therapywithmaddie ~ Instagram
therapywithmaddie ~ Instagram
If I am to be truthfully honest;
If you came back right now,
And you told me you are sorry
And opened up about all the lies,
I would run right back to you.
I want to tell myself that it’s not true,
But if you do this,
I couldn’t stop myself from forgiving you.
Words by L.F.
To get what you love you must be patient with what you hate
Let me take you where you never go Have a little fun, it's the only way we know Let me show you what you never see You know how to love only when you're holding me
When you say you've had enough And you might just give it up Oh, oh I will never let you down When you're feeling low on love I'll be what you dreaming of Oh, oh I will never let you down
He searched everywhere for you. Every place he knew you could be. Any place that you would go to get some peace. He checked the library, the coffee shop, your mom's place, your friend's dorms, and the common room. He even checked the janitor's storage to see if you sobbing away behind a stack of mops and brooms, knowing very well you like to be isolated when you're mad. He looked every high and every low but you were nowhere to be found.
Fear started pulsating through his veins. He began to fear the worst. What if you were gone? Gone for good. Gone because you were done with him. Done with the continuous pain you caused each other over petty arguments. You didn't want to think this relationship was toxic. But lately it has been taking that path. He began to fear what he thought would never happen, the loss of you. Tears started pouring down his face as he was rushing to the prefect's bathroom on the 5th floor. Hoping you would be there somehow. He pushed the door of every cubicle. It was empty. He started crying again. This time, his tears painted his face with panic and dismay.
"What if she went back to look for me?" he thought to himself when he exited the bathroom. He started pacing towards the Slytherin Common Room and burst open his door. It was silent and bare. The only thing he could hear was his dark green curtain dancing to the winds blowing from the open window. You were nowhere to be found. He fell on his knees and buried his face in his pale palms in defeat. Tears drenched it. Suddenly a sound caught his attention. It was dancing to the similar rhythm the curtains did when the wind blew. He cocked his head to find a note on his bed. He crawled towards it with curiosity. It was almost like his knees were too weak to even carry him to walk after what had happened.
The note read: "Dray, it's me. We can't keep doing this to ourselves. This isn't good for me, or for you. I'm sorry. I love you. I always will. But this is over. Goodbye"
Draco held the note in his hand and stared blankly at it. His worst fears came to reality and he felt numb. There wasn't a drop of emotion on his face. There wasn't a sound from his lips. The room was silent. He was silent. He couldn't move. The pain was too much. He just kneeled by his bed with the note still in his hand. Holding on to it like it was the only thing left of you. He held on to it with every strength he had left, making sure it doesn't slip away. He couldn't believe that you were gone. He lost you. He lost you for good. His anger, your anger, it tore you apart. Forever.
This is the final part of Anger. I hope you guys like it as much as you liked the first one.
