✨ I’m tired of feeling so fucking fat ✨
✨ please make it stop ✨
✨ I’m tired of feeling so fucking fat ✨
✨ please make it stop ✨
got depressed cause I thought I gained weight but I actually lost some weight. Maybe only consuming calories through vodka is a good thing 🧐
Thought about starting to write some on here every day. I’m bulimic. Three years have passed now since I purged for the first time ever. Since then I have been on a hell of a journey of ganing and losing weight.
Last time I weighed myself (in february) was 110kgs. My lowest weight was 79kgs. I just wanna be there now. I’m a schizophrenic so the meds I take everyday make me gain weight. It’s ruining me.
I noticed starvation when I was in the psychward a couple weeks ago because I was unable to purge and I kinda liked it. Now I’m restricting for the first time since 2018.
ED tumblr is giving me some willpower to slowly lose weight again. I want to look human again. I want pretty privelige. I want to look in the mirror and see myself. The skinny Luna.
Couple a days ago I started IF. I have 2 meals (max 3) a day in a timewindow 12 am to 7 pm. Wish me luck!!
i haven’t been counting all my calories lately. i’ve only been logging in what i can count, but not everything and yesterday i didn’t have much bc i didn’t have breakfast so i only had 2 slices pf pizza, some rice and half a boiled egg and a milkshake. i aso walked and burned off like 190 or so calories + danced and did cardio for 2 hours. today i had a chocolate croissant w milk, a butter croissant and i just had a sandwich with boiled egg, cheese and tuna but even that i didn’t finish (only had like 5 bites before feeling full). i wanted to work out but i feel lazy so yeah. my birthday is tomorrow so ik i won’t be able to workout and restrict but i really want to enjoy the day. i’ll have people sleeping over so that means i won’t be able to retrict on friday too, but i will workout in the evening i hope. i wasted sm time. i remember in september i said i’d start so i’d have lost 5kg by my birthday and here we are. the dress i wanted to wear doesn’t fit me :)
I’m starting to realize I never ‘recovered’ while I was gone from this app lmao
it’s everyone’s fav unknown unstable boy, you know I couldn’t stay away from ED Tumblr to cope 3
It’s been so long, and honestly I haven’t been doing well since I’ve used Tumblr, but honestly nothing compares. I miss feeling like I had a hideout, where I could finally find my place to cope and not feel so shitty about everything.
My life has been a mess and I feel like a loser, but I’m tired of that, I’m ready to transform into who I want to be.
I’m going to probably track down and try interact with others because I want this account to be active, I’ve been so lonely. Now I’ve been 18 and kind of struggling, not totally recovered from my ED but I’ve been off track since forever. I’ve been so out of control and honestly need my control back.
I’ll probably start posting my diet and such, I’ll also probably be venting a shit ton. I just need somewhere to put all these thoughts. My main goal is to lose 10 pounds first. <3
and out of the blue
it is here,
where you finally love yourself enough
to eat breakfast
on which your feet
don't touch the scale
first thing in the morning
the day where lunch is just lunch
and not regret
or half-an-hour of chloe ting watching you
This is the day
of grieving your lost youth
and celebrating what lays ahead
of peanut butter and forgiveness
a day not spend on your bathroom floor
you know, you will never not be broken
but there will come the day
where you start collecting
all those tiny pieces of you
and want to make something beautiful
out of them
I promise you
you will make something beautiful out of this
Had a rough night. I got my flu vaccination yesterday and everything hurts.
Most of all my arm... but that's normal for a vaccination since my immune system isn't the best.
Also started the day with a mental breakdown about realizing I look disgustingly skinny but still feel like I need to loose weight but also don't want to loose weight.
Ah yes... thanks ed brain.
But it's still not to late to turn this around. I don't give up.
Calming myself now with some videos, animal crossing and fresh coffee in the morning:
It's not me still laying in bed at 8 am in the morning... no, no.
Shhhhh... don't tell anyone. (⌒_⌒;)
Had a rough night and I'm so so tired all the time.
Having your body not nourished right bc of an eating disorder feels pretty shitty...
