i have seen horrors you cannot comprehend
i have seen horrors you cannot comprehend
not that no one ever fakes it but i am confused when ppl say there is a social incentive. i mean i guess but what is it beyond extra valid kinning i guess bc i wouldnt think being in a community where even other ppl who have it are constantly accusing everyone of faking would be worth whatever social clout youd get from claiming to have anything else. Ig if you ARE faking it it wouldnt really bother you since ppl saying youre faking wouldnt have any emotional impact at all if you know. I JUST DONT GET IT bc all my interactions w dissociative communities have been kind of insufferable and ive gotten no social clout besides my friends who arent dissociative side eyeing me when i talk about it like i know people fake it sometimes but WHATS THE POINT!!!
i can’t fucjing stand straight people. my grandma knows 2 leesbians (one of them is me) and she suggested i date the other one. the other lesbian she knows is her ex-step daughteR. THANKS FOR THINKING OF M e GRAMA BUT I WILL PASS BECAUSE HER BROTHER IS MY UNCLE!! MY UNCLE!!!!!!!!!
I'm not going to deny that su and She-Ra are what have enabled the representation we get now in owl house, and I commend both shows for what they've done for gay people on TV. But at the same time they both have massive issues. Mainly in regards to implerialism, and for lack of better wording "redemption arcs". And both of those things should be criticised about She-Ra and SU. Owl house avaoids this issue by simply not having a galaxy spanning empire that has conquered and killed people for god knows how long.
audrey voice yeah i have a bunch of 30 year olds on letterboxed messaging forums telling me to kill myself
the struggle of deciding if you should wish someone you were friends with in school a happy birthday when you haven't talked since november
Chapter 11: Something I Can Never Have
Foltest didn’t waste much time. He took care of organising the banquet immediately. So just a short time after she visited him in Vizima, she was back again. But this time it was not just her, the whole ball room was crowded. As he intended to, he invited the kings of the other kingdoms and Queen Meve as well as noblemen and noblewomen from all over the northern realms. The distraction was perfect. No one would suspect that King Foltest was only celebrating to get in touch with the other rulers. And while everyone was enjoying themselves, Mari was trapped in a conversation with Triss Merigold, the Fourteenth of the Hill, and Philippa Eilhart. And as it was inevitable when speaking to sorceresses of their kind, the conversation quickly picked up the male matter.
“Come on, Philippa,” Mari snorted. “We all know why you are slipping under Dijkstra's blanket although he lacks the anatomical features you are interested in these days.”
“You never understood the power of seduction. To make a man crave for you so bad he'd do everything to just even look at you. And you get everything you want in return.”
“And in Dijkstra's case we are speaking of information.”
Triss tilted her head and gave Philippa a puzzled look. “Why the redanian spymaster? I mean, wouldn’t it be more clever to go for a spy from another kingdom? Why didn't you try for the temerian one?“
Mari looked at Triss. “Who, Thaler? Oh I would even pay to see that. Him and Philippa are about the same age too, aren’t they? Something around 300 years?”
“No, silly! Roche.”
Philippa eyed both of them, with one hand on her hip while the other still held her wine goblet. “I never said I didn't try. But oddly, he wouldn't bite.”
“Looks like someone still has his self-respect,” Mari mumbled.
“Honestly, I thought that he is just not into women but looking over there proves me wrong.”
Following Philippa’s gesturing hand, Mari glanced over to Vernon who was standing across the room. And he wasn’t alone. With him was a young, blonde woman, probably one of the noblewomen Foltest invited. And quite clearly, that woman was obviously interested in him.
The three sorceresses watched the conversation between them and Triss laughed quietly. “Seems like you are just not his type, Philippa.”
“Young and fresh?” Mari grunted as she observed the woman with the blonde curls, gazing adoringly at him.
“Experienced!” Philippa corrected her.
“Blonde.” Was Triss’ final statement.
Mari took a deep breath. “Well if you ask me, he doesn't look as interested as she does. And who is she anyway?”