Thank you for reading. ❤️
PS. Credits to all the original GIF creators. 💕
collectiveworld ~ Instagram
quote by heidipriebe ~ Instagram
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"if we never talk again, remember I loved you"
That's something I really wanted to say to my ex-friend, but never did. I didn't, because during our last conversation he wasn't paying attention at all, he wasn't interested in what I was saying, he wasn't answering my direct questions (knowing it would cause me even more pain) and when it ended i immediately started crying and run out of the room (we were in a public place)
I haven't seen him ever since
He doesn't know I have this blog nor does he use Tumblr, but I have nowhere else to say it, so
if we never talk again,
remember I loved you,
so fucking much
risingwoman ~ Instagram
It’s been almost a month since we ended. I still can’t help but wonder if we really could have made this work. I still don’t see why it couldn’t. Maybe I’m still looking at the last few months through rose colored glasses. I’m bitter at myself for being vulnerable around you and still loving you even now. I’m bitter at the fact that I’m pretty sure this will change our dynamic forever. Not sure if we can even really be friends...at least not for a long time. Do you even think of me still? Is there still love for me? Or is there already another person? These thoughts literally haunt me everyday and it’s almost crippling. I want to hate you, but I can’t because you were so good to me. I can’t find myself accepting the reason this “needed” to end. However, at the end of the day...through all these negative feelings..I’m so thankful you and I loved each other the way we did. Definitely wish we could have done more considering the world, or at least CA, is about to open up again. The trips, vacations, the talks, the arguments, the makeups, the laughs that I was hoping to have with you will forever remain just that...a hope. Only in my imagination. I’ll heal in time. I doubt you’ll ever find this, but if you ever read this just know I’m really working on myself. I finally read seconds, listened to the beach house album..pretty sure you’ve seen that I’ve been drawing a lot. I’m not hooking up with random girls and I’m pretty much a hermit haha. I really hope you don’t fall back into your old habits. You made so much progress and it seemed like you really left that old lifestyle of excess partying, and drinking, and dating. Well, regardless if you did or didn’t it’s no longer my business. I wish you the best and all the happiness in the world. You deserve it Britt. You’ll always have a special place in my heart
This almost feels like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind lol
I broke up a very long and emotional relathionship and I haven't been able to cry at all. Not a single fucking tear. Nothing and I know were done for good. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm desperate to finally crying it out but I can't, not even fucking sad songs make me cry. I'm worried.
“Villain, we can’t- no, don’t touch me.” Hero pulled her hand away and practically hugged herself as tears sprung to her eyes. “We can’t do this anymore. This- this secrecy. And I know you’re too proud-”
“To proud to what, Hero?” Villain nearly shouted. Did Hero really think he wouldn’t give up his own life to be with her? “I’ll tell them. We will tell them- the public- together.”
Hero shook her head, salty tears running down her round and rosy cheeks.
Oh. “This isn’t about me being to proud, is it?” A sharp exhale, like a bull. “It’s you that’s too proud. You don’t want the public to know you stooped to the likes of...of me. Is that it? That it, Hero?” He took a step forward, only for her to step back. Villain didn’t mean to make her nervous. Yes, he was angry- no, hurt- and he’d admit that, but...he’d never hurt her. He never had before, so why did she think- because Hero had seen Villain in action before, with the men he interrogated for his own causes.
His anger thawed. “Let me love you,” he said, and his voice almost cracked. “Let me love you and...and you love me back. Please, Hero. Please have the...the dignity to love me back.” I know I’m bad still, Villain wanted to say, but I don’t know who I would be without you. He was frightened of how awful he could become after losing such a bright light in his life.
“Villain...” Her voice was light, quiet, and Villain reckoned he should have been thankful she wasn’t screaming at him. They both knew they were terrible for each other- or at least Villain was bad for her- but it was better to let the truth out gently.
“Do you love me?” he asked. “Even just a shred?” Maybe he shouldn’t have asked.
“I-” Hero swallowed, hugged herself tighter. “I’m sorry, Villain. It’s not...it’s not that I don’t love you. I just...” She took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut, allowing a tear to squeeze out. “I love you, Villain. I do.” Her eyes opened.
He nodded. “You’re just not willing to let your love ruin your reputation.” A bitter thought crossed Villain’s mind, one that called Hero a rotten princess. She wouldn’t run away with the peasant boy she fell in love with all because of the pretty crown on a plush cushion- one that would someday make her a queen.
Villain didn’t know what made him say it, but he told Hero he was sorry, too. To her, it likely sounded like a threat. Villain didn’t doubt this was what she thought as she practically darted for the front door. It saddened him, made him feel like a beast to have her react like that.
Maybe it was himself who he felt sorry for- not her, or the people he may destroy in his melancholic state. It was he who was suffering, and he deserved to feel sorry for himself after falling so deeply in love, only to be broken, right?
He was sorry for himself.
He was sorry for himself.
I thought I wouldn’t live through it. But you do. You learn to love the place somebody leaves behind for you.
Barbara Kingsolver, Prodigal Summer
Summary: you regret leaving spencer after everything you've been through.
