Mais uma vez estou aqui com minhas teorias de querer recomeçar e tentar ignorar tudo que aconteceu por parecer mais fácil de seguir em frente. Às vezes insisto na sua resposta quando o seu próprio silêncio já é uma resposta. Mas se já tenho a resposta porque ainda permito em que sua presença me assombre e me atormente?
i am so confused about my sexuality like i know i like both men and women but like is it sexual?? like idk what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like?? like sometimes i have moments that im like “oh is this sexual attraction” but idk!!?? and then i think am i not feeling sexual attraction cuz im trans and i cant imagine people seeing me naked rn when i havent had any surgeries and ill have more of a sexual attraction when im comfortable with my body. but then idk?? and then im like i do wanna have sex but like do i feel sexual attraction. im just really confused and i know labels shouldnt matter this much but like they kinda do idk.
Some days I feel unwanted, invisible and unheard. I genuinely feel like it would just take the right thing to make me just disappear. Whatever that means. It just seems like I’ve built up so many regrets and mistakes that I’m not always sure I’ll be able to block them out as more stack up.
Currently feeling like I might be faking everything. Or more like just overexaggerating things so I can convince myself I have a disorder.
I don’t even know what’s happening anymore. I don’t know if things I’m experiencing are relatively normal and I’m overexaggerating them or if I’m just faking everything or if I am actually experiencing these things and I do actually have the disorder(s) I think I might have.
And it’s so frustrating cause it’s not like I can get a second opinion or talk to a professional about it or anything right now. So I’m just stuck debating it with myself and being confused af.
I feel bad for us. After so much trial and error, after being told thet we’ve been “the best” hes ever had. After being told weve never dont anything wrong. After being told that were catches…over and over again. We still get left out in the rain, alone. And we start to thing, “Men are just cruel and lack compassion. They dont know how to love”….But then we see other women getting into relationships with men who want them no matter what; who stey with them forever through thick and thin. This makes us single girls feel worse. We feel like we have to cme to grips with the fact that its just us….But we were told that we were perfect, so now we dont know what to fix.
But maybe it’s best if I let you go? I realized a few things the last few days. Love isn’t just kissing, cuddles and saying I love you. Love is when you tell them how much you hurt, they take note of every word and then they work so you don’t have to feel that hurt again. But.. you. You didn’t do that. You hardly ever listened to my problems. Sometimes, you’d just make me feel bad about the way I felt. So, is that love? I’m starting to question it, I really am. But I love you. I’ll always love you.
So I “forgot” to sleep last night, and for a majority of the morning that my family was awake I was just stumbling around the house in a fairly over excited mood or attitude or whatever, and I found this teeny tiny yellow toy truck on the picnic table in our yard which belongs to my 2 year old sister and I was showing to my mom like “mama look at this tiny car. I love him. He is my son. My baby boy. I love him. I love this tiny car.” And my mom just kinda nodded and smiled and went “you like that you car huh?” And I just went “YES I love him, I love him very much, he’s my baby” and then I went to the bathroom and after staring at my face in the mirror a while I left and now I’m just in a state of utter confusion. Nothing feels normal. I can’t feel my hands. I’m just confused. I looked at my 13 year old sister and for a moment I squinted and thought “is she *really* my sister?”
No rise in BBT this morning. So I guess no ovulation yet? Ugh! I thought I wasn’t broken anymore, damnit! Here I am with a messed up cycle and no clue what is going on. Clearblue still reads high fertility. Premom strips are practically just one line. Discouraged is a real understatement.
Is this a character from the thing? I haven’t really watched the new Moominvalley yet..just some clips from the old cartoon….yet this character keeps popping up in my mind as like a guardian angel to the characters or something…but who is this??? i can’t get the picture off my mind so i just drew it…heLp
I wish it was love, sweet dreams and fantasy that kept me up all night but instead it’s the laughter of strangers in a familiar place, it’s a pay check with a heavy demanding work ethic, it’s a nice drizzle before the storm, it’s a empty pill bottle and a couple sad songs, it’s the paranoia of how much damage I caused, it’s the emptiness inside and lack of oxygen, it’s the discomfort of my own body, and it’s the thoughts too loud for me to sleep.