It’s Tuesday, so I met with my therapist today. We talked about a lot and I have had a whole lotta thoughts all day. He also recommended that I start writing. And, this is my first day on Ritalin, so I have started a blog to track how I’m feeling on the medication (hence, medicamines). But…the whole lotta thoughts came spilling out first. I guess we’ll see what this all turns into.
I took my dog Peter for a walk and I actually…let my mind wander. Like, I thought a LOT, my mind felt racing, but not racing anxious. Racing, like with purpose. It didn’t feel overwhelming, like so many things I have to do, but rather, all the things open to me.
I’ve been highkey OBSESSED with 911 and the finale of season 3 was last night. We’ve all been really excited at the prospect of Buck getting closure with Abby. And her speech sucked and was entirely too self-focused, but I’ve seen a lot of great meta today about how it was good, because it was actually closure. Buck actually got to hear her explanations for leaving and knowing that she was most likely never coming back. It’s going to start him on the road to closure, because he never really got an ending to their story.
And then, a repeat of 911 Lone Star was on. Episode 2 and the scene where Judd goes to therapy and his therapist tells him to count to five and imagine the accident because trauma has a way of cutting off and allowing you to be stuck in a loop (badly paraphrased).
And both of these thoughts came into my mind as I was walking Peter. And I straight up stopped in my tracks. It wasn’t a trauma. I can recognize that I have lived through trauma and the situation with chris was very definitely not that. And we weren’t even dating. But…well…
To give even more backstory to the possibility of these thoughts tying themselves together, I have been thinking about him lately. Every time I walk my dog, I walk past his house (it’s literally a street over). I went through all this time tearing myself up in knots over him, when all I would do was go for a walk/run and I would walk on that street and I would imagine scenarios of walking past his house and seeing him and him seeing me and us having a conversation. All of that is tied up, inextricably to that fucking walking route. So it’s paths that I tread over in my mind whenever I walk the literal path. And I get thrown back, in my head, to where I was then. I noticed a few days ago, when Oliver Stark (Buck) cut his hair, that he looks a lot like chris. And I’ve been thirsting over oliver for weeks now and that’s kind of a hard pill to swallow.
But essentially, this all came to a head and I can’t help but think: should I reach out? I wanted so badly for him to be someone he wasn’t. I basically used him as my therapist, as my way to work through my own issues. However, I was also fucking 17 when we really started talking, 18 when I blew it all up by telling him how I felt, 19 when we repaired our friendship, and 20 when my dad died and he deserted me. I…I think I can partially be forgiven as I was a fucking hormone-addled, immature teenager. He is almost exactly three years older than me. I get not having romantic feelings. I fucking do. But I’m worried that I’m putting more pressure on our relationship as a friendship because I had romantic feelings for him that I’m not sure I had gotten over.
I also romanticized and perfected him. I fictionalized him. I turned him into a character and ignored any flaws and thought I could fix him.
Yet, I think that I could very easily fall into whatever feelings I used to have–I’m not even sure if they can be called romantic–I don’t know if that’s the right word to describe my feelings because I don’t know what romance is.
I am wondering though if I am unable to “move on”, as in, actively search for someone to date because either a) I’m scared of what happened with chris and scared of opening myself up again or b) I don’t have closure with chris [or, also, arguably, unrelated option c) I’m too obsessed with romcoms/fanfiction to ever let real life measure up or d) I’m scared to start a relationship with someone who never met my dad or even e) f) and g) that I don’t even know yet].
But I decided, when my dad died, and when chris didn’t come to the wake, and when he didn’t come to the funeral, and when he texted me that he was sorry but he couldn’t get off work and we would get lunch. I decided that I was going to stop being the one to initiate conversation. I was tired of always being the one to reach out and coming off as needy. I cut myself off. He never responded to my availability for lunch. I never texted. I thought about it a lot. I had to stop myself from texting pretty often. And I did. It was hard as fuck but I did it. I would have stray thoughts about him every so often. But I had moved on.
And then…November. 2018. And I am just now realizing that it’s been a year and a half since we last talked. I can’t get into it all right now. But that threw me for a loop for awhile. And I was proud as fuck of myself for standing up to him and not letting him walk over me with fake ass apologies.
But now? Now I’m worried (worried is not the right word…concerned) that I cut things off prematurely. Am I stuck in a loop? Am I out here searching for closure? I’m semi-afraid that if I reach out to him, and we talk, and things go well, I’ll let him back into my life and fall into who I was then (like Abby in 911..) which would be absolute GARBAGE because I have grown a HELL of a lot since then.
BUT ALSO LIKE. I thought we were friends, and right now, I cannot think of what I know about him. We just talked about me! All the time!!!!!!!!! That’s not friendship!!!!!!! Ugh, I’m done for now.