TW: angst?, fluff, kissing, breakup, mild argument. *let me know if i missed anything*
A/N: taylor's version of of that's the way i loved you has stolen my heart and i felt like making a short lil fic about this song. it’s also a second fic in celebration of hitting 700 followers! happy reading!
he was great.
he really was.
he was kind, and smart, and endearing. he was the perfect gentleman. he opened the door for you when you got into and out of his car. he tells you what you need to hear. he's incredible.
tonight when he held your hand as you stepped into his car, he made sure to whisper to you how beautiful you looked in your dress. spencer's favorite dress.
which is why you felt guilty about thinking of spencer.
you were going on a date with him and you couldn't stop thinking about your ex. spencer inhabited your mind when you did nearly everything. it was as if he had never left. the memories of him were always fresh in your mind... even the bad ones.
the arguments. the screaming.
but then there was the passion. the heat that never cooled off between you two. the spark that never dimmed. the light that seemed solar powered, never going out. you wondered if it was still there.
"what were you thinking about getting?" he asked, entirely mesmerized by your presence across the table.
"not sure," you smiled. "maybe just a salad, i'm not very hungry," you shrugged with a smile.
"whatever you'd like," he reached across the table to hold you hand, you obliged.
but there weren't any butterflies from his touch. no electricity that lit up your insides. nothing that made you feel crazy about him as you had with spencer.
it had been 9 months since you ended things with spencer. you were dating for over a year. the two of you had never slowed down since you began. working with him made it that much more intoxicating. a forbidden workplace romance felt dangerous. at first that's why you thought you couldn't get him out of your mind. and then you realized it wasn't that. it was that it was spencer.
this was your fifth date with him. you'd been dating for three months. it had been getting more 'serious' as time went on. but your feelings for him never compared to the rollercoaster of emotions you felt for spencer.
"what're you thinking about, darling?" he asked, stroking his thumb on your hand slowly.
"nothing," you faked yet another smile.
he didn't notice.
he never did.
you had ended things after getting an offer in the fugitive task force. the pay was better (not that that's why you left), and they needed you more than the team did - even though they told you otherwise. you knew you were valuable, but you also knew that they'd be fine without you - even though they told you otherwise. they told you you'd always have place with the team. so, you left. and along with leaving, spencer had claimed you took his heart with you. but you had left yours with him in return.
you couldn't feel anything for the charming man in front of you whenever spencer still had your heart.
"look, i know it's a bit early to say this," he began speaking, " i mean, we've only been together for three months. but..." you retraced your hand so he fiddled with his own. "i never knew how amazing i could feel with someone in my life romantically. i think... i think i'm in love with you."
*22 months ago*
you had been reckless. you had gone into the house without any backup yet you came out unscathed. spencer was still burning hot despite the fact that you were unharmed. he appeared at your house late the night you had returned, around 2 am.
"y/n!" he pounded on your door. "i know you're in there! open up!" he demanded. you trudged into your living room and opened the door quickly.
"what, spencer?" you spat out. "why are you here? because i know it's not to check up on me," rolling your eyes, you stepped outside with him and shut the door behind you.
"why wouldn't it be? you could've gotten killed, y/n!" he yelled, not at you but at the situation. "maybe i'm worried about you! maybe i care about your well-being! maybe i just don't want you to die!" he shouted.
he had never truly been close to you. ever since you joined 7 months ago he had maybe one conversation with you during each case, only about the case. he wasn't necessarily rude, but mostly deflective. he wouldn't carry the conversation. he replied with simple answers that prevented further conversation. he never wanted to talk with you or hang out with you unless others were there. he just... didn't like you.
but you had been so excited to meet him. penelope, one of the reasons you got the spot on the team in the first place because you'd met her in her hacker days, had talked him up quite a lot. she had also said you were a match made in heaven. you thught she was mistaken until you saw him standing in the bullpen, talking to none other than pg. imagine your disappointment when he barely spoke to you.
and since you had gotten hurt he hadn't just been dismissive. he had been rude. he had rolled his eyes at you when you were sitting across from him in the plane. he had scoffed when morgan said how tough you were for taking the unsub down alone.
and now he was outside your door as rain began pouring down.