“Never heard of her.”
Triss crossed her arms and slightly shrugged her shoulders. “The Papebrocks are a minor noble temerian family. But one of the oldest aristocratic families in Temeria.”
“Aha …“ So she was one of Foltest's invited noblewomen as a marriage interest for his promising confidant.
“That didn't sound very convinced.”
“What makes you think I care about who she is and what she is doing with him?” Mari tried not to sound as annoyed as she actually was, but she wasn’t so sure she managed it. She was sure that Triss and Philippa noticed something.
“Really, Triss. As if Mari would finally start to take care of her body's needs from the waist down.”
“Thank you for being so interested in my private life.”
“There isn't much to be interested in.” Philippa mocked her.
“And what are you ladies talking about?” Keira Metz, another sorceress and one of King Foltest’s advisors, came in from the side and joined the three of them.
“About Mari's private life,” Philippa answered with a smirk on her face.
Keira eyed every single one of them, one after the other. “So you are basically just standing here and say nothing to each other.”
The warm and joyful laughter of Brigida could be heard all the way over to them.
“Even she is laughing about that,” Philippa commented.
“Okay,” said Mari. “Can we make fun of somebody else now?”
Philippa’s face seemed to brighten up about that thought. “How about Triss and her crush on that witcher?”
Ignoring Triss’ desperate sigh, Keira immediately joined Philippa’s suggestion of discussion. “What is it with witchers anyway? I don’t get it.”
Mari heard the three of them talking and discussing beside her but she didn’t take part in the conversation anymore. All she did was standing there, watching Brigida and Vernon talking. One couldn’t miss that they were getting along with each other pretty well. Brigida looked at him with big, shining eyes, tucking back her blonde curls, smiling about what he was saying, responding to him and touching his arm. And he smiled back politely.
Later, Mari had left the other sorceresses and their heated discussion about the advantages and disadvantages of a witcher lover. She stood at the buffet and filled her cup of wine when she saw someone appearing next to her. From the corner of her eye she recognised the curled blonde hair of Brigida Papebrock who was joined by a friend of hers.
"I am such a lucky woman." Mari could hear Brigida's smile within her voice. "He is great. Handsome, intelligent. I have to thank King Foltest for introducing us."
Brigida's friend laughed softly. "Inviting him to your wedding should be thankful enough."
"It’s way too early to talk about that. We just met."
"So you didn’t think of it? Come on, Brigida …"
"Of course I did! Have you seen him? He is perfect. It’s just … he is a little stiff, you know? But I think that’s just because we are surrounded by so many people. And he is probably watched by his king. So when I will get back to him I’ll suggest that we move this somewhere more private. And once we are alone he will become more relaxed soon."
"And if not, I think you will find a way that he does."
"I think so too."
Mari clung to her mug as the two of them laughed and walked away again.
Who does that bitch think she is?
She didn't like to admit it, but she was jealous. It bothered her that Foltest had set him up with a beautiful young woman and that she was spending the evening at his side. That she could just stand next to him and show him her attraction with all those people around. She didn't need to hide with him, setting up secret meetings, sneaking out of the palace in the middle of the night to spend a few hours with him before she had to head back.
Mari shook her head.
Who do I think I am?
She was the one holding him back. She was the one robbing him from all the possibilities. They had their fun and it was good for now but she should have known that it was just temporarily before he'd meet someone he could be happy with for the rest of his life. A woman who was able to give him more than she ever could. But what did she expect? She was an infertile, slowly aging sorceress and he was a normal human being. A relationship that wasn't meant to be right from the start. Something that was not meant to last. She wasn't the right one for him and she should not stand in his way. She should give him the chance to find his happiness with somebody else. His king was right, he deserved a wife who waited for him at home, who warmed his bed at night. And if Brigida Papebrock was that woman Mari had no right to keep him for her own.
