Trisha Krishnan award
I’m not sure what this could mean
I don’t think you’re what you seem
I do admit to myself, that if I hurt someone else
Then I’ll never see just what we’re meant to be
I didn’t want to get into a relationship.
He wore me down and soon enough I was the one crazy about him. I always answer to the undefinably strong pull toward a certain person. I was soul weary and needed a break from emotional turmoil. When you meet somebody else, they’re the main character of their own love story (just like I am in mine; as it should be). I’m privy to fact that we all have a history, especially when dating in your late 20’s and 30’s. I wasn’t ready for our stories to collide.
I desperately wanted to avoid cluttering my life with someone else’s relationship baggage when I haven’t even taken care of mine. He campaigned hard for the relationship. I went for it.
Despite my better judgement I always cave—give in to that desire — anticipate and absorb the pain that inevitably follows.
I told you that story to tell you this one.
Back in 2014 the term Cool Girl™ was coined to describe women who change their personality for male approval. (The shtick is contrived and annoying once you spot it.) She doesn’t have a solid sense of self and basks in attention to fill that void; hoards men like Thanksgiving hams and gets territorial when she’s not The Girl. She gets kicks from seeing how uncomfortable she can make other girls by openly flirting with their boyfriends just to watch them squirm. This act is so played out most people have an eye roll ready for anyone flying the “I’m not like other girls” banner. (Gen Z now calls them Pick-Me-Girls ™.)
I crossed paths with one in 2018 — my boyfriend’s best friend of sixteen years. A self-indulgent, selfish friendship. I wasn’t initially jealous, didn’t interrupt, and it came back to bite me; it was hideously unfair.
For storytelling purposes let’s call her “Kate Luu.” Kate, an incestuous tigermom who gets jealous of any girl her son gets with, a petulant toddler that would rather break a toy than let someone else play with it. Probably has BPD. Definitely needs a good therapist.
Like a lot of dewy eyed girls newly in love I conveniently dismissed the red flags around my boyfriend and Kate. I had empathy for them because of my past platonic friendships with flirty undertones. Guys would respectfully fall back when they got into relationships or if I was in one. I struggled with the slow withdrawal of warmth, missed the emotional intimacy, but recognized it as the right call and moved on. A lot of young adults exploring their sexuality go through this. As I got older I favored female friendships for being uncomplicated, preferring to avoid unwanted sexual tension.
Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction.
A couple weeks after celebrating our one year anniversary Kate texts me, “We need to talk.” Alarms immediately go off in my head. The last few months I had started bringing attention to the bad vibe I was getting and the inappropriate nature of the relationship. I got tired of biting my tongue. He didn’t know how to process it or correct it. His lingering infatuation with her made it impossible for him to distance himself or enforce new boundaries. He started hiding it instead. I caught him being intentionally ambiguous about his plans when going to see her. He fumbled himself into an emotional affair.
Princess Diana famously described her marriage to Charles as “crowded.” It was an unmistakable reference to his affair with Camilla. Looking back the (justifiable) anxiety I had was from being crowded. Intuition is not insecurity.
I met Kate for coffee and she read aloud a pathetic five page letter telling me I’m a bad girlfriend and “full of shit.” She was intervening on his behalf as the person who knows what’s best for my boyfriend.
“It’s none of your business.”
But no, she has the authority to interfere as his best friend of sixteen years and I was a one year nothing. She brought up the fact he was attracted to her first, told me I’m spineless and ruining their friendship with my insecurity. (She _really _ran with the words spineless and insecure.)
Accusations are confessions when they come from a manipulative person. Textbook projection. She was mad her narcissistic supply was tapering off. (Gaslighting Pro-tip: Label rightful jealousy as insecurity.)
My boyfriend gave her personal, intimate details of my life during their oversharings and she used that information to bully me. Nothing was off the table, including my sexual history. I can see how she manipulated him, but it was inexcusable. People who enable that kind of intimate toxicity are suckers for ego massages. They leave the door open for endless rows of inappropriate behavior. All of this was happening behind my back for a year.