"if you do care about me then you have a funny way of showing it," now it was your turn to scoff.
"you were reckless. how could be so foolish?" he asked in a softer tone, walking closer to you to connect his skin to yours, needing to reassure himself that you were alright.
"i wasn't foolish," you snatched your arm away from his grasp, he backed away slowly. "i had to save that little girl's life, reid. you know that i had no other choice."
"you could've gotten killed," he stated once more, holding his hands together in front of him.
"that little girl could've been killed, too," you shook your head, sighing as you pressed your fingers into your temples. "i... reid, i couldn't let that happen."
"well i couldn't... i don't know what i'd do if you had actually been hurt or-or died," he bit his lip, trying to keep himself from saying much more.
"you barely talk to me at all. this is the longest conversation we've had in all the months i've known you," you chuckled humorlessly. "you're ridiculous."
"i'm sorry," he apologized softly, almost whispering. "it's... it's complicated."
"what's complicated?" you stepped forward to get closer to him. "what's so complicated that you couldn't stand to have a real conversation with me?"
"you wouldn't understand," he shook his head, stepping back once more into the rain, turning around as if he were going to leave.
"don't-" you grabbed his bare arm. smoke. "don't walk away. not again," you shook your head. "please tell me why you couldn't stand me?"
"it's not that i couldn't stand you," he said with a sigh, turning around to meet your eyes. "it's that... well i couldn't stand how you made me feel," he admitted, grabbing your hands instead of his own. "i couldn't stand how the first time i saw you i thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world and i couldn't stand how perfect your voice is - even when you're about to cry. i couldn't stand how you're the first woman i've loved since i watched my girlfriend die in front of me."
you felt fire all over.
maybe it was because the heat you felt as your gears turned, trying to figure out how he could love you. the friction from the thoughts running through your head caused the smoke that lit the flame that burned between the two of you. a match made from heaven, the universe, whatever you believed in, in that moment.
"spencer..." the first time you'd ever called him that, his eyes bore into yours with the same fire you felt. "how could you... how could you love me when you don't even know me?"
"i know you, y/n," he smiled, tears streaming down his face being masked by the rain pouring on the two of you. "i-i know that when you get frustrated or angry you just stay quiet. i know that when you're focused you rub your fingers together. i know that when you're incredibly happy you tear up because you wonder how you deserved to be so joyful. i know that when you're feeling insecure you like to read pride and prejudice and imagine yourself living in another world... and i know that i love you."
"kiss me," you asked, trailing your hands up his arms to the back of his neck. "please... kiss me?" you asked again before he filled your request.
one of his hands grasped the hair at the back of your head, pulling you against him with a groan. you felt the passion penny had said you would've had from the beginning through his kiss. the way his tongue traveled into your mouth and wandered as if he wanted to use his eidetic memory to memorize what you tasted and felt like.
and you knew that the fire you both felt would never burn out because even in the rain, it burned brighter than ever before.
"spencer," you broke the kiss. "i love you."
"so," he had smiled. "you don't have to say it back, i completely understand if you need more time."
you felt terrible. you missed spencer. you wanted spencer. you needed spencer. not more time. you had already given him time. you gave yourself time. but no amount of time could ever diminish what you felt for spencer.
"i'm sorry," you whispered, preparing to break things off softly. "you're such an amazing guy, a total gentleman. but... but i still-"
"love the other guy," he chuckled, looking down a bit upset. "that's alright. you can't force feelings."
"i really tried," you smiled, reaching for his hand once again. "with him it was just so... passionate, and crazy, and... i'm so sorry. i wasn't trying to lead you on i just figured that over time those feelings for hi would just disappear but... they never did."
"i know, thank you for trying to feel things out with me," he smiled, knowing you could see how forced it was. "if you wouldn't mind, could we still be friends?"