She didn't even dare to turn around, but she did and saw the two women returning to Roche. Brigida was introducing her friend to him and tucked her arm into his. She inhaled deeply and looked away again. Him with another woman was nothing she wanted to see. Leaving her mug on the buffet table she walked over to King Vizimir and Queen Hedwig who were in a lively conversation with King Foltest and Baroness Maria Luisa La Valette.
Vizimir turned to her and his face lightened up.
“Ah, Mari! Would you like to join us?”
“Actually I wanted to ask you if you still need me or if I may be excused.”
Vizimir shared a surprised look with his wife before he turned his gaze back to Mari. “I don’t think your service will be of any need tonight. We will talk tomorrow. You are dismissed.”
“Thank you, your Majesty.” She bowed before the highnesses and turned around. Without paying attention to her surroundings, she left the banquet. All she wanted to do now was to get into her guest room and get some sleep. And tomorrow, she needed to talk to him. She should have trusted her instincts not to get involved with him. She should have never given into her feelings and emotions. Lost in her thoughts she walked away further down the hallway, away from the voices and music until they were nothing but a distant sound source. But the newfound silence was abruptly interrupted.
No. Not now.
But she didn’t. She didn’t wait. She kept on walking. Rushed footsteps approached her fast and a hand on her shoulder made her turn around.
“Hey … Why didn’t you stop?” Vernon’s confused eyes observed her as if he was trying to find anything that explained her behaviour.
“I just want to go to my addressed room.”
“Are you all right?”
He stepped closer to her but Mari instantly took a step back. “I’m fine.”
“You act strange. Even stranger than usual.”
She sighed silently and ignored his remark. “Let's talk tomorrow, Vernon.”
“We talk now.”
“No, you should head back. It’s not very polite to keep your company waiting.”
“You jest, right? I was just waiting for the right moment to sneak away from her to talk to you.”
“Don’t say something rude like that.” Mari shook her head. “She seems like a lovely woman.”
“Did you drink too much? Or are you feverish?”
He wanted to place the back of his hand on her forehead but she slapped his hand away.
“Stop that nonsense.”
“Me?” Roche snorted. “You’re one to talk. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Nothing is wrong with me. Quite the opposite, I am thinking very clearly.”
“Would you mind sharing those clear thoughts of yours with me?”
Mari looked at him and her mind was racing. She wanted to wait until tomorrow, sleep on it. But apparently Roche had other plans. “You really want to do this now?”
“Yes, I do. Do you really think I am going back there knowing that there is something standing between the two of us? If it is about her, I -”
“It’s not about her, Vernon, it’s about us. And whatever this is between us. We shouldn’t do this any longer. We shouldn’t see each other anymore.”
The look in his eyes told her that her words hurt him. That he didn’t understand, or rather he didn’t want to. He shook his head in disbelief. Not accepting what he just heard.
"Foltest is right, Vernon.”
His eyes narrowed while his glance never left hers. “About what?”
She hesitated before she answered his question. “… You should find yourself a good wife. Have some kids."
"Fuck it! That's not what I want. I want to be with you."
As much as she liked to hear those words from him, now was the worst possible moment for him to say them. "I don't want you to be with me and then in the end you look back at your life and see nothing but all the things you've missed because of me."
"What things should I miss?"
"Living somewhere peacefully, in your own home. Sit in the garden with your wife and watch your kids or even grandchildren. I cannot give you any of it."
"I don't want any of it,“ he whispered as he pulled her in his arm, took her hand and kissed her knuckles. Not minding that someone could actually see them.
"That's what you are saying now. But what if you change your mind in a few months? Or years? When you realise there is nothing more to us than this?"
Mari shook her head and looked at him. "I want you to be happy, Vernon. Not just for now."
"Why are you always so afraid of letting go? Of giving in and showing emotion?"
"Because I will be the one dealing with it for decades. I am at a point where I can still manage your loss somehow but I don't think I will if we go on further. There will be nothing that could soothe my pain. The pain of losing you."
"What are you saying? Are you … ending things?"
