#cptsd Tumblr posts

  • POSITIVE,TRAUMA,CPTSD RECOVERY,ABUSE

    The best thing that can happen to someone when they have been traumatised by an abusive parent is finally understanding that what they got wasn’t what they deserved,and that they deserve better than that.They deserve to be loved genuinely,they deserve to not be shamed cus of their personality,they deserve attention, they deserve to set boundaries and not be scared of that. We deserve the world❣️

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  • I’m a very reserved person outside, because I’m always convinced that everyone hates me in some way. Like, I imagine they all have this negative perception of me, where they might think I’m weird, unfriendly, or a coward for not knowing how to talk without getting really nervous… or even unqualified in terms of art (since I’m an art student).

    So when I do have the courage to express myself or present some of my work, I’m genuinely… shocked to receive compliments. People say I’m nice, dedicated, reliable, creative and intelligent. I don’t deny the compliments, obviously, but I replay the words over and over in complete disbelief.

    It’s… really hard to come out of my shell, because I’m already expecting to be hurt. I already think I’ll never be good enough, so I just hide in the shadows.

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  • if i met past me i think they would cry bc they’d be wondering how tf we’re not dead yet. don’t ask how i know, it’s just a hunch.

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  • friendly reminder that gracie is literally so baby she doesn’t even have a protector she just has me. a plant.

    - fern

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    • School: Let's see what happens when we put a kid in a stressful situation? :DDD
    • Me, cornered in the basement of my house trying to get work done while my father screams at me: Well golly gee, I am failing 6 classes.
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    gave frozen peas a 7 rowan berry charm and some eyes + antlers on his back so he can always watch his back

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    11 / 22 / 2020

    Open in new tab for better quality

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  • Therapy yesterday was very hard. It’s been a while since she made me acknowledge how little I think of myself, which is exhausting and painful.

    My homework is to figure out something that would nourish me. Not in a multivitamin kind of way. Then figure out how that activity could be done during quarantine.

    I already know I like to run. It makes me feel good short and long term. And I got a treadmill if I can’t run outside. Or, if I’m not up for putting on a sports bra, a walk.

    So this homework should be easy. It’s not.

    Also, I have to continue being proud of myself every day since it worked so well.

    #therapy#depression#anxiety#mental health#ptsd#cptsd#complex ptsd #complex post traumatic stress disorder #post traumatic stress disorder #trauma#healing#recovery
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  • guess who found a blade in the trash can and didn’t steal it?

    progress!

    actually though i’m so proud of myself

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  • you think you’re faking depression? oh ok, then you know, stop being sad. it’s a conscious choice to fake, so just stop it. get off tumblr, stop reblogging sad shit, and be happy. let’s see how that’ll work out for you. if you think you’re faking, you can stop doing it right now. 

    you think you’re faking anxiety?oh ok, then stop being nervous. if you start feeling like you can’t breathe then just stop it. if you really didn’t have it, you could do that. but can you stop?

    oh, you think you’re faking ADHD? oh ok,you have 2 weeks of incomplete homework,so just do it. what’s stopping you? what’s blocking you? if you didn’t have it why can’t you just start writing right now? just stop. 

    you think you’re faking an eating disorder? oh ok, then go to the kitchen right now, yes, right now, and eat. DON’T count calories, don’t obsess over it, don’t puke it up, finish the whole thing. why can’t you do it? nobody’s stopping you.

    this applies to all mental illnesses. there is reason why your brain is giving you these thoughts, ‘’you’re fakingggg!!’’, it’s hard to become aware of how ill you are, your brain is trying to cope in the best way it can, by pretending you’re fine. but it’s ok to not be ok. you are not faking, even if you were subconsciously faking somehow (which almost never happens), the pain is real and valid and you deserve and need help. everytime you feel like you’re faking, keep all of this in mind. 

    you can try to save this post or write it somewhere, or screenshot it when you feel bad. 

    please, reblog and boost this, more people need to hear it. you deserve to heal and be happy and ok. if yall like this I’ll make more~ 

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  • In a Lonely Place

    (half vent art, half concept art for a college project)

    don’t repost.

    #vent art#trauma#childhood trauma#cptsd#depression#my art #hint: this is from my irl venting notebook ha #suicide mention tw #suicidal thoughts tw
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  • CW: sui**** attempt mention, eating disorder, emotional abuse

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    I found and read writing from 2013, when I was 22. I was still bulimic at that age and a lot heavier and very self-loathing. It made me a little sad to read the things I called myself. Disgusting, stupid, lazy, dirty, worthless, etc. I made it through school and work and interning by compartmentalizing that shit and basically being a different person depending on the situation. I wanted desperately to get away from my family. And I had plans for my life, and my career.