"oh, of course," you squeezed his hand. "you're one of the kindest men i've ever met," you chuckled. "thank you for being so understanding, luke."
"oh, it's no problem," he shrugged off the compliment.
you finished dinner with him and he dropped you off at your apartment. you ran to your room and decided to call someone.
"hello?" the voice rang over the phone into your ear.
"hey," you sighed happily. "can i ask you for a favor?"
next thing you knew you were packing up your apartment that never felt like home. you got onto a plane and moved back home, right back into the same place. the same night you got there, you knew you had to make a stop at a certain someone's house.
you ran up the stairs of the apartment complex, up to the apartment you found to be your second home. you banged on the familiar door rapidly, anticipating his answer. when he did answer, you were already teary-eyed.
"hi," you sniffled.
"y/n?" spencer questioned. "what are you...? you moved away why are you...?"
"i missed you," you wiped the tears that were flowing down your face, pointlessly so as they continued flowing.
"you left me, y/n," he felt the water in his eyes welling up to mirror your own, stepping aside to let you inside and shutting the door behind you. "you left. not me."
"i know, spencer. i know," you sighed. "but we were- we were toxic. and we argued all the time and we screamed at each other a lot."
"so why are you here?" he spat out.
"because i miss it. i miss the screaming and fighting. i miss kissing you in the rain. i miss cursing your name at 2 am because you would beat me at chess," you cried a laugh. "i miss the way you made me feel. i miss your touch and the way-" you tried to choke back a sob. "i miss the way you held me when i'm sad and the way- the way you loved me. because that's the way i loved you."
"y/n it's been eight months," he huffed. "why would you... i don't know how to trust you again."
"please, spencer. i'm so sorry. i'll make it up to you," you reached for his arm, rubbing your hands up and down them to ground yourself. "i'll do anything, please. i-i'll buy you a new bookshelf. i'll do your files for eight months. i'll-i'll... tell me what to do, please. i want to make it up to you if you'd let me."
"y/n..." he trailed off. "i don't know. why're you even here? you accepted a job with the fugitive task force."
"i came back to the bau," you shrugged.
"was that for me?" he asked as if you'd never do such a thing.
"i mean... partially, yea," you chuckled humorlessly, an awkward silence enveloping the room.
"you shouldn't have," he looked down at his hands.
"oh," you analyzed his body language, dropping your hands from his skin. he missed the touch already.
his arms and hands were limp, detached. his eyes held emotion, hurt, tears. his shoulders were slouched and made to look slim, small.
"i'm sorry," you bit your lip. "i-i'll just..." you motioned towards the door as you maneuvered around his body to open it yourself.
you got it halfway open before he shoved your back against it, pressing your lips against his fervently. his hands flew to your waist and pulled you closer to him, his chest still pushing against yours. it was as if he had never let that flame die down either. maybe you were on his mind 24/7 as he was yours. maybe he couldn't stop loving you either, even though he hasn't said it yet. the taste of tears on both of your tongues reminded you of the situation at hand.
"i do, too," he whispered against your lips. "love you," he read your mind. "as if i'd ever be able to stop," he sarcastically admitted. "but... how would this work? you said it yourself, we fought and argued all the time."
"we could work on communication. i've worked on bettering myself while i was away. i even did yoga," you brought your hands up to his face, pressing another peck on his lips.
"i missed you too," another kiss. "and i've tried to improve myself. i guess i just wondered why you had left so abruptly. why i never really got much of an explanation."
"and you deserved one, spencer," you ran your thumbs along his cheekbones. "you deserve the best and that's why i left. because i knew i would never really be best for you. i knew that if i had come to you and told you how i had been feeling that you'd talk me down and then i'd stay. and i know it's selfish of me to be with you right now but i couldn't stay away from you any longer. i tried to forget about you but i couldn't."
"i'm glad you couldn't forget me," he smiled against your lips as you pushed him forward onto his couch, you straddled his hips as he sat down.