"What I'm saying is that …" She looked to the ground before she met his gaze again. Looking into his questioning eyes and his concerned face, she realised it. There was one thing tonight had taught her. She had to admit that one truth she kept buried. But when she was about to speak it out loud, she allowed herself to feel it. And when that happened, it might change everything, her world. But she owed him the truth even if it felt like someone was holding her heart in a fist and crushed it.
"I love you."
There it was. She said it. She admitted it to him and herself. She had fallen in love with Vernon Roche.
"I love you and knowing that I might not be able to keep you by my side because I am not enough for you and I cannot give you what you seek is … it's breaking my heart. And it is going to break yours as well once you realised it. Once you realised you wasted your life on something pointless."
Feeling some sort of relief, she looked at him. But his face didn't show any hint of emotion. And he felt silent, too. The longer the silence went on the more nervous she got.
"Say something, Vernon. Anything."
He just looked at her in silence before he shook his head. “Here you are, said to be one of the smartest persons who ever walked on the ground of the northern realms and you haven’t noticed.”
Again, he felt silent and just looked at her. But she couldn’t take his silence any longer.
“Noticed what, Vernon?”
He let go of her hand he still held in his and placed it on her chin. He stroked her lips with his thumb before he leaned in and kissed her. It was a kiss full of soul and feeling. When their lips parted again, he opened his eyes and looked into Mari’s, glistening with nothing but pure love for him.
“I love you too.”
Mari’s eyes wandered over his face, then she grabbed it with both of her hands and pulled him back in for a kiss that he intimately returned. He pushed them into the next corridor, slow and careful, and pressed her against the wall with his body, his lips never leaving hers.
“Spend the night with me,” he whispered between sensual kisses.
“I’ll spend the rest of my nights with you if you want me to.”
“Meet me in my room. I’ll be there in a few minutes.” He gave her one last sincere but hasty kiss before he rushed back to the banquet. Mari was left in the corridor, still leaning against the wall. She noticed her quick breath and her fast beating heart. She waited till her breath and heart rate normalized again, then she pushed herself off the wall and made her way.
“Vernon, please, I need a break. I’m not as young as you anymore.”
She felt the vibration of his soft laughter on the skin of her throat. They laid in his bed, resting on their sides, face to face and like he always did he held her in his arms while she rested her head against his sweat-covered chest. He let go of her throat and snuggled his nose into her hairline.
“What are you doing to me …” he whispered against her hair and stroked her spine up and down slowly. “I never imagined to fall for someone so bad as I did for you. I didn't even think I was capable of doing so.”
She just hummed in response to his soft touch and lifted her head to look at him. “So … Do you think Foltest will stop looking for a wife for you now?”
“I hope so. I did as he asked me to, I tried. Now he can leave me alone.” He brushed a strand of hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. “I know what you’re thinking.”
“I’m starting to understand how that overthinking of yours works.”
“Well now you got me intrigued.”
“You’re afraid he won’t leave me alone with that subject. But you also don’t want him to know about us. As you want nobody else to know. Because a romantic relationship between Vizimir’s advisor and Foltest’s confidant may become an explosive political issue.”
She sighed and wondered when she had become so predictable. “I love you and I want to be with you and I wish I could be the one you are holding in your arm during banquets but I’m just scared anyone will use it somehow against anybody. Or accuse us of plotting and scheming. Exchange information, confidential reports …”
“I know. And I understand. We are in too influential positions to show our love officially.”
With a grunt she buried her face in his chest again. “We love each other but we cannot stand by each other.”
“As long as we know that we do …”
She agreed with a nod and they laid still for a few minutes.
“… Vernon?” she muffled.
Mari raised her head again. “If Radovid and Adda really are about to get married when he becomes of age and Redania and Temeria are allies, maybe then. Maybe then we can let everyone know that we love each other. But until then, if it ever comes down to the decision between us and our obligations … Promise me we will choose the greater good before our own.”
