every time I as a fat person catch myself thinking "why the hell does this relatively thin person hate their body, they're already 'conventionally attractive'" I end up reminding myself pretty quickly that 1) discomfort isn't exclusive 2) being """attractive""" is relative and doesn't fix everything and 3) nobody is safe from the evils of body image marketing sold to us by capitalists who only care that we're giving them money to do everything in our power to reach an unattainable goal. So there's no sense in dismissing the struggles of others and there's no sense in making them my enemy and there's no sense in putting myself down just because I'm fat when every single one of us is a victim of capitalist fatphobia.
#anyway thin people struggling with their own body image aren't my enemy
i just want to be in a smaller body because if i am going to spend this much time obsessing over my weight, if i am going to be in this much distress about my size and my appearance literally every single day, for most of my day, if i am going to have to be in this much fucking pain all the time, i want it to be visible to other people, i want my pain to be obvious to other people
#personal#ed tw#weight tw #body image tw #and my body doesnt respond to behaviors like it used to like . i hate this so fucking much i am so tired
When I was in high school, there was this unspoken agreement between girls. We'd always ask each other things like " does my hair look okay/ did I mess up my makeup/ is the outfit cute?" Even the prettiest, most popular girls in the class would ask each other if the most miniscule pimple on their faces was visible. The first instinct of evrey single girl when I'd tell her she's beautiful was to deflect the compliment " no I'm not!!! Just tried this hairstyle today lol I'm still ugly tho!!!"
And it just hit me that none of the boys did that. I never heard them talking about their appearances to each other ever??? They seemed so confident and secure and COMFORTABLE with their appearances. It was only the girls who'd murmur to one another " does this look all right?" each day, every day for 4 years straight.
Insecurity is so deep seated whitin women and girls. It lives beneath our bones and spills out constantly. It can be seen in our posture, our gestures. We're always asking the mirror on the wall if we're the fairest of them all, even if we don't realize it.
Beautiful beautiful beautiful why do girls have to be beautiful at all times, in all circumstances? It doesn't matter if I'm smart, it doesn't matter if I work harder than anybody else, all that matters is to be beautiful. When I was 11 I took my dad's razor and used it on my arms because girls in class pointed out I have hairy arms and hairy isn't beautiful. Blood gushed out and it hurt but " beauty is pain", right? I was ashamed to go out in public if my eyebrows weren't plucked, if my facial hair was visible. I hated my legs because they don't look like anyone else's, they have surgery scars and that's not beautiful. So much of our self worth as women is based around the idea of beauty before we can even comprehend it. It's everywhere in the magazines, on the tv, the girls at school learn to put on makeup before you do and they're BEAUTIFUL evreyone looks beautiful except for you and you wish to crawl out of your body.
I'm tired of trying to be beautiful. Will I ever be allowed to just be?
After finishing my final piece I had to remove the soluble sheet of material. In order to make this process easier I cut off the edges of this sheet. Doing this helps with the wash process as it won’t give me as many thick layers and unnecessary pieces to wash off.
After cutting the excess layering o used hot water and started to wash around the edges of the piece. This was a delicate process as it would also allow me to see if the piece had any gaps where the stitching wasn’t thick enough. Due to the uncertainty that the stitching would be even I had to make sure I was washing it gently so it wouldn’t rip. After washing all of the sheet off I left it to air dry on the side until the next day .
Brown’s imaginative reference point for this installation, however, is the photographic record of Nottingham lace factory women workers at their duties. Through archive images, she describes considering the collective bodies of these women, and their assumption of a submissive and obedient formation, heads bowed, shoulders and skirts touching, seated and patient, almost still, their fingers checking and mending flaws in the lace, containers of the harmed, unspeakable and taboo. There are embodied meanings at play in these photographs that Brown is wholly conscious of: they represent “successful womanliness”, the so-called “feminine virtues” of thrift, diligence and domesticity, and the fragmentary feminist forms of articulation and artistry. The evocative resonance of the lace garments selected by Brown pierces the surface of the photograph, rendering its cool documentation messy with its subjects as feminine, their labour as repetitive and obsessive, their hysteria and desire palpable.
A significant punctuating moment in that ritualised relationship came when Brown’s mother handed over a particular bag of “stuff”, containing clothes she had made by hand as well as nighties, petticoats, negligées, her nan’s girdles, stockings and underwear. Brown’s slow unpacking of that bag, her trust or faith in her own intuitive ability to make work out of what she found, and the concurrent inspiration drawn from the seminal Conceptual Clothing exhibition and publication , informed the development of her creative practice: ‘the underwear was the intimacy, a very private garment, something you don’t see in the public domain, so I was interested in that private and public space. ‘
This image is what inspired me for the presentation of my final piece, I wanted to create a similar shoot , with my piece hanging from a hanger on a clothing rack or mid air in a dim lighted room and shadows in the background. These are also some sketches I drew when picturing how I could present my final piece.
Option 1 was to have the piece pinned onto a black mannequin to have a contrast in body shape . Option 2 was to have it up against an actual model , with writing all in the body with the statements I had gathers for my primary research. And option 3 was to have my piece hanging on a rack , and have clothing hangers and suit bags in the background and to photograph the piece while experimenting wi shadows and lighting.
Jennifer Anne Saville RA is a contemporary British painter and an original member of the Young British Artists. She is known for her large-scale painted depictions of nude women. She creates enormous paintings of larger sized women, collecting every detail and crevice of their bodies. She includes all uncommonly praised features such as cellulite , stretch marks and body rolls.
Her work is displayed in exhibitions on walls , and her paintings tower over anyone who walks by. I really found the way she presents her work inspiring. I feel as thong having these massive paintings in a crisp clean room has an interesting contrast , and makes the pieces have the exact direct attention needed.
“Human perception of the body is so acute and knowledgeable that the smallest hint of a body can trigger recognition.”
In her depictions of the human form, Jenny Saville transcends the boundaries of both classical figuration and modern abstraction. Oil paint, applied in heavy layers, becomes as visceral as flesh itself, each painted mark maintaining a supple, mobile life of its own. As Saville pushes, smears, and scrapes the pigment over her large-scale canvases, the distinctions between living, breathing bodies and their painted representations begin to collapse.
I continued sewing the belly area and the legs of the body , continuously alternating with skin coloured thread.
Throughout this make process I had to buy around £30 worth of threads.
After finishing the thighs, abdomen and upper body my base was finished. However, due to the shrinkage of the soluble sheet my bodice had shrunk immensely at the bottom half , whereas the top half was much broader and wider. In order to fix this issue I purchased more thread and added another Column of body to the abdomen on the side , and extended the underwear in order for the proportions to look better.