Don’t you just love a story where the villain puts all the evidence of her misdeeds in one letter and unravels into epic, illogical rage all in one afternoon, in the space of two hours?
How did Kate have time to write five pages of false narratives designed to destroy a relationship she was jealous of? She doesn’t have a job. She’s a pampered dog mom living in her rich fiancé’s house for free. A busybody performatively taking care of other people to avoid a mountain of personal issues. (An unevolved Virgo.)
Don’t worry about what I’m doing. Worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.
Kate has many noticeable traits as an obnoxious, self-important person — an absolute fake. She calls herself a _philanthropist _without having done anything philanthropic or even knowing how to use the word; she literally saw a big SAT word that means good person and attached herself to it. (A word assigned to big charitable donors like Bill Gates, not bloggers). She has the same relationship with the word “unconventional” and thinks using a bigger word for unique or quirky makes her even more unique and quirky. (Nope, still basic.) In place of possessing any actual humor she repeats memorized dad jokes and leans into corny, forced puns. If this isn’t annoying enough she then insists she’s funny. (Funny people just make you laugh. They never have to tell people they’re funny. Barfs in, “I speak fluent sarcasm.”)
If I poked a finger through her shallow veneer I’d find loose dirt and dog shit.
And you know what? I’m not even against intense friend love. I get it. I groove to “One Love.” Emotional freedom is important. Expressions of love are multitudinous. It should transform to fit the situation. She didn’t respect basic boundaries to make room for all of us to be comfortable. She was just mad she got demoted and tried to burn the whole thing down.
Kate wanted to be the main character in my boyfriend’s love story without ever actually dating him. Oh yes, I know — the audacity, the toxic lack of boundaries, the mind numbing arrogance. She’s not even protagonist material — a papier-mâché hipster who got her personality from an Urban Outfitters catalog and can’t stop contradicting herself despite the fact she is working off a pre-written letter. I have never encountered someone who thought so highly of herself while having almost no substance. She calls herself a writer, but is just a pseudo-intellectual English major who posts aesthetic word salad on Instagram.
Later on I realized that if someone is mean to you unprovoked it’s jealousy. One of the catalysts for the meetup was a heartfelt anniversary post I wrote on Instagram. It’s not my usual style, but I felt gushy and really went full blown poetic and swoony, brought up love and Birth of Venus, blah blah blah. She mentioned my IG post and even admitted it was poetic and well written, but proceeded to use that as the jumping off point to invalidate the love in it. She’s jealous that her own writing is try-hard drivel; a woman in her thirties mentally stuck in 2011 tumblr cringe.
If she truly wanted him she should have pursued him honestly and not wait to mess with another person. Hell, even just owning up to her feelings and saying, “I realize I may have lost my chance with you. Is there still anything in our sixteen year history that makes you want to give us a shot instead?” à la My Best Friend’s Wedding. Treading some moral grey area, but way more acceptable than actively sabotaging a relationship.
She didn’t really want him though. She just wanted to continue their friendship in that inappropriate flirtationship space to feed her ego. After the coffee date she ended their friendship in an email. That really important sixteen year friendship became disposable to her once she wasn’t able to control it.
Sometimes trash does the public service of loudly identifying itself as trash and takes itself out.
If you’re a female best “friend” to a guy in a relationship and you need to flex on “I was here first” and “We did this before you were in the picture,” then you were never interested in seeing that friend thrive in a romantic relationship. You just get off on being his favorite unfulfilled option. If seeing him in love with someone new has you feeling that miserable you’re just being selfish. Real love doesn’t overstep in a new relationship so you can hog their spotlight. You’re not even a friend; you’re a skunk marking your territory and keeping him in the friendzone while not really wanting him to have a girlfriend.
You learn to love somebody in their love language and not just yours. Selfish love is not real love. That’s just using someone to fill a place. Maybe a distraction. Seeking anything in return isn’t real love because if you want that you actually don’t have love to give; it’s fake; it’s toxic. If there’s someone who isn’t around anymore and you miss them consider the fact that you might just miss the place they held in your life. (You have the freedom to fill that space anyway you want.)
