I am my own fatspo xx
I am my own fatspo xx
tw: ed ad bpd vent
i've been feeling very down lately. my weight loss just stopped after i reached 49.9 kg and i know that it's normal and it happens, but it's really hard to keep doing all of this without seeing any progress for almost a week now.
i really wanted to hit my second gw before 21st of October and it's only 1.5 kg away which isn't a lot but like i'm not sure that i can reach even 49.0 kg until then with how things were going lately
also my bpd is acting up again and i know that it's "all in my head" and my friends don't actually want me dead and don't hate me but ugh it's so hard to believe this with this fucking disorder i feel like a burden in everyone's lives including my own
i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i'm not sure i can even call it "life" at this point. it's just being and existing and it's so god damn hard
p.s. english is also hard right now so sorry for possible grammar mistakes i hope it all makes sense
and thanks to everyone who reads this. it's really helpful to have this not at all mentally stable but still very nice community
i hope we all get better some day🖤
UMM. Vic's birthday party was super fun. I chose to be sober, which was 100% the right choice (isn't it always though hmmm)..
When Jordan got there I was immediately uncomfortable, as I always am with her, but! I know she is just trying to be nice and fix the awkwardness, so I went out of my way to be super friendly and happy and nice, and it worked! As the night went on I felt less and less weird about it, and then we were actually having fun. She apologized for last time when she made me cry with her, funny enough, apologies? So yes. That was good.
Vic said to me "I'm proud of you" and a part of me just lit up. After our talk and her worries, I just.. don't want to be the problem anymore.
I told her I had just had a really nice conversation with Devon AND Brett, and everything was going great!
And! Kieran was there. Vic and I laughed about 3, it was funny but not awkward?
I missed Kieran alot. We danced together. Ended the night sitting on the couch in his arms.. and then later with his head on my lap, just chatting about our lives. It's been well over a year since we saw eachother. He tried to kiss me twice, aahhh no, I wanted to, he knew I wanted to. But I stopped him. That's not what tonight's about. When I said I was leaving he asked if he could come for a ride in my new car 😅 Kieran come on. No, no, not tonight. I think I would have taken him home if Brett hadn't been sitting on the other couch next to us when he asked, or if Evan wasn't there, Aaron, Justin, hell even Jordan. Just no, no, no.
I'm proud of myself for thinking clearly and not doing the impulsive thing.
I really enjoyed not drinking, not even a "try this drink" sip or anything.
Brett asked me early on why I wasn't drinking. I stuttered said "that's a very simple question but there are really so many answers" what's number one? He asked. I just said I wanted to drive home, I wanted to sleep in my own bed, I didn't want to pay for an uber. He accepted this answer but he knows the real reason why. Last time I made a decision that was not well thought out, and it could have clearly jeopardized my friendships with alot of people. Thank God it didn't, but!! it was a wake up call.
I had so much anxiety on my way there to be honest, after work I was so nervous and I didn't know why. But. That was why. I was purposely going against my instincts, choosing to be uncomfortable.
It was a very, very fun night. Definitely the best in a long time. ❤
Does anyone else have to lay in a dark quiet room after a long over stimulating day or is it just me?
i’m losing myself and i’m afraid you’re gonna lose me too
Late night weirdness.
catra has bpd
people with bpd make their personality by hand, out of people they look up to, have been friends with and have been in a relationship with they also tend to mirror favourite characters from fiction, but especially their favourite person
so what aspects of catras personality do you think where mirrored from adora, is she mirroring anyone else? who else? how do you think she feels about this? does melog help her differentiate hobbies she's actually interested between hobbies she's excited her loved ones have showed her because that means acceptance and is afraid of people not accepting her and will leave?
U use me to talk to at ANY time of the day/night, then u call me ur best friend (which is a first for me) and then u NEVER pick up the phone just once for me when I need to talk. I’m out here fucking screaming I should kill myself in my head on repeat all day, n ur “not hanging out with anyone” all over ur Instagram story, tryina tell me it’s the hardest time of ur life.
I don’t even see people. I don’t.
I don’t go out.
I talked with 1 person on the phone, that isn’t as close to me so it’s just for the jokes.
I do the same activity over and over and nothing else.
I think I should kill myself.
But ofc, I’m just a jerk for expecting my friend to give a shit.
Cosey Fanni Tutti baby
Been feeling kinda lost lately..
Some days I'll feel sad without knowing why. Like I lost something very precious but forgot what it was, or I miss someone I never met. Strange...