    I had no idea how much more trauma and pain was coming. I thought of my chronic pain as something I would just be able to get enough treatment for and exercise and meditate enough to make it go away. I was very depressed and I mean I still am but my eating disorder consumed me. I felt hopeless about it but I did have hope about other things. I couldn’t have ever imagined that I’d not only stay chronically ill but that it would get so, so much worse. The depths of pain and dizziness and limitation it would bring me. And the attempts and the hellish hospitalizations. I just thought I’d get out. Escape all the shit and make a life for myself. That was always the goal. Two years later I quit bulimia. But my joints and muscles kept getting worse. Three years later I tried to kill myself and was found overdosed in a motel by a cop who recognized the rental car. That was the first of several serious attempts due to pain and then one from severe panic attacks.


    But oh boo hoo right. Idk what more there is to say. This blog is so weird because it’s where I dump anger and pain in part to vent in part so if anything ever happens to me people understand what I was going through. But it’s such a poor representation of myself. I’m not just this angry depressed fearful thing. I barely ever even talk about this shit irl, except once in a while in a post online or to my best friend. Mostly I keep to myself. So this is where some things go. Idk, it has to go somewhere. Guh, I’m so fucking cringey.

    Reading about rejection sensitive dysphoria is triggering bc it reminds me of being gaslit for having valid reactions to being treated badly. Which is not rejection sensitive dysphoria, that’s just not enjoying being treated like crap and the person writing about it did mention that RSD and that are two different things. I’d say tho that I had some of it sometimes when I was younger, but for the most part my intuition and my simple awareness of people being assholes was pretty damn spot on. They’ll try to teach you not to trust your gut though and deny things until it turns out you were 100% right about them but they’ve spent this entire time putting you down so they can get away with saying you’re overreacting, solely BECAUSE they’ve been treating you like shit the whole time and have normalized it. So you standing up for yourself looks out of place bc everyone’s used to seeing you put down and has ideas in their head about you from them. And even if they’re doing it alone they’ll act shocked that you have anything to say for yourself and completely Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender the hell out of you until it’s pointless. This is what happens when you were raised accustomed to abuse and have anything about you going on that affects you enormously but isn’t obvious to people cause you hide it so well so they just think you’re weak (chronic illness, cptsd) and when you sometimes date and befriend narcissists and at the very least emotional abusers.

    God, at least there’s tea. I have a cup every day. And animals and nature.


    Coming up on six years free of bulimia. Jan 7th. Relapse has been tempting. But I ain’t going back no how no way. That was the other thing in my writing from 22, I was convinced I would never recover. I still struggle but I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

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  • my worst thinking actually got me here. because it’s the only kind available after being forced to continually go against my preferred thinking/judgment. my best thinking now is a backup of a backup, not my best thinking of all time.

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  • I can’t just sit quietly by myself wth??? My brain will start bullying me :(

    #constant distraction required #what were u thinking #mentally ill#ptsd#cptsd#beh
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  • The more time and distance I get from my family the more I see how messed up everything was and how I was just trying to survive and wasn’t really living and I could never go back no matter how they could try to gaslight me

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  • I found out my therapist’s evil plan.

    1. Have Jinjur find something to be proud of every day. This will force her to raise her opinion of herself and counter the way she was raised. (This is why I was uncomfortable with this exercise and why it brought up so much parent thoughts. It attacked everything they made me believe about myself.)

    2. Have Jinjur determine what nourishes her and makes her feel better. This is different from copings that help her get through bad times. Things like going outside, running, projects, etc.

    3. With a better self-opinion (see step 1) they will think they deserve to be nourished and that step 2 is worth how hard it is.

    4. With nourishment, it will be easier to raise self opinion an be be proud, creating a cycle.

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  • I really hope I find a new name. It will create a permanent, healthy separation between who /I/ am and what I’ve experienced.

    My name is very dimunitive, and that’s something that’s stood out starkly in the way I have been treated and belittled throughout my life. It feels like an insult at this point - as well as something painfully twisted and marred. My name was their idea for their very first child, filled with all their hopes and dreams.

    And this is what they did with that - something they thought they loved.

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    That’s okay

    #maybe I'll never be loved like i do #and that's fine. I'll be fine. i have me. #vent#vent art#trauma#ptsd#parental abuse#cocsa#csa#cocsa vent#csa vent#cptsd#mental illness
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