She realized she burned through all her goodwill thus the sudden ghosting and extracting herself. I never asked my partner to pick me or issued any ultimatums. Sometimes important questions stay unanswered. Sometimes you have to move on without the apology you deserve. There is grief in never receiving closure.
My partner finally saw my concerns validated in the aftermath. I bubbled with rage remembering excuses he made for her. Day in and day out I was drinking from an overflowing cup of righteous anger. So what was his role in this? Stupid or co-conspirator?
He was oblivious.
“I can’t believe you could’ve left me for a wannabe influencer.”
I switched my phone wallpaper from his picture to a solid color. Looking at his face filled me with disgust. There’s only so much letting go you can ask someone to do. I knew I still loved him, but anytime a woman is hurt she becomes less interested.
How do you recover from unknowingly letting a toxic bitch walk all over and jeopardize your relationship?
He campaigned for the relationship again. He knows I deserved better than having to deal with their dysfunction; he did the work of picking up the pieces and starting over. Friends told me to move on, date other people. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The inexplicable pull.
I’m not pretending to be perfect. I was reeling from back to back traumas. My soft spots turned hard and cynical. It was my turn to be the toxic one. I drove to work sobbing everyday for a month. I complained constantly. My default became anxious and suspicious. I’m so out of touch with the person I was before; she’s a stupidly innocent, free-spirited stranger to me. It took time for the poison leach out.
It’s a lot of baggage.
The couples who make it aren’t always the ones that never had a reason to break up. They’re the ones that decide their commitment to each other is more important than their mistakes. Fast forward to the herculean effort he made to earn back my trust and we’re still very happily together. (This is published with his permission.)
Our relationship is more grounded in reality now. It’s not crowded anymore. Somethings more precious from having almost been lost. Somethings will never be the same. I’m the villain in her story, just as much as she’s the villain in mine. We get to live out our own endings and there is peace in that.
Hurtful, painful, memories. Memories of deep regrets, memories of hurting and being hurt. Memories of being abandoned. Only those with such memories buried in their hearts can become stronger, more passionate, and emotionally flexible. Only those can attain happiness. So don’t forget any of it. Remember it all and overcome it. If you don’t overcome it, you’ll always be a kid whose soul never grows.
-The Boy Who Fed On Nightmares
OOTD/ Women outfits
Being a cool girl today!
Wearing my new short personality hoodie and leather skirt
Do you like my look of today?
pfp crisis wya
Nu. Nuart. Sketching.
— Leslie Hung
Hey there 👋
Detachable Sleeve Sweatshirt!!Time to be a cool girl! Try our new design! Show yourself with confidence~
so can i start pushing my give caroline a sexy bob agenda or what
Is this real life?
weekend trip #weekendmood #climber #catty #cave #coolgirl #adventure #village
Your Smile it is the key that fits the lock of Everyone heart 💖
I want to be a cool girl. The one you see on screen who’s hot and can eat her weight and still look like a goddess. So i asked myself, what does it take to be a cool girl?
Out in public, I occasionally run into a woman who looks exactly the part. Her buggy was full of fresh vegetables and home decor. She herself looked amazing with hair in perfect order, face full of makeup, and and outfit thoughtfully planned out. SHE is the woman i’m trying to be
I am challenging myself to become a cool girl. I am going into this easy, because in the past when I was trying to stick to something, i would always give in and quit. This time there is no pressure. My goal is not to be who i am today or yesterday, to always be improving.
I’m starting off by doing a weekly check in, assessing my progress and making adjustments to my routine. Here is what my first few weeks are going to look like.
*Waking up at 5 am**Shower and shave**Making my bed**Time with the lord**Hair and makeup**Drinking at least four 20 oz bottles of water a day**Fasting throughout the day**Cooking dinner at least 3 times a week**Go to bed on time**
Looking at it, it doesn’t seem like much, and that’s the point. In an everyday setting something as little as making dinner can take a lot out of you. This is my plan on becoming the woman i have always wanted to be. A cool girl.
Nota mental: no admitir que se tienen sentimientos por las personas.