It’s cold. The breeze blows in through the window, wrapping around my exposed arms with a vengeance. I’m alone. I don’t want to use a blanket. I would much rather have your arms wrapped around me in a tight embrace. That won’t happen. You’re online but not with me. You’re probably playing games with friends. I’m the last thing on your mind. It was always that way. Even though we aren’t together anymore, the dynamic afterwards is very much the same; me with you on the forefront of my mind while I occasionally show up on yours if you get around to it. Another surge of chilled air. I shiver. I’m not sure what’s colder, the relentless wind or the emptiness inside when I think about what I’ve lost and what we could have been if you just had tried. At least one I can cover and deal with.
-R (10/24/20. 3:52 AM)
Apparently sleep has turned into a stranger. Awesome.
You are exactly what i want
don't e v e r try to
touch me again
i loved you sᴏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ, oh baby, but t h e n
( i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i-i,
i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i-i )
Jedes Mal wenn ich dich sehe bleibt mein Herz stehen.
Guys I am losing my fucking shit oh my god I’ve been laughing all day.
My ex’s apartment was broken into. She never moved, so it’s the same one we lived in together. The first I heard of this was her asking me if I did it in an incredibly accusatory way. Bitch I’m in fucking Arizona. Also it’s been a solid 6 months. If I was gonna fuck you over like that, it’d have been way earlier. THEN she asked if my friend did it! She said it’s gotta be someone she knows bc only a few small (but expensive) things were taken - the TV, game console, and literal cash were all left.
My friend was pissed when I told her she asked if it was either of us and wanted to text her all pissy but had deleted her number. I offered to give it to her bc while I don’t wanna be a dick, I so want to be a dick. And it’s more acceptable for the ex’s friend to be a dick than the actual ex. I want to be a dick to all of her exes but she wants to be the bigger person. Anyway, I gave it to her and she sent me screenshots of what she sent her. I feel bad bc this is obviously very scary, and ofc the ex is the first suspect, I wasn’t upset for very long that she accused me. But also…… fuck that cunt.
I want to be nice. She seems like she’s doing well for herself, and I want her to. An unexpected shitty event sparked her last depressive episode that lasted like a year and a half and it seems like she is finally moving past that, and now this. It kinda seems like she can’t catch a break, and I do feel bad for that. But also fuck her. I don’t owe her anything, certainly not pity. I want to hate her but I don’t that much. And the little that I do, I feel bad about
I wanted to say it might’ve been the guy she was fucking around with while we were still together, but I don’t want to seem like I’m still hung up on anything. Also they might be good friends still so there’s no basis for that accusation either. It’s ok though, my friend said it for me. Not even for me, she was thinking the same thing. I really want to know who the fuck it was though. Like, if I’m not angry enough at her to do that, who in the hell did she fuck with in the past 6 months and what in gods name did she do to them to prompt this?
Also my first serious thought in response to her original message (which was “Did you break in to my fucking apartment?!”… told ya it was pretty fucking accusatory) was about the pets
Gone. In an the blink of an eye. We will never be together again.
I still miss you but it’s different now.
i h a t e you, ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ about you
ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴡᴀɴɴᴀ ʙᴇ in love with you no more
the problem isnt that you dont love me
it is the fact that you don’t love me enough.
enough to stay,
enough to tell the truth.
you shower me in half-truths,
in whispered wants
that will never become promises.
you whisper about what it’d be like if we did things differently,
if we had just held on a little tighter.
i tell you that we can learn to hold each other again,
but you say it’s too late,
you cant possibly forgive yourself for the harm you’ve caused.
you don’t listen when i say it doesn’t matter,
i forgive you,
that you can spend the rest of forever making it up to me,
as long as we’re together, the way we’re meant to be.
you don’t answer me. you change the subject,
leaving me to wonder
if you even deserve my forgiveness.
Sometimes I really wanna give in to the immense sense of loss your absence creates but I don’t let myself go there.
I am so tired of balling my eyes out, especially before bed when all I should be doing is peacefully rest in my bed.
When it’s that painful It amost feels like I’m pulling onto a string that’s attached to you, from me.
I imagine you can feel and hear my call, maybe you can see me at times. Maybe you call on me too.