Holding on until November. Hopefully I can go inpatient soon. It's getting tougher every day.
Hate when relatives offer me food. They try to build good relationships using food. Although, in all other regards they are abusers.
I feel like a kitty whose acceptance is gaining with food to torture then
We all understand AN and Atypical AN are the same condition. But something that ED tumblr seriously seems to NOT understand is that the APA is working on it.
We all know that the DSM is bullshit. But it's not just random, fatphobic, ableist, unprocessed, unconsidered bullshit. It's bullshit that's based on hundreds of incredibly dedicated (albeit biased and priviledged) research psychiatrists trying to objectively consolidate thousands of studies which take years and even decades each to reach publication. Proposed studies are often denied - ie not authorized to begin - if there is "not enough research" to suggest they might suggest something. We KNEW males and prepubescent females got anorexia far before amenorrhea was taken off the AN criteria. We KNOW people who are not low-bmi get anorexia even when that is still in AN criteria. DSM-6 workgroups began before the DSM-5 was officially published in May 2013.
The reason these things take so long is not because everyone is stupid, not because the specialists are not aware of this, not because the professionals who dedicate their lives to making our lives healthier think that you can't look healthy when you're sick. It's because it takes an unprecidented amount of dedication to accumulate enough valid research on topics and populations that aren't already flushed with research.
Along the path from a professor deciding to, say, measure AN symptoms in "obese" patients, there is GOING to be a single fatphobic IRB member, there is GOING to be a single fatphobic person on the funding team, there is GOING to be a single fatphobic head of that one journal that could get their underdog study heard. They're going to face barriers because patients who feel crippling shame and imposter syndrome for being high-bmi with AN do not call them up or don't show up to a research appointment; because they have to exclude a multitude of marginalized populations and comorbidities in order to show that these patients have AN with no "alternate explanation" for the AN symptoms; because the most common eating disorders are not, in fact, AN, and they have to exclude anyone and everyone who binges, purges, or many other symptoms.
While we sit around and moan on tumblr about how sad we are that we are not being heard, there are hundreds or likely even thousands of researchers, professors, doctors, students, administrators, and board members who are working their asses off to get Atypical AN and AN to merge. I fuckin hate the APA, they fuck things up really hardcore in more ways than I can count, but can we at least give them a break and realize they're basically on our side on this one?
Still awake watching the stars...
Over the last weeks I often lay awake in my bed.
Watching my stars and my moon shining over my walls and wonder how it could come so far.
I also kind of lay here in fear... what if I don't wake up? It's so much in my head lately.
I'm not fine. And it's ok to show it.
It is ok...
I don't need to be strong all the time.
Been quiet for a while.
Still not much new. Struggling is a full time job. (＞﹏＜)
But there is a light at the end of the long dark tunnel. The clinic did send me a letter. Looks like I just have to wait until November for going inpatient.
I kinda hope that it will happen a little quicker and most people just don't want to go inpatient over Christmas. It's not the first time for me. It's sad... yes. But I struggle to much with my ed to wait any longer.
Today I get my blood and heart tested again. I hope everything is still alright or at least not dangerously.
𝗧𝗪: 𝗲𝗮𝘁𝟭𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝟭𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗱𝗲𝗿. 𝗢𝗸𝗮𝘆, 𝘀𝗼 𝗶’𝘃𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗮𝘁 𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝘆𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗳𝗼𝗼𝗱, 𝗶 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗶’𝘃𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝘄𝗲𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗶 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝘁 𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗮 𝘀𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲 𝘀𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁𝘀 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶’𝗹𝗹 𝗯𝗲 𝗴𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘀𝗼𝗼𝗻
ecercising, counting calories and drinking white monster to get that new iphone and take aesthetic pics like THAT girl everybody is talking about. literally, my motivation is being a skinny girl with the new iphone, taking cute pics and wearing those cute outfits many girls wear . that’s all.
found our food scale again and i FINALLY got to make a myfitnesspal account bc it used to just not let me make one like weeks ago. guess who’s on the way down to 53kg?? mEEEE YES