loneliness and making friends.
So this week was the first time I felt loneliness in full force like yeah I’ve been lonely before but it just hit different this week. I’m not a very outgoing person. I’m quite reserved, keeping myself to myself, introverted, shy kind of person and being in a situation where I am placed with a whole new group of people where my personality doesn’t fit in makes me feel awkward and isolated from everyone. Seeing everyone else feel comfortable with each other and see them easily slip into new friendships and relationships makes me feel outcasted, like something is wrong with me with my ability to make friends making me feel more lonely than ever before.
I think there’s a big difference in being alone when you’re with new people and being alone when you’re at home. When you’re at home even if you’re alone, you know you can ask people in your town to hang because they’re there but in a new environment, you’re essentially left out if you don’t make the effort to talk to people which makes the experience 1000x lonelier.
Being surrounded by predominantly second years, I haven’t found a first year that I’ve clicked with and with that being said, I have made a first year friend but I don’t think we align well as friends. I have also made two acquaintances who are 2nd years but they are exchange so they would be leaving halfway through the year but because they knew each other before hand. it’s hard to fit in with them and we don’t really talk unless they ask me to hang out with them.
I have come to the realisation that friendships do take time and do take effort, so I just have to be patient about it even though I’m used to making friends so quickly. Also because recently I have lacked the ability to make friends, I have second guessed my personality as a whole and it makes me question who I was and who I am currently as a person. I found it hard to be with the two second year girls as I felt like I was toning down my personality around them, I wasn’t acting myself and I felt very judged with who I was. My style changed slightly and it made me mad that I wasn’t feeling comfortable with being who I was?? I started feeling less confident with who I am as a person which sucks because I never felt this way. I was really proud of my personality and thought I was comfortable with who I was and suddenly hating that made me so sad?? It was honestly awful for my self confidence and my mental health.
I don’t know I just hope I find people who I feel more comfortable with and who I can feel myself and I need to learn to be patient and try harder to make friends.