there’s something soft in me, maybe. i want to let it live. i want to build it sturdy garden walls strong and stone, with room to grow. i want to let myself be fierce enough that something soft can live like moss in shade.
By Francine Witte
“The street lamps, their hunched necks bowed in prayer, your car rust metal-red, dark as old blood, the porch with its raggedy wicker chair, where your grandfather sat for hours, the morning paper petaled into a flower at his feet.”
READ THE FULL POEM and more from Francine Witte.
Rongsokan Kompas
Ada banyak jalan di ambang surup kota-kota yang masih terlihat pening, satu persatunya mengeraskan gedung -gedung tinggi yang dimadu keladi dan petisi
Aku berjalan diantaranya menjarah marka yang berat ber-inang tali di sepatuku, lalu aku berdiri di selasar nomor satu
Naik mimbar paduka diindera anak buah tangga, sepertinya aku sudah sampai di lantai ke-seribu
Diatasku ada besi yang ditanam keatas langit, memang seperti itu ulah rongsokan kompas menelanjangi kakiku kemari
Bahkan aku diselatan-kan pada gerombolan lelaki berkerah tinggi yang memukul tebing-tebing sisi timur tugu
Mereka meneriaki benda mati, celakanya haus menang dari kesepian, tak ada nama mereka di redaksi tempo hari, paling kan segera ditanahkan oleh garis tepi frustasi kataku
Aku ingin tertawa dan menangis antara bodoh dan pedar, kompas ini mengasingkanku melampaui sudut di siku persimpangan jalan
Barat membisingkan risau selanjutnya, tapi kakiku terluka oleh kaca yang dihantam pemuda di celah penyeberangan jalan,
Katanya belajar mendengki, belajar yang tuan tua tak petuahkan. karena hatinya ialah tersangka tragis kecelakaan batin katanya,
Seperti ini kah isi naluri manusia? Tamak membenamkan laut di antara berat dadanya tapi menolak membuka gerbang maut
Parahnya, malah sengaja menggemakan bahwa kematian akan lebih baik daripada arteri kecil yang kehilangan dirimu,
Bahkan aku menjadi hara pada akar-akar yang membusuk di pematang bantaran. Katanya tidak punya dinding untuk membuat mural hari-hari kehilangan
Tapi sebelumnya mereka menjadi harum di ujung periuk, Hingga akhirnya digagahi oleh gundah akan "esok kita mau makan apa?"
"Untuk minta tolong saja tak sempat", katanya
Usai itu aku dipulangkan ke utara, dibawah pohon diluar rumah membicarakan cinta yang masi muda, aku harap dia tak akan diranggas api atau gergaji suatu saat nanti
Begitulah ulah liar manusia kan-nyatanya?
Tapi yang penting aku sudah dirumah ibu,
Aku sudah dirumah ayah
Nadi pada lengan kota yang sama, dari kompas rongsokan menuju tahanan di sela jantung pakis yang terlalu tinggi dan menjadi tawanan seperempat naluri
Yang kusebut di kotaku sendiri,
Oleh-oleh empati akan kupelihara menjadi rayap untuk ego yang terlalu kolot
Ayah ibu aku minta rongsokan kompas lagi
Jalan-jalan madya di kota ini akan kutandatangani diatas materi.
Akan kutujukan pada Tuhan di langitku jauh sana, untuk mengirimkan gerbong-gerbong yang kosong
Agar kereta bahagia tak akan terlewatkan lagi
Is it still weird that I still think fondly of you?
You sure were the worst roommate
But the other times, they were true
Dungeons and dragons and memes on the couch
Camping and dancing and laughing out loud
Maybe we just moved too far to fast
But you got me so well that I thought it would last
You made me feel cool and funny and brave
We shared homemade presents that I still save
Is it still weird that I still think fondly of you?
You wouldn't talk about issues
That ended us way too soon
When your dog bit mine you wouldn't apologize.
Because I asked you to load the dishes you used
You'd storm to your room, you'd fret and you'd fume.
I was always saying sorry, nothing was on you
I worked just to avoid your next big boom
I wonder if we'd still be friends if
I hadn't rented you
A room.
Clean sheets and glacier
water depart me from this
muddied wine flushed soul
- 19.10.21
i’m drifting in and out of myself against my better wishes, or the wishes of my body— we would like, all of us to be certain who is acting. who it is that sings and how their voice is coming out— but i am not myself, or i am myself too much. it circles. i become a fractured prism, fractal.
are there holy things about us? both of ourselves, and around us— written in the shape of the leaves against the sky, scrawled in how our fingers drift through fine and falling rain buried in the ashes left when some had come and gone.
Choke me like you hate me, but you love me
Lowkey wanna date me when you fuck me
Touch me with the lights off and my chains on
Baby I'm not the right one you should wait on
Corpse Husband
שׁוּלֵי הֶעָלֶה
אֲכוּלִים מְקֻמָּטִים -
חִלָּזוֹן רָעֵב
peripherality
-of a small leaf is eaten
a huge hungry snail
The universe doesn’t always go along with the plans we have for ourselves. It’s frustrating but it’s okay. Perhaps the universe has a different plan for you.
Forgiveness
If I could fix this
With couplets of poetry
Know that I would try
i am trying to let go of the bitterness. i do not keep my mother’s faith but i tell her teachings to myself while lonely, in the dark. i’d forgotten i was lonely. i almost wish to be alone again. I am trying to let go of the bitterness
If only i was a mermaid
the years i shed all day
would be pearls
and i would be rich forever.
~hemdui
I will mourn you. The
sky will sink into your grave.
I will be left dark.
- You Always Loved The Stars 18.10.21
Tell Me You Lied
Wavy clouds,
sheered that shows the moon
Memories are gone,
stars might show off soon
Watching the sky,
Wish I can fly
To see you and touch you
And tell you I love you
Wish I can fly
And go by your side
To not tell you a lie
But to stay 'til I die
Tell me you lied
Tell me it's not true
Maybe you're just tired
And you wanna try it too
Try to work this on
Commit and bring this on
I really felt different
But I know it's not wrong
*I wrote this last October 23, 2021
