I was in a 12-step meeting just now.
And there was a part we read about, trying to manage. Convincing yourself, even though there should be more than enough evidence to the contrary, that if you just have enough willpower, if you just keep trying, you can get it under control.
But you can’t.
And I think about this in relation to my relationship, and I feel embarrassed… I feel shame. That I didn’t see it. And that even when I did see it, I looked the other way. And then that even when I couldn’t look the other way anymore I still couldn’t let it go. I still couldn’t leave. I still couldn’t stop blaming myself.
THAT EVEN NOW, now that I have left, of I let myself think about it for too long, I STILL THINK IT’S MY FAULT. And I don’t know how to stop feeling that way.
Without hating him. And I can’t do that.
Two years. TWO YEARS.
I don’t know how to process that.
The amount of things that made me uneasy, or nervous, or flat out scared, that I kept to myself.
WHY DO I DO THIS?
I don’t know how to feel about anything.
I want to just sit with someone and tell them everything. But I’m scared. And ashamed.
And scared that somehow he’ll find out what I said.. and he’ll be hurt and feel betrayed and won’t understand, and will say I’m lying.
And then I wonder if I am.
I don’t know how to deal with any of this.
I need to be mad but I don’t feel like I can without some very delicate infrastructure within me totally collapsing.
I just wonder what would have happened if I had been honest… If I had told friends and family about what was going on early on.
And even now I feel like I’m making it sound like he’s the bad guy, and my brain wants to jump in and be like.. I know it sounds bad, but he’s really a good guy. He didn’t really do anything wrong. It’s not as bad as it sounds.
And I fucking know exactly how THAT sounds cuz I’ve heard that shit before. From myself and others and it was NEVER a good situation. And it was NEVER not as bad as it sounded…
I don’t know how to do this…