I have days that I experience extremely strong negative emotions such as loneliness, feeling unlovable, hating people (often my loved ones), suicidal ideation, fear, anxiety, worry. It usually happens when I'm tired or very anxious about something. I feel shame about the way I act and about not being normal. I'm tired of living with it but I'm not going to end my life in the foreseeable future.
Am I using "spiritual life" to justify staying in an unhealthy relationship and blame myself for not being "surrendered" enough to God's will? Is this God's will for me and if so why? It seems extremely unfair. Once again I'm losing the will to live and I don't even want that will to come back because it's really just me kidding myself that things aren't really so bad.
Let Yourself Be Loved
I deeply know that I have a home in Jesus, just as Jesus has a home in God. I know, too, that when I abide in Jesus I abide with him in God. “Those who love me,” Jesus says, “will be loved by my Father” (John 14:21). My true spiritual work is to let myself be loved, fully and completely, and to trust that in that love I will come to the fulfillment of my vocation. I keep trying to bring my wandering, restless, anxious self home, so that I can rest there in the embrace of love.