This world is really fucked.

We are fucked.

No matter where you go…

Or where you look…

there are always lonely eyes on smiling faces.

-Cas

I came to the realisation once that while i might have felt my heart break before, my first heartbreak would leave a scar. By which i mean i don’t think that i could be just friends with someone after i had loved them.

I figured it would be someone new – someone far in the future – but looking around now… it was you, maybe it always was.

Our relationship took effort, a lot of it, but as time went on it was easier. We grew comfortable with each other, with the fact that it wasn’t perfect that we wouldn’t always agree, with the conflict. What an odd comfort it was, yet even when I couldn’t stomach my sisters, you were as easy as breathing. 

I bit my tongue. i pushed past the irritation and the hurt that came. I knew who you were and i chose to be here, i couldn’t take it out on you. When it managed to peek out from behind the iron curtain it was “petty”, and oh it was; that two edged sword only ever seemed to cut me. If I really had a problem i could deal with it, you were you and i agreed to it when i decided to be your friend and i accept it every time i choose to keep going. 

I thought that was us. That our talks and our conclusion that we were “two completely different people” meant that we knew that things would happen. I think we were too comfortable. It was two easy to “agree to disagree” or say “i just don’t get that” and let it all go.

I thought we had come so far. That we finally found a way to be ourselves together. That we both had the same understanding of what we were.

Were we always headed here?

I let you so close. In some things you were closer than anyone. I felt like i was me around you. 

I let you in. i shared your laughter and listened to you when you needed an ear. I shared my struggles and pain, and was heard.

I felt for you. I put you above myself. I made myself the fool for you. I put aside my pride to compromise.

I thought of you. You were in my thoughts; In my smiles and tears. You were one of my first considerations. When I looked around i saw you in the books on the shelf, in the quotes i read.

I saw you. In my plans. In my future. In my life. I saw our kids playing together. I saw us with everyone else talking about our partners and laughing at how far we have come. I saw us moved out and grown up. I didn’t want to consider that without you.

i know it wasn’t just me.

So when i say you broke my heart, what i mean is broke my own heart when i chose to love you.

He lied

He’s gone 🥺

One day I won’t mention you in my talks, I won’t see you in other people’s faces, I won’t think of you at night. One day, I will do exactly like you.

– Melania Di Bonito

Miss The Most

When they ask me what I miss the most I always say home. It’s not a lie. Until I walk off the sweet smell of nostalgia, these feet of mine will always yearn to return to their resting place, irrelevant is the fact that it is always with you.

— Cindy Cherie

God Counts Tears

I once heard that when we die our life flashes before us at the speed of light; every moment; every breath; every tear, smile, failure, success, hope, dream, regret. Not only do we re-live our entire existence in the blink of an eye but experience it with exquisite magnitude the impact we made on the lives of those we graced. Or so I’ve heard…

Is that not the most harrowing act of poetic justice?

If you, my love, are subjected to but an ounce of the pain you put me through may God have mercy on your soul.

— Cindy Cherie

Thank you for setting me free. I needed that more than I thought i did. 

Mother fucker I love with everything I got, but if you hurt me you’re gonna see how indifferent I get real quick.

I don’t have time for your inconsistency

Until the next time…

BAHAHHAHAHAHA i am so fckin depressed

🎶 covering their old heartbreaks with new tattoos 🎶

this is a poem i wrote about being alone in the winter while your ex is with someone else

the winter storm hit hard this year
the driveway is drowned by snow
while shoveling their yard
the neighbors timorously asked me 
when he’s coming back 
i told them only god would know

every morning i hear the walls splitting
i know the house is crumbling down
truth be told the house and i
have been slowly deteriorating
since the moment he left town

on days when my grief
for him consumes me
i daydream of time machines and
real apologies that could heal
what he and i broke in each other

i believe in my gut that one day
i will see his face outside of our icy door
he will tell me that he was wrong 
when he said he didn’t love me anymore

to prove myself right
i impulsively called him today  
needing to hear him say 
that he regrets leaving
so i could reasonably
cling to his memory 
until he comes back to me

but she answered the phone
the woman he abandoned me for
he gave her everything 
leaving me with only
our bittersweet house 
and mountains of misery 
to decay into nothing

after hearing her voice 
i knew it was going to be 
an extremely cold october 
because i was alone and 
he was finding warmth in her
and we were irreparably over

to make myself feel better
i lit the fireplace
hoping the heat  
would help me sleep 
and forget the fact that
he was never coming back for me

for a second things were okay

until i remembered
i need wood to keep the fire going 
which i don’t have and can’t get because
the roads are blocked from the snowing

sitting on the couch he bought me 
for our five year anniversary 
i admitted defeat and sat quietly 
watching the fire die down  
and wondering if our ending 
was just as inevitable 
as the fire’s transformation 
into cold, dark ashes

once the fire finally rid
i questioned if the red flames
lasted longer than our love did

My friends been scolding me for staying in the relationship where I have to ask for a lot of little things like attention and spending quality time together and one of them and this is what she says when I said rhetorically I shouldnt have ask for the little things.

“Are you an app that need to ask permission to the phone user?”

That question is like another (because I’ve been getting it from my friends for the past few days) big o'slap to my face and made me to see better - that I shouldnt beg for his attention, affection. I shouldn’t have ask for a call for a quality time in this time of pandemic. I shouldnt have asked him to notify me when he’s going off to have game night with his friends daily.

Break up is hard. But my friends is trully a gem and been making my days better and make me realize that I worth and deserve of proper love, affection, and respect.

Eyes Of Cinnamon

Stories weigh heavy

in his eyes,

cinnamon tales

of cities I’ve never been.

Fragments of moments

I cease to exist.

It’s curious is it not?

The pull of

human connection?

Part of me knows

he’ll never be mine,

the other wants to

travel back in time

and lay alongside him

in all the places

he ever felt lonely.

— Cindy Cherie

Confession:

I’m afraid that I won’t be able to take proper care of myself. Feed myself. Nurture. Stay… alive Active. Get out. See people. Have a social life. Not become… Another piece of furniture in my tiny apartment.

—

So to all my single ladies (or however you identify) out there, living on your own:

Please share your best practices for self care and generally living a healthy life. 💜

Please note: I am not suicidal. I do know how to do those things, and I have lived alone before just fine. I just a) tend to be very dramatic and self-belittling, and b) have not lived by myself in 7-8 years. I have come to be very reliant on partners and roommates who in fact, love preparing and sharing food, as an example.

These are things my ego worries about.

Listen, I know I was too much for you…but I also know I love myself enough to know that you shouldn’t feel like ‘too much’ for anybody. I love myself just as I am. Since I know this, I also know that one day, somebody will believe that statement just as much as I do. They’ll love me as I am, wherever I am.