thanks me!!! i love it <3
thanks me!!! i love it <3
Told my therapist that I resisted the urge to dye my hair again when I was feeling impulsive and he was so happy to hear that I was making progress and now one day later I am sitting here on my bedroom floor with red dye in my hair
The biggest thing about being BPD is when you have a FP and you hang on to all their trauma. It feels like needing to puke your heart out of your chest, the need to scream and rip out my hair. The urge to kill everyone who has ever hurt you, knowing I can't do anything about it.
The fact that I hang on it for days with so many questions I refuse to ask, so you don't see me melt down over what happened to you.
ʏᴏᴜ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ,ʀɪɢʜᴛ? ʏᴏᴜ ᴏɴʟʏ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ,ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ʏᴏᴜ? ᴛᴇʟʟ ᴍᴇ..ᴛᴇʟʟ ᴍᴇ ɪᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴏɴᴇ ғᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜ!!!
How am I supposed to express love when all I've ever know is therapy and neglect? How am I supposed to accept that when I come home to the family I built that they accept me with open arms?
Don't they see me? Don't they judge me?
I play therapist and mediator for my husband's mind that can't seem to slow down and rationalize. He can slow down for me, look at things from an unbiased view I'm incapable of doing when my brain is on fire.
I judge myself because I've come to doubt the neuron firing that society calls thoughts and feelings. I have come to doubt it because so many labels and pills and words have been put on a record that I can't even see. I doubt myself because I know on the most basic level I was broken.
I can play therapist to others but not myself. I just want to be able to tell myself that things need to be done and do them! Not have to feel like im dragging myself through concrete every single fucking day just to keep dirt and grime from accumulating on my skin! Not avoid putting my clothes away because I can't see a fucking point when all I'm going to do is lay in bed and have nightmares about time passed.
I look in the mirror and I judge who I see.
I hate who I see
I love who I see
I put on a mask.
And I judge while loving.
I'm so done with life right now I want to quit.
Caro diario, non ho molto da dire ma mi sforzo per scriverti. Ieri mi hanno chiamata quelli del casting ma ho dovuto rifiutare. Anche se ora andrei a Roma più che volentieri e non per le occasioni che offre. Inoltre ieri Mattia mi ha chiesto di uscire (per una volta l'ha chiesto lui!). Abbiamo giocato a poker a casa mia con la sorella gemella del mio ex e poi siamo andati in una pizzeria, la solita in cui mi porta. Come l'altro ieri non ci sono stati baci tra di noi se non due a stampo quando mi ha riaccompagnata a casa. Abbiamo sempre meno argomenti di cui parlare. E non apprezza affatto la musica che ascolto io. Cosa abbiamo in comune io e lui se non la ricerca di qualcuno da amare? Non siamo fatti l'uno per l'altra e spero ci arrivi anche lui. O forse ci è già arrivato e non vuole ferirmi. Nei suoi piani c'è quello di andare a vivere insieme ma so che lo abbandonerò per fare "la pazzia". Ne sono sempre più convinta anche se immagino che i miei mi metteranno i bastoni tra le ruote. Sono troppo possessivi, eppure ormai ho 21 anni. Devono lasciarmi scegliere il mio futuro. Ma prima di ciò voglio conoscere meglio R., nel senso che voglio andarlo a trovare anche se sono ore di treno e molti scambi da fare. Ma aggiungerei che inizio a tenerci a lui, quindi potrei sorvolare i fattori che mi intimoriscono per prendere tre cazzo di treni. Oltre a ciò credo di non credere più all'amore, anche se la mia vita si è principalmente basata alla ricerca di esso. Alla prossima
11pm, I’m overly intoxicated and lonely,, maybe depressed
I don’t know how to live my life
I wish I could figure it out right now
Gotta love swinging from "I don't want to exist" to "IM THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON AND EVERYONE IS ENVIOUS"
When you’re upset and stressed out that someone might not for some reason want to keep you around do you also picture yourself having a panic attack, being thrown out, and vomiting - or are you normal?
He’ll never love me why can’t I just fucking accept that
The world is round and i am square
I ruined another friendship because I can't shut up thank u BPD as always
just cried hysterically because my shirt made my top half too cold and my fluffy pj bottoms made my bottom half too warm
my thoughts and feeling work so weird idk why im like this i mean it felt like my heart was breaking
Mermaid & Purple Marshes~
I feel so bad that I ate so much, but I’m still in my calorie limits. I just could throw up, I’m so sick of this fucking food. I want to starve to death I just don’t want to fight anymore. Why can’t I be thin again.
A veces dicen por favor pide ayuda, ve al sicólogo. Pero cuando necesito ir, debo cancelar la hora para ir a trabajar.
Quién los entiende?
I’ve cried over her every night these past few weeks. You know..i believed her when she told me she loved me.Did she even care about me or was I just a burden?why did she keep it going if she knew it wasn’t going anywhere? I don’t want to cry over her but the tears keep flowing. So much so,I can barely see the screen whilst typing this. What did I do wrong? Where did I mess up? I actually thought I could be happy for once.I told her how people left me and she said she wouldn’t do that. She said she was going to stay..She made a promise and she lied..she left. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.
I think the worst symptom that I deal with on the daily is what is defined in the DSM as "Chronic emptiness".
Those two words define how I lack feeling towards any situation, hobby, experiences. Disassociating into numbness is something that feels permanent, non-fleeting. I'm stuck here.
And for what? What was the straw that broke the camels back for my brain to stop reacting to my favorite video games? To stop reacting to sex? To stop reacting to people talking to me, interacting with me, us pretending that they aren't speaking to what I personally feel is an empty shell with no direction. I'm not in control of this meat that other people call bodies.
I try, I really do. Everything feels so automatic. I experience the same feeling driving down the road staring at the yellow and white lines coming at me as I do eating my favorite food, and hugging my family. There is no actual feeling behind the actions, I just drive.
When you live life like this day to day you slowly start to understand why people jump out of airplanes, go skiing down tall mountains, drive cars down the wrong side of the road going 200 miles per hour, wondering if a deer will step out in front of the car and send them flying into a tree so they might hang for the police officer to find them. All to shake their head and question ,"for what?"
Ill tell you for what. When your brain has nothing left to give, when everything feels automatic you would do anything to escape the prodrome that it creates. Maybe falling through clouds, watching my inevitable death approach in the form of green grass and water, only trusting a specially made piece of fabric to carry me to safety would bring back some sense of excitement, happiness, enjoyment, JUST something that would help me remember who I am inside.
I wake up.
I take my pills.
And I once again get ready to drive.