I’m slowly finding myself tired of L’s crap.
Like I don’t really want to reach out to her and ask her to elaborate on how she is doing.
You’d think if she wanted to, she would’ve started doing it herself by now. We’ve know each other almost 14 years now and I feel like I’m just at the beginning all over again, but also not.
I feel like I am not as important to her as I once was, when I first moved out here.
Then again, she is one to say she doesn’t technically NEED anyone. Which is bullshit. We all need people.
December 20th, I still remember the date because I had to remember the date growing up to hold on to any hope that someone cared about me.
I was about to say wow I am really fucked up, but then I paused and realized, no, I was in a really fucked up situation. Progress. Self compassion.
Anyway, December 20th was the first time I stayed after school with L. Orchestra people were out of classes the second part of the day to prepare for and then play holiday (mostly Christmas) music for the school. We had been listening to SantaLand Diaries by David Sedaris in L’s class, but I had to miss the ending that day because of my orchestra stuff. At the end of the day I went to L’s classroom. I remember my English teacher from the previous year came into the classroom with a super long (to the floor) Santa hat. L didn’t ask me to leave so they could talk. I felt included, and I started to feel like I mattered.
L’s birthday is near Christmas. I remember hearing a teacher across the hall the following school year say Happy Birthday to L. I asked L later in the day if she had had a good day. I remember asking if anything special had happened. She said it was a normal day. I called her out and said no it was her birthday and I made her a card.
Earlier in December she had told me that at her place she didn’t have room for a Christmas tree and that she hadn’t had one for several years. She also told me she had a paper fireplace for that time of year.
So, I stayed up late the night of the day before winter break and made her a beautiful paper Christmas tree. I had her class first period and always joined her in her classroom before then. She went to the bathroom or to make copies or something and I put the Christmas tree up in front of her computer screen. She was delighted when she saw it. I specifically remember her saying, “You didn’t have to do this.” And I replied, “I wanted to.”
Idk why I felt the need to write out those stories. Maybe because it shows how important we were to each other? Even before we became friends?
It just makes me sad.
I AM a good friend!
She makes me feel like I am not a good friend, sometimes like I’m not a good person.
But then she says things like, “You are your purpose,” to try to encourage me.
So I matter to her, just not in the same way I did?
Idk. I just don’t fucking know.
And after 14 years, I am tired of trying to read her fucking mind.
And I am too afraid to say that shit to her because I am so afraid our friendship will end.
She seems to be the only person that I can’t be like, well if she isn’t my friend, that is her loss.
Because if I didn’t have her I would be at a major loss.
She was a mom to me when my own mom was abusing me.
Why the fuck is this still bothering me?
The thought of her not being my friend makes me feel like all my muscles are made of cement.
But I have been learning that there are people that do just talk things out when something is wrong. They communicate.
I guess I ask myself, L is smart, why won’t she communicate?
It is not my fucking job to help her do that. It is her job to fucking do that.
Late night sad ramblings I guess.