"Because I don't want our feelings to stand in our way of making decisions. We should never choose us if we harm people with it. I could never be so selfish and leave my country behind. No matter how much I love you."
He sighed and looked her in the eyes. “That’s a lot you’re asking for.”
“I know. I don’t even know if I can do it myself when it comes down to it."
“Me neither. But we’ll try. We are both patriotic enough to put our kingdom’s needs before our own. That's what we are here for after all. To serve our homeland. And as you say, once the alliance between Temeria and Redania is sealed by marriage there is no more need to hide.”
“See, that’s why I love you so.” She stroked his chest and then pushed him on his back, climbing onto his lap.
“I thought the old lady needed a break?”
“Shut up …”
When Mari woke up in the morning, she was snuggled up in the warm blanket. She felt tired and exhausted, but she felt good. With her eyes still closed, she stretched and nestled her head against the pillow. She smiled because it smelled like Vernon, like the smoky but sweet scent of his pipe. Like the wind blowing through Temeria's trees. Like rain on a hot summer day. She reached out her hand, her fingers searching for his body, but all she felt was the blanket under her fingertips. When she opened her eyes, she saw the empty bedside next to her. But she felt something moving at the foot of the bed, so she slowly pushed herself up. Roche was sitting at the edge and draped his chaperon around his head. Mari crawled over to him and wrapped her arms around his upper body. She rested her head on his shoulder and he let go of his headgear to grab her arms. He turned his head and kissed her temple before he rested his head against hers. That’s how they stayed for a few moments.
“Where are you going?” she mumbled with a tired voice.
“I need to report to Foltest.”
“And you wanted to sneak out?”
“I didn’t want to wake you up. You looked so peaceful.” He brushed his lips against her temple and her hair, kissed her ear. “As much as I want to stay I really need to go …”
She sighed and leaned back, freeing him from her embrace. “Alright …”
He stood up and finished wrapping his chaperon while heading to the door. He reached for the door handle but before he stepped out he turned around to her once more. Mari sat on the bed, leaning on one arm while the other held the blanket close to her body. Her hair was messy and her gaze full of robbed sleep. And she had never been more beautiful. He walked back to the bed, propped his hands on it and leaned over to kiss her. Slow and soft.
“When will I see you again?” he breathed against her lips after their lips parted.
“I don’t know,” she answered with a faint smile on her lips. “We are heading back to Tretogor today. So maybe in a few days.”
“I’m afraid Foltest will send me out to get information on that nilfgaardian army or the Scoia’tael. So I will be gone for longer.”
She sighed and nodded slightly. “Then write me when you’re back. That will let me know that you are safe, too.”
“I will.” He gave her another sweet kiss. “I love you.”
She smiled against his lips. “I love you too.”
It took him a couple more kisses until he could finally tear away from her. He headed for the door again and after taking a last look at her, he disappeared.
SICK & TIRED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND VERY SLEEPY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tfw you go out for some fresh air but then some sketchy white boy starts yelling and running at something so you lock yourself in your apartment with a knife :)
welp belgium is dead to me i'm never going back there again
she’s three ounces of whoop-ass
does it ever drive you crazy how everyone is just flesh and bones. we're all just so alive. the best and the worst of humanity we're all just skin and flesh and muscles and organs and bones. and we're all so scared of something we know is going to happen and doesn't that make you sad and happy and so connected to everything alive. and i'm going slowly blind and my knees hurt and i'm so alive. my tears flow and it tells me i'm alive. i could be a simulation i could be a clone but here i am and i am here and i am here and i am here and i am alive. doesn't it haunt you? it haunts me. that i am alive? it haunts me. i want to rip away my skin i want to savor every cell. do they know? do they know that they are alive? a million people a million times have said these thoughts and they have felt alive and and and and i want to go to sleep. i'm tired
i love how as soon as any job i have starts raising my hours and making me work longer days i immediately want to quit
fma envy really giving me gender envy tonight
Fuck off fuck off fuck off I don't trust you-