my dearest 🗡 anon, first of all i want to respond to your ask as best i can but i don't want to air out your personal feelings to my followers publicly so i'll respond separately like this.
sometimes in our lives we find things that resonate so deeply in our souls that it kinda shakes you to the core and leaves you a bit speechless. reading your ask gave me that moment, and i don't mean that in a negative or bad way by any means. reading your ask did bring me to tears because of how much i see myself in it, honestly and truly, i saw myself in every word.
i have been where you are right now. i have felt that loneliness and those fears and worries, i've been the girl who is alone and doesn't have anyone around her. i have blamed myself, i have blamed others, i have just been in your shoes so many times that i've lost track of it all. i've blamed it on the stupidest shit like being an introvert or my mbti type or even my star sign, i have tried to find explanation after explanation to just get some sort of reassurance for myself in those feelings.
wherever i go, i can only see how people are looking at me, how they perceive me, where they are looking, what they are thinking, whether im too noticeable or not noticeable enough. i think online in this space i often give off this aura that says that i have endless confidence and i make friends easily and all that stuff but i truly don't. im just like you, i feel the things you feel and i feel them so so deeply.
and it's not easy to believe, it's hard to even allow yourself to see things in a different way, to open your heart and mind to perceiving yourself in a different light. i can't say that self love is easy or even consistent. i think self love comes in waves, it waxes and wanes, it goes through phases, but it's not always a clear cut and easy path.
those feelings of not being enough, good enough, pretty enough, likeable enough, approachable, everything you said - i promise you that those feelings are not foreign to me. those are things i experience a lot, sometimes on a daily basis. it's so so incredibly difficult to hear but where you see imperfections, others do see beauty. you are your own worst enemy, you are your own worst critic, your mind can twist and hurt and be so cruel that it's unbearable. and as hard as it is to believe, your mind is not always correct when it says those things.
it hurts my heart so much that you are going through these feelings because i know that pain and i know how awful it is. i know what it's like to feel unimportant and like you don't matter. and i know it's scary and mortifying and such an incredibly heavy burden to bear, it truly is. but if nothing else, if there is nothing else you can hear right now i ask you to take just this away from my message: wherever you are in the world, whatever time it may be, the first chance you get i ask that you look at a night sky. that you find a sky full of stars and you pick just one single star out of the sky and when you find just one star, tell that star something you love about yourself.
one star = one thing you love about yourself.
i promise you that there are people in the world and in your life who see you as the brightest star in their lives. every quirk, every flaw, every imperfection you see when you look at yourself is something that you can learn to love and that other people will love about you. a constellation is nothing without all its stars in it. you are part of your own unique constellation, you hold so many stars in you, and every part of you is important and every part of you matters. i can't just sit and say 'oh it gets better with time' because that's not something to say to someone who is hurting and in pain. the feelings you are feeling right now may be something you look back on in 5, 10, 15 years and maybe you'll look back and see how your constellation started as one tiny fading star and blossomed into a full and brilliant constellation. i promise you that your life is not an endless tunnel with no way out, i promise it's not a starless sky or a neverending ocean because you exist. you're alive. you're here. and that alone is important and it matters and it means something just as you mean something. if nothing else resonates with you or helps or just does anything for you, i ask that you remember that just by being here and living and breathing, you matter, you're needed, you're so important, and you are so so much more than what your mind tries to tell you.