry goes into it.
Another question I get a lot is the atmosphere of it and what’s a day like? Honestly as a person who’s tried college and it didn’t work out, this can be just as challenging. It’s women dominated industry but we are incredibly mean towards each other. It constantly is a cat fight. Now I have had my fair share of mean girls and bullying but cosmo school is a whole level different compared to a standard school. Circumstances given it is very competitive, you are stuck with each other three times a week, sun up to sun down (I am not joking when I say that). It’s more difficult in the classroom settings rather than the clinic floor. When I was in the classrooms-or upstairs is what we call it- our class alone was notorious for being catty, rude and disrespectful. No one was to mess with us, even the clinic floor knew who we were. This is not saying I was a part of this chain but I just a by stander. I had people from B side (the weekender class) makeup days and tell me they felt the tension in the room because we all hated each other.
Much of the tension comes from the shit talking. You have to pick and choose your words and battles wisely. One slip and you’re now the class bitch is how it goes. I’ve gotten plenty of petty name calling in my day…
For an industry that focuses on “being yourself” and only that, I have never seen a group of girls having so much hatred for simply being that. I simply became the enemy because I love annoying people.
I have to live a double life. I have an armor at school and it comes off at home but by that point in the evening it is 8:30 pm and I have no desire to tell my folks how it went. I also have to be someone else entirely at my job at the salon.
Cosmo school is mentally draining due to many factors other than petty girl fights, enstrained friendships and having no life. You cannot trust anyone but yourself. So many tears shed because of the self doubt you have if you compare your work to another… which is the most toxic thing in this industry. My mom always said “it takes years to grow good at something.” Meaning you’re not a star overnight. I look at my role models and how long it took them to become who they are. Or how long they fought for their talents because they believed in themselves. The pressure comes from no one but yourself because we all want to be the best.
Just like other careers, once you graduate the actual training begins. God, you know nothing in school let me tell you so drop the ego and learn something that a professional wants to teach you. Be lucky that they are willing.
Cosmo school is rewarding however, you gain knowledge and experience in a cut throat industry that most take for granted as being “easy”. You feel smarter than your clients and you know what’s best for them. Nothing is better than the feeling you get when you finish a service you’re proud of and the client adores it. You made them feel beautiful which is what we all want for our clients. You work hard (so hard!!!) for yourself, long hours and tears. Love yourself for this. You grow a sense of pride in your work and fight for it because you know you’re capabilities. You must crawl before you can walk, you must walk before you can run. You must run before you sprint. Learn it live it love it.
The campsite opened
The able sister store opened
Mitzi moved in aswell as Wart Jr. And Francine (i forgot to take pictures, sorry)
Sherb being adorable, as always!
My girlfriend stopped by plus a little character change~
It has been a while…and a lot has changed if I’m being honest. I’m no longer in a relationship…and well theres a whole pandemic currently happening right now. I’m stuck at home unless I go to work and I just miss things the way they were.
Now what’s been good is the new animal crossing game came out and OMG it’s amazing!!! It really helps with my stress and anxiety!
What is it that you do to help with your stress?
Well, this is a weird one.
Every time I have a book come out, I write up a blog post trying to sum up how I’m feeling about it. It’s been almost two years since the last one, and in that time I’ve been riding a pendulum of feeling like my career was either sputtering to a halt or blasting off at the speed of light. There was a long, dark period between when I finished all work on Hullmetal Girls and when we finally sold Bonds of Brass after nearly a full year on sub. Trying to move science fiction in the YA sphere is a slog uphill against a boulder that keeps saying “This has never taken off, so we’re never going to invest the marketing money in it that would actually make it take off.”
When my agent suggested we shift our approach and see if any adult publishers were interested, I was extremely wary. I had always thought that if we tried to sell this manuscript as adult, I would have to rewrite it with the intention of turning it into an adult book, matching it to the tone and feel of the adult space opera I love. Instead, we sent the manuscript to them as-is, written for a YA audience.
And Del Rey was immediately all in. It was such a surreal experience after literal years (if you count the year we spent subbing Hullmetal Girls and the time after it sold when it became clear this book wasn’t getting much in the way of house support) being told that YA sci-fi wasn’t worth anything. I was convinced we were getting bought on the condition that I’d do extensive edits to break this book away from the YA mold and turn it into some “respectable” adult sci-fi.
I was shocked to realize that the book was loved as-is.
From there, we settled into the work, and things were quiet for a while. A little too quiet at points—I was definitely worried that maybe this book wouldn’t do well enough to sustain the trilogy on its back. But then two things happened that changed everything.
The first was the cover redesign. In December, we revealed the book’s brand new cover, which we had rethought to better illustrate what Bonds of Brass is all about. The original cover felt comfortable on a shelf next to any other space opera, but this one looked more like a YA book and communicated clearly that the heart of this story was about these two guys, the bond between them, and spaaaaace.
Then, in January, the second thing. FinnPoe Twitter found the book, and everything popped off. Before that, I felt lucky if I had a few Goodreads adds a day. On that day, the book got over a thousand. The thing that astonishes me the most is that I did basically nothing. I just wrote the book, put a graphic together summarizing the tropes people might like from it, and other people chose to lift it up. That kind of marketing is something money can’t buy, and it’s given me so much ridiculous hope that maybe this book is going to be The One.
As a midlist author, every new book feels like your debut. Every new project is a chance to break out, to show the world something new, to grow your career—to maybe someday have a capital C Career. These are uncertain times for everyone, and releasing a book in the middle of a global crisis is definitely not ideal. On the one hand, people are definitely in need of entertainment that gives you the most bang for your buck, and there’s nothing better than a book for that. On the other, money is tight, stores are shuttered, and no one knows when this will end.
I don’t know what the outcome will be, but thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who’s made this my best chance yet. To my agent, who fought like hell to get this book through a brutal year on sub, to my editor, whose brilliant guidance and fannish enthusiasm brought out the best in this book, to the whole team at Del Rey, whose love and effort have made this book what it is. To my critique partners who have been with me since the start, to the old readers who are following me on this bold new voyage and the new readers taking a chance on my writing for the first time. To the reviewers and booksellers—especially those who are working from home, uncertain about the future of their employers, and still doing their damnedest to give new books the boost they need. To absolutely everyone who’s done some small part in boosting this book—for retweets, for bookstagrams, for memes on memes.
This book was and continues to be a team effort, and I’m so excited to share it with you. ❤️🚀
It’s a full moon tonight.
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