"i could never," you kissed his forehead. "no matter who i met," his nose. "i couldn't get you out of my head," his cheek. "you've driven me insane," his other cheek. "because that's the way i loved you," his lips.
"i love you," he mumbled against your lips, his hands finding your waist and gripping it tightly as if he never wanted to let go. "so much."
in the words of the beloved mr. darcy, he has bewitched you body and soul and you love, love, love him. he made you completely and perfectly and incandescently happy. you were consumed by fire because of how much you loved him. you loved him in a way that possessed your soul completely, utterly blissed at the thought of him. in a way that lit your very essence to flames and transformed it - not into a phoenix rising from the ashes - but transformed it into pure, unadulterated adoration and desire.
and that's the way he loved you.
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Je suis dans mon lit vide de toi à ne rien comprendre.
Le temps passe sur l’horloge, mais ma tête est sur pause.
J’entends un bourdonnement au loin, je crois que c’est mon coeur qui bat, je ne sais plus, je suis comme engourdie, comme si j’avais l’hivers du Quebec pogné dans l’corps.
J’ai beau avoir lavé mes draps deux fois, ton odeur est encore là. La note de tête me rappelle la douceur de ta peau, la note de coeur évoque l’ivresse que je ressens quand on s’embrasse, la note de fond me remémore cruellement à quel point tu me manques.
J’attends à côté de mon téléphone, d’un coup qu’il y ait une notification, un petit point rouge qui me rassurerait que toi aussi tu penses à moi.
Il y en a eu, au début. Tu as vite abandonné devant mon entêtement à ne pas te répondre.
Je dis que c’est pour nous deux que je le fais, mais on sait très bien les deux que c’est surtout pour moi.
On se l’ai dit ce fameux soir où on s’est parlé pour vrai, la lumière éteinte comme pour tamiser la violence de ce qui s’en venait.
Tu m’as rejeté gentiment, maladroitement, mais gentiment. En ne voulant pas finir tes phrases pour m’éviter une trop grande peine.
C’est à cet instant que je t’ai fait mes adieux, enlacées, mon nez dans le creux de ton cou. J’ai su à quel point je t’aimerais si j’me laissais aller, j’ai senti toute la puissance de ce “nous” qui ne se conjuguerait jamais. Comme l’ocean au complet en une seule vague, un ouragan, un vertige que je n’avais jamais connu avant.
On s’est quittées en se prenant, on a pleuré les deux en jouissant.
C’était si beau, si triste.
Deux coeurs qui se reconnaissent, deux têtes qui ne veulent rien savoir.
Avoir la certitude qu’on s’appartient, mais pas dans cette vie-ci.
J’ai voulu garder ce moment intacte, à l’abris de l’usure, à l’abris du reste du monde. Un secret entre toi et moi.
Nous voir heureuses dans ma tête, vaut milles fois mieux que de finir par s’haïr dans la réalité.
Se laisser avant même que ça commence, le romantisme ultime pour deux êtres qui détestent tant tous les débordements, la vie qui nous balance son ironie en pleine gueule.
J’espère que dans un monde parallèle on est ensembles, heureuses, à rire constamment, à se faire grandir, à se pousser à être la meilleure version de nous mêmes. J’espère que dans un autre univers, j’aurai fait de meilleurs choix, j’aurai su me trouver bien avant. J’aimerais juste que tu saches que je vais penser à toi.
Quand je regarderai les étoiles, quand je vivrai une grosse joie ou une grande peine, j’aurai une pensée pour toi.
Ça s’espacera avec le temps, mais je sais que sporadiquement, j’irai chercher ta présence dans un souvenir.
Peut-être que dans le fond on est chanceuses, on ne connaitra jamais l’usure du quotidien. On aura jamais de baises plates, d’obstinage pour des niaiseries, de chicanes de ménage. On aura jamais a dealer avec le désir qui s’effrite ou pire le désir pour d’autres.
On reste suspendues dans cette bulle intemporelle où tout aurait été possible et doux.