My mental illness is an excuse.
A lot of people have said to me that my mental illness is not an excuse for being a shitty friend, and I’m just here to correct you. My bipolar disorder and anxiety ARE excuses for being a shitty friend. They’re excuses for why I cancelled plans. They’re excuses for why I got mad. A whole load of people I have had the privilege of knowing and people I have read about are the basis for why I know why mental illness is an excuse. A lot of people like myself are playing the waiting game. We eventually get the courage or the weakness to be open with a gp about how we feel. Gp medicates us and/or pushes us towards therapy. For whatever reason, those things don’t work and the gp is going to refer us to psychiatry. Great! We have a referral! But in this province, having a referral for a lot of people suffering with severe mental illnesses, is just a death sentence as they will never make it to meet with a professional about their mental illness. Fortunately, my medication is half working and I am confident that I will see my psychiatrist one day. But that’s the thing, I’m not medicated to the best I can be. I’m not given therapies that can make my life the most “normal” it can be. And I have an excuse for being a shifty friend. When you are struggling with your mental health, cancelling plans can be very therapeutic, but being told by that friend that you are not doing anything to help yourself and that by cancelling plans you are just using your mental health as an excuse is possibly just as bad as being told you’re not wanted, it plants the seeds of negativity, and I have had some of my best friends in the entire world tell me that I am using my bipolar as an excuse and it’s not one, because you can’t blame your actions on something that controls every aspect of your everyday life. That is painful. People who are supposedly understanding of your situation, are typically the ones that aren’t understanding. I’m not saying that I don’t lash out and that I’m a perfect human, bipolar disorder just makes me this way. I’m saying that when I feel upset and I don’t want to push anymore, getting out to do something with others isn’t the first on my list. It’s brushing my hair which I haven’t done in days. It’s completing my homework that I’ve pushed to the side. It’s loving myself and watching movies. My mental illness is an excuse for being a shitty friend, because it controls every aspect of my life, no matter how hard I fight and no matter how strong I think I am, it is always there with me and it always will be. It will ALWAYS be an excuse, but it’s a good one. Look after yourself before you cater to anyone else. You have to love yourself before anyone else can.
0Yollar bir tükeniş içinde;
Fakat benim, yürüdükçe uzuyan yollar var içimde…
Git git bitmeyen..
2
İnsan sevecekse kedileri, kuşları, böcekleri sevmeli. insanlarla olacak iş değil.
8
Before you are anyone else’s, you are God’s. Remember that the next time you are tempted to get into a relationship just for the heck of it.
0December 6, 2k19
25 days
Couple friends of mine got caught doing minorly unholy things after the parade last night.
Okay I have the full story: so man and lady got into an argument after the parade yesterday. So they went to the basement to talk or something (I know they didn’t do the do but I sure as hell don’t wanna know all the details) . Over the course of an hour, their parents start to worry thinking they’d been kidnapped or sumthin (there’s been a lot of human trafficking going on in our area lately). So the whole band staff is looking for them, their parents, and a few others. Then one teacher found them walking back to the bandroom and was like “??????”
They both got in a heaping amount of trouble by their parents.
Bro, I can not stress how much I can’t wait till I have my own place, girlfriend, and financial stable job. Like that shit’s gonna be great.
I get to be away from these hellions, I can let all my gay out, I’ll be able to eat what I want to eat when I want, I’ll most likely have food, I’ll have money that I can do whatever I want with, and have a girl to spoil.
If I become an actress I’ll get to do what makes me happy and have money and be famous and shit, but if I become a cop girls will think I’m a badass.
We’re doing things in Chemistry and I understand some of it. I even did my homework.
Today was our student teacher in Geometry’s last day today. Big sad.
Thought I saw Ms. English at Walmart, but then I noticed that this girl was not thick enough to be Ms. English. (Is that weird?)
33 bags of cake balls this year for Christmas present. I’m sorry mother.
I got a denim coat at Walmart today and I look like a cowboy.
Did I stay up way later than I intended? Yes.
Did I shower because I have something to do tomorrow? No.
Good night.
-I.R
3Today’s not my day.
I got let go from my job. It wasn’t working out, I was making too many mistakes.
I felt like a failure.
I knew this job wasn’t something I would do the rest of my life. But it hit me like a ton of bricks. My boss had phoned me. Told me I was great personally, but that I just wasn’t working out. I started crying. She told me she’d give me a great reference, no hard feelings, but I was in shock. I said I had to go. I curled up and cried. Just let it all out, felt vulnerable and alone.
Now, I’m just at acceptance. Feeling sorry for myself but knowing life goes on. It’s valid. My feelings are valid. Today’s just not my day.
I have to breath. Relax. I’ve started over before, and this is temporary, just as was all those times before. So if you’re in a similar situation, know you’re not alone. Things are tough all around. I’m going to use this new free time I got to work more on myself. On my goals. Sometimes these setbacks are a blessing in disguise. Even though I enjoyed this job, I’ll find something better. I still have my scholarship. Things will get better.
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