I would like to take the blade to my skin again but I don’t want a horrific scar…
I know we’re all in an exceptionally weird situation. We’re going to make it through this. Together.
It is embarrassing, going back to T and having to admit to a relapse.
I tell her about the feeling that sits inside me, that chews away and even though I ignore it it is always there. How when I am alone and when I pay attention to it, it gets so big that it hurts, but it is an inside ache, not one that I can fix, how I want it to stop.
She asks me what I do, does it go away? I tell her sometimes I have to make it go away
(In hindsight now, it does, eventually when I get distracted by something else but I don’t always remember that)
She asks me how I make it stop.
I hesitate. I am afraid (of what? Of making her angry? Disappointing her? Disappointing myself? Admitting my failure out loud?). I hide. She points this out. Big sigh. I tell her same old same old. She understands what I mean. I feel a sense of relief. I also feel like a worm.
T says that recovery includes lapses or relapses, and that in times of stress, especially now where everything ive been piecing together has fallen apart, it is understandable I have fallen back in what used to bring me comfort. Just like any other addiction, it served a purpose, it has an emotion attached to it, even though it doesn’t serve the purpose anymore. But there was a reason why I fought so hard to get on top of it (I have forgotten) and there will be a reason why I want to get on top of it again. She reminds me that it worked pretty well in the short term, but it isn’t something I wanted in the long term. The relapses bring with it shame, and shame is a massive trigger for me and starts the cycle again.
She is right, I know.. but part of me wants to keep these behaviours to myself. Because they are mine, the one thing I have left that I can still do, the one thing that that hasn’t changed. And that is where the shame comes in- I should know better, actually I do know better and yet, I do not want to do better.
Has it ever worked out?
Have they ever liked you back?
Does anyone ever reach out to you?
I’m guessing not.
You’re always by yourself.
You seem to be perpetually alone.
That’s probably never going to change.
You’ll live this monochrome life until you die.
No one will miss you.
I know you still think of the way my hair smells when i come out of the shower but i can’t stop thinking about the way the air conditioner screamed for me when you refused to hear me tell you to stop.
And the sudden realisation that the way He speaks to her is really triggering for me.
Because all of a sudden, it’s me that isn’t getting it right, it is me that is failing, it is me that is getting in the way, it is me that just isn’t good enough.. suddenly I feel … little
.. and I want to scream and cry all at the same time
But I don’t know if my reaction or feelings are justified or I am just seeing things that are not there
“Don’t you wanna be normal”.
What, like you boring fuckers?
BPD is a pain in the ass, but I would rather intensely love someone and be open about it than do this weird as hell mating ritual dance where two people, platonic or romantic, pretend that they do not have the emotions and evolutionary attachment that literally every other social animal has, humans included.
Jfc my straight male friends need to use my mental illness as an excuse to hug or hold me if someone questions them in public.
That is the exact opposite of natural. Buy a male dog if you don’t believe me.
Wow. This hit, from getting sent home, suspended, desk in the office, crazy fucking mother, a year at CamH and I even spent 3 years in and out of sickkids hospital because of my mental health. I don’t think I got a childhood
excuse me but where am I supposed to find
D A T I N G A D V I C E
i need some
TW: suicidal ideation, breakdown, heavy talk of sui, relationship
i was literally laying in my s/o’s arms crying the hardest I have in my life and fucking begging for her to let me kill myself. I don’t know how long this lasted, but based on what she said it must’ve been a good 20 minutes. I feel, so horrible. I really don’t want to leave her that way without her okay, and I just want her to give to me.
its great having poor emotions being told those poor emotions are the reason why your bf cheated
and you are sure he is having a manic episode but lol he breaks up and continues seeing the girl he cheated on with and living with me
wow pls never do what i do
never once let someone be a goddamn shithead to you
do these match up forms!!!! i have lots of questions and options so you’ll get matched with like minded people!!!
open to all sexualities, genders and discourse stances!!!!!
you’re able to choose if you wanna be matched with transmed/tucute/exclus/inclus/endo system and more discourse stances.
I honestly really hate myself lately. I have gained a considerable amount of weight. A year ago I was maybe 150-160 and now i am 190. I have been gaining weight like crazy and it its all fuckin fat. Its probably bc I started binge eating at night since thanksgiving and probably before that. and not to mention I wont get off my fat ass and exercise. A year ago i was in great fucking shape!! Now I feel like a blob again. I barely have any self-control any.ore and i sleep the day away while staying up all night bc of my sleep anxiety and then im just exhausted all the time. Ive talked to my therapist and we’ve found ways that could help but for some fuckin reason I WONT do anything and im starting to think my psychiatrist thinks I’m joking half the time I say shit and still my brain tells me it doesn’t know what to do. Do i need a fuckin bootcamp instructer to follow me around and yell at me till i fuckin get out of bed, take a shower, and take care of myself??? Cause apparently i can’t do it anymore. Oh and I have barely even worked on my online school for months anyway so what the fuck is my point of living? I mean it would break my brothers heart for sure but i scare him when i have my meltdowns anyway and I’m like whats better? What does it matter? I have no excuse for not doing my schoolwork. I just fucking ignore it and procrastinate until the next day and repeat. First thing i do is sit on my chair in the living room and thats the last thing i do as well CAUSE I DONT GET UP. I am a joke. I need a reality check. Even my tarot cards are telling me that I’m greedy and am taking things for granted lately. My entire life growing up i could take care of myself and now im almost 18 and i cant?? What the fuck???? How did i lose my capabilities over these years?? I sometimes think its the meds fault. I could do tjis shit before i started taking meds. Now I’m an exhausted drained mess all the time. And thats the most common fuckin answer i give my doctors but no its not the meds they say, just give it time. It has been years. I have gotten worse. Nope yall fuckers are killing me w this shit. Lithium has probably been the worst. I don’t want to take this shit anymore it doesnt even fu kin help me and all i get is nasty side effects like neurontin givin me fu kin urinal incontinence. That shit is awful! But unless i can give the doctor physical side effects in front of them they just tell me I made it up or i researched it too much. Apparently i sound like a book. Like i wouldve taken that as a compliment if it wasn’t to tell me im lying just to get off these meds. Don’t ppl lie to get more meds????? Like why tf would i lie to you I want to fucjin get better i am sick of this shit i dont want to be on meds anymore
Blessing in the Chaos
To all that is chaotic
let there come silence.
Let there be
of the clamoring,
of the voices that
have laid their claim
that have made their
home in you,
that go with you
even to the
but will not
let you rest,
will not let you
hear your life
or feel the grace
that fashioned you.
Let what distracts you
Let what divides you
Let there come an end
to what diminishes
and let depart
all that keeps you
in its cage.
Let there be
into the quiet
that lies beneath
where you find
you did not think
and see what shimmers
within the storm.
- Jan Richardson
i’m a girl and i don’t think this is talked about enough. i fucjing love sex. i love it. i get horny so often. i need sex just as much as a guy does. maybe not as much as he wants it but i masterbate. i just did. the female body is so interesting and it’s beautiful. every mark, every dark spot. beautiful. girls want sex. girls get horny.
also, feminism isn’t about being better than men. it’s about being equal and having no discriminatory opinions based solely on whether someone has a vagina or a penis. it’s human rights.
just wanted to share.
My contribution for the day. The drive for its creation was you. You showed me weeks ago how much you liked this character. Here you go