28.02.20: 82
Here we go again :))) today is the drinking day and I’ll have 500 ml of yogurt (~450) and couple of cups of coffee with milk (~100) I guess. Hope to cope with all the struggles
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You know what really hurts me? I never lost weight in all my life. For some weird unknown reason I lost 9 kilogrammes this week. I told nobody only two of my friends and my mom. But I noticed some people sayingf that my face looked different and asked of I lost weight. Then everyone reacts the same: amazingly happy, as if I told them I just gave them thousands of euros.
Like if losing weight is the biggest achievement someone could get. The best thing someone can do. Lowering the number on the scale. And the worst part is that it feels like I am not good enough if I gained the weight again. Or how I am now: fat. I am fat. It’s a fact. But It’s like all my insecurities are confirmed. Yes you are ugly now. Yes you dont deserve anything. Yes only skinny people are deserving of love or compliments. It’s just very triggering. I wished I could get a compliment for coming out of bed. Not killing myself because I cant ever achieve my dreams. Because I have ME. Just get a compliment for that. Maybe for recording me, playing guitar eventhough I am very sick after. Maybe that I still smile everyday and am still kind.
And yes, of course it’s nice that I lost it. It means my body is somewhat working more than it ever did. My body is ill, so how could I ever expect to lose weight when it couldn’t even fight against some random virus??! I am happy something is changing, that maybe I am getting a bit better. Even if it’s a tiny bit. And I don’t even know if I am losing weight for the good. Maybe it’s not good. But 1) this is all a whole different reason to be happy 2) its my joy. My reason to be proud. Not theirs. And I know any moment it could just come back. The weight. And for me its OK. I dont love my body no. But I understand why my body is struggling and why I am ugly. And yes I think nobody is going to love me. But it is still hurting.
I was thinking: Why would someone else be happy when my body is changing? They wouldn’t profit of it, righr? So then I realised what a toxic culture we live in. They just think losing weight is good. Even if they wont benefit, they think seeing numbers lowering is good. And honestly thats sooooo toxic. Yes its good for someones health, but what if I get worse in my health (illness wise)??? Then I probably deserve to feel ugly, stupid, unhealthy, unlovable. Even if I cant help it. And if I was triggered enough, thats exactly how I would get an eating disorder.
And what if I lose more weight? Maybe more people would “see” me? I would say to anyone feeling after they lost weight and people would see them all of sudden: dont give in. They are shitty people for behaving like that. Real assholes. Im so so so so sprry for everyone that felt like they werent good enough ever, because people acted like fools to you. For whatever reason. Im really sorry.
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Body Oil
I’m a big fan of oils when it comes to beauty; face oils and hair oils in particular so naturally the body oil was the first product I tried, the packaging is a little leaky, but it’s something you can generally overlook thanks to the other positive attributes of the product. The formulation of this oil is lightweight, clear, and feels amazing when applied onto the skin. Almost melting into the skin as though it were a serum of sorts, this oil does take some time to absorb into the skin, but it also leaves skin feeling ultra-silky smooth, and nourished. Best applied after the shower (or at least 30 minutes before dressing) this oil works great applied before bed for ultimate overnight hydration. The formulation is luxurious and rivals many expensive, higher end products on the market, and the scent definitely doesn’t smell like your typical drugstore body lotion. Bonus: you can even use it as a bath oil!
27Seeing things in terms of black and white with model/rapper Zach LeDrew @mr_8pack @matineemodels for the latest issue of Stingray @stingray_magazine
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#resortwear #blackandwhitephotography #editorialphotography #fitnessphotography #malebeauty #menvoguestyle #body #personaltrainer #accessories #fitnessmotivation #rapper #fitnessmodel #explorepage #designerclothing #fashion #explorepage#photography #styling #artdirection #grooming by Michael Wilson @silverscreenstylist1 (at Worldwide)
https://www.instagram.com/p/B9GMTxDgqlt/?igshid=yfzmdht828u80
my sister almost found my tumblr account and let me tell you she asked me for my phone and I got so scared I passed out in front of her
did I pass out from fear or lack of nutrition that’s the real question
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